The Legend Lives Once Again
by TheArchon
Summary: Probably the best parody of all! Hao wakes up in the middle of the desert. He has almost no followers left, SoF has abandoned him, he hungers for revenge and things just seem to be getting worse. We're approaching the end now! Last Chapter: Happy Ending!
1. A Very Disturbing Awakening

**Disclaimer:** Although Iwish it was true,I don't own Shaman King. -.-

When you finish reading this, review! I'd like to see some comments.

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Hao Asakura woke up to find out he was suffering from a major headache. He opened his eyes painstakingly slow, trying to adapt to the bright sunlight that was burning his face, and looked around. His observance of the area lasted for half a second, seeing as something had already blocked his view of sight.  
A snobby-looking kid with dark grey eyes and a red band on his waist burst out in delighted giggling. He grinned widely and grabbed Hao by the shoulders, bringing him up in the boy's embrace. Hao grinded his teeth when he felt his bones crackling from the tight hug.

- Hao-sama! Hao-sama! You're alive! - The kid chirped happily and pressed Hao even tighter in his arms. A sound similar to 'Ghhkkh!' came out of the Asakura's mouth.

- Oh, Hao-sama, I thought that no-good brother if yours had killed you! - The kid continued to rejoice like having Hao in his arms was the greatest thing in the world. - But you survived! You live once again! The greatest shaman on Earth, Asakura Hao-sama, still lives to complete his--

Hao got fed up with that guy's nonsense and pushed him back. The kid stumbled backwards, releasing the weakened shaman from his grip. Hao fell on his back, staring angrily at the boy.

- What the hell do you think you're doing? - Hao exclaimed. - Who the hell are you anyway?

The boy was sincerely surprised to hear a question like that. His face turned into a mug of bafflement, cocking eyebrows upwards.

- But... Hao-sama... don't you remember me? - He pointed himself with fingers pressed to his chest. - I am Ashil!

Hao wrinkled his forehead to remember this strangely familiar name. It hit him five seconds later. Ashil was that show-off brat whom he had dispatched after Yoh's friends. He was the first one to go after Yoh in America, but...

- Wait a minute! - Hao babbled out confusedly. - I thought the X-Laws killed you!

The kid in grey clothes, like some kind of English prince from the end of the XIX century, strutted smugly and explained:

- Like I said, I am your strongest companion, Hao-sama! - A moment later he snapped with fingers like he had remembered something. - Oh, yes. And that man over there gave me a quick surgery and fixed me up in a matter of minute.

Faust VIII was waving a hand goofily behind Ashil. The woman in nurse's dress, Eliza, was standing with a first aid kit in her hands.

Hao felt like someone was playing a BIG joke on him. He was alive, Ashil was alive... what was gonna happen next?  
The kid helped Hao stood up and grinned once again. The great Asakura shaman looked back and realized Faust and Eliza have disappeared with no trail like in some cheap American cartoon.

- Hao-sama, I love you so much! When I heard that Yoh had killed you my heart sank, but now when I look at you, I can live again!

Hao was beginning to seriously freak out from Ashil's behaviour. Sure, he was one of his most loyal followers who sympathized with him, but the shaman's behaviour was now reaching new, disturbing limits.  
Almost as if he was acting like a...  
Like a...  
Like a...  
Hao gulped.

- Ashil. - The pyromancer asked slowly and very, very carefully. - How do you feel?

The snobby-looking shaman blossomed in a broad, loving grin. He cooed out tenderly and ogled at Hao.

- I feel like I want to sprout wings and sour away to the highest clouds in the sky... my love!

Hao's expression was a pure example of stiff horror. He then noticed the soft sounds of a harp playing behind his back. The shaman turned around to see Tamao, dressed in her pink Kokkuri Angel suit, skillfully playing the harp, letting out romantic, yet extremely sappy sounds. Her spirits, Konchi and Ponchi, were floating calmly near her head. Tamao noticed the pissed gaze Hao had given her and immediately stopped playing the harp, then scampered away while blushing madly.  
Hao fixed his attention on Ashil again. The boy was looking at him in a dreamy way, more commonly seen in a corny romantic movie. Something was sparkling in Ashil's eyes.

- Hao-sama, I love you! - Ashil burst out and fell on his knees. Hao recoiled in panic. - I've had a crush on you since the day I met you and I can't stop thinking about you even for a moment! I think about you while I sleep, eat, walk, fight, go to the bathroom, I dream about you twenty-four hours a day! I love you!

Hao's lower lip was shaking. He seemed like he was about to burst out in tears, not believing what he had just heard. He pointed Ashil with a shaking finger and stammered out:

- Then y-y-you are a... a... you are...

- I AM GAY! - Ashil screamed out happily, arms tossed up in the air and head looking straight in the heavens. He started laughing maniacally, even surpassing Hao's own ability to freak people out with the mad-genius laughter.

Lightnings flashed, thunders rolled, and Hao collapsed on his knees as well, screaming out a desperate **'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'** with outstretched hands, pleading for salvation from the dark skies. He then started pounding the ground with his hands, wailing and crying:

- Damn you! Why! Why? Why, damn you? WHY ME?

Hao was beating the hard soil, crying in his misery for about five minutes, until he heard an unrestrained laughter coming from Ashil. He looked up at the obviously-homosexual shaman to see him doubled up on the ground, laughing his ass off.

- Wha- What the heck are **YOU** laughing at? - Hao croaked out and stood up, his rage reborn once again.

Ashil somehow stood up, still shaking with laughter. When the last of his jolly sighs came out of his mouth, he wiped off the tears in his eyes and gaggled out:

- Hao-sama, you idiot! I was playing a joke on you!

For the first time in his three lives, Hao Asakura, the greatest Ying-Yang master and the most powerful shaman in the world, went bug-eyed. His jaw dropped loosely. He shut it tight when Machi suddenly came out of nowhere, also laughing the breath out of her lungs. Ashil and Machi leaned against each other's arms, now bursting out in laughter again, right in front of a dumbfounded Hao's sight.

- So you are not gay! - Hao checked for the last time, still keeping a decent distance from the snobby kid. Ashil finally calmed down, gently holding Machi by the arms. The redhead was grinning broadly at her master.

- No, he's not! - She chirped out. - He's my boyfriend since the start of the Anime!

Hao went bug-eyed again when Machi intentionally broke down the Fourth Wall of the whole show. He goggled even more when Ashil and Machi started French kissing in front of his eyes. The pressure inside his head finally reached its peak and he screamed out, all red in fury:

- **What THE HELL Is Going On Here?**

The two disengaged themselves from the tango of tongues and looked at the infuriated Hao. Machi giggled:

- Calm down, Hao-sama! We'll explain everything when we find a place to spend the night in.  
- Yeah, there's no need to be such a spoilsport, Hao-sama. We were only having a little fun!

Machi told Hao to follow them. The love couple walked off in the vastness of the barren wastelands, followed hastily by Hao Asakura.  
He moved up to Ashil once again. The shaman had braided fingers with his jolly girlfriend and was whispering something in her ear. He got distracted when Hao poked him impatiently by the shoulder and spoke out with all the authority of a man who had almost suffered a hear attack:

- So tell me... where are we going?

Ashil smiled.

- We'll find you a nice spot to rest, Hao-sama, and then you'll see what happens next.  
- Oh, and Ashil...  
- Yeah?  
- You're not **really** gay, are you?  
- Hao-sama!  
- Never mind, just checking!

He sighed in relief and whispered to himself:

- Thank God, he's straight!

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From the Author: Don't stand from your seats, folks! This fic is not finished yet:D 

Chapter Two will arrive shortly!


	2. Bad Things Are Going Down

**Chapter Two: Bad Things Are Going Down**

Hao Asakura and his two followers, Ashil and Machi, were strolling care-freely through the barren desert. Or at least the love couple was strolling; Hao was striding with ill concealed anger. The thought that someone was making fun of him just couldn't go away, as his Sixth Sense was now hyperactive and on guard since he woke up in Ashil's embrace.

"Thank God!" Hao thought again. "Thank God that he's straight."

Hao himself was very surprised to see his fanatical underling alive. Yes, he had proven himself useful in the past, and by sending him after Yoh Hao wished to witness the X-Laws' power in action. Ashil was expendable to him. Hao left him there to die and that should've put the end of the Ashil case. But, in spite of all logic or laws of nature, Ashil was now here, alive, breathing, and once again, not stopping cackling for a moment.

- ...So, here I am, screaming at Yoh, and flunging towards him...  
- Yeah, and? - Machi kept asking.  
- ...and just when I was about to kill him...  
- Yeah?  
- That ray of light comes out of nowhere...  
- And?  
- ...And shoots me in the heart!  
- Oh my God!  
- Yes! It did! And then those X-Laws appear and try to brain-wash Yoh...  
- Forget about that moron! What happened to you?  
- I was there, bleeding and dying on the ground...  
- So what happened next?  
- ...I was getting there, dear, but, if you could stop interrupting me...  
- Sorry.  
- ...and that doctor guy, Faust, came out of nowhere, and started patching up my wounds with his Furyoku and some medical treatments... and thank God, I survived.

- Why did Yoh's teammate helped you survive? - Hao asked gloomily while trudging next to him.

Ashil shrugged.

- Faust was a loner back then. He wasn't with Yoh's group.

Faust brooded over what he had just heard and a minute later began:

- But, Faust wasn't...  
- ...with Yoh. - Machi finished for him.  
- No, wait! At that time Faust hadn't even arrived in Am-  
- I'm not so sure about that, Hao-sama. - Ashil drawled thoughtfully. He wandered off his dreamy gaze to scour the horizon. - After all, no one knew where Faust was during Episode 33.

Hao bristled up when the Fourth Wall was broken for a second time.

- Ashil, you can't just transgress the laws of the TV productions like that! - Machi scowled a little and fixed her boyfriend with a reproach in her eyes.

Ashil raised his eyebrows and grinned widely:

- What? **I** am the one violating the rules? Heck, you started it!  
- Maybe so, but you weren't supposed to pick it up! - Machi answered with a smile of her own. She cuddled closer to her boyfriend. What she didn't know was that Hao was becoming extremely pissed off of being ignored so much. They were treating him like he wasn't the guy with the biggest role in this whole Anime! Well, maybe second-biggest role, but he was still a very important character!...

He gulped when he accidentally broke the Fourth wall... for the third time.

- Is this place you speak of very far, Ashil? - Hao muttered haplessly. Ashil, on the other hand, didn't feel much sensitive today, and replied with a wide grin:  
- No, Hao-sama! It's just round the corner!

Hao looked around bewilderedly.

- What corner?

Ashil sweat-dropped and suppressed his grin.

- It was just a saying, Hao-sama. You don't have to understand it literally.

Hao's dumbfounded mug could match Horohoro's own idiotic expression whentheAinu'sbrain lacked information of the nearby events.

- Oh. - He mumbled. For the first time in his life, Hao felt really... **stupid**. And so, just to disperse the growing suspicions that he was losing his mind, the pyromancer asked something that made sense:  
- Ashil?  
- Yes, Hao-sama?  
- Where are the others from my group?

Short silence. Then, Machi uttered hesitantly:

- Hao-sama, it's a bit complicated...  
- And it may take a while to explain... - Ashil added wearily, but Hao interrupted with a wicked smile, more typical for his nature.  
- Don't worry. I'm sure I'll understand, and we have plenty of time.

More silence.

- Eh... alright then. - Machi took a deep breath and started: - Hao-sama, the rest of the team betrayed you.

Hao froze still. The love birds turned around to see the Asakura's stiff expression on his face.

- They **WHAT?** - He croaked out.  
- I'm afraid it's just like that, Hao-sama. - Machi continued guiltily. - The few of us who remained loyal to you were captured by the Ten Priests.

- Who are they? - Hao insisted.  
- Zand-Ching and Luchist are now in prison. Turbine escaped, but he is on his own now. Bill died because he couldn't handle his Furyoku, Block was also captured and Peyote is waiting for us in our hideout.

The girl closed her mouth, desperately praying that her master won't ask the question she feared and hated most.

- Ok, but... Where are the other Hanagumis?

Machi silently cursed the skies and muttered:

- They turned their backs at you, too.  
- Mari and Kanna are with Yoh-sama now. - Ashil confirmed miserably.

Hao's lower lip trembled. The Hanagumi had betrayed him? The group that worshiped him so passionately, the ones who would follow him to the very ends of the world...  
_...had betrayed him?_

- Why? - He muttered emptily. - Why have they betrayed me like this...  
- Kanna and Mari got tired of you, Hao-sama. They say you didn't justify their expectations and abandoned you.  
- Is that what they said?...  
- Actually... - Machi cleared her throat nervously. - What Kanna said was something that sounded like: _"To hell with that motherfucker! I'm going with Yoh!"_. The only thing Mari said was: _"Mari's bored."_

Hao clenched his fists furiously and hissed:

- Those bitches! I'll have the Spirit of Fire incinerate them when I see them!

Ashil cleared his throat in turn.

- I'm afraid that is not possible, Hao-sama. The Spirit of Fire is no longer here.

Hao looked around. It was true, the giant spirit had truly disappeared. He didn't see him when he woke up, and the Spirit of Fire was not here now.

- Where the hell is he? - He muttered gloomily. Ashil explained once again:  
- I believe I saw him leaving you, saying something like: _"I'm sick of that asshole"_. Then he fluttered away.

Hao was left with a devastated mug on his face. He goggled unbelievingly at the boy, then sighed deeply.

- THIS is bad. - He concluded moodily.  
- Even Opacho and the Zentryos have joined Yoh. - Ashil topped it all up with no emotion in his voice. - Mattie, Peyote and I are all who remain free and loyal to you.

Hao recalled the doll-faced African girl, Opacho, as well as those boneheads Zen and Ryo. Even Opacho had left him... Maybe he shouldn't have been so hard on her back then...

- I lost my power... my spirit... my closest followers. - Hao uttered sadly. - What am I supposed to do now?

Ashil and Machi neared him. The last Hanagumi member patted him on the back and spoke softly with a smile on her lips:

- You still have us, Hao-sama.

Hao raised his head to face the girl. Although he was going against himself, he decided to stay as much optimistic as possible. He stretched his back, shook his head and said:

- We'll just have to do with what we have. The Shaman-Only World must come to live!

Ashil helped him stand up. Shortly afterwards, the three were on their way once again.  
And from distance, unnoticed by anyone, Tamao, Faust and their spirit companions were watching the group of shamans, walking away in the desert.

- Do you think he has a chance? - Tamao mumbled.

Faust VIII shrugged and smiled spookily.

- Nope. He has no spirit, almost no allies, and is currently powerless.  
- Then why is he so optimistic about it? - Konchi asked.  
- Who knows? Maybe he sees something in the future.  
- Or maybe he has just read the script? - Ponchi suggested from Tamao's left.

Everyone fixed the raccoon spirit. Ponchi grinned goofily.

- You're breaking the Fourth Wall again... - Tamao warned him squeakily.  
- So what? It's not like we're gonna get in trouble, are we?  
- Who knows? - Faust said again and stared at the horizon. - There's no telling what the guy who writes this shit will think of?

**From the Author:** Personally, all I can say is: **LMAO!** Like I said before, I don't own Shaman King. Anyway, I'm trying to improve my sense of humor and writing abilities. So, what do you think? **:D**


	3. Shanty Sheds, Mexicans and Druggies

**Chapter Three: Shanty Sheds, Mexicans and Druggies**

Hao Asakura saw the small cabin, built of simple materials. It was probably the prime idea of a shelter, something that will keep you warm and hidden from the rain, posing the most primitive types of comfort. The...'house', to say the least, was constructed quickly out of some wood, bricks, plaster, and the roof was made of large pieces of sheet metal. Usually Hao would have the Spirit of Fire burn down such a pathetic excuse for a building, but right now he would live in if for two reasons: 1) He was desperate enough to settle in that place for a while; 2) The Spirit of Fire was nowhere around to char it.

Ashil told Hao and Machi to wait outside. The kid entered the house through a small half-opened door and a moment later he exclaimed something. Inside the house echoed the angry voices of Ashil and a man. Hao heard a break inside, the man cried out something very similar to **'Ai Karamba!'** and then everything went quiet. Ashil walked out of the house and looked at the two shamans, waiting outside.

- You can come in now, Hao-sama.  
- What were those sounds coming from inside, Ashil? - Hao asked curiously.

Ashil shrugged with a fake smile.

- Nothing, really.

Hao looked at him sternly.

- I'm not stupid, Ashil. So what _were_ those sounds?

Ashil noticed the hidden warning in Hao's voice, sparkling like the edge of a dagger. He grinned goofily.

- It's Peyote, Hao-sama. He's brought some... plants with him and... I asked him to get rid of them...  
- What's so bad about plants? - Hao smiled cheerfully and strode towards the entrance. Ashil and Machi rushed after him anxiously. - There's no harm of putting some plants around to...

His voice faded away. Ashil bit his lower lip. Machi closed her eyes.

The interior of the house wasn't something so unbearable. A simple house made of raw materials, mostly wood and plaster. The past presence of a decorator could be sensed, as there was a small wooden table with a weird design, placed in the centre of the room, probably the living room. There was an old couch placed close to the right wall, and four more small chairs. A cactus in a flowerpot was put near a tiny window.  
And on the couch, dressed in an orange poncho with cactuses, a sombrero, the usual pilot goggles, with the thick gloves with the 'Hao' sign, was sitting none other than Peyote, with his legs settled on the table. The man was holding a cigarette in his mouth, blowing out small clouds of suffocant smoke in the room. His guitar was leaned on the wall.

The man immediately stood up and bowed before his master, once the pyromancer came is his sight.

- Greetings, Hao-sama! - The man greeted him. - I am overjoyed to see you're alright!

Ashil's expression has stiffened noticeably in annoyance. He croaked out before anyone could say something:

- Peyote!  
- Eres correcto? - He muttered gloomily.  
- Didn't I tell you to get rid of that? - The boy pointed at the cigarette.

The shaman shrugged gloomily.

- It's just a little cig... - He started, but Ashil cut him off.  
- It's NOT just a cigarette! What did I tell you about smoking pot in the house?

The snobby kid was scolding the Mexican shaman just like a mommy who saw her lovely kid carrying a frog inside the house.  
Peyote glared at the younger shaman again and grumbled:

- Just who do you think you are to order me? I'll smoke whatever I want and anytime I want!  
- How can you actually bring such crap in the house and smoke it before Hao-sama himself? - Ashil flushed furiously while pointing at Hao.

Peyote turned towards his leader.

- Hao-sama, do you mind me smoking pot?  
- Er...  
- See? - Peyote shrugged. - He likes it.

Machi rolled her eyes. Ashil was still in the mood of reading the Riot Act to Peyote, but Hao interrupted curiously:

- I didn't know you do drugs, Peyote.

The Mexican grinned under his mask.

- Eres correcto! Actually, it's peyote, Hao-sama! Want some?  
- No!

Ashil groaned:

- The peyote **IS** a drug, bonehead!  
- Why can't you shut your trap while I'm talking to Hao-sama? - Peyote asked angrily.  
- Hah! Did you notice the pun? - Hao suddenly burst out laughing, trying to cheer the atmosphere a little. - _Peyote_ smokes _peyote_! Get it?

Ashil and Machi laughed briefly out of politeness. Peyote (the man,not the cactus), on the other hand, was a bit pissed.

- I don't see anything wrong with drugs! People smoke things like that every day!  
-I don't like peyote, Peyote! - Ashil complained. - It makes me dizzy just by sniffing it, and it's EXTREMELY bad for you! Do you know you'll start seeing things if you get too high with this crap?  
- Eres correcto, Ashil! - The Mexican exclaimed and pointed an edifying finger in the air. - However, peyote helps you relax after a rough day...  
- I see. - Machi muttered innocently. - So you get tired after your one-minute decoration of the house?  
- Eres corecto!  
- If you say that shit one more time... - Ashil warned him gently and took a knife, lying on the table. - I'll stab you in the ass with _this_. - He dangled the knife in front of Peyote's face.

His words were greeted by a short, abashed silence. Machi sweat-dropped.

And then Peyote replied gleefully, out of spite:

- Eres correcto!

Ashil flung out at the stubborn shaman...

* * *

...but let's turn out backs at this impending bloodshed for a moment and go somewhere else... 

Far away from that desolate spot, in a large lodging in Patch Village, Yoh Asakura woke up from his pleasant dream. He found out a second later that his dream was not quite over.

- It's about time you wake up. - Someone snorted near him.

Yoh turned left to face Kanna's slightly discontented mug. A second later she smiled at him.

- Can Mari play with Yoh like that some other time? - A soft voice came from his right.  
- Sure, Mari. - The shaman answered carelessly, a smile popping up on his face. The two girls cuddled closer to him with pleased looks on their faces.

Kanna wandered a finger on Yoh's bare chest.

- If only I knew... - She drawled. Her tempting forms were bulging under the covers. - Hao would never let us even get close to him, but you accepted us... just like that?

Yoh snickered.

- I knew from the whole beginning there was nothing wrong with you girls. I just... didn't understand why Machi didn't come along?

Kanna shrugged.

- She likes Hao. And besides, her boyfriend is with her.  
- Her... boyfriend? - Yoh got intrigued.

Mari nodded.

- Machi's boyfriend. His name is Ashil.

A third person stirred under the covers. Horohoro stood up behind Mari and fixed her with a baffled look.

- That guy? I though the X-Laws killed that dude!

Mari nodded again.

- They did, but Faust came and fixed him up.

Everyone's eyes locked at the same time on Faust. He was in the other corner of the room, completely stoned from his usual dose of morphine. From his two sides were sitting on small chairs the Zentryos, who have also discovered the addictive joy of the drugs. Ryo and Zen were taking toke after toke, coughing their breath out afterwards. Someone was playing **'Cypress Hill - Insane in the Brain'**

- Insane in the membrane! - Faust cackled out.  
- Insane in the brain! - Ryo and Zen screamed out in duo and fell over at the same time.

The sane people in the room sweat-dropped. Faust burst out laughing like a schoolgirl. The other two shaman druggies giggled shortly afterwards, both on the ground.

Mari, Kanna, Horohoro and Yoh sighed deeply. There were obviously going to be some **BIG** changes in the whole team...

* * *

**Disclaimer and Notes from the Author:** I don't own **Shaman King**, nor do I own **Cypress Hill - Insane in the Brain. **It's a cool song, so I suggest you hear the melody orthe whole songfrom somewhere. **:P** I liked it. 


	4. When The Sky Collapses On Your Head

Chapter Four: When The Sky Collapses On Your Head

...Back at Hao's hideout...

- When I tell you to shut up... You. Will. Shut. Up!...  
- Ashil, honey, stop it!  
_- Get him off me!  
_- Machi, please, help me!  
- Yes, Hao-sama!  
- Let me go!  
_- Get him off me!  
_- Ashil, honey, drop the knife!  
- No.  
- Drop it!  
- No!  
**- DROP IT!  
****- NO!  
**_- Get him off me!  
__**SLAP!  
**_- Ouch! What was that for?  
- Give Me The Knife!  
_- Get him off me!  
_- Ashil, give me the knife!  
- But, Hao-sama...  
- That's an order!  
- Okay, okay...  
_- Get him off me!  
_- Will you stop whining already!

Hao grabbed the knife in his hand and put it in one of his pockets. He grinned broadly:

- There! Thank Heavens no one got hurt!

Fortunately, for Peyote mostly, yes. If you exclude the bruises on the Mexican's body and cracked left goggle glass, as well as Ashil's cut lip, everyone was unharmed. And, for Hao's relief, Peyote had preserved his ass.

Machi was holding her boyfriend tightly by the hand. She glared at him when he tried to get loose from her grip and hissed:

- You shouldn't have jumped on him like that!

He glared back at her.

- He is annoying! His every second word is 'Eres correcto!'

The shamanwith asombrero on his headanswered:

- Eres correcto, Ashil-kun! When you smoke peyote every day like me, you will get used to saying 'Eres correcto'.  
- You said it again!  
- As always: eres correcto!  
- Stupid Mexican addict! - Ashil snarled.

- Not quite, Ashil-kun. I am not Mexican! - The man in the poncho raised a finger. - My mother was Mexican, but my father was Spanish and my second cousin was Chilean.

Ashil cocked eyebrows and made a sarcastic smile.

- Oh, I see. Please, excuse me. You are a Stupid Mexican-Spanish-Chilean drug addict!  
- That is more _'eres correcto'_, Ashil-kun. - The Mexican-Spanish-Chilean agreed humbly.  
- Okay, just two more things; first: what you just said was grammatically incorrect by all means; second: since when do you call me 'Ashil-kun'?  
- Since the beginning of this chapter, of course! If you don't like it, I will just call you 'Ashil' from now on.  
- That's better...

Hao cleared his throat to draw some attention on him. Everyone turned his head in his direction.

- Now... if we have finished discussing this matter, I'd like everyone to calm down a little.

They sat around the asymmetrical table. Hao sat in the couch, seeing as the leader deserved the most comfortable seat in the house. The rest of his group positioned themselves on the tiny chairs. The look of the tall adult shaman Peyote, dressed in his voluminous clothes, setting his butt on the small wooden chair, was a hilarious one. For the first time ever, Hao felt laughter coming up his throat but somehow restrained it.

- So, Hao-sama, what's the plan? - Ashil asked once everyone had sat around the table.

Hao blinked.

- What plan, Ashil?

Machi gazed at him anxiously.

- But... Hao-sama... your plans to become Shaman King... to save the world... Aren't you going to join the Shaman Fight again? There's still a lot to do...

The Asakura shook his head sadly.

- There is no plan, Machi. I'm currently powerless; I have almost no one to watch my back, my Furyoku has been greatly reduced, and I've lost my guardian ghost.

Ashil suddenly stood up, with palmshitting the table.

- Hao-sama, we will always be with you! We won't leave you!

Machi and Peyote nodded in support of their comrade. Hao, on the other hand, was discouraged.

- Be that as it may, I lack the most essentialobjecta shaman needs: a guardian ghost.

The Mexican/Spanish/Chilean shaman snapped with fingers as if he came up with an idea. For everyone's surprise, Peyote really **had** come up with something. He suggested:

- Hao-sama, I think I have an idea...

He stood up and walked to the cactus near the window. He picked up the flowerpot and placed it on the table almost reverently. No one could see his expression under his mask, but he hadobviously blossomed in a broad grin.

Hao gaped at the cactus, then looked back at Peyote.

- You've **got** to be kidding me! - The pyromancer exclaimed in surprise.

The rest of the group weren't pleased as well.

- Peyote, I think you're high again. - Ashil said gloomily.

- Come on! Have you completely lost your mind? - Machi yelled furiously and pointed the cactus. - Are you actually proposingaCACTUS for Hao-sama's spirit ally?

The proxy master looked at her with wounded dignity:

- A cactus? This is NOT just a _'cactus'_! - Everyone felt how he put the noun 'cactus' in quotation marks. - This is my special peyote cactus! I've been raising it for over two years and one day... - He diverted his eyes dreamily, looking at the sunrays shining through the window. The expression on his face was the one, blazing in the heartsof those strong people who carriedtheeverlasting light and hope of the blindingfuture, the ones who get up every day, looking with determined hope at the firstsunrays outside the window, even if the whole world had conspired against them. The peyote cactus in the flowerpot was HIS blinding future.  
He suddenly stood up and stomped with one foot on the chair, pointing an arm in the air. - ...One day... **_I will use this cactus to make an unlimited supply of peyote weeds!_**

Hao, Ashil and Machi fell over.

* * *

In the meantime, back at Yoh's place...

Yoh had already gotten up and got dressed. He was now outside the lodging, watching how Chocolove and another girl were sitting on a tree. It was Nyorai, the little chanter girl who once tried to mesmerize her opponents with her songs before the fight even began between them. The girl was really pretty in her own way and had attracted Chocolove's attention. The comedian and thepriestess were sitting in the top branches of a tree, eating apples and looking at the setting sun. Five minutes later the couple noticed Yoh walking towards their tree.  
Chocolove waved a hand from the top branches of the tree with a goofy smile on his face.

- Hey, guys! - Yoh greeted him with a smile on his own. - What's up?

Chocolove snickered:

- Nyorai and me are getting along just fine, Yoh! Thanks again for letting her stay in the group!

The girl with caramel hair cuddled closer to her friend with a delighted smile on her face.  
Ren came up behind Yoh, glaring at the love couple on the crown of the apple tree. There was a mixture of disgust and bafflement in his look. Maybe it was because Chocolove and Nyorai were now laughing at something no one understood.

- What are you idiots laughing at again? - He asked indifferently.

He was answered with a louder laughter from the tree's top. Chocolove cackled out:

- Live is good, Ren! I'm enjoying it! You should enjoy it too before the sky falls on your head.

The two cackled out in laughter like schoolgirls. Ren scowled.

- Are you twohigh or something? - He muttered, now with some vex in his tone.

Chocolove gave himself a few seconds to think over Ren's question. Then, he answered gleefully:

- As a matter of fact, YES! - He grinned broadly, which was speaking of an approaching joke. The nearby audience should've escaped while they still could. - I'm high! Really high! - He waved a hand from the tree, looking straight downwards at Ren. - We are **HIGH** in the tree! Get it? We are in the tree, **HIGH** up in the branches! Get it?

The Afro-American burst out laughing at his own joke, quickly followed by Nyorai, rocking the whole tree.

Yoh kept staring, slightly confused. Ren shook his head, feeling pity for the miserable comedian.

- I think Faust's habits are becoming contagious...

Ren didn't have the chance to finish his sentence because Chocolove fell out of the tree, dragging Nyorai with him. The little priestess grabbed on a branch and hang there with her boyfriend for a few seconds, butthen, through some unknown force, denying all laws of physics and gravity, the tree crumbled under their weight and exactly onto the shocked Tao.

In that moment, Ren truly felt like the sky had collapsed on his head.


	5. The Almighty Cactus

**Chapter Five: The Almighty Cactus**

- So what can this cactus you have here can do?

Hao scrutinized the thistly plant on the table. Peyote strutted proudly and declaimed:

- With this cactus, Hao-sama, you will be able to do countless things you were unable to do when you had the Spirit of Fire...  
- I doubt that... - The pyromancer murmured.

Ashil smirked.

- Like what? Toke your enemies to death?  
- If you can master the Giant Oversoul, you will be able to perform its Ultimate Attack! - The Spanish pointed a finger in the air, announcing smugly.  
- And that would be?... - Machi drawled with a raised eyebrow.

Peyote hesitated only for a moment.

- That is... **The Infamous Cactus Dance of Doom!**

Two things happened almost instantly; the other people in the room went bug-eyed, then toppled over their chairs. Peyote scowled at them:

- What's wrong? Don't you believe me?

- Well, NO! - Machi exclaimed when she got on her feet. - You just made that up, didn't you?

- Maybe yes, maybe no... - The Chilean mumbled cryptically. His expression became like the one of an expert gambler. He asked evilly : - Have you ever been jabbed by a cactus' spikes?

Ashil and Machi mulled over the question for a few seconds, then answered at the same time:

- No.  
- Well... Good for you! - Peyote exclaimed and burst out laughing maniacally: - It hurts like hell!

He cackled out like an idiot for a few more seconds, then collapsed backwards on the floor, still giggling like the liquorish, drugged retard he was becoming.  
Hao looked at the shaman with fishy national origin and shook his head sadly.

Ashil asked again:

- So, Hao-sama, what should we do?

The Asakura gaped unbelievingly at the cactus, and then came to a decision he was going to regret for a long, long time.

- Alright! Let's go kick Yoh's ass!

His answer was greeted with loud hoots from everyone. Then, Machi was curious enough to ask:

- But how?

The jolly hoots suddenly quelled down. Everyone sat back on the table and brooded gloomily. Peyote raised a suggesting hand from the floor and uttered:

- We can use the Infamous Cactus Dance of Doom?

Hao glared in direction of the hand.

- Forget it! I'm not taking a cactus as my guardian ghost!  
- But, Hao-sama, you desperately need a spirit! - Ashil entreated his master. - How are we supposed to dispose of your brother when you even don't have a spirit to lead us with?

The shaman gritted his teeth, and for a few seconds he seemed like he was going to explode. The furious red flush from his face slowly disappeared and was replaced by a pensive frown. He then slammed his fist on the table and yelped out:

- Alright, already! I'll take the damn cactus!

Ashil beamed up happily. He gently took the flowerpot in hands and said cheerfully:

- Great! Let me just take care of the spirit...

The stepped back, stretched back the hand, holding the pot, and smashed it in the floor with a violent crash. Peyote leaped up and gaped at the fallen cactus, screamed out '**Ai Karamba!'**, then fixed the grinning Ashil with an infuriated eye.

- You bastard! - The so-called Mexican roared out against him. The kid recoiled. - Do you have any idea how long I've been raising this plant! He's been my only friend!  
- Cactuses make friends for as long as the pot lasts. - The other shaman answered impartially.

He picked up the squashed remains of the cactus and gaped at them sorrowfully, as if Ashil had just killed the man's favorite pet.

Hao chuckled:  
- I was just going to perform a spell to extract the cactus' spirit, but... I think your way was also most effective.

Ashil rubbed the nape of his head and blushed. Machi stood up and glanced at the small, green and transparent form of the peyote cactus. Hao reached out, grabbed the small spirit and raised it in front of his eyes. He muttered to himself:

- What am I thinking... - The pyromancer pocket the ghostly cactus underneath his poncho and finally, raised his head at the three other shamans in the room and sighed:  
- Alright... we'll take care of my brother tomorrow. But first, let's get some sleep. It's been a long day.

* * *

Yoh looked around when he heard squeaky, desperate shrieks. 

- Manta? - He called anxiously.

Yoh rushed through a desolate alley in the west side of Patch Village, still searching for his lost friend. He checked in cafes, restaurants, under barrels and garbage cans, even in crates and backpacks, but he just wasn't there.  
Everything, but absolutely everything, had its positive and negative features. Manta's incredibly short stature was very helpful when it came for the little shaman to hide somewhere. All he needed to do is get under the bed, zip himself inside a sack or even bury himself in a molehill. However, the bad side of his physical shortcoming, which was frighteningly close to pituitary dwarfism, was that Manta was very difficult to locate in those cases _when the kid wished to be found by somebody_.  
Yoh took a sharp turn at the corner of the street and froze still at the sight in front of him.  
Marion Phauna was sitting, rolled in a whimpering, frightened ball on the ground. The blonde was shaking fiercely, as if something had seriously scared her. In her hands was laying the tiny form of a shocked, bug-eyed, eyebrow-flitching Manta, whose face had turned grayish-green.

- Yoh-kun! - The little boy wailed for help. He was afraid to move a muscle. - Please, tell her I'm _not_ her doll!

Yoh approached the crying blonde very carefully, not to awake the instinct of a wounded, scared beast inside of her. The little girl raised her head slowly and fixed his face. For his relief, she recognized him. There was nothing more soothing for her than seeing Yoh's calm, yet affable and concerned face.

- What's wrong, Mari? - The Asakura asked worriedly. The girl whined out with tear-stained eyes:  
- Chuck tries to run away from Mari! - With those words her hold around Manta's body tightened. The little kid croaked out painfully. His face turned blue because he lacked oxygen.  
- Yoh-kun! - He groaned again.

Yoh stepped closer to Mari, thinking feverishly how to free Manta before he chocked to death. He spoke to the retarded blond slowly, and very, very carefully:

- Mari. - He began. - This is NOT Chuck.

The girl gazed at Yoh and whimpered out:

- What do you mean, Yoh-sama? Mari knows Chuck! This has to be Chuck!  
- But, Mari, this can't be Chuck. - He said evasively, as if talking to a five-year-old child. - You left Chuck back at the lodgings!

Mari gaped at him unbelievingly. She then lowered her eyes at the motionless, frightened Manta.

- Then... who is this? - She drawled hesitantly. The girl was obviously afraid to hear the answer.

Yoh sighed and said firmly:

- That is Manta, Mari. You confused him with Chuck because they look almost the same.

The girl looked at him, this time with incredible suspicion. Yoh added gently:

- Mari, I'm not lying to you. This is _not_ Chuck.

She glanced back at Manta, then again at Yoh, and finally locked her eyes on Manta. She carefully released him and placed him on the ground. The little kid scampered away from the girl, trying to stick as close as possible to Yoh.  
Yoh grinned cheerfully.

- So, are we going back? It's gonna get dark really soon.

Mari nodded and stood up. She gently held him by the arm and walked away, arm by arm with him. The trio walked away in the distance, leaving the street completely desolated.  
One minute later a scream came from the corner of the street, followed by Manta's frightened voice:

- Yoh-kun! It's Anna!  
- **WHY** are **YOU** holding **HANDS** with that **RETARD**? - Anna's infuriated tone echoed through the entire village.  
- Make a run for it!

There was a lonely cat, sitting on a box in the street Mari, Yoh and Manta have been only a minute ago. It witnessed the really quick flight of a boy with orange headphones, a blond girl in a sundress and a really, really short kid, hanging on the girl's hand like a flag. Seconds later a girl with shoulder-length hair and a red bandana rushed through the street with burning red eyes.

- Anna's gone berserk! - Yoh screamed again. - **RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

* * *

**

Hao and his three minions were far away in the desert, so he couldn't hear Yoh's desperate shrieks for help.  
Another reason he couldn't hear a thing was because of Peyote's intense snoring.  
Hao tried to sleep, but he quickly found out it was impossible. He preferred to sleep on the sofa because he liked to sleep close to the moonlight, now radiating through the small window of the house. However, his intentions were badly interrupted when the first roaring sounds came out of Peyote's nose. The Mexican-Spanish-Chilean shaman was snoring like a lumber mill in the middle of the workday. Hao could feel how the floor quivered under the man's monstrous sounds, emerging from his nose.

Hao pouted. He gaped closely at the man, sleeping on the floor in the semi-darkness. He was holding something in his hands. Was that a?...

No. It wasn't. Hao's eyes widened when he recognized what the Mexican was holding. It wasn't a teddy-bear.

It was more like a teddy-_cactus_. He had gripped around a stuffed toy with a happy grin on its face and a yellow sombrero on its head. The sight of a sleeping Peyote, holding a cactus toy in his hands gave him an incredible shock, completely ruining his desire to sleep.

Hao glowered at the ceiling, waiting for this horrific night to pass away. Five minutes passed in the silence, interrupted periodically by Peyote's snoring sounds, when Hao heard something from the other room. It was a groan, followed closely by a moan.

- Hold on, baby! Just a little more... - Ashil's panting voice came from the bedroom. Hao's face turned expressionless.  
- Ashil, honey, go a little faster... - Machi's moan erupted from that room. The pyromancer slapped his face with a palm, dragging it downwards in an annoyed gesture.  
- This is as fast as I can go! - The boy complained.  
- You can do better! - Machi snapped.  
- Oh, yeah, sure! It's easy for you to say! The only thing you have to do is lie there and wait for me to do all the work!  
- Are you implying you have better rights than me?  
- Well, I should have better rights! You don't have any idea how exhausting this is!  
- Less talk, more work! You lost our bet, now put your back into it! I want to see you sweating!  
- Oh, my God... - Ashil's devastated voice came like a wraith's moan.

Hao grabbed the pillow from behind his head and shoved his head into it, praying that it would block all the sounds coming to hid hearing.

Unfortunately, it didn't.

* * *

**From the Author:** xD I hope this chapter made you laugh as much as I did! I assure you this is by all means NOT a lemon, it's just an overheard conversation! You'll have to look in a different ratings for hot, passionate actions, you perverts :P So, what do you think? 


	6. Beaten Up In A Suitcase

**Chapter Six: Beaten Up In A Suitcase**

Hao opened his eyes abruptly. His eyeballs were bloody red, his mouth was shut tight and teeth gritted tightly. There was a nervous spasm, randomly popping up on his left cheek.  
The first rays of sunlight were illuminating the obscure room, separating the different objects in the small space from the large smeared blur of shadows that filled the room an hour ago. When the light finally reached Hao's stiffened face, he nearly screamed out in pain and recoiled back to the darkness. The dim light that shone across his face seemed to him like the noon sun's blinding rays, burning through the skin and scorching his brain.  
The one thing he lacked most now was sleep. He would remember that cursed night for the rest of his life. All of that snorting, and the never-ending moaning and gasping, coming from the other room...

Hao's eyes widened fearfully at the sun, slowly spreading through the wooden floor.

- No! - He mumbled out in horror, waving hands at the light to go away. The sunrays were not affected by his whimpering at continued to spill gradually through the floor.  
- NO! - Hao nearly shrieked out and backed away rapidly.

Five inches...

Why? **WHY?** Why was this happening to him! All he ever wished for was some sleep! He never did anything wrong... well, except for killing thousands of people, stealing the Spirit of Fire from Patch Village, harassing Yoh and his group, flirting with Anna (his biggest mistake ever made in his three lifetimes) and trying to capture the Great Spirits... but those were petty things! He never deserved something as cruel as not getting his slumber! How the hell was he supposed to rule the world when he can't even get some sleep?  
It always happened to him like that! First some dumbass idiot from his 'favorite' Asakura family kills him, then he has to tolerate some drugged Mexicans and perverted couples...

Hao had doubled up in a pile of horror in the shadowy corner. The sunlight was four inches away from his feet.

- Leave me alone! - He cried out. - I need to get some sleep!

Three inches...

His eyes were growing wider and wider as the light approached him mercilessly.  
- NOOOOooooo! - He stretched hands in the air, begging for salvation from the empty skies. - _WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?_

Two inches...

Hao's eyes wandered around the room feverishly, looking for a nice, quiet, **_dark_** spot to hide in. He found one...  
One inch... The light engulfed the floor completely, and the pyromancer was leaping like a gazelle across the room, trying to evade contact with the evil sunlight.

Something banged and rattled on the floor. Something broke with a loud crash.

Peyote's eyes shot opened and he sat on the floor, still holding his favorite _teddy-cactus_ in his embrace. He pushed back the sombrero from his eyes, revealing the empty room. The first sunrays were illuminating the table and the right wall.  
He pocketed the smiling cactus under his orange poncho and looked around. Hao was nowhere to be seen. The man suddenly gaped at the black suitcase, lying on the floor. It was bulged by something from the inside. A man would notice by a closer look that the bag was slightly trembling.  
Peyote stood up and grabbed his guitar. He slowly approached the suitcase, which was now shaking fiercely, and carefully neared his ears to the bag; Something was whimpering and groaning silently from inside.

The Mexican/Spanish/Chilean recoiled rapidly and shrieked like a little girl:  
- There is a mouse in that suitcase! IT'S A BIG ONE!

Before anyone could blink, he swung his guitar and started pounding the black bag with his guitar, fiercely drubbing the wretched creature inside the case. He was answered by loud screams and roars of pain, followed by a hail of infuriated curses and foul language. Peyote got surprised that the damn rodent was still alive, and NOT only that: it was insulting him! He tossed aside his guitar and began pummeling the suitcase with his own fists, with the only desire to crush whatever was inside of it.

- Peyote, you IDIOT! - Someone screamed from inside. The shaman finally recognized the voice. - STOP IT, GOD DAMN IT!

The Spanish slowly unzipped the bag, revealing a bruised Hao with a bleeding lower lip. The man's face turned grey and he immediately fell on his knees and palms, bowing down in regret.

- Hao-sama! Forgive me! I thought there was a mouse in the bag!

The exasperated Asakura rose up from the suitcase, glaring at the frightened Peyote. The Spirit of Fire wouldn't be necessary to successfully incinerate the shaman with a single glower.

- Idiot! Who the hell do you think can be yelling at you like that? - Hao exclaimed.

The riot attracted the attention of the other two denizens of the building. Ashil and Machi walked out of their room. They were both in pajamas and seemed very tired. Machi, on the other hand, was grinning cheerfully and seemed **_very_** **_pleased_** at something.

- What's with all the racket, Hao-sama? - The boy muttered drowsily.

Hao stood up and stepped outside the brown suitcase he somehow got inside and stressed with a tone, showing his wounded dignity:

- That idiot, Peyote, nearly beat me to death!  
- WHAT? - The other two screamed suddenly. The proxy master leaped on his feet waved hands and stuttered out:  
- Hao-sama, it was an accident! I didn't mean to...  
- ...send me and my plans of world domination to the hospital? Of course not, you are too loyal and stupid to hurt me intentionally.

Peyote was so shocked of his actions he didn't even got hurt when Hao mocked him. Ashil stepped forward and mumbled out:

- Hao-sama, what were you doing in that bag anyway?

The Asakura froze still. His eyes zapped across the room, looking for a suitable, reasonable explanation to why had he zipped himself inside a suitcase.

- I... eh... - He lowered his hands and instinctively began fiddling with his fingers. - I...was...looking for some new boxers! Yeah, that's right! - He cheered up and spoke loudly: - I was looking for some clean underwear in the bag!  
- But, Hao-sama, you don't wear any boxers. - Machi noted out surprisingly.

Her words were followed by a short, disturbing silence. She pulled back a little when everyone's disapproving, and very stunned gaze fixed her.

- What? - She exclaimed desperately. - **_Everybody_** knows Hao-sama doesn't wear any underwear!

More silence. Machi finally chose to remain quiet.

- So, Hao-sama... - Ashil drawled again, while rolling his eyes. - What **_were_** you doing anyway?

Hao gave up. He wasn't in the mood for games.

- I was trying to get some sleep. - He explained gloomily. - Last night I couldn't close my eyes for three seconds because of **_someone's_** stuffed nose and **_someone's_** inability to keep their legs closed!

The people in the room were intelligent enough to understand which ones Hao was referring to. Peyote gawked carelessly through the window. Ashil tried to remain expressionless, with the exception of the twitching eyebrow. Machi slowly began to blush. Hao was glancing back from Peyote to Ashil and Machi. He then noticed something on the girl's face:

- You have a spot near your lips... - He started and pointed at the stain.

Ashil nearly jumped out of his skin. Peyote gaped at then, then he burst out laughing, collapsing on the ground and laughing his ass off. Machi slowly raised her hand and wiped out the small spot of whitish liquid off her lips. She quickly looked at it, then grinned:

- It's just milk! - Then, before Hao and Ashil's astounded eyes, she licked it off her finger.

Peyote somehow managed to calm his breathing and cackle out:

- _Eres_ _correcto_! Last night I heard you how you milked the cow!

The pyromancer suddenly burst out laughing at this joke. Machi blushed even harder and pouted at the two. Ashil glowered at the laughing Peyote.

- Careful, Peyote, we don't want the cactus to get hurt, do we?

The older shaman's mirth stopped instantly. He pointed out a finger at Ashil warningly:

- Keep Sancho out of this, you murderer! You already killed one of my friends!

Machi rolled her eyes. Hao finally calmed down and took a seat on the comfortable armchair.

- So you'll grow a new one! What's the big deal?  
- That cactus was my childhood friend!  
- You lost your puny mind back at the kindergarten, you idiot! It's all the peyote's fault!

Peyote rose up and stuck out his chest proudly:

- The weed of the peyote has always been my guide! It led me down the path to Hao-sama's magnificence and power!

The Asakura cocked an eyebrow.

- The weed of the peyote has turned you into the idiot you were meant to be!

Machi slapped her face in annoyance. She groaned lowly:

- Will you two STOP IT ALREADY! How are we supposed to defeat Yoh when we don't agree on anything?

Peyote shrugged.

- How should I know? The guy who writes this bullshit seems to be a bigger idiot than me, and I don't think he'll fill us in about the script!  
- Honestly, his productions are getting lamer and lamer! - Ashil exclaimed. - He is losing his sense of humor! A serious guy would put us in the heat of the battlefield or in some other hot action, NOT letting us fight for mere trifles!  
- I know some hot action for you, honey... - Machi purred and cuddled closer to her boyfriend. He blushed wildly and hissed:  
- Machi, not in front of everybody! Besides, there are kids reading this story!

Hao slapped his palms. Everyone looked at his face. He had that wicked, evil expression of the villain, just about ready to lay out his plans of conquest.

- Now, now, gentlemen, let's not get distracted. - His eyes roamed on the trio. He had attracted their full attention. - Take your seats and we'll discuss our plans about the near future. - He smiled affably. - I think I have a few ideas what to do with my sweet little brother...

_The picture started fading out, and Hao's insane laughter rocked the world._

- Ahahahahahaa!...**aHAHAHAHAHAHAAaaaa**!  
- Will you shut the fuck up already? - Faust's voice came from the backstage.  
- Yeah, we want to see what happens next! - Chocolove complained loudly.  
- Alright, already! - Hao exclaimed angrily. - But you'll have to wait for the next chapter!

Faust and Chocolove went 'aaaawwwww' in disappointment.

* * *

**From the Author:** Well, I know how to distract people with lame things. I only have to concentrate more and write the next chapter where more important things will take place. I hope this chappie made you laugh at least a little.  


	7. Cruel Punishment

**Chapter Seven: Cruel Punishment**

A shriek of pure pain and terror echoed through Patch Village, spreading from the center of the shaman community and reaching the very suburbs of the bustling village.  
Small naked feet were tapping on the dust as they ran towards the source of the howl.

- Yoh-sama is in trouble! - The little African girl with her Afro hairdo squeaked worriedly. She loped down the path faster, passing by many other shamans, busy with their everyday tasks. She jogged pass a small tavern and was too frightened and concentrated on finding Yoh that she couldn't hear the woman, talking inside the tavern.

She was sitting on the chair, with six other people around a large wooden table. There were three empty bottles of beer on it and a smoking cigarette, lying in an ash-tray. The woman in blond frizzled hair with fingerless silver gloves, sitting opposite the blue-haired woman, had that specific facial expression of people who couldn't believe their ears.

She blinked and glanced back at the other girls, sitting around her, as if begging for moral support.

- You've got to be joking! - She exclaimed surprisedly. - You can't possibly expect us to do that!

The older woman took a sip from her bottle of beer, completely unfamiliar to the unwritten norms of female elegancy. She leered at the blond.

- You want to impress Yoh-sama somehow, don't you? - She inquired huskily.

Sharona, the leader of the Lilly Five, shrugged hesitantly.

- Well, yeah, we...  
- You're not much of shamans, so there's got to be other things you girls can do. - Kanna added with the same gloomy, conspiratorial tone of a criminal.  
- We can, but...  
- However, so far you've only proven that you're a total waste of time.

Sharona withered.

- We are trying! Really! The Shaman Fight is only getting harder and harder!  
- Don't come up with that old trick! You got disqualified from the fights weeks ago, don't you think I've already figured that out?

She rested the bottle on the table and leaned more comfortably on the chair, if that was possible for Kanna. She knew how to ensconce herself.

- The only thing you've been doing so far is slacking around the shops and doing nothing. - The woman continued. Her smirk widened. - I'm sure some of you would like to join Yoh's group, am I right?

The Lilly Five team glanced between each other and chose to remain silent.

- I take that as a 'yes'. - Kanna muttered. - So, are you girls into this?

Sharona bit her lower lip. She wished really bad to join Yoh's group, seeing as his friends were really strong and had good chances of making their way to the Shaman King's throne, but the problem was some of them wouldn't welcome the Lilly Five. There were two reasons for this: the first one was that her Lillies more cheer-leaders than fighters, and the second: they forfeited their first match against Hao weeks ago, thus going out of the Fights.  
Sharona gulped. Their chances of getting into Yoh's inner circle have already become extremely small. And so, this was an opportunity she couldn't miss.

The blond woman nodded. Kanna grinned broadly:

- Excellent! - Suddenly she stood up from her chair and examined the fivesome with a skeptical eye. - I can say there's a lot to work on. Meet me tomorrow at my place in six in the morning.

The girls around her groaned deeply. Getting up early wasn't part of the deal!

* * *

- Yoh-sama! Hold on! Opacho is coming!

The little African girl had somehow attracted the attention of some people to help her, although her short stature was of a great setback for her. Ryu and Horo Horo were running after the small child, who was rather leaping than running in front of them.  
Horo's blood froze in horror as he heard a terrifying scream of pure agony, coming from somewhere close. The crowd they were trudging through suddenly stopped and looked around to see where the shriek came from.

- That's Yoh alright! - He muttered worriedly. - What could've happened to him?

Ryu didn't waste time in chatting and snagged the younger shaman by the arm. He rushed faster in direction of the yell, picking up Opacho on the way with one swift stretching of his hand, placing him on his shoulder.

- There's no time to waste! - He yelled determinedly. - Dana! I'm coming for you!

As always, Horo and Opacho were stunned by witnessing Ryu's almost fanatical devotion to Yoh in action. He was pushing people aside, clearing a wide path for him to move through, and nearly jumping over some shamans of shorter height, doing everything to get to Yoh as fast as he could. He Oversouled his wooden weapon and even broke through a wall, running through the house and the frightened and shocked people inside it.  
_(An hour later Silva walked this street and saw the hole in the wall with the rough forms of Ryu. He examined the gap in the brick wall curiously, then strolled away, murmuring something very similar to 'Gotta increase the charges in the diner for this guy')_  
Ryu broke out of the building, smashing into a cart filled with barrels of water, fruits and fish, destroying everything almost instantly, and reappearing with an infuriated Horo Horo, hanging on his arm like an absurd blue-haired flag of stupidity, smeary with apple mush and reeking of trout. When Horo went to bed that day, he swore he would never eat another apple or trout again in his life.

- **Ryu, you bastard!** - He screamed against the air, whipping his face. Ryu was gathering speed, close to the one of his motorcycle. - **SLOW DOWN A LITTLE!**

The man didn't hear a damn thing from Horo's yell. Opacho was screaming in content at the high-speed travel. Ryu finally stopped when he reached the very center of Patch Village. In the center of the village square was standing a big tree. It was a huge oak tree with many branches along its length.

From one of those branches was hanging none other than Yoh Asakura, tied with a thick rope and hanging upside-down.

- Dana! - Ryu screamed in horror at the sight of his master, all tied up and hanging helpless.  
- Yoh-sama! - Opacho goggled as well. - What happened to you?

Yoh burst out in tears:

- Leave me here! Save yourselves before it's too late!

Manta's voice cried out from another branch:

- Why the hell did she tie me too! YOU were the ones holding hands, NOT me and her!

A third voice came above the short kid:

- Get Mari down from here! She is innocent!

Unlike the other boys, the blond was dangling with her legs towards the ground. And although she evaded the uncomfortable feeling of filling up her head with her own blood, the other embarrassing detail remained that she was wearing _a dress_. The girl had already been a victim of many gapes, coming from curious males from ground level. When Mari glowered fiercely at one curious boy, looking straight up at her, she gave an oath she would hunt down and kill excruciatingly slow every man who dared glimpse under her dress.  
Horo and Ryu were also added to her list of vengeance when they noticed the girl's awkward position. They both went bug-eyed and their jaws hit the ground.

- Good Gracious! - The man with dorky hairdo exclaimed and recoiled. - Who was the sick bastard who did this to you?

A fourth voice whined out for help:

- Don't forget meeeeeeeeeee!

It was Chocolove, tied by the hands with a huge cable. The joker who set him up like that wasn't satisfied by just tying him up, but he also gave him the wedgie of a lifetime by hooking his boxers by a projecting root. The whole picture was lamentably hilarious. Horo Horo exploded with laughter at the Afro shaman. Ryu tisked disapprovingly and yelled out:

- Don't worry! I'll get you down in a second!

He oversouled Tokagero in his sword and launched him towards Yoh. He was just about to unhook the hapless Asakura from the branch when a huge, red apple smashed in his face.

- Don't you dare touch him! - Anna's enraged voice responded. Ryu was smart enough to quickly disengage his Oversoul before Anna could come and beat him up. Horo finally stopped laughing at the sight of an approaching threat and stood up. He wiped out the smile from his face and demanded:  
- Why did you tie Yoh up there!  
- Because he was cheating on me. - The girl answered expressionlessly. Horo knew that Anna was boiling under that icy mask, so he dared not to incur her wrath. He asked again, this time surprisedly:  
- He? Cheating on YOU? - He pointed out unbelievingly. Yoh loved Anna and everyone knew that. Besides, even if he didn't, there was nothing he could do to dissolve his marriage with her, otherwise he would face a slow, painful death.

Anna glowered at her future husband, who grinned back desperately.

- He was holding hands with Mari.  
- **WHAAAAT?** - Ryu and Horo babbled out in horror. The older shaman gaped at Yoh and yelled out:  
- Dana! Is this true?

Yoh glimpsed at Mari, then glanced at Manta. They were both unhappy and very, very annoyed. Yoh decided to make it easy for himself and everyone else.

- Well... we were holding hands...

Horo Horo collapsed on his knees and wailed out as if Yoh had just died, which was probably going to happen in the near future. Yoh raised his voice:

- ...But this doesn't mean I was cheating on Anna!  
- It's true! - Mari added tensely. - Mari and Yoh-sama are not a couple, although Mari would like to-- - Manta shied his tiny snicker at Mari to make her shut up before she doomed them all.

Anna frowned.

- You are only allowed to hold hands with me!

Yoh goggled at her.

- **WHAT?** Since when am I forbidden to hold people's hands? - He exclaimed in growing annoyance. This time his fiancée went too far! Anna was still glowering at her unfaithful fiancé and snapped out:  
**-** Holding hands with a girl means only one thing!  
- Of course it does; it means we are **very close friends!** - Yoh pointed out stubbornly. Mari, Manta and Chocolove nodded supportively. Anna didn't fell for his lame excuse.  
- You'll stay up there with your 'love' till you've learned your lesson. - She concluded harshly and started to walk away. Manta and Chocolove panicked:  
- No! No! Wait! Don't go! Get me down from here!  
- Ren asked to keep you up there for two more days. - Anna muttered nonchalantly.  
- But why am I tied here? - Manta screamed mournfully.  
- Because you are a witness of their crime.  
- That doesn't explain anything! You can't keep me up here because of that!

Anna glowered at Horo and Ryu, who stood still like soldiers before their sergeant.

- Don't tie Yoh and Mari till next week. Now get out of here.  
- WHAT! NEXT WEEK? - Yoh screamed out. Mari burst out in tears at her faith. Manta's face remained stiff like a rock. Chocolove was the only one who remained a bit more optimistic.  
- C'mon guys, it's not that bad.

Everyone fixed him.

- Look on the bright side! - He grinned cheerfully. - At least we'll have plenty of time to tell you my newest jokes!

Yoh, Manta and Mari's faces wrenched in horror. They started waving hands and screaming at passing people desperately to get them down from the tree.  
A whole week tied on a tree, with nothing else to listen but Chocolove's humor. Anna sure knew how to make a person's life a **_living hell_**!

And somewhere on the outskirts of Patch Village, four shadows were approaching the village with evil intentions in mind.  
The shadow in front smirked evilly and announced with glowing, foul red eyes:

- It's Showtime!

* * *

**From the Author:** Man, things are starting to get interesting! What are Hao's evil plans? Will Anna finally show mercy and take off Yoh and the others from that tree? And what about Kanna and the Lilly Five, what the hell are they planning to do? The answers to there questions you will find in the next chapter! 


	8. Hao Against Bigass Billy

**Chapter Eight: Hao Against Bigass Billy**

- Doomsday is here! Make a run for it! - An old waif with a long messy white beard yelled out, holding a big wooden sign with the words: 'Prepare for the Apocalypse! The Last Judgement draws near!'  
Silva came out of nowhere and unleashed the Silver Coil snake upon the old man, strangling him in a sparkling ring. The man remained breathless.

- Stop spreading your propaganda, God damn it! - The Priest shrieked. - You're frightening the people!

The elderly loafer groaned out:

- I'm telling you the truth! It's here! Doomsday is here! I saw him walk this street earlier this day!

Silva gaped.

- WHO the hell are you talking about? - He demanded angrily. He loosened the hold around the man and placed him on the ground.  
- Hao Asakura, of course! He is more terrifying than ever! And he has grown even stronger, with a new power by his side!

Silva froze in fear.

- He is back?  
- YES! - The old wacko announced. - And he now wields...

He held his breath, gathering the silence around him, then declared dramatically:  
- ...**_The Grand Power of the Unholy Cactus!_**

Sounds of a Latin chorus echoed dramatically around the two. Someone began drumming methodically. Silva froze still. Seconds later the chore's tenor voices faded away, leaving them with the everyday bustle of passing people.

- Did you hear something?

The old man shrugged.

- No. Did you?  
- Yeah... I could've sword I heard a chorus when you said 'the power of the cactus'...  
- You mean... - The old waif drawled. - ...**_The Grand Power of the Unholy Cactus!_**

A hundred tenor voices sang out something in Latin. A very good effect for the approach of Doomsday, Silva had to agree with himself, but really annoying at the current situation.

- There it was again! What the fuck is going on here?  
- It's all scenic effects, my friend. - The man explained with an edifying finger. - The mighty creature who writes the Script of Life is only trying to warn us about something!

Silva frowned:

- What? You mean God?

The man grinned at him:

- No, you idiot! The man who writes this story, of course! The very maniac whose twisted mind can only yield worthless piece of crap like the one that is read right now! It is the same guy who desperately who has absolutely NO IDEA what Hao would've done to him if he was a real person and NOT just a fictional character of this Anime-based story! The same impure beast who dares write this--  
- Alright! ALRIGHT! - Silva roared and stretched his arms in the air. - I understood! So you are saying this whole sound effect thing is because of Hao's arrival?

The man snickered again:

- Of course it is! He is in the village right now, probably plotting his next evil plan on how to extract vengeance upon his unsuspecting twin...

The man suddenly closed his mouth when he realized it was a little too quiet around him. He glanced at Silva, who was standing dumbfounded.

- How do you know all this?  
- I read the script. - The man shrugged rather simply and sat in his carton. He took the sign in his hands and started yelling things like: _'Tremble, mortals! Doomsday knocks on your door!'_ or _'Better pay your debts quickly, dickheads! The Second Advent is close!'_

Silva grabbed the man by the collar and growled:

- I should arrest you for intentionally breaking the Fourth Wall, creating panic in a public area and making fake prophecies.

The man croaked out desperately:

- Hey, wait a second! You can't do that!  
- Yes, I can! Come with me! I'm taking you to the Council's base! - He dragged off the weak waif. He whined out in protest:  
- What world are we living in today?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the meantime, Hao Asakura and his faithful servitors were striding through the busy streets of Patch Village, attracting the curious glances and surprised gapes coming from random people. Many of them were surprised to see Hao himself back in the picture so soon. A guy with a cowboy hat and sunglasses recoiled when he saw the pyromancer and fled with the speed of sound in direction of the village's exit.  
Hao paced down to the café where he first met Yoh and his group of morons in Patch Village, for some reason hoping he would meet his twin there again. Hao looked around the tables outside, but there was no trace of Yoh or his gang. He glanced back at his small group of followers and murmured:

- Stay here. I'll be back in a second.

The shaman walked close to the door. He could hear people talking inside, but none of them sounded like Yoh. Hao took a deep breath, made up the scrambled thoughts in his mind, and reordered them in one clear sentence, then released his breath. The mightiest shaman who ever walked the Earth pressed the door and pushed its wings back, stood at the entrance of the dimly lit cafe, and roared out triumphantly:

- Tremble, mortals, and despair! DOOM HAS COME TO THIS TAVERN!

The hubbub suddenly stopped. Everyone gaped at Hao as if he had entered the café with no underwear on.  
Machi goggled at her master and shrieked:

- Hao-sama! What happened to your trousers?

Ashil goggled too.

- And your underwear is gone!

Hao gaped downwards. HOLY SHIT! He HAD popped on the door with no underwear! He quickly hid his most private area with palms and looked around feverishly. He moved from the doorframe stiffly and with a giant blush, covering his face.

One minute later he reappeared, this time wearing his usual trousers with red bands hanging along his hips, and roared out again:  
- Tremble, mortals, and despair! DOOM HAS COME TO THIS TAVERN!

Short silence. Then:  
- It's a café, you asshole!

Everyone laughed uproariously. Hao felt like he was slapped in the face.

- Who said that? - He shrieked furiously. Hoots and mocking yelling came from the café. - Who the fuck said that!  
- And what are you gonna do about it, smartass? - The same voice inquired scornfully.

Hao reddened in rage. Someone was daring to mock HIM! The one and only Hao Asakura was being made fun of by some idiot who didn't have the guts to show his face in the light? That couldn't go unpunished?  
- You wanna fight? - Hao yelled.

Tables were turned, chairs were tossed in the corner of the room. A man in the end of his forties, who was twice as wide as he was tall, stepped forward. He reeked of beer. There was a nasty cigarette end in his mouth. He grinned maliciously and laughed out like the Devil itself. Hao backed away when the stench of alcohol smashed against his nose.

- God Damn! - Hao exclaimed and backed away. - That's one Big Fat Ass!

Peyote, Ashil and Machi gritted their teeth when Hao said that. The fatass grumbled threateningly. He was wearing a sweatshirt, stained with coffee, beer, mustard, and of course, the man's own sweat. There was a tattoo on his right shoulder, saying 'Texas'.

- Oh my God! - The barman goggled at the scene. - That's Bigass Billy you're dealing with!

Ashil came up to Hao's shoulder and murmured anxiously:  
- Hao-sama, please, reconsider! You're facing Bigass Billy himself!

Hao cocked eyebrows.  
- So? What about him?

Ashil was close to a state of panic.  
- What the hell do you mean 'What about him?'! He's the most ruthless drunkard and brawler who ever hang out in this tavern, and also a very skilful shaman!

Hao glowered at his underling:  
- There's not a shaman alive who can match me!

Machi hissed worriedly:  
- That's true, Hao-sama, but he's got a huge belly, big muscles and a really bad temper. All you've got is the Spirit of Cactus!

Hao pouted:  
- Are you _saying_ I can't beat this guy?

The girl flinched with her eyebrows and snickered:  
- No! No! Of course not, Hao-sama! You're the best! The problem is...  
- Then it's settled. - He announced loudly. Bigass Billy was still waiting for Hao's answer. The Asakura shaman nodded at the drunkard. - Let's fight!

Billy grumbled in content. Peyote's eyes were about to fall out of their eye-sockets.  
- I can't believe my eyes! He's gonna cut him to shreds!

Hao grinned jollily, smiled at and turned his back at Billy. A very, very bad move, considering the fact Billy was in the mood of a fight.  
- Thank you, thank you, thank you! I really appreciate your support, and I'll do everything I can not to disappoint my fans! - His three minions went pale-faced when they saw Bigass Billy approaching behind him like a mountain on feet. - You just sit tight, and enjoy the show...

Unfortunately for Hao Asakura, he did not notice the intense gestures and horrified faces of his trio of underlings, desperately pointing at the doom drawing near Hao, that's why he never had the chance to protect his own skin. The following event resulted in a loud, sympathetic roar, a recoiling Peyote, petrified Ashil and eyes-closed Machi. The smart people who knew when it was the right time to leave quickly made their way to the exit. The few unwise people who liked watching brawls, broken furniture and black and blue colours, took their places in the corner of the café.  
Only the Mexican, the snobby brat, and the redheaded girl stood on the door-frame, with eyes, locked at the terrifying massacre in front of them.

- Ashil! Do something! - Machi shrieked.  
- I can't! It's his fight!  
- We can't just sit around and watch Hao-sama getting pulverized!  
- Oh, yes, we can!  
- Coward!  
- Ugh... - Peyote drawled hesitantly. - Is his back _supposed_ to be bending that way?  
- No!  
- It looks really painful...  
- Hao-sama!... - Machi mourned over her master's faith.

A bottle broke among the storm of fists. No one had used Oversouls; it was a mere tavern fight where people just smack each other back and forth. Pretty soon someone was gonna take out the guns, start shooting, throw out people through the window, set the whole building on fire, and in the end the cops will rush in to mop-up the mess and ask lame questions like 'Who the hell did this?' Hao never liked the authorities, simply because he has already had many quarrels with the Shaman Council.

Machi writhed when Hao smashed a table, hitting the floor. He let out a loud, painful gasp.  
- This isn't a Shaman Fight! - Ashil finally had to notice. - Let's stop that guy!

But it was too late. Bigass Billy stepped in front of a beaten-up Hao, who was obviously out-cold. The fatass grumbled something mockingly, and for everyone's surprise, climbed on one hale table, and stretched out arms in the air. The people went bug-eyed when they figured out what he was about to do.

- Holy Shit! - The barman shrieked and pointed at Billy unbelievingly. - He's about to do the Suffocating Bang on Hao!

Machi finally panicked. Ashil and Peyote rushed towards Hao.

Time itself slowed down. The trio rushed in a slow cadence, while Bigass Billy was getting ready to jump on Hao.  
- **Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!** - Ashil moaned out in slow motion.

Hao glared at the colossal body that blocked his view.  
**- Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllpppppp meeeeeeeeeeeeeee...** - He groaned out.

Time sped up to its normal rate.  
Billy grasped his fists, raised high above his head, and jumped.  
Hao goggled.

And the whole world blacked out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**From the Author:** Hao getting his ass kicked! Hilarious! xD Review when you read this! I'd like to hear some comments!


	9. Dance of the Lily Five

**Chapter Nine: Dance of the Lilly Five**

Well, to say the least, Hao visually lost weight and became thinner.  
After that accident, Hao was temporarily forced to use special transport to move around. One of Peyote's pockets, to be exact.  
The Mexican, the redhead and the snobby kid were strolling down the street, pondering on what to do in their free time. Hao was nowhere in sight.

Machi glanced at her boyfriend. He glanced back at her. Then they both burst out laughing.  
Peyote seemed serious for once.

- What the hell is wrong with you? How can you laugh when Hao-sama's dignity has been injured!  
- My dignity is least injured! - A doleful voice wailed out under Peyote's poncho. - Get me out of here, Peyote!

The Spanish buried his hand under the garment and pulled out Hao Asakura in his flat form. He was now more a piece of paper than a man. He gritted his teeth and hissed:

- **_DON'T_** put me in there **_AGAIN!_** I can barely breathe in there!  
- Sorry, Hao-sama. - The Proxy Master mumbled.  
- Damnit, Peyote! When was the last time you took a bath?

The Chilean grabbed Hao by the edges of his shoulders, beat the dust out of him in the air like a bed sheet, despite Hao's protests, and folded him like a rectangular package. He put him under his shoulder and paced forward, catching up with the boy and the girl.  
Hao was still irritated due to his resent defeat. He kept on prattling:

- This is the darkest day of my three lives! Being defeated by a fat bully is something that CAN'T happen to be!  
- But it did, Hao-sama. - Ashil confirmed discouragingly. - You should rest now, Hao-sama. Preserve your strengths for Yoh-sama.

Hao, who resembled a frowning sheet of paper, scolded Ashil:

- Don't call him that way anymore! Yoh is a whining bitch who gets bossed around by his own girlfriend!

Ashil shrugged and grinned. Machi took him by the arm and cuddled close to him.  
Hao grumbled again:

- I sweat it, guys! When I become Shaman King, I'll make sure that dumbass dies right after Yoh!

And that's how Bigass Billy became Hao's second greatest adversary.

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

In the meantime, Yoh, Mari, Manta and Chocolove hang out on the branches of that large tree. Literally.

None of the passing people around them tried to get them down from the tree. They were pretty well aware of Yoh's girlfriend: the one with the blond hairs, red bandana and explosive temper. Rumors were heard about that girl. Many people feared Yoh and his friends, mostly because they had Anna behind their backs. Anna Kyoyama could be identified as an organic laser cannon that was shooing death glares at anyone who dared defy her ways or her will.

And just to make sure no one tries to get Yoh and the others off the tree, she placed a sign with big, bloody red letters written on it, saying:

_'This tree is supervised and protected  
__By the iron fist of Anna Kyoyama  
__Stay Away!'_

The people living around here were smart enough not to get close to the tree. And they _valued_ their lives.

- Help us! - Yoh wailed out for the five-hundredth and twenty-second time. - Get us down from here!  
- I can't stand it anymore! - Manta screamed out and plucked at his hair. He stirred restlessly and kicked with his tiny legs. - I NEVER DID ANYTHING!

Chocolove was laughing at himself.

- Hey! Do you know why the turtle crossed the road?  
- NO! - Everyone shrieked in unison.  
- Because it was a chicken!  
- AAAAAAAAAGHHHH!

Yoh bit his lower lip. Mari started whimpering again. Manta was on the edge of insanity. Leaving them hanging from the branches of a tree, with only Chocolove to keep them company, was so far the cruelest punishment Anna could think of.

- Why? - Yoh whined out. - WHY! Why do you punish me like that, God? What have I ever done to you? **I JUST WANT TO LIVE HAPPILY!**

Yup. Life truly was cruel.  
Someone called out from the base of the tree:

- Yoh-sama! Mari! What are you doing up there?

Yoh looked down. Kanna was standing right beneath him and he had complete view of her womanly loveliness, hidden with so scanty clothes. She didn't mind.

- Kanna! Anna tied me up here!

The Lilly Five appeared behind her. The cerulean-haired woman scowled.  
- Why? What did you do this time?

Yoh cried out:  
- Anna saw me and Mari holding hands.

A mutual groan of surprise and terror. Anna was also known for her jealousy, despite the fact Yoh's faith was sealed to be her husband since early childhood.

- Mari! Is that true?

The blond withered even more.  
- Mari **was** holding hands with Yoh-sama, but she is not Yoh-sama's girlfriend!

The Lilly Five giggled and chuckled like schoolgirls. Kanna smirked.  
- Everyone knows you have a crush on Yoh-sama.

Yoh, Manta and Chocolove's jaws hung down. Mari turned red.  
- You have a crush on him too!

Kanna's face turned expressionless. Sharona and the others went _'Ooooh?'_ Yoh couldn't believe his ears.  
Well, that explains why the two of them agreed to sleep with him so easily.

- It's not like that! - Kanna justified herself. She slowly started blushing. - This was just for one night! It was just sex!

Yoh's face was slowly turning pale. Manta and Chocolove gaped at him disapprovingly.

Lily rolled her eyes and murmured:  
- Can we just get over with this?

Kanna snapped out of her embarrassment and grumbled:  
- Oh, yeah... Yoh-sama, can we get you down from there?

Yoh's eyes roamed around the sky hesitantly.  
- Eh... I don't think it's such a good idea. You see, Anna will kill us all if she finds out I'm gone from the tree in less than a week.

Manta fidgeted feverishly. The kid yelled out:  
- Don't forget about us!

Kanna muttered:  
- She doesn't have to know about it. If you want to... - She grinned. - we can get you up the tree once we're done with you.

Manta pricked up his ears and gabbled out:  
- You need him **for** **what**?

Ellie grinned at him:  
- Little kids like you don't have to know.

Manta went furious:  
- LITTLE KIDS?  
- So, Yoh, are you coming? - Kanna asked.  
- Yeah. We want to show you something! - Sharona added excitedly.

Yoh shrugged and snickered.  
- Okay.

Everyone else went bug-eyed.  
- Yoh-kun! You are leaving yourself in mortal danger! Please, stay up here till Anna calms down! - Manta exclaimed worriedly.

Yoh's smile broadened.  
- It's alright, Manta! I won't be out long.  
- But... Yoh-sama! - Mari exclaimed.  
- Okay, let's go! - Ellie exclaimed.

She leaped in the air and Oversouled her spirit in the manicure. She slashed the branch Yoh was hanging on and got him down in a second. Yoh was immediately surrounded by Kanna and the Lilly Five.  
- Now wait a second! - The Afro shaman yelled out of the top branches. - You can't leave us hanging here!

Kanna shrugged.

- We'll think about it. We may come back...  
- ...Later. - Sally grunted.

Yoh could no nothing but leave the Lilly Five lead the way and carry him away. The girls graciously ignored the cries of help, coming from the tree, and walked away with Yoh.

Mari, Manta and Chocolove just hang there, with wide eyes and hanging jaws.  
- They just left us here! - The girl exclaimed sorrowfully.

There was a nervous spasm on Manta's face.  
- This is it... - He uttered in a devastated voice. - This is as long as I can hold on...

Manta fainted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lilly Five and Kanna showed Yoh the way. He was following them down a lonely street. There was nowhere around, everyone was too busy watching a Shaman Fight, taking part in the nearby coliseum. Hopefully, Anna was there too, so the chances of bumping into her were minimal...

- Yoh! - Someone exclaimed in surprise.

The Asakura shaman nearly jumped out of his skin. He shook his head fiercely, looking in every direction.  
Footsteps came up behind him. Yoh turned back to see Ren, Lyserg, Ryu and Horo Horo strolling towards him. Ren didn't seem very pleased.

- Why are you here? I thought Anna punished you for cheating her? - The Chinese asked.  
- I NEVER cheated on her! - Yoh exclaimed. - Anyway, I'm out only for the moment. Kanna and the Lilly Five want to show me something.

Horo Horo's eyes leered at them.  
- Can we come along? - He inquired seductively.

Sharona glanced back at Kanna, who simply nodded. The blond girl nodded too.  
Yoh grinned broadly.  
- Okay! Let's go!

Lyserg was a bit hesitant.  
- I don't know... I think I should get back to the coliseum...

Milly ran up to him and exclaimed, while grasping at his wrist.  
- Lyserg-sama! Please, come with us! I want you to see this, too!

Ryu encouraged him:  
- It can't be that bad, Lyserg. Besides, the fight is probably over by now.

The green-haired mused over the matter a few seconds, then nodded approvingly. Milly grinned happily and leaded Lyserg in the front. The little girl was overjoyed to see her crush going to a place he would never forget!

The Lilly Five took them in a gym. The whole building seemed a bit old. There was no one inside it. The girls took Yoh and the gang in a vast saloon. There were a few wooden benches, positioned around the center of the room, forming a jagged circle like around a stage. Light was shining through the windows high above their heads.

Yoh, Ren, Horo Horo, Ryu and Lyserg took a sit on the benches and roamed their eyes around the saloon. They didn't have any idea what they were doing here. Kanna and the other girls strode in the center of the improvised stage. Sally had pulled out a radio out of nowhere. They all had very determined expressions on their faces.

Milly stomped in front of the group. She announced proudly:  
- Gentlemen! Please, take your seats and hold tight! This goes out to Yoh-kun and Lyserg-sama!

Yoh and the others gazed at them in a baffled way.  
- Where's Mari? - Horo Horo inquired.  
- Eh... - Yoh drawled hesitantly. - What are you gonna do?

Sharona thrust forward with a complacent grin.  
- Just sit there and enjoy the show! You'll comment it after we're done!

She strode away from him, leaving the male group puzzled. She fixed Kanna expectantly. The woman nodded determinedly.  
Sally switched the radio on. Two seconds later the music of a familiar song rand out from the speakers and resounded in the vast saloon.  
- Wait a sec! - Ryu drawled. - I've heard that one before! It's...

His jaw dropped loosely when he saw what was about to happen right in front of his eyes.

The Lilly Five placed hands on their waists, with Kanna leading the front. They paced forward elegantly, swinging their hips seductively, using their full potential to make Yoh and the others _really_ heating up under the clothes.

Lyserg's eyes were now wide.

- That's my favorite song! _'Buttons'_ ! - He exclaimed excitedly.  
- With Pussycat Dolls? - Horo inquired lively, now really thrilled.

Then it began.  
The six girls started dancing seductively, just like The Pussycat Dolls from their clip. They wriggled waists and hands and started singing:

_I'm telling you **to loosen up my buttons babe** (uh huh)  
__**But you keep frontin'** (uh)  
__**Sayin' what you gon' do to me** (uh huh)  
__**But I ain't seen nothin'** (ah)  
__**I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons babe** (uh huh)  
__**But you keep frontin'** (uh)  
__**Sayin' what you gon' do to me** (uh huh)  
__**But I ain't seen nothin'** (ah)_

Ren's eyes wend wide.  
Yoh's jaw dropped.  
Horo was drooling.  
Lyserg was expressionless.  
Ryu seemed like he had just died and gone to Heaven.

Kanna had done superbly. Their dancing was having the desired effect on the boys. First it was the goofy faces and drooling, then came up the sweating and blushing, and then... **the** **climax**. There was no way they would refuse their offer. Their performance had started flawlessly. The only thing missing right now was Snoop Dogg to rap out something.

Kanna sang out:

_Typical and hardly  
__The type I fall for  
__I like it when the physical  
__Don't leave me askin' for more  
__I'm a sexy mama (mama)  
__Who knows just how to get what I wanna (wanna)  
__What I wanna do is bring this on ya (on ya)  
__Backup all the things that I told ya (told ya, told ya, told ya)  
__You've been sayin'  
__All the right things all night long  
__But I can't seem to get you over here  
__To help take this off_

As she was singing, the other girls strode forward with swaying hips and sexy bodies, and when the next part of the lyrics came forth, they started stripping.

Yoh's face turned bright red.

- _Baby can't you see..._ - Kanna purred and fiddled seductively with her shoulder-straps.  
- **_See..._** - The girls sang out and ran their hands down their bodies and breasts.  
- _How these clothes are fittin' on me... _- The woman glided a finger down her chest and abdomen.  
- **_me... _**- Elly slowly tugged off her shirt.  
- _And the heat comin' from this beat..._ - Kanna suddenly grabbed her denim shorts and lowered them.  
- **_beat... _**- All of the girls had lost one or two of their clothes.  
- _I'm about to blow, I don't think you know... _- She purred and then she and the others started dancing fervently again:

_I'm telling you **to loosen up my buttons babe** (uh huh)  
__**But you keep frontin'** (uh)  
__**Sayin' what you gon' do to me** (uh huh)  
__**But I ain't seen nothin'** (ah)  
__**I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons babe** (uh huh)  
__**But you keep frontin'** (uh)  
__**Sayin' what you gon' do to me** (uh huh)  
__**But I ain't seen nothin'** (ah)_

The five male shamans on the benches were staring at the girls in front of them. Lyserg's blush had spread across his whole face. He went even redder when Milly winked at him.

The dancers glided hands across their thighs in a slow manner, resulting in sweating from the audience, consisting entirely of male shamans. Ryu's pompadour hair suddenly stood straight, like some other attributes the writer would prefer not to mention right now. The girls drew a finger across their chests, right between their breasts, not even stopping with their performance.

Kanna approached Yoh with swaying hips and sexy body, then sang:

_You say you're a big boy  
__But I can't agree  
__'Cuz the love you said you had  
__Ain't been put on me  
__I wonder (**wonder**)  
__If I'm just too much for you, wonder (**wonder**)  
__If my kiss don't make you just wonder (**wonder**)  
__What I got next for you, what you wanna do (**do**)  
__Take a chance to recognize  
__That this could be yours  
__I can see just like most guys  
__That your game don't please_

Only to make Yoh more horny, she lowered her body forward, revealing the most private parts of her body. He gaped at that cleavage right in front of his eyes, drooling in ecstasy.  
The Lilly Five stepped towards the next part of the dance:

**Baby can't you see (_see_)  
****How these clothes are fittin' on me (_me_)  
****And the heat comin' from this beat (_beat_)  
****I'm about to blow, I don't think you know**

With each next line of the song, they were slowly stripping off whatever clothes they had left, right before of the fortunate male group. Kanna, Sally and Elly were the ones who attracted most of the attention, seeing as the blue haired woman was now only in panties and her tube top, Elly remained with her lace bra, and Sally was obviously not wearing any under her black blouse with cut spot at her cleavage. Milly stripped from her little red dress, watched tensely by a flushing Lyserg. Hopefully, she was wearing small pink panties and bra under her dress, else the douser and the writer of this story would be dealing with child abuse!

And they went on again:

**I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons babe (uh huh)  
****But you keep frontin' (uh)  
****Sayin' what you gon' do to me (uh huh)  
****But I ain't seen nothin' (ah)  
****I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons babe (uh huh)  
****But you keep frontin' (uh)  
****Sayin' what you gon' do to me (uh huh)  
****But I ain't seen nothin' (ah)**

_'They're really good!'_ Yoh thought in amazement. _'They really **are** good!'_

_**Come on baby loosen up my buttons babe  
**__(loosen up my buttons babe)  
__**Baby won't you loosen up my buttons babe  
**__(loosen up my buttons babe)  
__**Come on baby loosen up my buttons babe  
**__(loosen up my buttons babe)  
__**Baby won't you loosen up my buttons babe  
**__(loosen up my buttons babe)_

Everyone knew that part; the song was coming to its end. Ryu and Horo couldn't get more bug-eyed; the Lilies continued stripping, as the song was nearing the final.  
Sharona swayed her sexy body and reached for her bra. So did the other girls, as well as Kanna.  
Everyone went silent for a whole second, staring with wide eyes and hanging jaws.

And then it came! The climax!

_I'm telling you **to loosen up my buttons babe** (uh huh)  
__**But you keep frontin'** (uh)  
__**Sayin' what you gon' do to me** (uh huh)  
__**But I ain't seen nothin'** (ah)  
__**I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons babe** (uh huh)  
__**But you keep frontin'** (uh)  
__**Sayin' what you gon' do to me** (uh huh)  
__**But I ain't seen nothin'** (ah)_

_I'm telling you **to loosen up my buttons babe** (uh huh)  
__**But you keep frontin'** (uh)  
__**Sayin' what you gon' do to me** (uh huh)  
__**But I ain't seen nothin'** (ah)  
__**I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons babe** (uh huh)  
__**But you keep frontin'** (uh)  
__**Sayin' what you gon' do to me** (uh huh)  
__**But I ain't seen nothin'** (ah)_

The song ended.

Kanna and the Lilly Five stood there, with stretched hands in the 'That's all, Folks!' manner, expecting a wild applause.  
Yoh and the guys were too busy looking at the miracle in front of them: six sexy young girls, all of them standing in their birthday suits. Even Milly and Lilly.

Sharona placed hands on her waist and stuck out her chest, which only attracted more curious gazes.  
- So, Yoh-sama! - She exclaimed. - Will you take us?

Yoh shut his jaw abruptly.  
He blinked.  
He blinked again.  
Then, he babbled out:  
- Take you WITH me?

They nodded expectantly.  
Yoh mulled over for a few seconds, then answered with his trademark laid-back grin:

- Sure I do! You'll be perfect for a cheer-leader team!

Kanna smirked.  
Sharona goggled.  
Elly gaped.  
Sally glowered.  
Lilly snorted.  
Milly giggled.  
Yoh snickered.  
Ren blinked.  
Horo went 'Huh?'  
Ryu blacked out and collapsed.  
Lyserg remained expressionless.

_'Everything went exactly as planned.' _Kanna thought as she reached for her tube top, lying on the ground. _'I said they'll make good cheer-leaders.'  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**Disclaimer:** _I don't own **Shaman** **King**, nor do I own **The** **Pussycat** **Dolls**, **Snoop** **Dogg** or **'Buttons'**! I only hope my scandalous stories don't result in an angry mob banging on my door with torches and pitchforks...


	10. The Approaching Doom

**Chapter Ten: The Approaching Doom**

- Hey, look at that! - Machi exclaimed and pointed at the object.

Everyone gazed at the pointed direction, including the flat Hao Asakura.  
- Let's use this to return Hao-sama's normal size!  
- Ugh... - Hao hesitated.  
- I think you've had too much coffee this morning, Machi. - Ashil noted.  
- I don't drink coffee, you moron!  
- Then you've probably caught something from Peyote; are you high or something?  
- Hey! - The Mexican exclaimed.  
- Well, c'mon! What else can we do?  
- This isn't a cartoon, for God's sake! What are ya gonna do? Blow him up and carry him around like a balloon?  
- That's not a bad idea now, is it?...

Hao gaped at the big bottle of helium, propped up against a wall. There were a couple of balloons tied around the handle.  
- It's better than to carry Hao-sama around under the armpit... - Peyote was thoughtful for a very short moment.

Machi glanced at Hao. Ashil looked at his master too. Peyote fixed him dully.  
Hao gulped. He suddenly beheld his future, where he would exist in the light form of a floating balloon, squeaking around like Mickey Mouse and being carried around on a cord.

Ashil reached forward and grabbed him by one flat shoulder. Machi took the other.  
Hao's eyes slowly widened when he was carried off in direction towards the bottle.

- Mommy! - Hao squealed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the meantime, Anna Kyoyama was walking down the lane, looking for someone to harass. For some unfortunate circumstances for her fiancé, Anna paced through the Patch Village center, where the large tree stood.  
She looked up, hoping to see her fiancé in the death throes of Chocolove's sense of humor. After all, every punishment Anna could think of was by all means... _unpleasant_.  
Her face twisted in chock when she saw that the people hanging on the branches were with one person less.

She shrieked at the top of her lungs:  
**- YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!**

The ground under Patch shook violently.  
Tamao jumped out of her skin and accidentally dropped a cup of tea on the floor. She burst out in tears, mourning over her crush's fate.  
Pirika stood up and looked around.  
Silva looked up above his newspaper, sighed deeply, and resumed relieving his natural callings in the toilet.  
Opacho gazed in the distance worriedly. Faust was high again and just giggled like a schoolgirl. The ZenRyo were too busy smoking pot and coughing the shit out of their lungs to hear the roar, indicating Yoh's approaching doom.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peyote, Ashil and Machi looked around fiercely.  
- Did you hear something? - Ashil drawled.  
Hao gurgled out something.  
- Huh? - Machi muttered at Hao.  
- I think he said 'That was Anna'. - Peyote translated to everyone.

Hao muffled out something else. He appeared to have more spherical form now because he was filled with helium.  
- That poor kid. - Peyote muttered sadly and shook his head. - We knew him well...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anna's banshee scream reached Yoh's ears. He bristled up like a wild animal, sensing a predator's approach. So did the rest of his gang, Kanna and the Lily Five.  
- That's Anna! - Yoh wailed in horror. He turned left and right with feverish haste, eyes jumping from one corner of the street to the other.  
- We gotta get out of here! - Horo screamed. The Lily Five suddenly let out scream after scream, hopping around and waving hands like schoolgirls. Panic overtook the whole group. Moments later, everyone was screaming in each other's faces.

Ren was the only one who seemed composed.  
- There's no need for any of you to panic! This only concerns Yoh.

Everyone gawked at him. Then, like one, they let out a relieved sigh.  
Yoh was only getting more worried about his current fate.  
- What! - He exclaimed. - You can't leave me here!

Ren frowned:  
- Why do we have to get involved with you? It's pointless for all of us to die.

Ryu and Horo goggled and inquired loudly:  
**- What do you mean 'die'?  
**- It's obvious that Anna's gonna tear off your groins when she gets her hands on you... - Ren began, but was interrupted by an appalled Yoh.  
- Don't you mean _'IF'_ she gets her hands on me? I'm not just gonna stand here and wait for her to castrate me!  
- SHE'S GONNA DO THAT! - Lyserg shrieked like a little girl and fainted. Everyone gazed at the girlish douser, who immediately lured Ryu's and Milly's attention, then turned back with the more important matters at hand.

Ren cleared his throat and continued:  
- ...so my suggestion to you, Yoh, is to pack your things and find a place to hide in.

Yoh's face was a mask of desperation and stiff terror.  
- I don't guarantee anything, but it may be best to stay out of her sight for a while till things cool down a bit.

The Tao then turned towards Kanna and the Lilies:  
- You girls should stay out of Anna's sight too, seeing as you're the ones who freed Yoh.  
- I knew it! - Sharona exclaimed and tugged at her hair. - I knew it was a mistake to get him down from there! Now we're gonna burn in hell for what we've done!

Kanna turned around and slapped her furiously. Sharona fell on the ground.  
- Get a grip on yourself! - The azure-haired woman yelled out: - We'll think of something!

The two started arguing about how impossible it was to evade the itako's wrath, when Lilly suddenly felt shivers down her back. She Oversouled her glasses and switched her Far Sight on.

The girl saw her: a combination of a volcano, earthquake, forest fire and the Ice Age, all mixed in together and embodied in the form of a blond girl with shoulder-length hair, red bandana and black dress, pacing towards their direction, with eyes burning like two embers. Lilly could sense her aura of fury even from here.

She disengaged her Oversoul and poked Sharona on the shoulder. The blond woman turned back and glared at the younger girl:  
- What?  
- Anna's coming. - Lilly said briefly.

Everyone panicked.

Among the screams of terror and wails of desperation, Yoh came up with an idea. He shouted out and pointed at a small lane, leading to the suburbs of the village:  
- Everyone! Follow me! I know where we can hide!

The coefficient of a terrified crowd was equal to a negative number, therefore it wasn't something to be surprised of that everyone followed Yoh hastily, as he rushed down the street in a desperate effort to protect his own life.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Machi tied a cord around Hao's leg. She giggled.  
- There! - She exclaimed with a broad grin. - All done here!  
Ashil slightly frowned.  
- Yeah... now we can carry him around like a balloon.  
- At least he'll have plenty of fresh air to breathe! - Peyote noted cheerfully.  
- Maybe he's had a little too much fresh air. - The boy muttered sarcastically.

Hao squeaked out in a thin voice:  
_- Get me down from here!_

Everyone burst out laughing at Hao's hilarious voice.  
- He sounds just like Mickey Mouse! - Machi cried out among her tears of laughter.

The pyromaster glowered at his minions.  
_- Cut it out! This isn't funny!_

Peyote was bended in half when he gasped out:  
- But you are, Hao-sama!  
_- Wait till I get down from here! _- Hao yelled squeakily_. - You'll rue the day when you inflated the great Hao-sama with helium!_

His furious exclamation just made them laugh even louder. The Asakura twin was about to completely lose his temper when he suddenly noticed something walking down the street.  
It was Anna. She was striding with ill-concealed fury towards the point where her fiancé probably was.  
Hao's group followed the itako with cautious eyes as she disappeared behind a corner. They hadn't moved a muscle since she came in their sight.  
- That was Yoh's wife, right? - The Mexican drawled.

Ashil, Hao and Machi nodded.  
- Then this means Yoh-sama is up to his neck in shit. - Peyote concluded thoughtfully.  
_- 'Bout time his luck wears out! - Hao peeped out in dark content. - That happy-go-lucky idiot is about to have his ass torn off!_

Everyone fell over in a new state of maniacal laughter.  
_- SHUT UP!_ - Hao screamed furiously.

**From the Author:** Well, this is the end of another chapter:D What is gonna happen to Yoh when Anna finds him? Where has he gone to anyway? And what about Hao; is he ever gonna take his vengeance on Yoh? Will he ever return his normal form? Find out in the next chapters of **_'The Legend Lives Once Again'_**!


	11. The XLaws' New Job

**Chapter Eleven: The X-Laws' New Job**

It seems we'll have to forget about Hao's misadventures and his twin's distress, seeing as there's another calling coming from a distant part of Patch Village.

It came from the Patch Diver, operated by none else but Silva, the priest, who had recently employed new staff to help him look after the restaurant. The business was kinda low in the last couple of weeks and he was beginning to have serious doubts people avoided entering his diner. He was running out of ideas how to attract customers, and the diner was his greatest responsibility right now.  
He was really desperate.  
He needed customers!  
And so, when hard times came upon him, drastic measures had to be taken.

Silva gazed at his two newest employees. De facto, these two were the only people who worked in this diner.

One was a tall husky man, with straight, short blond hair, and cold blue eyes, watching behind their glasses. He used to wear a white uniform with a wide blue band around the waist, a holster hanging on his belt where he would keep his handgun, tall black soldier boots and a silver armor plate on his left shoulder. But now... the man was wearing a blue shirt and a white apron with red edges and a yellow text in the middle, announcing: 'Happy Patch Diner'. The man had a dark, stiffened mug on his face; he was a true candidate for Guinness's book of world records for the gloomiest facial expression ever.

The other employee was a young girl, about twelve years old, with long, wavy silver hair, falling down her back. She had warm claret eyes, looking kind-heartedly at the priest, not even objecting for wearing the small, white, _really_ _tight_ waitress' dress, with a little piece of cardboard, saying _'Hi, my name is **Jeanne'**_. The girl's heart was generous and good-willing enough to perform a strip in the middle of the street and then walk around, asking people to give money for charity. She would _doubtlessly_ succeed.

However, the circumstances led her to Silva's Patch Diner, where the working conditions didn't oblige her to take off her clothes. And so, Jeanne, the Iron Maiden, former leader of the paramilitary X-Law order, zealously followed by her right hand, Marco, started her first day as a waitress in the Patch Diner.

Silva stood straight and gave the staff a firm, employer's look, always spared for the new workers. He then spoke:  
- I don't think there's any need for us to introduce ourselves, seeing as we're all familiar here. - He gazed at Marco, then back at Jeanne. - You'll be working here ten hours a day, and your payment will depend on the flow of customers coming here. Now... I know that Patch Diner has become a bit unpopular since the Shaman Fight began a second time, but I'm sure that'll change pretty soon...

Marco groaned deeply. Jeanne beamed up at the priest and smiled.  
Then suddenly, the door bell rang when someone entered the room. Multiple footsteps sounded inside the diner.

Silva heard the following conversation:  
- Oh, come on... Why did we come here? - A boy's bored voice drawled out.  
- The sign says 'Buy two Patch Burgers at the price of one'! You can't miss an offer like that! - Another voice, a girl's voice, explained cheerfully.  
- Why not? If I recall, the prices around here were pretty high.  
- This place seems old. I don't like it... - A third, male voice, muffled this.  
- Why?  
- ...And the coffee they serve around here is a bit sour.  
- Ugh... '_Sour'_?  
- Compared to the coffee we used to drink in Brazil, this here is total crap!  
- You've been in Brazil, Peyote?  
- No, but one of my cousins sent me coffee from there.  
- Oh? So you also have Brazilian blood, eh? - The girl inquired perkily.  
- Yup. Let's just say I have a really big family.  
- So tell me again, why are we here? There are a lot more cafes and restaurants not far from here with cheaper prices...  
- _Two Patch Burgers!_ **_At the price of one! _**Don't you want cheap burgers, Ashil?  
- They are not cheap! Besides, I've heard that the food here tastes like shi...  
- Oh, look! - The girl exclaimed. - They've got new employees!

The customers were three people: one was a tall Mexican-looking man with a big sombrero, a mask with a skull on it, carrying a guitar in his hands, the other was a redhead girl with two spiky tails, violet eyes and a wide, mischievous grin, and the third was a small kid with dark shoulder-length hair and the clothes of a nifty English prince. He was holding negligently a balloon by the cord. That balloon's appearance reminded Silva of...  
- Hi, there! - The girl exclaimed and popped up in front of Silva, with a huge smile on her face. - We saw your offer and would like five Patch Burgers, please!

Silva recoiled in surprise.  
- Ugh... yeah, sure! - He stammered, then glared at his new employees. - Get down to work!

Marco and Jeanne disappeared towards the kitchen. Silva thought in startled relief:  
_'Wow! That sure was fast... If I knew the sign would attract customers, I would've put it there a long time ago!'_

The group sat around a table. Hao was tied to the leg of Ashil's chair.  
- Why did you order five burgers? - He muttered dully.

The girl snickered:  
- I'm hungry!

Peyote rolled his eyes. Ashil then spoke to the balloon:  
- So, Hao-sama, what are you planning to do now?

The balloon stretched his arms forward and caught the cord, tied around his leg. He hauled himself down to Ashil's head level and squeaked out:  
_- We eat. Then we go and find Yoh. I have a good hunch where he could be..._

Everyone around him exploded in unrestrained laughter.  
_- Will you STOP it already!_ - Hao roared out, as much as that was possible when you've gobbled up with helium.

He turned back and saw Marco, rushing through the kitchen, carrying a pile of plates in his hands.  
_- The X-Laws are here!_ - Hao whispered squeakily. - _What the hell are they doing here?_

Machi glanced at the man.  
- Got themselves a new job?  
_- Don't be stupid!_ - Hao chided her. - _The Iron Maiden? Working as a waitress? In **that** suit?  
__- Are you suggestion we're being ambushed, Hao-sama?_ - Peyote inquired.

The pyromaster cocked eyebrows and rolled his eyes.  
_- Well, duh! What else do you think's going on here? Keep your eyes peeled! They'll probably try to poison our food or spike our drinks!  
_- We didn't order any drinks... - Peyote babbled out desperately.  
- Or maybe use their Archangel Oversouls to beat the shit out of us. - Machi added loquaciously.

Hao frowned. He glanced skeptically at the Spirit of Cactus, floating near his left shoulder, and stated, this time with a more normal voice:  
- The only thing I've got is the Spirit of Cactus! How are we supposed to fight them?

Peyote raised a finger edifyingly.  
- You should not underestimate the magnificent power of The Cactus, Hao-sama! - The Mexican exclaimed. - This mighty spirit will save your life one day!  
- I'd like to see this happen... - The Asakura twin murmured under his nose.

Peyote was just about to object, when Marco arrived at their table, carrying a plate filled with burgers. Machi was overjoyed.  
- Yay! The burgers are here!

Ashil groaned and took one burger. Marco left them the check and walked away, still keeping his grim mug on.  
- That guy looks like he's seen hell. - Ashil muttered.  
- Or is about to see one. - Peyote added. - I hear things about this here diner, and I'm telling you; there's no good thing about it!  
- Like what? - Hao got intrigued.

Peyote obviously cheered up a bit for finding people to listen to his story, and started talkatively:  
- Well, I've heard rumors that Silva is running low on products for his meals...  
- And? - The boy muttered evenly. He had eaten a single bite of Silva's famous Patch Burgers and _immediately_ lost his appetite. Machi had already devoured half of her burger, not even looking at what she was eating.  
- And... - Peyote drawled spookily, as if telling stories around the campfire. - I heard that Silva and Kalim use rats as one of their main ingredients of the Patch Burger!

Machi choked up. Her face turned blue and spit out the bite of her burger.  
- What! - She nearly screamed. - No way!  
- Uh-huh.  
- So I've been eating a **_roasted_** **_rat_**?  
- Probably.

She went 'Uuuuuggh!' and pushed her burger away from her.  
- And as much as I know, they are also low on chilli sauce right now...

Hao slapped his palm on his face. Machi stood up and rushed towards the bathroom.  
- Oh, God!... - Hao wailed desperately. - Don't tell me they put something else in the sauce, too!

A loud puking sound was heard from the ladies' room.  
Peyote was nonetheless not embarrassed at all. He kept talking cheerfully:  
- I heard Silva and Kalim often go to a nearby chicken farm...  
- Oh, no... - Hao groaned.  
- There's a chicken farm in Patch?... - Ashil inquired weakly.  
- ...And they always clean up after the chickens and fill up a bucket with their...  
- Peyote, stop it! - The Asakura exclaimed fiercely.  
- I think he's high again. - Ashil suggested.

Peyote glared at the kid.  
- You, bastard! Do you think I don't know what I'm talking about?

Ashil raised eyebrows.  
- Of course you don't! You're high!  
- I keep telling you I'm not high, you little motherf... - Peyote shouted out and stood up.

Just then Marco appeared out of nowhere and said:  
- Before you leave, please, pay the bill.

Ashil and Peyote glared at Marco.  
- We're not leaving, you moron! - Peyote exclaimed. - I'm about to kick the shit out of this punk!  
- You dumbass druggy won't leave this place alive!

Just before they lunged on each other, Marco recalled something:  
- Wait a minute! - He shouted out. - Do I know you guys from somewhere?

They froze. Hao froze as well, trying to resemble a harmless balloon.  
- You people are Hao's henchmen! - He recoiled and pointed at them accusingly. - And that balloon over there is Hao himself!

Hao's face turned white.

Peyote and Ashil looked around in sincere confusion. The Mexican seemed the most innocent-looking one.  
- A balloon? - He asked in surprise. - What balloon?  
- The one with the long hair, big red earrings, brown gloves and white poncho! - Marco exclaimed fiercely and waved a hand at the inflated Asakura.

The Chilean gazed at Marco and spoke cheerfully:  
- This balloon here can't possibly be Hao-sama, my good man! It's just a balloon that looks like the Great One.  
- That balloon has **_hands_**! - Marco stated the obvious.  
- It's just a life-sized balloon in Hao's form!  
- I saw him breathing!  
- He was just deflating...  
- Aaa-HAH! - The X-Law shouted triumphantly. - You referred to the balloon as a person!  
- Oh, no, no... it's just that it looks so much like our good old Hao-sama. - Peyote explained with innocent loyalty.  
- Do you take me for an idiot!  
- Nope.  
- Good! - Marco stood straight and gave the Mexican a complacent, royal glare. - Because when I say it's Hao, then I _mean_ that it's Hao!

Hao rolled his eyes. Ashil sighed.  
- He rolled his eyes! - The former X-Law shrieked. He grabbed the plate from the table and smacked Hao against the wall. The inflated shaman completely deflated and span around the room: possibly the most ridiculous thing that could be seen in this life, not to mention the sounds Hao was making.

The pyromaster finally stood up, rubbed the dust off his poncho, and made a mighty expression:  
- You are correct, X-Law! - He exclaimed and pointed a finger at the skies. - I **_AM_** the **Great** **One**! I am the **One** **and** **Only**! I **_AM_** Asakura Hao!

Marco was born to dramatize in such situations, and it's been a long time since he last had a good Shaman Fight. So, it was of no one's surprise that he pointed out a finger and roared out in amazement:  
- Foul demon! Why are you still alive! You were supposed to burn in the lowest pits of Hell right now!

Marco's illness was obviously contagious, and Hao had caught it as well. He laughed out maniacally:  
- AAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAH! You ignorant fool! What makes you think there is a force on this world that can put me to an end? - A colossal grin popped on his face and his eyes went wide. - You idiotic buffoons have no way to stop me!

Marco raised a hand in the air and mouthed out with shining glasses:  
- Ah, you unholy beast! How dare you look at me, the representative of sanctity of justice, in the eyes, and speak out such cold-blooded words? You heartless beast will not linger for too long, as I will send you to eternal oblivion myself!

Everyone in the restaurant was completely aghast. Silva's mouth was hanging loose.  
_  
'Jesus Christ! I have to get him to work here, too! I'll make a fortune if these two carry out such performances every night!'_

Hao laughed out again, this time more triumphantly:  
- AHAH! Have you not realized yet? I am indestructible! I am the embodied future of this planet! You will either accept me or perish in infernal flames!

Jeanne suddenly appeared outside the bar. She was wearing that waitress suit, the pink apron, and was carrying a plate in her hands.  
- Marco! - She exclaimed. - What is the meaning of this?

Machi's mouth dropped widely when Marco suddenly collapsed before Jeanne and wailed out:  
- Oh, beloved Maiden! Hear my plea, for the hour of darkness has come at last! The wicked devil himself has entered this diner, and even now is plotting his next evil plans! He is standing right in front of you, oh, beloved Jeanne! The embodiment of evil itself: Asakura Hao!

Ashil groaned at the scene. It was more boring than _'Hamlet'_ itself.

The girl got infected as well. She gazed at Hao with wide eyes, suddenly overfilled with hatred towards the Asakura. Jeanne stretched her hands and put her index fingers before her face in the form of a cross. She shouted out:

- Evil-doer! Begone from this place! This diner is protected by the holy seal of my presence!

- Holy what? - Peyote murmured.  
Ashil shrugged. Machi was still staring, wide-eyed.

- You shall not escape the judgement this time, Asakura Hao! - Jeanne exclaimed in righteous fury once again. - Marco! Attack him!

Marco saluted, then screamed out:  
- Silva! Turn on the radio!

The priest was daydreaming about becoming millionaire and overtaking the Council from Goldva once he made his fortune through Hao and Marco. The X-Law interrupted his sweet fantasies. Silva mumbled out in bafflement:  
- Ugh... the radio?  
- Yes! The radio! Play my theme!  
- Ugh... theme?  
- The X-Law theme, of course!

Silva's thought train entered a dark tunnel.  
- What X-Law theme?

Marco pouted:  
- Seigi no Shisha, you moron!

Silva finally remembered. He snapped with fingers and exclaimed:  
- Oh, yeah! Sure!

He switched the radio on. The disk inside it started playing.

**'AAAAAAaaahhh...'**

Marco seemed pleased, now that the X-Law theme was playing. He smirked at Hao.  
- Now, evil one... **('AAAAAaaaaahhh...')** I am going to finish you off right here.  
The X-Law was holding a gun **('AAAAaaaaahhh...').** He raised it ominously at the Asakura. Hao and his minions were now completely alarmed.  
- This is for Justice... - Marco murmured and pressed the trigger...

- STOP!

The music skipped and stopped like in most hilarious situations like this one.  
It was Silva. And Marco had not yet pushed the trigger.

- WHAT? - Marco shrieked and span towards Silva.  
- You can't fight here! - The priest yelled out. - Do you have any idea what that Archangel Oversoul will do to the furniture?

Jeanne and her underling gaped at the priest.  
- You stopped him for that? - Jeanne screamed furiously.

Marco turned back to shoot Hao.  
- Now I will destroy you once and for... _Hey! Where they go?_

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hao's minions were smart enough to flee from the battlefield with their master while they had the chance. Hao was picked up by the shoulders by Ashil and Peyote, and now the four were jogging down the street at a very decent speed.

- Cowards! Get back in there! - Hao roared out.  
- Do you think he's sane now? - Peyote asked.  
- Of course not! - Ashil snapped. - He's never been sane!  
- Let's just keep moving before that guy comes after us!

They soon disappeared behind the corner, just when Marco burst from the diner, with his weapon in hand.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And in the meantime, Yoh and his gang had already taken shelter in an abandoned warehouse where the Judges used to stock food for the Shaman Fight. The Asakura wandered deep in the building, in hope of evading Anna's wrath.  
What Yoh didn't realize was that Anna already knew where he had gone to.  
The darkest shadow of all, in the form of a blond girl with black dress and a red bandana, stood outside the warehouse's entrance. Her eyes were crimson red.

She entered the building with the overt urge to kill.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**From the Author:** And this is how Anna set out to destroy her fiancé! Find out what happens to Hao and Yoh in the next chapter!


	12. A Really Scary Place

**Chapter Twelve: A Really Scary Place**

_...Receiving incoming orders...  
__...0...  
__...000...  
__...Destroy...  
__...Destroy Yoh Asakura...  
__...0...  
__...000...  
__...Receiving in-coming outer environmental data...  
__...000...  
__...000...  
__...Building entrance blocked...  
__...0...  
__...1...  
__...01...  
__...Taken Actions: Destroy door..._

**_CRASH!_**

Anna broke the door with a single punch. She appeared from a cloud of dust and splinters, striding through the dirty floor with loud footsteps, and entering the warehouse.

She looked around. Then she narrowed her eyes. She glowered at the corridor in front of her.

Then the darkness in human form, more frightening than the twilight in the building, ventured into the building.

* * *

This place was giving Yoh the creeps.

It was too quiet. Well, the place was deserted, and it was obvious no one would come here any time soon. He didn't see any rats or other critters, lurking around the old storehouse. There was no food left in this building; only rows after rows of empty crates and boxes.  
Yoh glanced at the sobbing, huddled up Lyserg. Ryu finally woke him up, just to tell him that his life was in grave danger. Things like that can seriously ruin someone's happy mood.  
- Alright. - The Asakura drawled care-freely. - This place needs some redecorations.

Everybody looked at him.  
- If you're referring to building barricades around to stop your girlfriend... - Kanna suggested. - Then this will be a _really_ good idea.

Yoh noticed the silent hint, enhanced with hidden threat in her tone. He nodded, while sweat-dropping.  
Horo was scavenging the empty crates for food or drinks. Well, the Ainu was still himself: always thinking with his stomach.

- There's got to be something left here... - He muttered to himself.  
- Idiot. - Ren spoke disdainfully. - Do you think anyone would eat something that has stayed here for months?

Horo roared out:  
- Don't interrupt! I'm sure there's something good to eat!

Sharona and the Lilies came from behind a huge crate. The leader said:  
- There's a tunnel leading beneath the warehouse. - She turned back to face in the direction she came from. - Do you think it leads to somewhere?

Yoh walked up to her.  
- Well, we have to try. - He said in his customary slack tone. - The farther from Anna we are now, the better.

Then he snickered affably.

Soon they started piling up whatever they could find close to the only entrance in the room. Milly and Sally had blocked the whole door with empty crates, boxes, wooden planks and some rusty iron pipes, found in the corner of the room. Yoh desperately hoped that this will be enough to **_at_** **_least_** slow Anna down for a few minutes.

Ren and Horo returned. The ice shaman was really upset for not finding anything to eat, and the Tao seemed once again pissed off at his comrade's stupidity.  
- I thought there are sandwiches in the crates!

Ren snorted:  
- I told you there's nothing good to eat in this place.

Yoh pointed at the corridor, wrapped in impenetrable darkness.  
- The girls said there's an exit down there. - The shaman spoke calmly. - Maybe there's a way for us to get out of here alive?

Ren shook his head. Horo was even more discouraged.  
- You dragged us into this! - The blue-haired murmured. - If Anna gets you, we all go down with you!

Yoh stood straight and gazed around at his army of comrades. It didn't take him long. After all, he could count to ten. He sweat-dropped and suggested:  
- So... shall we go?  
Everyone nodded confidently, except for Lyserg who was still out of his mind, and a sweet-hearted, anxious Ryu, trying to comfort him.  
Very soon, the room turned completely desolated.  
One minute passed.  
There was silence.  
And more silence.  
Then the door broke to pieces.  
The solid barricades of crates and other junk exploded when a girl charged through them.

Anna Kyoyama entered the room.  
She raised her chin up and sniffed the air.

She sensed _his_ blood.

It was Yoh's blood.

She grabbed a hatchet, lying on the dusty floor, and walked down the hall, then down the stairs, leading to Yoh's soon-to-be site of his **Final** **Stand**.

* * *

Hao and his servitors stopped around the corner to catch up with their breath. Far away from them, a fanatical scream was heard:

_- Come back and fight me, you coward...  
_- Hao-sama, what shall we do? - Ashil asked worriedly. - The X-Law moron is still chasing us!

Hao mulled over the matter for a second, then ordered:  
- Ignore him. Let's concentrate on the more important issues at hand...

Ashil and the others were in shock.  
_- Ignore him?_ That guy has a gun!

Hao raised an eyebrow.  
- Yes. And?  
- What the hell do you mean? He'll kill us!  
- He has a gun, but he doesn't have a guardian ghost!

The silence was a few moments longer.  
- He doesn't?  
- Sure he doesn't! Remember back at episode 58, when that green-haired faggot combined all Archangels into one and saved those X-Laws I killed back then? Marco's Archangel was one of them! The idiot doesn't have a spirit ally anymore!

Ashil sighed and Machi spoke in refreshed cheerfulness:  
- So we are not in danger? That madman can't do anything to us?  
- With the exception of shooting us in the head... nope. Nothing at all! - The kid shrugged and admitted discouragingly.

Hao frowned. He gazed at the dark building in front of him. It was starting to get dark and the dying sunlight was giving the warehouse an eerie atmosphere. The older Asakura shaman nodded at his group, then strode forward.

- Is this where Yoh-sama is hiding? - Peyote asked while following his master closely.  
- I told you not to call him that way anymore! - Hao snarled harshly at the Mexican.  
- Why is Yoh hiding in this wreck? - Ashil murmured doubtfully.  
- Because Anna is on his track. - Hao clarified the boy calmly. There was an creepy smirk on his lips. - When his wife finds him, Yoh's life will become a living hell.  
- What did he do to deserve this? - Machi asked. She was holding her boyfriend by the arm.  
- He cheated on her. - Hao said cheerfully.

As expected, the silence around him was a few moments longer than before.  
- He didn't. - Ashil and Peyote mumbled unbelievingly.

Hao grinned:  
- But he did! That's why his life is at stake! - He continued in his evil gloating tone. - Now we don't have to get our hands dirty, seeing as Yoh's time runs short. I can tell you now that Anna is searching for him in the building, eager to spill his blood on the ground.

Machi raised an eyebrow.  
- How did you figure that out, Hao-sama?

He pointed at something right in front of them.  
- I can tell that Anna's been here by the heavy damage that door has taken.

The large stout front door of the warehouse was reduced to a pile of broken wood and crooked metal pieces. Machi's eyes widened when she recognized the tragically bent pieces of the padlock, lying broken on the ground.

- How did she... - She began, but was interrupted by the calm Hao:  
- Don't ask. I'm afraid to answer you, but I seriously doubt she is human.  
- She has broken that door to pieces! - Peyote exclaimed while picking up a large splinter from the pile.  
- I once heard that girl has Shikigami blood in her veins. - The pyromaster explained nonchalantly.

Machi snorted:  
- That explains her temper and terrible strength!  
- Yes. And right now she's **_very_** angry. I suggest we get inside and observe the situation from a safe distance. If she doesn't kill Yoh, we'll step in and finish him off.

Everyone nodded obediently. Then they entered the building, reeking so intensely of the evil that had entered it only recently.

The small street leading to the warehouse didn't stay deserted for long. One minute after Hao and his minions ventured in the darkness, a shadowy figure emerged from the corner of a street. It was wearing a long black raincoat, with a huge hood, covering the face in total darkness.

Something was shining threateningly from his left sleeve. Something sharp and incredibly frightening.

It was a hook.

* * *

**Notes from the Author:** What the heck is wrong with everyone! Don't you like my stories? I want to see some reviews, for God's sake! 


	13. Silence in Silent Hill

**Chapter Thirteen: Silence in Silent Hill**

**From the Author**: Hi, folks! I'm back, and I'm here to stay! There'll be more chapters coming soon, so just sit tight, read my work and review! I want to see some comments, people, please, write something! Just click on the little button below that says _'Submit Review'_:)  
**Warning**: Gore, horror and death in this chapter!  
**Disclaimer**: I own neither Shaman King, nor Silent Hill.

* * *

There was a door at the end of the corridor. It was a large, rusty old door, with eerie red spots stained all over it. A huge chain, also a bit rusty and reddish-brown blocked the door. Behind the chain someone had written the words on the door with bloody red letters: 

_'Don't go through this door if you value your life. The world behind this door is stained by evil. However, should you enter, then this means you're a total dumbass and also **Abandon** **all** **hope**.'_

Yoh saw the door. Ordinary people would lose some of their composure when spotting a creepy looking door with blood all over it and a nasty sign written on it, but Yoh obviously got intrigued.

Ren, Horo, Lyserg, Ryu, Kanna and the Lilly Five caught up with him. They all stared at the door.

Yoh drew his katana and oversouled. He slashed the chain that locked the door. He reached forward to open it, but Horo suddenly caught his hand.

- Yoh, please, don't open it! Let's go back!  
- What are you saying, Horo? - Yoh asked in surprise.  
- Are you drunk or something? - Ren came from behind, frowning. - Have you not felt it yet? There's an immense evil behind this door! Even the Ainu here can sense it!

Yoh blinked.  
- Evil? I don't sense any evil?

Ren glanced at Horo.  
- He's high again, isn't he?  
- Yup. - The ice shaman confirmed gloomily.  
- I'm not high! - Yoh exclaimed.  
- If you weren't high, then you would've noticed the door is stained with blood.  
- I saw that. - Yoh said plainly. - But that's not a reason to go back, is it?

Ren and Horo exchanged sad glances, both agreeing that Zen and Ryo's stupidity was becoming contagious.  
- Yoh, when you see a rusty door, heavily locked by a big chain, and a sign saying 'Do not enter', then you **MUST** **NOT** open it! - The Chinese explained in growing anger.  
- It doesn't say 'Do not enter'! It says: 'Don't go through... - Yoh mumbled stubbornly.  
- I KNOW WHAT IS SAYS! I'm telling you not to open the door!  
- What makes you think the sign isn't fake?  
- I sense evil things behind the door!  
- Evil, you say?  
- Yes.  
- More evil than Hao?  
- Yes!  
- More evil than... Anna?  
- Ugh...

Everyone was silent for a few moments. Ren doubted there was a creature in all existence that could pose more threat than an infuriated Anna.  
- Let's go in already! - He babbled out quickly.

Yoh grinned.  
- Okay! - Then he reached out and turned to lock. The door opened with a loud screech.

Everyone's eyes watered when the intense stench of blood and decay crashed against their sinuses.  
- Uuugh! - The girls moaned. Lyserg fainted again.

Yoh oversouled again. In the bright azure light of his Furyoku, he saw the most maddening thing in his life: a corpse. A bloody, skinned, decapitated and dismembered corpse, hanging from the ceiling. He screamed in shock, so did everyone else who saw the dead body.  
- What the hell is that? - Ryu shrieked.

Ren started to sweat.  
- I should've known...

Yoh looked around. Everything was in rusty, crimson colors. It was as if he had suddenly went to hell, but not the hell of darkness and searing flames. It was the twisted hell of flesh, gore and the deranged thoughts of a maniac.

He saw something written with dark red letters on the left wall. He read it:

_Hello, Yoh.  
__I just figured out you're a total dumbass to ignore my warning. For that, you will suffer a more terrible faith than being beaten up by Anna. And by the way, welcome in Silent Hill.  
__Yours  
__**Alessa Gillespie**_

Yoh blinked.  
- I'm not a dumbass!

Horo then yelled out:  
- Where's the door?

Everyone turned around. The door through which they came from had disappeared. There was only a rusty, crimson wall behind them. There was another sign on it:

_Hello, guys.  
__I'm Harry Manson, the protagonist of Silent Hill. I've been in this place before and I have to warn you to get the hell out of here as fast as you can. To exit this dimension get to the other end of the warehouse and kill the beast that guards the door. Once you do that, the door will unlock and you'll be able to leave. Good luck!  
__Yours:  
__**Harry** **Mason**_

Horo blinked in a baffled manner.  
- Silent Hill? Isn't that the survival horror game Konami made in 1999?

Yoh nodded.  
- The same. I played it once; I still have nightmares of those monsters!  
- But how the hell did this Silent Hill place come to live? - The Ainu nearly screamed in the bloody silence around them. - It's just a game, for God's sake!  
- Don't you know the author of this story doesn't give a crap about that fact? - Kanna stated.  
- Nor that 'Silent Hill' doesn't belong to him and is actually making fun of all of us? - Sharona added.

Horo was obviously discouraged.  
- After all, this is a parody. You should expect everything from a wacky story such as this one!

Yoh froze when he saw something moving behind Horo.

- I mean, that kid has to give himself a brake...

Ren also saw the _thing_. It was massive.

- I mean, one thing is making fun of one's favorite Anime, but this...

The creature was a lot bigger than a normal man. It had humanoid form, but that didn't mean it was _human_.  
- So now what should we do? - Horo babbled out at last. Then he noticed that everyone had fixed their eyes at something behind him. He slowly turned around and looked up.

His eyes shrank to slits of horror.

That creature was taller than a human. It had deathly pale skin, stained at some placed with blood. The white rag it wore around its waist was dirty and bloodied. The thing had a huge, dark red, rusty, pyramid-shaped box where its head was supposed to be. There was a HUGE scimitar in its hand.

Yoh shrieked:  
- Horo Horo! **RUN**!!!

The monster swung the scimitar above its head and landed it right at the place where Horo was. The huge blade crashed against the ground, sending splinters and rust clouds in every direction.  
- Horo! - Ren yelled desperately.

The cloud whirled around them. And from the red dust came out the Ainu.  
- Wow! That sure was close! Did you see that? That thing nearly sliced me!!!

Yoh kept staring.  
So did everybody else.  
Ren's lower lip was trembling.  
Milly collapsed and burst out crying in sorrow.  
Ryu swallowed painfully. His throat was dry as a desert due to the terrifying thing that just happened. He uttered in a hoarse voice:  
- Ugh... I can't say the same...

The blade hadn't missed.

Horokeu Usui's ghost gaped in horror at his own shattered body.

* * *

In the meantime, Hao and his loyal servants were walking through the shadowy warehouse, unaware of the mortal danger ahead of them. Hao was too distracted thinking about how Anna dismembers Yoh rather than to notice the evil about this place. 

Ashil uttered in a shaky voice:  
- Hao-sama, I don't like this place.

The Pyromaster shrugged:  
- There's nothing to be afraid, Ashil.

Machi said from behind her boyfriend:  
- Don't you feel that? There's something strange about this building!

Hao said calmly:  
- It's because of the air. No one has entered this place for quite a while.

Even Peyote was nervous about something. For God's sake, the Idiot in his group could feel the demonic energy that flowed through here, and Hao could not!  
- Hao-sama, this place gives me the chickenpox!

Five second silence.  
- You mean 'goosebumps', don't you, Peyote? - Hao inquired casually.

The Mexican nodded abashedly.  
- Eres correcto, Hao-sama.  
- There you go again! - Ashil grumbled. - Didn't I tell you to stop with that expression?  
- That was about ten chapters ago, Ashil.  
- Whatever. - Hao said. - Let's just keep going!

The foursome walked down the corridor. They approached the tunnel through which Yoh and his comrades had gone through only recently. Anna's evil, infuriated presence could still be sensed in the air, but it was a firefly's light compared to the malevolent influence of Silent Hill that awaited them down there.

_End of chapter Thirteen._

* * *

**From the Author**: HORO HORO IS DEAD! What will happen next? Will Yoh and his remaining friends be able to escape from the Silent Hill dimension alive? Will Hao ever find Yoh? And what about Anna and that dark stranger who followed them? Find out more in the next chapter of **'The Legend Lives Once Again'**! R&R please! 


	14. I Still Remember!

**Chapter Fourteen: I Still Remember!**

Everyone gazed at Horo's disembodied spirit in terror. Some were looking at him in fright, other in aghast amazement, others had burst out crying.  
Ren's hands were shaking. They were clutching around his Kwan-Dao.  
Yoh noticed it.  
- Ren...

The Tao rose from the ground, with bloody red eyes and an infuriated roar coming from his mouth:  
- YOU... BASTARD!!!

He swung his weapon and lunged towards Pyramid Head. The creature blocked the deadly strike from the Kwan Dao with its Great Knife, but it was keeping Ren away from him with great efforts. The shaman suddenly leaped towards the creature's head and slashed through the neck. Black blood spurted in every direction, staining Ren's sleeveless shirt. The decapitated beast collapsed on the ground, right next to Horo's remains.

Ren was breathing hard. There was startled silence all around him.

Kanna strode forward and kneeled to look at the Ainu's ruined body.  
- It's sad... - She muttered. - I kinda liked that guy...

Horo's spirit appeared next to her.  
- You really did?

Kanna recoiled.  
- Where'd you come from!?  
- I was right here all that time.  
- So you heard me!?  
- Uh-huh. I'm really flattered.

Everyone gazed at Horo's ghost.

Well, he really was dead now. His corporal form was destroyed forever, but that was unimportant right now, seeing as his essence, in the figure of his soul, was still present. His goofy, yet good-natured personality was still among them, but in a different shape. It was difficult for a shaman to mourn over a dead person, seeing as he can contact him anytime he wanted to.

Horo then looked at Ren.  
- Dude! You chopped that guy's head off!

Ren stood up with an abashed impression.  
- I... well... after all, that thing killed you. I had to avenge you somehow.  
- Thanks, Ren. You're a true pal.

Ren blushed. Horo grinned.

Then Sharona yelled out:  
- If you're done sentimentalizing here, then let's go!!!

They nodded. Yoh pulled out his katana again and oversouled it, and so did everyone else.

Carefully, they strode forward, venturing deeper and deeper into the impenetrable darkness of the abyss that was Silent Hill...

- AGH! Ryu! You stepped on my foot!  
- Sorry, Milly! I can't see a damn thing in this dark!

...With every passing step, the feeling of impending doom was growing stronger inside them...

- Guys, do you think there's a bathroom around here?  
- I doubt that! Just don't tell me you gotta go now!?  
- I'm afraid nature's calling me.  
- You have to go and have a crap HERE!? Right NOW!? Unbelievable!!!  
- All this excitement has gotten on my nerves!  
- As always, Dana incredibly amazes me!

...They would walk blindly into the hell of Silent Hill, unaware of the demonic evil that lurked among the blood-stained shadows...

- Lilly, there's something on your shoulder.  
- HUH! Get it off me! GET IT OFF ME!!!  
- Chill out! It's just a spider!  
- Spider?... Oh. Just a spider... nothing to worry about.

...And they were being watched...

- Why do I have the feeling we're being watched?  
- Maybe because the narrator just said that a moment ago?  
- Oh. Good point, Kanna, my dear.  
- Just keep your eyes opened. There are far more dangerous things here than that narrator of ours.  
- Roger!

* * *

Hao stopped.  
He looked at the wall in front of him.  
He was bothered that this wall wasn't supposed to be here.

- It's a dead end, Hao-sama. - Ashil pointed out behind him.

Hao glanced at him underling coolly.  
- I **know**, Ashil. Trust me.

Peyote blinked.  
- There's something written on it!

Hao diverted his gaze back on the wall. It was true. There was a text on it that wasn't there a moment ago. It was saying in large, white letters:

_Hello, Hao.  
__Your twin has entered the abyss of Silent Hill. I closed the passage because I know you're not as stupid as your lesser half. However, your trial will be different. You need not go through Silent Hill. There is a greater threat in your own dimension, and is coming after you. Well, to be precise, it is right behind you as you are reading this text.  
__Have fun surviving its wrath!_

_Love  
__**Alessa** **Gillespie**_

Hao's eyes shot open.  
His minions suddenly looked back.  
There was a figure clad in black standing in front of them. Its face was hooded.  
The apparition said in an eerie voice:

**_- I still remember what you did last summer... Asakura Hao!!!_**

Hao's jaw dropped.

* * *

**From the Author:** Let me tell you that I don't own 'I Remember what you did last summer', nor the sequel. 'Shaman King' and 'Silent Hill' are also not mine, so don't sue me!!! This was made for your entertainment and mine as well. 


	15. Scary Places, Ambushes and Scandals

**Chapter Fifteen: Scary Places, Ambushes and Scandals**

**From the Author:** I know that Hao is really OOC, but I can't help making fun of him. (snickers evilly) I own neither him, nor SK.

* * *

For some reason most people allow fear and helplessness to overtake them in the most terrifying situations instead to valiantly preserve their composure and face the peril with a cool, perceptive eye. Mortals forget about their advantages and skills in critical circumstances and choose to run away for their lives. They rarely remain calm and fight, resolute to either win or die.

It was the same situation with Hao and his minions. The appearance of a guy with a black hood and a nasty-looking hook in his hand resulted in a terrified Hao, Ashil, Machi and a half-drunken, half-stoned Peyote screaming like little girls. So instead of bringing out their Oversouls and tear the opponent to pieces with their combined powers, they chose to flee, separate and hide in the darkness, unaware they were just making things easier for their pursuer. With other words, the madman was just gonna hunt them down and kill them one by one and there was almost NOTHING they could do about it.

Hao dashed through a dark corridor and turned left. He was sweating intensely. _(You would be sweating too if there was a maniac with a hook in his hand chasing you, right?)_ He sprung over an empty crate and hid under a box of Chio Chips. He was cowering like that for the first time in his life.

- Who the hell was that? - He hissed to himself and glanced under the box. - What does he want from me!?

Slow footsteps came from the corridor.  
Someone was coming.

Hao's eyes went wide and he hid his head under the box.  
- Shit! He's coming! - He murmured.

The steps suddenly stopped.  
Hao was about to lose his mind out of fright.

- What happened? - The pyromaster muttered again. - He was just right there...

A hook suddenly pierced the floor, only an inch away from Hao's face. The shaman shrieked and leaped out of his hiding place. The black figure was standing right in front of him.

**_- I can hear you talking to yourself, you asshole._** - The creature spoke in an eerie voice.

Hao let out an 'Eeeeek!' and rushed right pass the terrifying man. The hook flew pass his left ear, nearly cutting it off.  
Hao jumped out of the shadowy room and rushed down the corridor, his mind completely overtaken by fear.

* * *

The black hooded guy walked out of the room, completely indifferent to his prey getting away. He paced in the direction Hao rushed in, just like every ordinary serial killer from a horror movie, going after his victim.

Unlike his master, Ashil chose to remain soundless and hide.

He had melted with the shadows.  
It was impossible to be seen while hiding there.  
But he could see everything.

Now he was the killer, waiting in the shadows, and the killer - the unsuspecting victim.

He heard someone running. Of course, that couldn't have been the killer, as everyone knew serials killer don't dash through buildings. Ashil recognized Hao's voice, shrieking something that sounded like **'WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!?'**

Ashil waited for Hao to rush inside the dark room. Night had already covered the building in darkness, giving the room that creepy effect of the unknown, like in all other horror movies. Hao was far too frightened to turn on the lights _(Of course, if there **WERE** any lights in the room, as this is just another cliché of the conspiratorial horror movie scenarists to leave the protagonists wander around in the darkness helplessly)_, let alone to notice that Ashil was hiding behind him.

The boy looked at Hao and was about to call him when he decided he shouldn't. He just stood in his corner, waiting for the pursuer to come.

- Hide! Gotta hide somewhere! - Hao babbled out breathlessly. He turned his head left and right. There were piles of empty crates, boxes, cases and other junk, scattered all over the room. Hao squatted and crawled under a wooden crate.

Ashil listened to the footsteps, coming from the corridor. The killer was coming, and Ashil was ready for him!

The boy fished under his shirt and pulled out a knife...

* * *

Machi kept running and running. It wasn't easy. Some idiot had blocked her way with piles of books, chairs, broken tables, crumbled shelves, a hundred sack of potatoes, twenty chickens and three angry roosters, five sheep who glared at her furiously when she jumped over them and tried to bite her leg off and a cow on white and brown spots that was grazing some grass lazily. When she ran through an enormous pile of eggs, she came out as a slimy, glittering comet of yolk and glair. The girl suspected that the madman who was writing this story was abusing his author's rights and was on the edge of ending up in prison for making fun of her and Hao-sama. She certainly hoped that the beast would get what he deserved.

What she didn't know was that her fate was at the writer's hands now. He could either choose to let her life or end her life by the merest touch of the button on his keyboard. He was an evil man indeed. A psychically unstable man with a twisted sense of humor, but he was still the author of this story, so there was nothing else to do but do what she was written to do.

Machi burst through a dusty old door, entering the room where her precious Hao-sama was hiding. She understood three things:

She was not alone.  
Her master was in grave danger.  
There was someone hiding in the shadows.  
And he had a knife.

Okay, she understood four things, but that's not important!

She gazed at the long-haired Asakura. Then she saw the figure moving. He raised the hand with the knife and stepped forward...  
**- HAO-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!** - Machi screamed and lunged forward.

The waylaying guy turned around to face the redhead, shooting right towards him, with eyes, widening in shock. After all, a girl, armed with a broom and explosive temper, screaming fiercely at you while charging in your direction would definitely scare the crap out of you.

Machi knocked the assailant down and started pummeling him with her fists, and periodically jabbing and smacking him with her broom, while screaming **'Die die die die die die die dieeeeeee!!!!!!!'**

Hao-sama snapped out of his baffled state and glared at the girl. He said:

- Machi...  
- **...Die! Die! Die! Die!...  
**- Maaaaachiiiii...  
**- ...Die! Die! Die! Die!...  
**- MACHI!  
- Yes?  
- That's Ashil.

The girl's expression was equal to two question marks and one exclamation mark. She cocked eyebrows and looked at the boy between her legs. A second later she leaped back in fright. Her expression was now equal to the abbreviation 'WTF' and four exclamation marks.

- Oh My God! Ashil! - She fell on her knees and hugged the boy tightly. Ashil groaned in pain. - I'm soooo sorry! Please, Ashil, don't be mad! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

The boy gurgled out:  
- Machi... I can't... breathe!

The girl released him from her grip and placed him carefully on the ground. It took a minute for the boy to catch up his breath and feel his limbs once again. Then he hissed:

- Why did you attack me!?

Machi scowled at him:  
- You were gonna attack Hao-sama!

Ashil frowned even more frighteningly.  
- I wasn't gonna attack him, pumpkinhead! I was waiting for the guy coming this way!

Hao's face twitched in terror when he heard footsteps. Behind him Machi turned red.  
- You jerk! How dare you call me pumpkinhead! That's it! This is the end of our relationship!  
- WHAT!? You are breaking up with me!?  
- YES! I can't stand it anymore! All you do is calling me names!  
- That's not right! I've never insulted you before!

Machi was about to burst out in tears.  
- You just did, you selfish bastard!  
- Why the hell are you yelling at me!? You nearly beat me to death! I'm the one who has to be bitchin'!  
- I said I was sorry! But now I see I was wrong to be with you from the very beginning!

Hao was hesitant now. Should he tell them that the maniac in black was coming this way, or he should stay back and watch the family scandal escalate to the point of the two killing each other?

- You can't break up with me just for that!  
- Yes I can, and I'll do it!  
- You're dumping me in a place like that?!  
- YES!  
- Why you...

As much as it seems impossible, a hook broke through the stone wall. The whole wall crumbled seconds later, revealing a guy, clad in a black raincoat.

Hao frowned and stated skeptically:  
- Maybe you should've used the door.

The scary thing rose the hook and lunged at Hao. The couple forgot about their scandal and sprung forward to protect their master. The bad guy swiped with the hook through the air, nearly cleaving off Ashil's nose. Just then, Machi's broom smacked the villain out of the room and into a pile of empty crates.

The trio rushed in the other room to find a mess of broken crates and wooden splinters. However, the bad guy had disappeared.  
- What!? - Hao yelled. - Where he go!?

Just then, they heard a withering scream, coming from the other room.

* * *

**From the Author:** At last! End of chapter Fifteen! Please, people, Read and Review! I'm desperate for readers! 


	16. Who The Hell Is This Guy

**Chapter Sixteen: Who The Hell Is This Guy**

Anna-sama, the embodiment of evil and tyranny, gripped at Peyote's neck and lifted the hapless little Mexican in the air.  
- WHERE IS HE!? - She roared like a beast from the depths of Hell.

Peyote was struggling to break free from the creature's mighty clutches. His eyes were full of fear.  
- I... don't... know! - He gurgled out in pain. He could barely breathe now, as Anna's iron grip around his neck was tightening.  
- LIAR!!! - She roared again. - YOU KNOW!!! TELL ME NOW!

Peyote burst out in tears:  
- I don't know! - He cried out. - I swear it! I don't know! Please, spare my miserable life! All I want to do is smoke weed and live a peaceful life!

Just then, Hao and his followers ran in the room and saw the Chilean's misfortune. Hao yelled:  
- Anna! Drop him!

The girl glared at Hao. He immediately stepped back due to the burning power of her gaze.  
- Hao! - She grumbled and dropped Peyote, who tumbled on the ground unconscious. She stalked towards him like a wild predator. - WHERE... IS... YOH!?

Hao stepped back in fright.

- I CAN'T SMELL HIS BLOOD! - She growled out furiously. - WHERE IS HE HIDING!? DON'T LIE TO ME HAO!!! **YOU KNOW!!!**

Hao watched as Anna grew more feral with the second. Ashil neared his face and whispered worriedly:  
- Hao-sama, use your Oversoul! We won't make it out alive if we just stand like that!

Hao blinked confusedly, then nodded. He recovered his spirits and shot out:  
- You will not stand in my way, Anna!

He rose a hand above his head. His shriek echoed throughout the building:

- **_Spirit Of Cactus!..._**

Crimson wind whirled around him ominously. Machi and Ashil backed away from his magnificent power. The foul fiend known as Anna Kyoyama stumbled backwards. The force wrapped itself upon Hao's palm and into the form of...

...a tiny cactus with ridiculously long prickles. It had a small sombrero and a bandage, tied around where its neck should be.

Ashil went bug-eyed:  
- **THAT** is the Spirit of Cactus?!

Hao gawked at SOC. Black holes formed where its eyes should be. They gazed at Anna mischievously.

- OMG! WTF!? - Machi shot out while pointing at SOC.

Peyote rose on his knees and gabbled out:  
- It's Pancho! **HE IS ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!**

The spirit of the fallen cactus waved a hand at the Mexican. Peyote blacked out happily.  
Anna's eyes narrowed evilly and she hissed:  
- YOU FOOL! Do you think you can beat me with this little thing!?

She stretched her fingers and HUGE claws popped out where her normal nails should be.

Everyone in the room went bug-eyed:  
- Jesus Christ! - Machi was terrified. - Don't you think this is getting a bit out of hand!?

Anna lunged towards Hao with a banshee scream.

Hao panicked:  
- Peyote! How do you use this thing!?

The Mexican groaned:  
- You Oversoul it in the glove!

Hao grinned like a little kid. He Oversouled the SOC in his red Lego glove and shot out a big pickle...Ugh, I mean _prickle_ at Anna. The demonic child suddenly stopped.  
- No! - She yelled and backed away.

Machi noticed Anna's fear. She said enthusiastically:  
- Hao-sama! Keep doing that! She is afraid of the prickles!

Anan glared at the girl.  
- No, bitch! I'm allergic to cactuses!

Ashil's jaw dropped.  
- SINCE WHEN IS ANNA KYOYAMA ALERGIC TO ANYTHING!?  
- That girl is getting more OOC with every new chapter. - Peyote concluded from the ground happily.  
- Aren't you supposed to be passed out!? - Ashil grumbled.  
- Eres correcto, Ashil-kun!  
- NOT AGAIN!!!

Hao focused another prickle at Anna. She evaded the projectile with a furious growl and lunged towards Hao again.  
- Hao-samaaaaa! - Machi screamed.

Then a light erupted and her Oversoul grew all shiny...  
..._Pumpkinmon changeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss_...

Machi went bug-eyed, then exclaimed:  
- STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! THIS IS NOT DIGIMON FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Ashil sighed:  
- Let's sue the author once this fic is over! He has broken the fourth wall for the last time!

Then all three of them lunged at Anna with their Oversouls brought out and smacked the vile bitch in the wall. The evil creature let out a dying howl and dissipated into black dust and smoke, while screaming "I WILL RETURN!"

The foursome... NO, not _THAT_ kind of foursome!... stood in the room dumbfoundedly.

- Did Anna just dissipate into nothingness? - Machi spoke after a long silence.  
- She dissipated into black dust and smoke. I think the Author made himself clear enough for you to understand. - Hao said nonchalantly and cocked his eyebrows.  
- Was Anna a demon? - Ashil spoke.  
- When I said she had Shikigami blood in her veins... I wasn't kidding! - Peyote stated and rose on his feet.

Just then, they all heard an unfamiliar eerie voice talking to them:  
- **_She wasn't the real Anna. She was one of them, sent in this dimension to annihilate you._**

They all turned to see the black cloak standing right in front of them, his hook still pointing out from his sleeve.  
- **_The monstrosities of Silent Hill are trying to enter this world. And you and your brother are the only ones capable of stopping them._**

Hao frowned and said:  
- What are you talking about?

The man under the hood blinked.  
- **_Excuse me?  
_**- No, seriously. What are you talking about?  
- _**I was talking about the monstrosities of...**_  
- Are you a retard or something?  
- _**Why are you asking?  
**_- First you try to kill us, then you come in here and lecture us about this Silent Hill thing!  
- **_Oh, yeah! I was going to kill you! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!_**

Just then, as everyone else cowered in fear, Peyote put his finger in his nose and pulled out a nasty-looking bugger, then tossed it aside. He inquired angrily:  
- And just who the hell is this guy!?

* * *

And in the meantime, Faust VIII, Tamao, the ZenRyo and Nyorai were walking towards the abandoned warehouse.  
- Yo, Tam! - Zen shot out in a stoned manner: - Are ya sure da masta is here?

The girl babbled out:  
- Oh, yes, pretty sure!...

- I be gonna faint any time now mon! - Ryo gurgled and staggered forward, almost collapsing on the cobbled street.

Faust muttered worriedly in a strong German accent:  
- Oh mein Gott! I shouldn't hav let you take such a big doze of Morphine.

- It's alright, bro! - Zen said cheerfully. - At least we'll find Yoh.  
- Yo! - Zen shouted like a maniac in the middle of the night. - Yo! Yoh! Haha! Hey, Yoooooooooooooooooooh! Hahahaha! WHERE ARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!?

Everyone gazed at him in a 'WTF' manner.

- I was just looking for him, that's all.

- Le uz vorget about tzis and prozseed vorward, shall vee? Also los! - Faust said again, this time his German more noticeable.

* * *

**Notes from the Author:** I hope you like this chapter. I am trying to make it as funny as I can. BTW, I don't own Digimon. As always, I'll appreciate if you Read and Review this chapter, as well as any other from this story!

**Translations:**

_Oh_ _mein_ _Gott_! - Oh my God!  
_Also_ _los!_ - Let's go!


	17. Hanagumi Reunion

**Chapter Seventeen: Hanagumi Reunion**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King, Silent Hill, Scooby Doo, Eddie Murphy, Mel Gibson, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Jackson.

* * *

Kanna was now absolutely sure she would never make it out of this hell alive.

They had already fought their way through... umm, let's see... 23 Lying Figures, 16 Closers, 54 Numb Bodies, 93 Bubblehead Nurses, 38 Insane Cancers, 10 Gum Heads, 32 Pendulums and 1 Mannequin. Kanna was sad that they've faced only one Mannequin so far. They seemed the easiest monsters to kill around here. And to top it all up, it seems they've been walking around in circles.

She fixed nervously Horo's bloody remains for the five-hundredth time. The Ainu's spirit approached them and said melancholically:  
- I already miss that pile of scrap.

Ren scowled. It didn't take long for the Tao to recover from Horo's demise.  
- You used to bother me at every turn in that 'pile of scrap'. NOW you bother me at every turn in that more-convenient ghost form!

Horo cracked in a grin:  
- Flying through walls rules!!! - He yelled out in the darkness all around them.

Suddenly a fat guy with blond hair, a baseball hat and a small boy's clothes walked out of a rusty door and screamed out furiously:  
- ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME!?  
Kanna glared at the guy. She roared:  
- NO, YOU FUCKING RETARD! WE ARE NOT MAKJING FUN OF YOU!!!

The guy raised a magnum and screamed again:  
- JUST AS I THOUGHT! YOU **_ARE_** MAKING FUN OF ME!!!

He shot once with his huge gun and nearly hit Kanna in the head. She glared at him with furious bloodshot eyes.  
- WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, YOU FUCKIN FATASS!? - She shouted at him. - YOU NEARLY BLEW MY HEAD OFF!

He flipped her off.  
- Don't fuck with me, bitch! NO ONE FUCKS WITH EDDIE DOMBROWSKI ANYMORE!

He reloaded his gun, but by the time he could shoot again he was sliced through the waist by Ryu's sword.  
- What a pitiful guy. - He said as the fat man's remains splattered on the ground. - Who was he anyway?

Then a huge creature that resembled a boiled man with reddish-brown skin and sharp fins came out of nowhere and screamed out:  
- Death to all who turn their backs on God!!!

Long silence. Then:  
- What the hell are you!? A catholic? - Yoh asked.  
- No, I'm a former priest from an evil pagan cult who worships a demon god, degenerated into a monster by his own misguided daughter. - The creature answered.  
- Oh. Are you gonna kill us?  
- Sure.  
- I'd like to see you try!

The creature tried to decapitate Yoh but was quickly slain by Ashcroft's large lance. Then a nasty-looking reddish girl with rust and blood all over it walked out from Yoh's behind (I mean it walked behind Yoh, NOT that it came out of Yoh's ass!). She pulled out a knife and tried to stab Yoh, but Ren cut her head off with his Kwan Dao. The thing collapsed and disappeared in a crimson fog. Then it appeared again with a handgun in its hand.

- WTF!? - Horo's ghost yelped.

Sharona shot a pink bolt of Furyoku and killed it. The girl popped out, this time with a steel pipe.

- WHAT!? It's still alive!? - Ryu screamed. Then he chopped her head off and the girl fell down and disappeared again. Three seconds later the damn bitch showed again, this time with a submachine gun. She shot Ryu twice in the shoulder and he collapsed on the ground with one loud scream. Then a pendulum suddenly shot out through the air and pierced the cursed girl in the heart. She burst into bloody sand and died at last. Lyserg stepped forward heroically. Milly ran by Ryu's side and helped him stand up.

- It's alright, Milly. - He groaned.

Yoh gawked at the spot where the girl stood. He babbled out:  
- What the hell was that!?  
- Have you played 'Silent Hill' before? - Lyserg asked.  
- No. Why?  
- Those were some of the final bosses.  
- So you've played it? I thought only brainless maniacs play Konami's horror games.

Lyserg laughed out like a retard.  
- But I am a brainless maniac! Silent Hill made me one!  
- OMG! - Ryu gasped at the sight of his brainwashed friend. Lyserg kept laughing like a retard for half an hour till he was knocked out by Kanna's fist.  
- Damn British retard! I hate him! I hate Britain!

There was dumbfounded silence around her.  
- WHAT!? Everyone knows that I hate Britain!

* * *

In the meantime Hao and his groups were once again running for their lives through the dark corridors of the warehouse.

- Why are we running? - Peyote asked.  
- Cuz there is a maniac with a hook chasing us! - Hao yelled.  
- Oh. Alright then.

They all ran into a dead end. Literally. Hao was the first one to collide against the wall, followed by Ashil, Machi and Peyote right in his back. Hao let out a painful 'OH, SHIT!' and collapsed.

- **_I have you now!_** - The hooded guy shouted. - **_Your ass is mine, Asakura Hao!!!_**

Hao burst out crying:  
- No! Please! I'm too beautiful to die!

The murderer raised his weapon in the air...  
...and Machi's leg suddenly shot against the guy's groins.  
Everyone gawked at the guy. He just stood there, petrified for ten seconds. Then he said:

- I suppose you expected me to collapse after this blow in the groins?

Machi goggled at him when she came to a sudden realization:  
- Wait a second! YOU'RE A GIRL!

The hood nodded.  
- **_Yes, I am. But that doesn't stop me to make that deep, eerie voice. PREPARE TO DIE, ASAKU..._**

She crumbled on the ground when Peyote smacked her with his guitar. He grinned proudly and helped his master stand up.  
- Why didn't you that in the first place!? - Everyone insisted.  
- Because there would have been nothing to do in the following three chapters.

The girl in black rose up again.  
- WHAT!? YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!? - Hao shrieked.  
- **_You didn't think that a simple hit with a guitar on the head will neutralize me?  
_**- Actually that's what I thought. - Hao murmured.  
- You're right! - Peyote concluded. - A single hit with a guitar on the head won't do the job.

He raised the guitar again.  
- TEN HITS ON THE HEAD WILL!!!

And with that said, he started clouting the girl with the guitar again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again till she fell on the ground again.

- IS THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU!? - Peyote roared.

She stood up again.  
- **_Nope.  
_**- OMG!? WTF!? What the hell is your hade made of!?  
- **_Titanium._**

Peyote hit her on the head one last time and his guitar broke. He looked at his broken instrument (I mean the guitar) and said sadly:  
- That was gift from my grandmother! I've had this guitar since I was six!  
- **_It doesn't matter anymore, as you will all die in here! PREPARE TO DIE, ASAKU..._**

SMACK! Machi hit her with the broom on the head and the girl collapsed. She yelled furiously:  
- **_Will you stop interrupting me and let me finish already!?_**

Machi kicked the hook out of her hand.  
- The jig is up, bitch! - She stated and pointed triumphantly at the murderess.  
- **_Wasn't that corny?_** - The other girl said sarcastically and stood again. - **_Hopefully, I've got some more tricks in my sleeve!_**

She pulled a large machete out of her sleeve.  
- OMG!? How long hace you been keeping that in your sleeve!?  
- **_Since chapter thirteen began._**

Machi and the girl fought for... let's see, three minutes, and Machi disarmed the girl with a blow on the hand.  
- AAAGH! You bitch! You ruined my manicure! That's it! Now you're all done for!

The black-clad girl pulled out a submachine gun out of her sleeve.  
- OMG! You have a submachine gun too!? - Machi exclaimed.  
- Don't get overexcited! You haven't seen the bazooka and the tank yet! By the way, stop saying 'OMG' all the time, it's really annoying.

Machi and the girl fought... again, till the girl ran out of ammo and had to shoot Machi with the bazooka, but Machi was too fast and she missed again and again and... you know what happens, she runs out of ammo, but it happens she had forgotten her mini-tank at home.

-_** Crap! I forgot my mini-tank at home.**_

Everyone rolls eyes, including the author and the current readers.  
- _**I'll have to use my last weapon to kill you!**_

And she pulled out a ragged doll with one eye and two magnums in its hands.  
_**- This is how you die, Asakura Hao! I will have revenge!!!**_

Hao yelled in annoyance:

- Will you drop the dramatism and shoot me already!?

- _**Of course I can't. I gotta make this speech as long as possible, giving Machi enough time to sneak behind me and smack me with UGH!!!**_

She collapsed on the floor for... let's see... the fourth time, but this time for good.

Hao frowned.  
- It's about time you do that.  
- I've been doing this for half an hour, God damn it! All you did was whine about shit like a little bitch, so STFU and help me tie her up!

Ashil took ropes out of nowhere (people always do that. After all, they need to tie the villain up with something.) and tied the girl to a chair. I have no idea where that chair came from, I'm just typing to get the story going.

- Now let's see who our pursuer really is! - Hao said in a 'Fred' from 'Scooby Doo' manner. He pulled the hook off her face and revealed...

- Chocolove!? - Everyone gasped.  
- No, it can't be! - Machi said and pulled off the mask, revealing...

- Kanna!? - Everyone gasped again.  
- But right now she's with Yoh in Silent Hill!

They pulled out this mask, too...  
- Manta!?  
- No, way! This guy's far too tall to be Manta!

They discarded the pursuer from another mask...  
- Michael Jackson!?  
- Stay back! - Ashil screamed and backed away.  
- Don't be stupid...

They pulled out this mask, too...  
- Arnold Schwarzenegger!?  
- For God's sake! Can this get any weirder!? - Ashil asked in annoyance.

...And another mask...  
- Mel Gibson!?

...And another...  
- Eddie Murphy!?  
Everyone fell over.

...And finally...

- Marion!?

The girl glared at them.  
Hao sighed and said:

- I should've known something like this might happen.

Everyone looked at him:  
- Why's that, Hao-sama? - Ashil asked.  
- Well, last summer me and Marion... well, we got drunk at a party and I slept with her.

Machi goggled at Hao.  
- You WHAT!?

- I slept with her. - He repeated calmly. - The next morning I woke up and saw her next to me. I sneaked out of bed and pretended that it never happened between us. She blamed me for all of it and it seems she wanted to get revenge.

Mari hissed out angrily:  
- I was so close! And I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling kids, especially that Mexican stoner with the guitar!  
- Hey! That was my favorite guitar, you bitch! - Peyote pouted.

Machi untied Marion and pulled her in a hug. She exclaimed:  
- Who cares about that anymore! At least we're together now! Right, girlfriend!?

Mari nodded a bit reluctantly.  
- Wait!? You're just gonna let her hang around with us after all she did!? - Hao exclaimed.  
- Yup. I see nothing wrong with it.

Hao was about to say how stupid Machi was when suddenly a wall crumbled and Kanna marched through it, followed closely by Ashcroft.

- Yoh-sama! - She yelled to the people on the other side. Red light and the stench of blood was coming from the hole. - I've found the exit! I've also found someone who might want to meet you!

* * *

**From the Author:** Wow! That was the longest chapter ever! I hope you guys are enjoying my story, as I am doing the best I can to make it really funny! Let me say that I don't own Shaman King, Silent Hill, Scooby Doo or the three celebrities mentioned. No offence meant, guys.

**To all the readers:** Please review this chapter:D


	18. Dr Faust Is Really Evil

**Chapter Eighteen: Dr. Faust Is Really Evil**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King or Silent Hill, and I sincerely hope that I will not be lynched by a crowd of angry Germans for making fun of Faust.  
**NOTE:** Nothing in this story is meant to hurt any ethnic groups, especially British, German, French, Japanese and Chinese.

* * *

Faust and Tamao looked around. There was nothing in sight.  
- Did you zee him, Tamao? - The German doctor asked with his super-annoying accent. 

Tamao's eyebrow twitched in a nervous tic and grumbled:  
- I didn't see him either.

It was true that listening to a foreigner's really bad accent was something which could be described as extremely vexing. Faust's accent was bad enough to drive Tamao from her customary shy mood to an unnatural frenzied state where she would scream things like: 'SHUT THE HELL UP YOU FUCKIN GERMAN!' Yup, kiddies, speaking broken English and mispronunciating is very bad for the mental health of the people around you.

Tamao listened. Some idiots were singing something in a drunk manner not far away from here.

- Some idiots are singing in a drunk manner not far away from here. - She stated.  
- You vorgot to zay 'zomething'. - Faust noted with cocked eyebrows.  
- I meant to drop 'something' out of the sentence.  
- Why'z tzat?  
- Because it would sounds exactly like that sentence above!  
- What zentense?

An angry mark popped on her temple.  
- The sentence where the Author said: 'Some idiots were singing something in a drunk manner not far away from here.' !!

Faust waved a hand.  
- Oh, pleaze! Don't listen to tzat r_h_etarded doodle_h_r. - Faust blabbled out in a snobbish manner. He was reaching a whole new level of OOC-ness and vexation right now. - He'z p_h_robably jacking off in f_h_ront of a Playboy magazine r_h_ight now.

Tamao was about to interject that Faust had broken the Fourth Wall and that was getting on her nerves when Zen and Ryo barged in the room, holding a huge sack in their hands.

- LOOK WHAT WE FOUND! - They screamed out in stoned joy and dumped something bloody, fleshy, Horo-Horoey and extremely deady looking. Tamao screamed in shock and fainted. Faust screamed like a little girl and fainted, too. Ryo and Zen screamed and fainted as well, just because everyone else did the same.

Five minutes later Tamao woke up. She opened her eyes slightly and beheld the gore, which was Horo's body.

- **EEEEEEEEEEeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!** - She screamed and ran out of the room, just to run into the nearest wall, shrouded in impenetrable darkness. Faust woke up from her screams and looked around. A minute later he groped his way to Tamao.

- Faust! Get your hands off my ass! - She shrieked in terror of being groped by the German pedophile.

- I waz juzt checking your pulz, my d_z_ear. - He explained in a way which could make every normal man in the room shudder in horror. The pink-haired girl was thankful enough that Faust wasn't on drugs right now, else she would've found herself with _something_ hot and hard poking against her butt through her panties.  
...  
No, NOTHING like that's gonna happen! Not in this fic! If you are searching for Tamao X Faust lemons, press BACK and search through the section... though I doubt that you'll find anything, seeing as EVERYONE is too busy writing HoroXRen and YohXHao yaoi stories. What the hell is going on with this world!?

Tamao felt Faust massaging her...posterior parts with his palm. Her face turned pale, though she enjoyed the feeling.

- FAUST!!! - She shrieked again.  
- Yez, my d_z_ear?  
- STOP IT!!!  
- But I waz juzt about to zlide your trouzers off...  
- You can't do this, Faust! - She argued in panic. - This is not a M-rated fic!!

He froze. A split-second later his hand shot back to his body, as if there was electricity running through Tamao's bottom.  
- T_h_zis is NOT a M-Rated ztor_h_y!? - He shot out in fright. His pace was paler than ever. - T_h_zis iz not a lemon!?

- NO! It's not!! - The girl squeaked out at last.

Faust looked scared out of his mind. His nerves were about to collapse and sent him in the final state of ultimate panic when Zen and Ryo, apparently alive and feeling well, despite the shock they've just had, entered the room cheerfully, humming a happy song about Teletubbies. Yes, kids, pot can do this to your mind. Don't do drugs, else you'll become idiots like Zen and Ryo.

- There is a corpse in the other room! - The idiot with the sunglasses said.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

- Ugh... which idiot? Both of them have sunglasses! - The Reader asked dubiously.  
- Sigh The one in black and Christian-looking one. - I, _TheArchon_, said.  
Five second silence...  
- Which is?...  
- RYO!!! - I screamed. It seemed the very mentioning of Zen and Ryo in my stories is turning my good fellow readers into retards.  
Now, back to the story!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Tamao gazed at them in shock.  
- I know about it, you idiots! You brought it there!!!

The two retarded guitarists looked really...dumb.  
- Us? - Zen asked, pointing at himself.  
- YES!!! - Faust and Tamao screeched.

The ZenRyo obviously remembered what the girl was talking about.  
- Oh, yes! The corpse! Ugh...we found it lying a few rooms across of here. - Zen explained.  
- It was in a bloody, rusty room, and the air in there was really heavy. - Ryo eludicated.  
- And it had the number '302' on its door. - Zen finished and grinned goofily.

Of course, this was the moment when all Silent Hill fans would frown, roll their eyes and sigh, thinking how extremely retarded this story, along with its characters, who were now acting _really_ Out Of Character, really was.

Tamao shuddered. Well, she shuddered almost all of the time, but this time in sincere, uncontrollable fear. Her face turned pale again.

- R...R...R-r-r-r-r-r-r...rrrrrrrroomm-m-m-m... T-t-t-tttthree hhhhhh-h-h-hundrr-r-red and t-t-t-ttttttwo!?!?!? - She stuttered out.

ZenRyo grinned like five-year-olds who have just found a dead squirrel and were now trying to terrify their mom with it.

- YES! - They screamed in joy at last. Then they started dancing the _**'Dance of the Idiot'**_, which is something that should be censored at all costs.

**QUICKLY, KIDS! COVER YOUR EYES IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIVES!!!!**

One minute later the _**'Dance of the Idiot'**_ was over, and the other two sane, or more sane people in the room, blinked. Tamao's face had reached the limit of her paleness. She was going to become transparent any moment now.

- YOU IDIOTZ!!! - Faust VIII shrieked when he recovered from his second shock. - IHR SEID SCHEISEKÖPFE! _(You are shitheads!)_ Do you know vhat tzhat rhoom waz!?

- It's The Room! - Tamao exclaimed.

(Well... _+cock my eyebrows+_ It seems everyone in the SK universe has played Silent Hill. Good job, Konami! _+T-up+_ Your game has spread out to the farthest corners of the universe!)

Zen and Ryo leered at Tamao.

- And what the hell is wrong with the room? - Ryo asked.  
- It's just a room, for Christ's sake! - Zen added.  
- Yeah, a bit bloody, rusty, creepy and haunted-looking... - Ryo murmured.  
- ...I think I saw a dead cat in the fridge... - Zen looked aside.  
- ...and there was some dead guy sticking half-way from the wall... - Ryo brooded over for a second.  
- ...But it's still a room! - Zen finished with the triumphant expression of an idiot whose sense of logic is equal to a negative number.

Tamao and Faust kept looking at them for a few seconds. Then a sound behind the ZenRyo made them divert their gaze. The two of them gasped.

A tall man in a dark-blue trench coat, blood-stained hands, shoulder-length blond hair and greenish eyes was standing behind them with a steel pipe in one hand and a handgun in the other. Yes, all of you Silent Hill fans, it's Walter Sullivan, the main antagonist from Silent Hill 4: The Room!

The ZenRyo turned around to see the man. They screamed like little girls and recoiled.

- AAAAAAGH!!! Who are you!?!!? - Everyone screamed.

Walter fixed them with bleared eyes.  
- I am Walter Sullivan. - He said calmly. - I must complete the 21 Sacraments!

Everyone's eyes went bug eyed.

- MUST...KILL...PEOPLE! MUST...REVIVE...MOTHER!!! - Walter roared and lunged towards them.

Tamao was scared out of her shit.  
- That guy is insane!!! - She screamed at the top of her lungs.

* * *

From the Author: Ahahahahaaaa! I'm leaving you at a cliff-hanging position! xD Will everyone die at Walter's hands? Will Hao ever get his vengeance on Yoh? And just what the hell happened to Anna, everyone's favorite Ice Queen? Find out more in the next chapter of... _'The Legend Live One Again'_ !!!!!  
R&R when you're done reading this!  
**NOTE:** I'm not entirely sure if that sentence in German was correct. 


	19. Room 302 Sucks

Chapter Nineteen: Room 302 Sucks

**Disclaimer:** I don't own SK, LotR, Beave Heart (Mel Gibson), Godzilla, DotA (Defense of the Ancients) and SH!

* * *

While Walter was preparing to slaughter our stoned, pedophiliac and slightly drunk secondary characters, let us return to the REAL Heroes of our story, which are in our case: the _'almighty' _Asakura Hao, who was currently shuddering under a stool and whining like a little girl, and his brave and honorable lesser half and twin brother, Asakura Yoh, who was valiantly fighting the demons and monstrosities of Silent Hill with two swords drawn.

- KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! - Yoh shrieked like a ninja and killed with a single slash 10 Numb Bodies and 3 Demon Patients. Hell, don't ask how he did it; what matters it that he _did_ it!

He crushed the final monster with his sandal and stood in a heroic pose over the wretched creature.

- I RULE!!!! - He screamed in triumph and the gigantic crowd of Yoh-fans roared like wild. Some chicks even tried to break through the monitor of their computers and go in the SK universe, but I, TheArchon, the mighty overseer and protector of this story, stepped forward and drove the fans back, just in time before they tore Yoh apart.

- Thanks, TheArchon! - He said with a grin and waved a hand.  
- You're welcome! - TheArchon nodded and disappeared in pretty lights and impressive (and very expensive) special effects.

Yoh stepped back, still in a heroic manner (Medieval heroic music playing right now, probably something from Lord of the Rings) and gazed at his group of surviving comrades. Lily was killed and devoured by a Closer (don't be surprised; it is a legendary cliché for the nerdy-looking teens to die first in horror movies!), Kanna was missing and Ryu was now missing a leg. Well, not quite... he was carrying it around, seeing as he was really attached to his limb, especially when the moment comes when that limb was no longer attached to his body.

- My noble comrades! Brave warriors! My brothers... - Yoh was getting ready to plunge himself in the madness of the-medieval-king-encourages-his-men speech: - It's been an eternity since we've plunged into this abyss! Our bodies are growing weak and our spirit is running low, but mourn no more! Our salvation is close at hand!!!...  
- What is he talking about? - Sharona uttered.  
- I have no idea. - Ren answered dubiously.  
- He's lost it. - Horo's ghost stated.  
- MY LEEEEEEEG!!!! - Ryu whined out loud.  
- ...And though we've lost countless among our ranks, we shall still prevail over the monstrosities that lurk through these God-forsaken lands!...  
- Who is he talking to, anyway? - Sally rolled her eyes.  
- ...I shall lead you to salvation! I shall lead you to glory! I shall lead you to POWAAA!!!! - Yoh screamed out maniacally and raised a hand in the air triumphantly.

Milly burst out crying:

- YOH-SAN IS A RETAAAAAAAARD!!!!  
- MY LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG!!!!!!!! - Ryu cried again and hugged his leg.

- They can take our lives... BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!!!!! - He shrieked, right now reaching the top of his OOC-ness. He was going to rant and rant and rant and rant like this for many, many hours, till the madness and gore of Silent Hill completely devoured his puny brain...  
...And then Sharona smacked him with a steel pipe on the head. Yoh collapsed.

- WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!? - Elly yelled.  
- You wouldn't bare to listen to him all day, would you? - Sharona leered at the girl.  
- Well...no. - Elly admitted and gazed abashedly at the floor.  
- We should all go before... - Ren started but then a terrifying scream cut him off.

Everyone turned around in direction of the scream. It was agonizingly long, and it was soaked with the pain and torment of the poor man whose dick was torn off by a rabid dog...or had had something _long_ and _sharp_ shoved up his ass. The scream wasn't human.

Then suddenly, a Numb Body was thrown out of the darkness and fell right in front of Lyserg's feet.

- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Lyserg screamed like a little girl and fainted.

Ren kicked the monster. It was dead. It was all bloodied and still trembling from the agonizing death. He noticed that its legs were torn off.

Multiple monster shrieks echoed through the corridors.

Ren then realized that there was only one creature alive on this planet, capable of causing such destruction and fear. A single sweat drop ran down his face. It fell on the rusted floor.

- This is bad. - He muttered. The Chinese shaman shivered, then turned around and yelled:

- We must go! Now! If we stay any longer we will...

Sounds of slashing and chopping were heard in the distance. Monsters were gurgling and groaning in pangs of death.

And on top of this cacophony of pain, a girl's demonic shriek cut through everyone's ears like a dagger.

- IT'S ANNA!!!! - Everyone screamed and darted off in the opposite direction, as fast as they could.

* * *

All they ever wanted was to have something to eat. It didn't look like too much. She didn't look strong at all. She would've served pretty well for the afternoon snack with some tea and cookies.

They attacked her.  
And then _She_...  
...got _**angry**_.

In a matter of five minutes the huge horde of bloodthirsty demonic beasts was reduced to a tiny group of hapless critters, shivering in fright before the** Magnificence OF ANNA-SAMA, The Ultimate Ice Queen Bitch**.

Anna bit a Closer's head off with her own teeth and spat it at a retreating Numb Body. She then stomped the monster's corpse mercilessly. She tossed her head back and roared:

- ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even Godzilla couldn't roar like that. Every monster in fifty miles radius was put to flight.

Anna stalked towards the corpse of a Pyramid Head. There was a handle shoved between its legs. She grabbed it and pulled the creature's Great Knife out of its ass. Pyramid Head suffered such a gruesome death because it _touched_ Anna with its _dirty_ hand.

The weapon was twice her size. She grabbed it with two hands and swung it around almost effortlessly. She grinned deviously.

Then Anna strode away, dragging the huge sword behind her, determined to castrate Yoh and his homies once she gets her hands on them.

* * *

You know... there are a lot of astounding and incredible things in this world. Like the fact that adult whales weight a hundred of tons, but when they are born they are no bigger than a nickel.

However, it was even more amazing how people who are pursued by Anna Kyoyama could easily outrun a cheetah. Ren and the others were running so fast they didn't have the chance to see the door in the end of the corridor. They crashed right into it, then collapsed with a very painful 'OOOH!'

Yoh woke up. He was himself right now, freed from the idiocy of heroic sagas and other crap like that. The Asakura gazed at the door, then exclaimed cheerfully:  
- Another door!

Ren gaped at the door. It looked like the door of someone's apartment.  
- I'm really starting to hate doors... - Ren sighed.

The door had a sign on it: 302  
Horo's ghost trembled.

- I sense something evil behind the door!  
- Let's check it out! - Yoh exclaimed in a childish manner.  
- It may kill us!  
- Let's check it out! - He exclaimed happily and reached for the doorknob.  
- This Room is Evil! Don't go!!!!

But it was too late. The poor idiot had opened the door.  
Everything inside was covered in rust and blood. The air was heavy. Something smelled terrible from the fridge.

Sally grinned and exclaimed:  
- HMMMMMMM! Something smells GOOOD!

Everyone's jaws fell open when she barged in the kitchen, opened the rusty fridge and pulled out a bloody piece of meat. She opened her mouth and devoured the raw flesh viercely while roaring 'AAAAAH FRESH MEAT!' with her mouth full.

_(LOL! __**Pudge**__ from DotA xD)_

Everyone kept staring at her for a minute when someone said with a shay voice:  
- U-uhhh... Sally?

She raised her head up. Blood and pieces of meat were dripping from her mouth.  
- Yesh? - She mumbled.  
- That's... a dead cat.

Her expression remained composed. Then she looked down at the thing she was eating. It looked up at her and let out a sound:

- _Mew_?  
- A zombie cat, to be exact. - Horo's ghost noted.  
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Sally screamed and collapsed on the floor, immediately starting to vomit the decaying zombie flesh she had been eating.

All of the girls shuddered.  
- EEEEEWWWW! Gross!

While Sally was throwing up all over the floor, Ren was walking around the room and looking at everything in it. The whole apartment seemed to have been possessed or haunted by evil spirits. There was blood running from the tap, there was blood on the armchair, the clock was tick-tacking at high speed, the TV was on but there was nothing but a white screen on it, the windows were banging open and close, there were strange, creepy cracks on the walls and someone's shoes were walking around the room. Oh, did I mention about the ghost sticking through the wall above the lamp?

The dead guy waved a hand at Ren.

- Hello! Do you know who I am? - He asked Ren.  
- A mindless bloodthirsty ghost and a haunting? - Ren asked.  
- No! I'm Casper!  
- Oh, please...  
- Don't you believe me?  
- Casper is a cute, friendly little ghost. YOU are a decaying, bloodied, zombie-like apparition sticking half-way through the wall. I'm getting a headache only by looking at you!

The ghost made an unhappy mug.  
- I wasn't very convincing, was I?  
- Nope.  
- Well, okay. Then I'll just have to kill you. _**ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_ - It roared and it swung its dead hands at the shaman, but missed.

Horo's ghost came closer. He smiled.

- Hey, dude. You're a ghost, too?  
- Yup.  
- How long have you been dead?  
- Ten years or so.  
- This sucks, man. I got killed by a thing with a Pyramid on its head!  
- Well, I got wasted by a maniac who used to be my apprentice!  
- Your apprentice?  
- I was a cult leader, teaching that little kid about how to summon the Devil.  
- Cool! Did you make a lot of sacrifices?  
- Every day! - The ghost brightened up a bit. - We offer up people and shit like that to our God.  
- What God?  
- The Holy Mother, of course.  
- What Holy Mother?  
- The Holy Mother that lives in Silent Hill, of course.  
- Never heard of that town.  
- That's cuz shifting between dimensions all the time. One moments it's here, and the other - gone! Some crazy shit if you ask me.  
- Yup... ugh... I gotta go now.  
- What? Leaving so soon?  
- Sorry, dude, but I've got a job to do.  
- There aren't a lot of people coming around here and sticking through this wall has become boring! There's nothing on TV, the radio plays static all the time and there's not a single thing to kill in miles!  
- That's pretty fucked up, bro. I feel sorry for ya. - Horo patted the ghost on the arm, then brushed off the black gooey substance off the wall.  
- Well, I guess it's called faith. - The ghost admitted.  
- Yeah... we'll, it was nice talking to ya.  
- Peace, man. - The ghost showed a piece sign.  
- Piece, dude. - Horo said back.

* * *

What nobody knew right now was that Anna was standing right in front of Room 302, with the Giant Knife in her hands, intending to chop Yoh's head off the moment she saw him. Will he evade her cruel punishment? Will Yoh ever escape from the madness of Silent Hill? Will Hao ever get his hands on Yoh? And what exactly happened to those hapless idiots Tamao, Zen and Ryo and Walter, the retarded madman with a steel pipe in his hand? Find out in the next chapter of... _**'The Legend Lives Once Again'**_ :D 


	20. Your Wife?

Chapter Twenty: Your Wife!?

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the 'Singing in Latin While I'm Killing You' theme and the Latin chorus. Hehehe!

* * *

Kanna was lost. She knew it already, so there was no point of telling her that again. No one likes giant lances shoved up their asses.  
She got lost along the way when the corridor split in different directions. The group was running from another Pyramid Head and when Kanna realized that she had taken the wrong path, Yoh and his group were somewhere far away from her position, and there was no going back now. That Pyramid Head thing was strong.  
And so, right now Kanna was lost, unaware of where she was or what awaited her, with no options but to keep going forward. But she had the option to take out a cigarette from her pocket, lighten it and have a little smoke to calm her nerves down.

She and her medieval companion walked forward till they reached something unexpected.  
A dead end. There was a plain red wall in front of her.

Kanna rolled her eyes and sighed.  
- Just what I really needed right now.

Just then, footsteps came from behind her. Ashcroft raised his weapon, ready to eviscerate whatever enemy would come forth to fight him.  
A mid-aged man with short blond hair and a green jacket came out. He had a desperate, miserable mug on his face.  
Kanna was a little relaxed to see another human in a place like that, but she didn't order Ashcroft to lower his lance.

The man gaped at the wall behind her.  
- Damn! Not another dead end!

Kanna raised an eyebrow:  
- Ugh... yeah, I noticed it, too. So, who are you anyway?

The man rubbed the back of his neck and muttered:  
- I'm James... James Sunderland. I've been looking for my wife for quite a while... and it seems I've gotten lost.

Kanna's expression remained suspicious.  
- You know... I'll be really thankful if you helped me out in a situation like that. - James said with a sad mug on his face.

The woman kept staring at his suspiciously. James sighed and added:  
- I'll pay you $500 if you help me find her.  
- Sweet! - Kanna cheered.

And so they went! Five minutes later they saw a woman in a miniskirt and shoulder-length blond hair. She smirked at them. Kanna instantly realized she hated the blond more than anything in her life.

- Hello, James.  
- MARY!!!  
- Wow! That was fast. - Kanna exclaimed. James rushed forwards to embrace his lost wife, when he suddenly remembered something:  
- Oh, wait a minute! Did I mention my wife died three years ago?  
- WHAT!? - Kanna screamed in panic.  
- I am not your Mary, James. - The blond said in an eerie voice. - I am Maria, the evil manifestation of your guilt towards killing your own wife!  
- YOU KILLED YOUR WIFE!?  
- No! - James howled, completely ignoring Kanna. - This can't be! I have been betrayed yet again!

Then Maria transformed in the final boss of SH2. Kanna goggled and realized she had somehow gotten in the middle of a battle.

* * *

In the meantime, Tamao was screaming like hell and running for her life. Faust had ran away even faster, crying like a little girl.  
- MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!! - Walter laughed out evilly and tossed Zen and Ryo's heads at her. The girl started shrieking even louder.

After Walter decapitated the two of them and made them his victims (they would return as Ghosts later in the story), he strode towards the retreating Tamao. He didn't give a crap that she was running ten times faster than him. He was going to corner her and kill her in the end. He played the role of a Killer, after all. Killers always kill their Prey in the horror stories, even though the frightened teen girl is running like hell, sometimes hitting the Killer with a plank/a frying pan/a steel pipe/a television set/a radio/a radiator/a chainsaw (though he ALWAYS survives her attacks) and blocking his way with all sorts of objects and stuff (and yet again they never REALLY slow him down).

Tamao crashed in a pile of cartons which she couldn't see in the darkness. Panic took over her.

'OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG What am I gonna doooooooooo!?!?!?' Thoughts raced through her mind like wild. Then, for her own surprise, she saw a submachine gun, lying on the ground. She picked it up. The girl gazed at the approaching Killer. She grinned.

Then she closer her eyes, sent a quick prayer to God, pressed the trigger and unleashed a flood of bullets, while screaming in war rage.

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - She screamed.

The weapon was rattling as it belched bullets at her attacker. One minute later the submachine gun ran out of ammo.  
Tamao dared to open her eyes. A tiny strain of smoke was coming out of the weapon's nozzle. She goggled.

Walter was standing right in front of her, with a slight smile on his face. Every single bullet had missed him.

Tamao tossed the girl on the ground and spat out angrily:  
- Damn it!

So, kids, what's the moral from this situation? #1: Old movie clichés are the true kings of horror movies; logic has no place in there. #2: The Prey may be armed with a knife, a gun, a steel pipe, a submachine gun, a bazooka, a chainsaw, a tank, a Jedi lightsaber, or even all of them at once, but the Killer STILL won't stop at NOTHING to catch his Prey. And #3: Never shoot at your pursuer with eyes closed!

Walter raised his handgun and aimed at her head. The girl collapsed on the ground, her legs feeling heavy. She closed her eyes and prayed for a quick, painless death.

Walter grinned...  
...then collapsed on the ground when Faust hit him with a steel pipe on the head.

Tamao looked at the German shaman.  
- Faust... you saved my life!

The shaman took her in his arms. He whispered tenderly:  
- Of courz I will, my d_z_ear. Th_z_at brute kan never take you away vrom me. Besidez, I hav no uze from you if you a_h_re d_z_ead.

The pink-haired girl's face turned pale.  
- W-W-W-What do you mean!? - She stuttered.

Faust brushed off a pink hair falling on her forehead and explained:  
- Well, my d_z_ear, I may be a ne_k_romancer, but I am not a ne_k_rophile. I like wa_h_rm flesh just like anyone elz.

Tamao's eyes grew wide in fear.

- PERVERT!!!!! - She screamed and grabbed the steel pipe from Faust's hand, smacking him on the head with it. Then she ran off in a random direction, screaming for help. Five seconds later she hit her head in a prop and fell down unconscious.

* * *

Kanna's jaw was hanging loose.

The thing that was the fraud Mary had transformed in an ugly monster, hanging from the wall. This was probably the worst nightmare an average husband could have after ten years of unhappy marriage.

James took out a chain-saw and switched it on. The tool let out a thunderous roar.  
- You're gonna kill her, aren't you? - Kanna checked.

The man nodded, then lunged towards the Final Boss. He carved the chain-saw deep in the creature's chest, but nothing happened. An arm pushed him backwards and the monster then vomited a swarm of moths. James ran around in stupid screams while trying to chase the moths off.

- How about I help you? - She asked.  
- I'm fine! - James yelled and kept running in circles.

James kept running around but the moths wouldn't go away.  
- Do you need help now?

- I'm fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!! - He screamed as he waved with hands and ran around.

Five minutes later the moths caught him and attacked him.  
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!  
- Ugh... I have a spirit knight with a really big lance here. Maybe he'll be of some help? - Kanna suggested.  
- I'll be alright! Really! I just gotta reach for my Hyper-Spray!

The woman sighed in a tired way and snapped her fingers. Ashcroft stepped forward and stomped on all of the insects attacking James, along with James himself, who was lying helplessly on the ground. The huge knight picked him up and put him in a giant sack of potatoes, which was probably the safest thing right now.  
(Don't ask, please!)  
- Now, bitch, it's time to die!!!! - Kanna said and ordered Ashcroft to attack.  
- GROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHH! - Ashcroft roared with a metallic voice.  
- ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARR!!!!! - Demon Maria roared like the monster she really was.

The two were about to engage in a titanic battle of heroes that was going to shake entire continents and ground civilizations to dust...  
...When Walter walked out and shot Maria in the head, after which the beast fell on the floor in a bloody pile of rotting flesh.

Kanna, Ashcroft and the giant sack of potatoes sweat-dropped.  
- You ruined the moment! - Kanna scolded the Killer.

Walter grinned, then said:  
- I am The Killer! My mission is to purify Mom, kill random people and break the Fourth Wall as many times as possible!  
- You blasphemer!!!! - Kanna shrieked and showed a horned hand sign at him, recoiling. - You fool! How dare you disbalance the... ugh... balance of Movie productions like that! You shall not destroy the Cliché!  
- Bitch! - Walter taunted. - I already have! The creator of this story has entrusted me with the task of destroying the Cliché! Not only that I possess the power of the Holy Assumption, but I also have the Powers of the Author! This is the greatest power in the entire universe!!!!!  
- But I thought that _**The Grand Power of the Unholy Cactus**_ was the greatest power in the universe? - James asked while still inside the sack of potatoes.

A hundred of tenors sang majestically in Latin. Five seconds later the chorus was gone.  
- Did you hear something? - Kanna asked?  
- AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAA!!!!! - Walter laughed out. - Did you hear that!? TheArchon has summoned the Latin chorus to sing the 'Singing in Latin While I'm Killing You' theme! And do you know WHAT he is here to do?!?!

Kanna blinked.  
- Sing in Latin while you're kill me?  
- HAHAHAHAHA!!!! YES! He will sing in Latin while I'm killing you! This is where you and that wimp James will die! - He then raised a finger in the skies. - Maestor! MUSIC!!!!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-  
TheArchon blinked.  
- But I don't know Latin! He's making all of this up!!! How am I going to compose a Latin theme when I know nothing about music and I know nothing about Latin!?

He brooded for a few seconds, then his brilliant mind came to a decision. He pulled out a book from the shelf near the TV and opened it.  
- This is gotta work... - He whispered anxiously.  
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Kanna blinked again. She realized that she was in the middle of an arena. There were Silent Hill monsters roaring from the rostra all around her. She looked around but found Ashcroft nowhere in sight.

She was alone on that arena, with Walter right in front of her, armed with a submachine gun and a Great Knife. There was an extremely evil and extremely BIG grin on his face.

The woman looked at her hand. Her only weapon right now was...

...a spoon?!

* * *

**From the Author:** And thus ends another wacky chapter from my wacky story? Is Kanna going to get killed? Will Tamao escape from Faust's clutches? When the hell am I going to write more about those damn Asakura brothers??? Find out more about these guys in the next chapter! R&R when you're done reading, please! I'd like to see comments on my latest work! 


	21. There Is No Spoon

**Chapter Twenty One:** There Is No Spoon

**Disclaimer:** All I own at the moment is the Latin Chorus, the 'Singing In Latin While I'm Killing You' theme, and myself. Shaman King, Silent Hill and Warcraft 3 are not mine.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

TheArchon goggled at the encyclopedia he had just pulled out of the shelf. He sighed desperately and started typing, wondering what the reviews from this chapter would be like.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Kanna goggled at the spoon in her hand. She them realized that the man who was writing this story was a complete lunatic.  
She looked at her evil adversary, who was now approaching her.

- That's not fair!!! - She exclaimed. - All I have is a spoon!

Then Walter swung with the Great Knife at her.  
- EEEEEEK!!!! - Kanna screamed and rolled over, evading the knife by a mere inch.

- CRAP! - Walter cursed. - I missed!

He rose his submachine gun and opened fire at the woman.

- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!!! - She shrieked again and kept rolling on the ground, evading every single bullet just because the protagonists can't POSSIBLY die so early in the final battle.

Then the Latin chorus everyone was talking about...started singing.

_Rec-tus _

Kanna rolled on her feet and ran as fast as she could away from the rain of bullets.

_Fe-mo-ris_

Walter laughed out and lunged with the Great Knife at the retreating Kanna.

_Scro-tum_

Kanna's eyes widened when Walter swung the colossal weapon at her. She ducked, moments before the Great Knife cut through the place her head was.

_Mag-nus_

Walter grumbled and stepped back under the weight of the Great Knife. He was about to raise it when Kanna threw sand in his eyes. He screamed and dropped the Knife.

_Pe-nis_

She leaped towards the Great Knife and clutched around the handle. She tried to lift the colossal sword but it was far more heavier than she expected.

_E-rec-tus_

She swung the Knife clumsily in a slow arc around her. Walter escaped the blade without effort.

_Ra-di-us_

Kanna shrieked and strained her muscles to swing the blade again. This time it cut through the air at a greater speed, slashing through Walter's body.

_Vas-tus_

He collapsed on the ground, bleeding intensely and groaning in throes of death. She stared at him for a few seconds, then his body suddenly disappeared.

_La-te-ra-lis_

- HUH!? - She groaned. Then a movement behind her made her turn around. Her eyes widened.

_Os Fron-ta-le_

Walter was standing right there, safe and sound, as if he hadn't just died.  
- But I just killed you!  
- You can't kill meeeeeee! I'm immortal! I performed the ritual of Holy Assumptiooooooon! - He chanted mockingly.

Kanna scratched her head.  
- Sooooo... you say that no matter how many times I chop your head off with this thing... you won't die?

- No, I won't! But you can make me mortal again by stabbing the eight spears of the Holy Mother into my real body. - He said negligently and pointed at a huge grey fetus-like beast hanging on chains and pipes from the wall and eight grave stones with a spear stuck in each. Kanna went bug-eyed.

_'Wow! I didn't notice that thing earlier!'_

- So I gotta stab that monster with those spears before I can kill you, huh?  
- No. You gotta stick my umbilical cord first in that thing first, THEN stick the spears into it AND finally kill me. - Walter corrected her.  
- Where's the umbilical cord? - Kanna asked.  
- Right here! - Walter grinned and pulled his trench coat up, revealing the umbilical cord, still attached to his belly button. Kanna fell over and puked on the ground. Walter pulled the cord out and handed it to her.  
- Here! Take it! - He grinned idiotically. Kanna took the cord with a disgusted mug and strode towards the grey monster.

Ten seconds later Walter blinked. He shook his head and murmured:  
- Damn weed! I gotta stop smoking so much pot, I'm doing things that can... HEY! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!! - He then roared at Kanna and rushed towards her.

But it was too late. Kanna had already stuck the umbilical cord in Walter's real body and he was now vulnerable to the spears. She pulled the first spear out and stabbed it in the grey decaying flesh. The monster screamed. Walter screamed too and collapsed in pain.  
- Damn it, bitch! That hurt like hell! - He whined while clutching at his arm.

Then the Latin chorus started singing again:

_Sca-pu-la_

- Not again... - Kanna murmured while stabbing the monster with the second spear. Walter shrieked and writhed in pain.  
- Stop that, for fuck's sake!!!

_Ster-num_

Kanna methodically stabbed the creature with the third, fourth, fifth, seventh and eights spear, leaving Walter once again mortal and groaning in pain on the ground.

_A-nus_

The woman picked the Great Knife and got ready to attack and kill Walter.

* * *

But little did anyone of the two know was that among the spectators of Silent Hill monsters, three humans were sitting and watching the battle. They were three Warcraft 3 geeks who were so addicted to WC3 that they had to bring their laptops to communicate between each other. The first one was a fatass mid-aged man who hadn't shaved in three months, calling himself '13012n70l337', which translated to normal English meant 'Born to Leet'. The second was a eight-year-old nerdy kid called 'shadow-creeper' (in other words: 'Shadow Creeper'). The third, a seventeen-year-old guy with glasses and short black hair, named 'GudysRevenge'. 

The conversation between the three could be depicted like this:

shadow-creeper: gg?  
13012n70l337: no  
13012n70l337: look  
shadow-creeper: wtf?  
GudysRevenge: he is standin up  
shadow-creeper: lol he is not noob  
13012n70l337: can she kill him?  
shadow-creeper: ROFL  
shadow-creeper: fuck no  
shadow-creeper: he is range and she is melee  
shadow-creeper: he is lvl 25  
shadow-creeper: she is lvl 19  
GudysRevenge: what is this?  
GudysRevenge: rapier?  
13012n70l337: no  
13012n70l337: gk  
GudysRevenge? what?  
13012n70l337: great knife  
GudysRevenge: oh  
GudysRevenge: k  
GudysRevenge: so what does it do?  
shadow-creeper: gives 250 dmg and 15 critical  
GudysRevenge: so its like rapier?  
shadow-creeper: no noob  
shadow-creeper: gk has critical, rapier doesn't  
GudysRevenge: k  
GudysRevenge: just asking  
shadow-creeper: just stfu  
shadow-creeper: im watching the fight  
GudysRevenge: noob  
GudysRevenge:D  
13012n70l337: lol  
13012n701337: walter is running  
GudysRevenge: LOL  
GudysRevenge: b noob!  
GudysRevenge: xD  
shadow-creeper: revenge  
shadow-creeper: stfu  
GudysRevenge: fu noob  
13012n70l337: stfu all of u  
shadow-creeper: omfg  
shadow-creeper: she pwned him  
13012n70l337: feeder  
GudysRevenge: he is so noob  
shadow-creeper: WTF!? look  
shadow-creeper: he is alive!  
GudysRevenge: omg!  
13012n70l337: wtf  
13012n70l337: he didnt have aegis  
GudysRevenge: why is he alive?  
shadow-creeper: dont know  
shadow-creeper: she isnt bad :)  
GudysRevenge: nice :)  
13012n70l337: how did he revive?  
GudysRevenge: dunno  
shadow-creeper: stfu ffs  
shadow-creeper: and just watch the game  
13012n70l337: OMG!  
13012n70l337: he nearly owned her  
shadow-creeper: nice  
GudysRevenge: thank God that the latin chorus stopped singing.  
LATINCHORUS: _Pe-nis E-rec-tus  
_GudysRevenge: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!  
GudysRevenge: gg!  
(GudysRevenge has left the game)  
shadow-creeper: noob  
13012n70l337: leaver  
shadow-creeper: -.-

* * *

**From the Author:** Well, that's the end of this chapter! Hope you laughed a lot. I took the Latin terms from an... ugh... encyclopedia about the human body... Heh heh... Well, anyway, R&R! 


	22. Dr Faust Is Getting Pissed

Chapter Twenty Two: Dr. Faust Is Getting Pissed

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King, Silent Hill, Elfen Lied or anything else written in here. All I own is myself, the Latin Chorus and the _'Singing In Latin While I'm Killing You'_ Theme.

* * *

Faust VIII woke up and realized he was having a really nasty headache. There was a big bump on his head and it hurt like hell. He slowly stood up and looked around. Tamao was nowhere in sight and he was still in the rusty, crimson nightmarish corridor of Silent Hill. However, the thing that actually intrigued him were the severed heads of Zen and Ryo, each lying in a puddle of blood.

He raised his eyebrows and murmured:

- _V_ell, t_z_ere _v_ill be no need to vo_h_rry about thzose idiotz anymo_h_re. - The German doctor strolled his gaze across the floor, and not far away from the heads he spotted Zen and Ryo's decapitated bodies. He went there and examined the bodies carefully, with distinguishable sorrow. Tears welled up in his eyes. He collapsed and burst out in cries, mourning over the untimely demises of his closest friends...

A minute later he stuck up his fingers in Zen's pockets, then in Ryo's, and pulled out a joint from each of them. He took a toke and breathed out elatedly. The German gave out a maniacal laughter and smiled like an idiot.

Then something behind him stirred. He turned around. Zen and Ryo's ghosts were floating inches above the ground, hovering towards him, letting out zombie-like moans and groans like the Ghost Victims from Silent Hill 4: The Room.

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Faust screamed and made a run for it. The soiled souls of the deceased pop singers drifted in his direction even faster.

The shaman didn't make it very far, seeing as he was high on drugs right now. He slammed against a wall and crumbled. Hopefully, Zen and Ryo couldn't slow down before they collide with the wall. They entered the wall, leaving a nightmarishly sticky black substance behind them that drooled down the wall.

When Faust came by, he stood up and felt more than happy to be alive. Then he suddenly realized how lonely and disorientated he was. The shaman was stuck in a hellish place with corridors that seemed to stretch for miles. And he was horny like hell! He should've done Tamao while he had the chance...

He grunted discontentedly and strode in a direction he thought was the right one. Twenty four seconds later a Double Head lunged towards him and bit his leg.

Faust was getting really pissed from everything around here.

* * *

Hao crawled from beneath the box of Ruffles, stood up and pretended that he had not just spent ten minutes hiding under an empty box of potato chips, cowering like a little girl. In truth, he had no idea how he ended up like this. One moment he was next to the captured Mari, and by the time he knew it he was hiding under this box in here! Damn it, that pathetic excuse for a writer was going to pay **big** **time** for making fun of him like that!

The pyromaster yelled:  
- Ashil! Machi! Where are you?

Silence. That's all there was around him. He was alone.

**KABOOOM**!

Well, I certainly realize that the combination of words known as 'KABOOM' cannot possibly depict the sound that was given out from the wall that just exploded to millions of rock particles and broken bricks, but that's the best I can think of right now. Hao covered himself with his cloak. When the cloud of dust dissipated, he looked at the hole in the wall.

He gaped with mouth opened.

A teen girl with dark magenta, almost red shoulder-length hair, walked forward. She had dark pink eyes and strangely, two horns in the shape of cat ears projecting from her head.  
_  
And_ she was completely nude.

Hao made that WTF face and recoiled.  
- OMG! WTF! - He gulped and retreated swiftly. The girl was shuffling towards him with a numb, dead gaze, fixed directly in Hao. The shaman started to panic.  
- Put some clothes on, for God's sake! - Hao yelped and made a run for it.  
A second later an invisible, deadly force decapitated him, his blood gushing out from his neck like a fountain!

_-+-+-+-+-+__**STOP**__!-+-+-+-+-+-_

- WTF?! Who the hell are you!?  
_'I am your Conscience, TheArchon.'  
_- LOL! I don't have a Conscience, dude! I like playing Warcraft, eating potato chips all day and acting stupid! I'm a fuckin asshole!  
_'You have a Conscience, TheArchon. And right now this Conscience is telling you to erase what you just wrote!'  
_- You mean the part when I said I'm a fuckin asshole?  
_'Well...you can omit THAT part, but I was actually referring to the part when you got Lucy killing Hao.'  
_- I should've got him killed in the very beginning. I don't like that guy! He sucks balls! He's an egocentric sociopath, and a womanish coward who seeks world domination, while justifying his insane quest for power under the pretext of feeling the need to save the world!  
_'Hao may be evil and twisted, but a lot of readers may feel offended or heart-broken if you kill him just like that. After all, he IS the main Hero of this story.'  
_- You mean...  
_'Yes. His fans.'  
_- ...I see...  
_'Correct. Now you know what you must do...'_

TheArchon got down to work...

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

...Time slowed down, then rewound like a video cassette. Then it started all over again...  
- Put some clothes on, for God's sake! - Hao yelped and made a run for it.

He made a few steps, then an invisible force tore off his spine, blood gushing in every direction from his back!

-+-+-+-+-

_'TheArchon!!!!'  
_- Alright already! I was only kidding!

-+-+-+-+-

- Put some clothes on, for God's sake! - Hao yelped and made a run for it.

The girl followed him slowly, but relentlessly. Hao felt confused, scared, and extremely horny from seeing that beautiful nude girl. Her eyes, on the other hand, gave him the creeps.

- Who the hell are you, anyway? - The Asakura murmured in a disturbed way as he backed away.

Suddenly, an invisible and deadly force...  
(:P)  
...  
...broke a crate next to the girl to pieces. Hao gazed amazedly. His whole being was now concentrated on keeping a distance, greater than two meters away from the freaky pink-haired girl.

He gazed at her face, stiffened in a hatred incited and nurtured for many years. Her eyes showed that she was mere inches away from madness...  
...Hao smirked when his gaze slowly scrolled down her neck and to her...  
Another crate burst to splinters, this time more furiously and abruptly. The girl had noticed _where_ he was looking.  
When the shaman's back hit the wall, he realized that he was cornered. The girl was steadily walking towards him...  
Suddenly, a wall exploded, and someone's Oversoul lunged towards the girl.

- Eliza! Beat _dz_e shit out of _d_at hoe!

Hao covered his face and collapsed, whining like a sissy. When he looked up, the fight was over, the pink-haired girl was gone, and Faust VIII and his deceased wife were standing in front of him.

Faust smiled.  
- I assume t_z_at you a_h_re d_z_e almighty Hao-_z_ama. I'm docto_h_r Faust VIII, und I am al_z_o an expe_h_rt nekroman_z_er.

Hao blinked and glanced at the hand, stretched in front of him.  
- And _**I**_ assume that you are German, am I right? - Hao checked as he took the hand and rose on his feet.  
- You are correct. - Faust nodded. Hao frowned and asked:  
- Why are you here?  
- _V_ell...t_z_ere may be nume_h_ros explanations to t_z_is question. Maybe Gott 1 thought t_z_at d_z_e _v_orld needs me _z_omehow, but I don't think Gott vud int_z_entionally _k_hreate someone as _zi_ck und r_h_etard_z_ed a_z_ me. Anot_z_e_h_r explanation i_z_ t_z_at t_z_ere _v_asn't enogh _z_pase left in Hell und _Z_atan hatt dispatched mein soul to vander th_z_e Earth vor an et_z_ernity. Or maybe t_z_ere _v_ere alien lifefo_h_rms who...

- I'm not asking you for the reason of your existence, doctor Faust, I'm asking you why you are _here _rightnow. - Faust clarified his question, making a remarkable effort to stay calm after listening to Faust's ranting in broken English.

The doctor scowled for a second, then muttered under his nose:  
- D_z_man... Ich bin r_h_eally gett_z_ing pissed off r_h_ight now...  
- Come again? - Hao didn't hear a damn thing of what Faust said. He leaned closer.  
- I zaid tzat I am gettzing rheally pissed.  
- I'm sorry, I'm obviously becoming deaf... - Hao plucked his little finger in his ear and turned it, then plugged it out and pulled out a BIG ball of ear wax. Faust nearly fainted when he saw it.  
- _I zaid_ tzat I am gettzing RHEALLY...  
- You are 'r_h_eally' vat... ugh... I mean 'what'!? - Hao babbled out and rubbed the ball of ear wax off his finger, using Faust's coat.  
- I _Z_AID T_Z_AT I AM GETT_Z_ING---

**KABOOM!!!!**

OMG WTF! Not the Kaboom sound again! But hey, this one's different; it has four exclamation marks at the end:D Never mind that... back to the story!

Hao and Faust gaped at the wall, each one of the fearing the worst to happen.

And then, out of the clouds of dust and gloom, out of the shadows of despair, a creature rose up and strode towards its unfortunate adversaries...  
...a creature the world had yet to face...  
...a creature that was going to obliterate all in its path until in has fulfilled its insane mission of homicide...  
...and this creature was...

Hao's eyes widened in uncontrollable terror.  
- ANNA!!!

And with just those words said. he ran off in a random direction, waving his hands about and screaming like a little girl.

* * *

**From the Author:** Whew! 'Bout time I finish that chapter! R&R as always! People aren't commenting much nowadays... 


	23. Idiot or No Idiot?

**Chapter Twenty Three:** Idiot or no Idiot?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own SK. I don't own SH, nor anything mentioned in this story, except for the Latin Chorus, the 'Singing In Latin While I'm Killing You' Theme, the four universal entities, and of course, myself!

* * *

There is a matter that is being discussed between the four universal entities (the Thunderlord, the Silver Hammer, the Scarlet Majordomo and the Stupid Flying Sheep) about the origin and philosophical meaning of Idiocy. According to a recent research, carried out by their Celestial Messengers, the amount of Idiocy in the universe was utterly staggering. It consisted in varying amounts in virtually everything. Those who basked in the warmth of Knowledge, Wisdom and Sensibility were periodically chilled by the freezing wind of Ignorance, Foolishness and Recklessness. However, even the most Idiotic ones were not entirely composed of pure Idiocy, as they were sometimes illuminated by the pure energy of Wisdom, Knowledge and the rest of that crap we mentioned a few lines above.

The Silver Hammer states that Idiocy has existed since the very beginning of time and space. Many millennia ago, when the first sparkle of life was born out of the darkness of unliving matter, Idiocy came to be as well. A simple example that Idiocy existed in the ages past was the extinction of the dinosaurs. Of course, creatures who walked on four legs, with bodies covered in scales and who eventually got wiped out by some meteorite can't _possibly_ be referred to as judicious, intelligent creatures, because if they really were smart, they would've probably built a missile and used it to blow that damn meteorite hurtling towards the Earth.

In the Thunderlord's point of view, not only living beings are Idiots. This ubiquitous phenomenon known as Idiocy had manifested itself in _everything_. Plants are well-known examples of Idiots; only an Idiot would evolve in such a way that it will be permanently attached to the ground, leaving itself completely dependant on the weather and the climate, which were two of the biggest Idiots in existence. Animals were even more Idiotic than plants, seeing as they were forced eat, drink, defecate and grow, and in the end die and rot away, leaving nothing but a memory behind them. And so, it seemed that Life itself was nothing more than Idiocy itself, seeing as Death, an everlasting period of existing in an unknown plane, followed every time at the end of life of every living thing. Death was the only thing that was not considered an Idiocy... **or was it?**

The Scarlet Majordomo had in mind that beings accumulate more Idiotic energies as they grew in age. Though many philosophers would surely disagree against this statement, the Majordomo's observations have concluded that the majority of old people, for example, become nothing more that sheer idiots when they reach a certain age. Wisdom and Sensibility was only temporary in a mortal being's existence; Idiocy was the only thing that remained for eternity.

And finally, the Stupid Flying Sheep noted that Idiocy's philosophical meaning was that it was what gave everything true peace of the mind and soul. Ah, the ignorance, the recklessness… the Idiocy! Only the one who is completely free of the weight of rational thinking can truly enjoy his existence and lead a peaceful and happy life. Idiocy's _purpose_ was to hold the universe in one piece. Idiocy has kept it intact for countless millennia, it has served it purpose in the shaping of worlds and galaxies, it has also bestowed Life upon the planet Earth, thus making it a wondrous and magnificent locus for the creatures that trod on its surface to grow strong and wise, venerate the gift that has been given to them, and search for their true purpose in life… which was, of course, becoming one with the Ultimate Idiocy itself. The Stupid Flying Sheep has concluded that the human civilization of the XXI century has almost completed its goal, and soon they will all be merged with the everlasting bliss of being… Utter Idiots. However, the other three entities somewhat disagree that all of this is true, because it's hard to believe what a gigantic flying sheep which farts fire and can burp its enemies to death had to say about the origin and philosophical meaning of Idiocy.

Yes, Idiocy was a very important issue that the entities were discussing. Idiocy had many characteristics, and one it was it's contagiousness. The other one was that it came without warning and dealt severe damage to an unprepared mind.

The very same thing was happening to Yoh Asakura at the moment. He was standing in a room, covered in blood and rust, filled with unimaginable hauntings and evil spirits, and he didn't feel bothered at all. For the first time in his life, he felt so _relieved_ of all that was important in Life. Everything that cased his life in logic suddenly faded away…

He tried to think.  
He was frightened to realized that his mind had turned blank. The only think he realized right now was that… he couldn't think!  
He strained his brain to produce some rational thought, but all he came out with was the mental equivalent of white noise.  
Yoh closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, let out an angry 'UUUUUUUUUUGGGHHH!!!' sound and shuddered in effort to make his brain work once again. He shuddered like that for ten seconds, then suddenly an incredible event took place!

'_**FAAAAAAAAARRRRRT**_!'

Yoh goggled and looked down.  
He had crapped his pants.

He frowned and shrieked in despair:  
- HOLY SHIT!

Ren looked at him numbly. Then he scrolled his gaze to Yoh's pants. Ren went bug-eyed.  
- YOH! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO!? – He screamed in panic.

Then everyone in the room, including all of the hauntings, burst out in uncontrolled laughter at the pathetic, embarrassing thing their leader had just done.

Ren's jaw had hit the floor.

Yoh was gaping at his pants.  
- Ugh... – He muttered.

- Why the hell did you do such a disgraceful thing!? – Ren insisted angrily. The rest of the group was laughing their asses off.

Yoh's eyebrow twitched.  
- I…. ugh… I … don't know… for sure… - His mind was still blank. – I was… er… thinking… or maybe… trying to think… of something…  
- DUDE!!!! – Horo's ghost cackled out, half-bent in laughter. – YOU SHIT YOURSELF FROM THINKING!?

Ren was staring at the Asakura with a disturbed face.  
- Yoh... are you becoming an Idiot?

Yoh's expression turned blank… and extremely worried.  
Everyone's laughter quieted down. It was replaced with sincere angst about Yoh's condition.

And at that moment, the real Anna Kyoyama, the one destined to become the Wife of the Shaman King, stomped in front of the door of Room 302. She was still dragging the Great Knife, now eight times as bloodier as before, seeing as she had cut her way through approximately five hundred monsters, roaming through the corridors.  
She clutched around the handle, gritted her teeth, raised the weapon in the air, let out a furious warcry, and smashed it against the door, breaking it to pieces.

Ren gaped at the cloud of splinters where the door was moments ago. From that cloud Anna emerged in all of her vengeance and rage.  
- IT'S ANNA!!!!!! – Everyone screamed.

The girl pointed at her husband.  
- Yoh! – She roared like a bloodthirsty beast. – Your ass is mine!!!

Yoh gaped at her like a retarded sheep and hiccupped in terror.

* * *

**From the Author:** That's all for now, folks! R&R as always! 


	24. Part 1: Escape From Silent Hill

**Chapter** **Twenty** **Four, Part One:** Escape From Silent Hill

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything in this story, except for the Latin Chorus, the 'Singing In Latin While I'm Killing You' theme, the four universal entities and myself.

* * *

Kanna goggled in fright as Walter trudged towards her with an evil grin. His legs and left arm had been chopped off, he was bleeding from a hundred wounds on his body, but he was alive for some reason.

He raised the submachine gun and fired at Kanna. She ducked and rolled over, one bullet scratching her left arm, her body exploding in sharp, momentary pain, as she rolled away from her assailant. She understood now how tired she was, how useless this whole struggle is, how Walter was going to win no matter what she tried and how much she strained herself…

AND WHY THE HELL DID THE UMBILICAL CORD DID NOT WORK!?

She stood up and glared at her Great Knife. It was broken in half. The woman threw it and cursed. She gazed at the spoon in her hand, then at Walter, then at the skies:

- Damn you, spoon! Damn you, Author! I won't die! I won't give up! DO YOU HEAR ME!!?...I…..WILL…..NOT….DIE!!!!

In a burst of helpless rage, she threw the spoon at Walter. And as impossible as it may have seemed, the chances to kill someone with a spoon from a distance of twelve feet were equal to 1,782 percent. However, destiny sometimes plays strange tricks on the mortal beings.

The spoon hit Walter in the carotid artery, sinking deeply in his neck. Walter let out a dying groan and collapsed.  
Silence….  
There was only Silence… in Silent Hill…  
Kanna was staring at the murderer she had just murdered. Moments later, everything darkened and turned pitch black…

* * *

…She awakened.

She stood up. There was sunlight flowing gently through the window.

Kanna blinked. The world outside this window… it was hers. She was looking at the bustling streets of Patch Village.  
Only one window was separating her from the outside world. Kanna clutched at the handle…

…but it did not open.

Her state of utter bliss was interrupted by the freezing realization something was terribly wrong. Sweat ran down her forehead. Kanna didn't pay much attention to the room she was in.

It was covered in blood and rust, except for the bed she was lying on and the window. The woman started to panic. She let out a desperate groan and wrapped her arms around her body. She felt like a little child…

There was someone else in the room. A girl with pink, shoulder-length hair reddish cat-like eyes. There were horns projecting from her head.  
She was nude.

Kanna frowned.  
- What are you? A stripper? Let me tell you that I'm not a lesbian, and the stripper club is three blocks away from here.

The girl kept staring at her.  
- And maybe you should put some clothes on.

There was something very disturbing in that girl's eyes…  
- Have you seen anyone around here? I've been wandering around this place for hours!

…There was something dark, terrifying, animalistic…  
- I'm looking for a guy with orange headphones and a dorky outfit. He grins all the time and has a nerdy samurai hanging around with him...

Then Kanna realized that the girl wasn't listening. She was just looking at her with a numb, zombie like gaze.

Kanna gulped.  
- Why are you looking at me?

The girl stared. A minute later, she turned her head around veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery slowly, and took a look at the wall behind her. There were no doors in the room. Then she turned back around eeeeeeeeeeeever so sloooooooooooooooowly, and spoke in a dull, eerie voice:

- You should go back… now...  
- I don't have a place to go back to! I'm locked in this damn building with nowhere to go!

The girl kept looking at her.  
- I can make you a way out of here. – She said softly.

Kanna blinked.  
- You can!?  
- Yes… but I won't do it for free. I want you to do me a favor.

Kanna frowned doubtfully.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Fifteen minutes later Kanna and the pink-haired girl came out of the room. There was a great, joyful smile on the girl's face, while Kanna had a frowning, bitter expression on her face, as if she had just eaten a whole lemon… or something worse. The nude girl looked at the wall, and an invisible force blasted through it, sending dust and rocks everywhere. The girl suddenly reeled forward, but Kanna's hand shot forward and grabbed her.

- Are you alright?  
- I'm fine… my legs were just tired.  
- No kiddin? – Kanna murmured gloomily. She had the need to wash her mouth with something.

The girl looked straight at the wall and an invisible wall blasted through it, leaving a giant hole in it. She pointed at the hole.

- Just go through that hole, you'll find your comrades soon enough. However, be careful, because there is a beast out there that seeks to destroy us all. Even I am powerless to stop _her_.

Kanna frowned even more:  
- Anna… Is she ever going to give up?

The girl nodded sadly. Kanna then looked at her.  
- By the way, before I go… can you tell me your name?

The pink-haired diclonius chuckled and said:  
- Just call me Lucy.

Kanna nodded. A smile ran quickly through her face, but it disappeared almost instantly. She strode through the hole. A moment before she disappeared in the darkness, Lucy waved a hand and yelled:

- Call me sometime!

Kanna was surprised to see Ashcroft, standing on the other side of the wall. He followed Kanna obediently through the same corridor Kanna had walked through a few hours ago.

A minute later she stopped abruptly when a terrifying realization swept over her.

- Of my God! – She uttered in terror. – I'm a lesbian!

And then a scream of sheer terror echoed not far away from her, in a room at the end of the corridor.

* * *

Everyone goggled at Anna.

The fact that she was considered a good character in the SK Anime didn't help to reduce their terror. The truth was that Anna was once an extremely evil entity. Heck, at first she was supposed to be the main antagonist in the manga and the anime, the one and only bad girl with the evil plan to take over the world, kill everyone and do other cliché stuff like these. But alas, Anna never expected that a womanish, egocentric emo faggot like Hao would get the primary role of the villain in this whole freakin anime. And so, she was limited to being a goody-goody, sometimes-moody-and-harsh good girl and the wife of probably the lamest person in the whole Anime universe that ever existed. At first she got really pissed, but eventually got used to the role and played along with it, but at the end of the Anime series, she got pissed once more and decided to go against the rules of Hyrouki Takei, her original creator, the directors of Shaman King, TheArchon and a shit load of other people who intended Anna to be a good character. When she first made appearance in this story, she was slightly more evil than usual, but as the story proceeded, she got more and more evil and demonic, slowly unveiling her true identity as Anna, the Demon-Girl from Hell. She was the cruelest, merciless and most malign person in the entire universe. Even the Lich King and Mandy from '_The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy'_ were innocent babies compared to the Evil that was Anna, which was something that deserved a bug-eyed expression for making Mandy look a ridiculously good character. Many species and worlds, scattered all over the Universe, have given Anna different names, each with a different, but eerie and foreboding meaning. For example, the people of the ancient race of the **Hlok'Plotorads** know her as _'Aku'maad dun-kelat garathioquefalip'_, which translated to English meant 'The evil thing that wreaks fire and kills everything in its sight'. Another species who named themselves '**The****Buzzing Bugasses'** call her '_Bzzzz-bz-bz-bz-bz- bzzzzz-bz'_, which means '_Exterminator to everything that breathes'_. Warcraft 3 Fans, who live in the distant corners of the universe, on a tiny planet known as Geekland, call her _'124d4zz b17ch wh0 0wn5 3v312y7h1ng'_, which translated in English means '_Badazz bitch who owns everything'_. Anna even comes from a completely different species, the Latin name of which is Homo Diabolus Demonica, something which can be described as a really, really evil species. The Four Universal Entities have branded her as an Ultimate Idiot, but one of the common characteristics of Anna is that is by all means not Stupid, a paradox to the statement of the Four Universal Entities and for great disappointment of the Stupid Flying Sheep.

And of course, because Anna was so damn evil, the first thing she did when she barged in Room 302, was to tear Lyserg's tiny balls off. The nancy boy screamed in agony, caused by his emasculation. Little did he know was that Anna did him a favor: he was far more attractive as a girl than he was as a boy.

Ryu screamed:

- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! SHE TORE LYSERG'S DICK OFF!!!!!!!

- Mwahahahahahahaahahahahahahaah!!!!!!!! – Anna laughed out evilly, not to mention that she had that burning flame in her eyes and was carrying a blood-stained Great Knife. – YOU ARE NEXT, DORKHAIR!

Ryu went bug-eyed:

- DORKHAIR!? – He exclaimed, moments before the great knife sliced through his greasy hairdo. However, the Great Knife got stuck in Ryu's hair, seeing as it was full of gel. Anna made an effort to pull the blade out of his hair, but it was in total vain.

Yoh saw that this was their only chance to escape. She took a loud breath and shouted:

- EVERYONE! MAKE A RUN FOR IT!!!!!!

The ghost of Jimmy Stone intervened:

- You run for the secret room in Room 302! We will distract her for a while!  
- Thanks, dude! – Horo said.  
- Good luck! – The haunting wished as the kids rushed towards the hole, leading to Walter's crucified corpse. He then looked at the evil Thing that was struggling to get It's weapon from Ryu's hair, which was something that even Jonny Bravo would be jealous of. He raised his finger in the air and all of the hauntings in the room stood still.

- Fellow hauntings!... – He shouted. The hauntings looked at Anna.

And then…

- ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!! – He shrieked at the top of his undead lungs and every – I mean EVERY – single haunting, including the cracks in the wall, the haunted picture of Silent Hill Church, the blood running from the tap, and even the zombie cat in the fridge, lunged towards Anna. They all tackled her, giving enough time for Ryu to escape, or at least shuffle out of the living room, with the Great Knife stuck in his hair.

* * *

**From the Author**: End of chapter! R&R like you always do, folks! 


	25. Part 2: Escape From Silent Hill

**Chapter Twenty Four, Part Two:** Escape From Silent Hill

There are many things which remain unexplained to mankind, such as… wait... What am I typing! OOPS! WRONG STORY! What I meant to say was that I don't own SK, SH, or anything and anyone mentioned in this story. Similarities of events or characters in this story to real celebrities are coincidental and are merely a figment. This IS NOT a propaganda against the USA Government or the president of the USA, George W. Bush. R&R when you're done reading… please!

* * *

Hao had already realized that he had involved himself in something that was far bigger than what he imagined. First of all, he was trapped in the twisted story of a mad writer who wished to show the entire world how stupid, weak and pathetic Hao was. And second… Anna was chasing him.

Now, some of you fellow readers will notice that the current events are irrelevant to the flow of the story witnessed in previous chapters, such as Kanna breaking through the wall and finding Hao and later appearing again lost in the corridors of Silent Hill, and Anna going after Yoh and now appearing right here, right now, with the intention to rip Hao's groins off, one of her many demonic hobbies and an activity she was an expert in. Well… I KNOW THAT! ALRIGHT!? I SCREWED UP! And now I'm gonna fix it all! Sorry for screwing up… sorry, sorry, sorry… Thank you all for being patient with me (bows down)… thank you, thank you, thank you…

The Asakura pyromaster ran against a wall for… let's see… eight-hundred and fifrty-sixth time?...and collapsed. He came by a second later to see Anna's evil figure approaching slowly in a stalking manner. She was more animalistic than the first time he had encountered her in the building.

Hao crawled up in a sitting manner, leaned against the wall, to watch with a horrified face as his demise was drawing near. Thoughts such as this raced through his head:

'No! No! No No No No No No Noooooooooo!!! I'm too young and beautiful to die!!! Well, I may be a thousand years older than any human on Earth, but I'm STILL beautiful! Or maybe I should've preferred the term 'Handsome'? What the hell, it's obviously the writer wants to make me a girl, for some reason it suits me better, lol! Did I just say 'lol'? WTF is wrong with me? OMG did I just say 'WTF'!?!?... Shit! I said 'OMG' and 'LOL'!...'

Anna was a few steps away from him. Hao's face was paler than snow.

'Why did this end up like that!? Where are all of my followers!? Am I never gonna get my revenge? Am I gonna spend the rest of eternity haunting this wretched place!?'

And just as Anna was about to raise her claws and tear his ass off, Hao made the decision to do what a lot of normal people would have done in his place a long, long time ago. After all, it was useless going against all of the clichés in the world, especially in a desperate situation such as this one.

He took a breath and screamed at the top of his lungs:

- HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!

His shriek echoed through the entire building. A support beam crumbled somewhere in the distance. Even the girl stopped, now with a WTF expression on her face.

And then…  
- Hao-samaaaaaaaa! – Ashil's voice came from somewhere.  
- Where are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu? – Machi called as well.

Three pairs of legs were running towards his position. Hao sighed in relief and smirked:  
- I don't think you'll have the time to do anything, bitch.

Anna smirked as well. And just before she left the room, she smashed her sandal in Hao's groins, resulting in a deafening, agonizing shriek, coming from Hao's mouth. Pleased with her success to cause some pain onto her enemy, the evil girl walked out of the room, leaving Hao curled up in a ball and sobbing.

Ashil, Machi and Peyote rushed in the room a minute later.

- Hao-samaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! – Machi yelled and wrapped her arms around the Asakura, choking him.  
- Machi, he can't breathe! – Ashil said and forced Hao out of the girl's grip. The pyromaster opened his mouth and breathed in and out, happy to feel the oxygen filling up his lungs. Moments later he felt alright, with the exception of the fading pain in his groins.

Peyote asked:  
- Hao-sama, where have you been all this time? We've been searching for you for an hour or so, but you seemed to have vanished.

Hao sat on the ground and leaned his head on his arms, which were placed on his knees. He groaned and answered:  
- I wish I knew what happened, Peyote. That madman, TheArchon, is playing tricks with me again.

Ashil rolled his eyes.

- Wouldn't it be a better idea if you forget about Yoh-sama and target that lunatic instead?  
- I told you not to call my brother 'Yoh-sama'!!! – Hao spat out with an angry mark on his temple.  
- Sorry.  
- This whole thing is starting to suck a lot… - Hao murmured. – When are we going to get out of here?... When are we going to get Yoh?... This place seems to be stretching for miles.

Hao stood up with a lot of groans and sighs, still feeling pain from his last experience with Anna, and to everyone's surprise he roared out in anger:

- I'M SICK AND TIRED WITH THIS!!! I WANT TO GET OUT!!!

…_want to get out…_

…_to get out…_

…_get out…_

…_out…_

…_out…_

…_t…_

- What was that!?

…_was that…_

…_s that…_

…_that…_

- I believe it's just your echo, Hao-sama. – Ashil explained patiently.

- There was no echo here before!!! – Hao growled caustically. – Someone's doing this right now!

The shaman turned against the darkness, where the echo was probably coming from, and screamed:

**- IS ANYBODY THERE!?**

…_IS ANYBODY THERE…_

…_ANYBODY THERE…_

…_BODY THERE…_

…_THERE…_

…_RE…_

**- THIS IS NOT FUNNY!!!**

…_THIS IS NOT FUNNY…_

…_IS NOT FUNNY…_

…_NOT FUNNY…_

…_FUNNY…_

…_NY…_

Hao stood silent with a gloomy mug on his face. He took a deep breath for a second time and yelled:

-** WHOEVER IS MAKING THAT GODDAMN ECHO IS A DICKLESS JACK-OFF RETARD WITH SHIT FOR BRAINS AND RICE BEANS FOR BALLS!!!!**

Silence…

…and more silence…

…and even more silence…

…and…

…._FUCK YOU BUDDY!!!..._

A vein (angry mark) popped on Hao's face and he shot out:

- AAAAAAAAAAAAHAH! GOTCHA NOW, YOU BASTARD!

And he raced off in direction of the echo.

- HAO-SAMA!!!!!!!! – Everyone yelled after their master who disappeared in the darkness.

Ten seconds later someone groaned and collapsed on the ground and the battles of a struggle were heard. Someone shrieked something similar to 'Let go of my hand, you moron!'. Ashil and the others found Hao lying over his twin brother, pinning him to the ground and bending his arm behind his back, and judging by the tormented expression on Yoh's face, he was in a lot of pain now.

Hao was smirking triumphantly.

- Gotcha now, Yoh! Now it's time for you to die! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAH….

Then Ren, Horo's ghost, the neutered Lyserg, the remains of the Lily Five and a limping one-legged Ryu with a Great Knife stuck in his hair, walked out of the darkness behind the struggling twins. The weight of the latter object was forcing him to bend his torso backwards. The whole outcome of his experience through Silent Hill was turning him into half-lamentable, half-hilarious picture, and a candidate for a next Silent Hill monster. If the Konami monster designers could see him, they would probably shit themselves out of happiness.

Everyone got alerted at Hao's presence.

- HAO! – Ren yelled and pulled out his Kwan-Dao in a lame-ass movie-cliché-manner, which seemed so out of place now. Hao frowned and scowled Ren:

- Keep your shorts up, emo boy, else you'll say goodbye to your privates like your girlfriend Lyserg.

Ren shot a quick glance at the now officially female Lyserg. The former boy now saw new perspectives in his sexual life. He winked playfully at the Tao and the latter's blood literally froze. Ren got so frightened at Lyserg's new behavior that he completely forgot about Hao, giving the pyromaster enough time to stand up, lifting Yoh by the neck and dragging him off, away from the others. Ashil, Machi and Peyote trailed after him nervously. When they caught up with him, he was grinning in idiotic evilness and clutching his twin, who had passed out in his hand.

- Hao-sama! What do we do now!? – Peyote exclaimed.

- Isn't it obvious!? – Hao snapped at him. – We get out of this crappy place and find a place where I can assra- … ugh, I mean _kill_ my twin in solitude!

- Wouldn't it be easier if we kill him here and then make a run for it? – Ashil suggested sarcastically. – He doesn't seem light to carry around.

- Just shut your mouth and keep moving! – Hao ordered. – I'll get this bitch out of here if it's the last thing I do!

Ashil snorted, cursed the Author of the story just out of habit and ran even faster, seeing as Ren, his green-haired girlfriend, the grotesque monster, formerly Ryu, but now known as the 'Idiot With Greasy Hair And Great Knife Stuck In It', in shortage 'IWGHAGKSIT', Horo Horo's stupid ghost and a pack of bitches 'n' hoes were chasing after them.  
Yup. Things couldn't get any better.

* * *

Tamao stood in front of the cell.

She looked at the sign next to the cell. It was big. Really big. It was fuckin _**HUGE**_, gawddamnit! Even an illiterate retarded hippy who was high on pot suffering from Parkinson's disorder, lumbago and pinkeye would probably get the idea that whatever was behind that cell _wasn't_ supposed to be released.

The sign was taking up most of the corridor. The words written on it were crimson red, drooling down the sign like blood. Just to make sure everyone sees the words, someone had put shiny flashing lights on it.

Tamao read the sign.

'_Do not open till X-mas! In fact, don't open it even then! Well, if I think about it, don't open it at all! Never! Do not release Da Evil Powas that are locked inside the cell! Else you'll get uber pwned by the n00b inside.'_

Tamao couldn't understand what the last sentence meant, but it was probably something bad.  
The girl neared the cell. She gazed at the impenetrable darkness inside. She couldn't see a damn thing. There were no sounds coming from inside the cell.  
She looked at the door. It was chained up with twenty-three chains and five padlocks. Whoever locked that cell certainly wanted it to remain locked.  
Tamao then looked at the file that was pinned against the wall next to the door. She picked it and investigated it carefully. It was the prisoner's file. The one that was locked inside this cell.

_**CELL**__**№4**_

_**Occupant**__: X (Classified)  
__**Danger**__**Level**__: 10 (Extremely High)  
__**Occupant**__**Since**__: 12 April, 1902  
__**Sentence**__**Expiring**__**Date**__: None (Life Sentence given)  
__**Crimes**__**Commited**__: See below in Biography  
_**_  
Prisoner__Biography_**_:  
_

_X was born and raised in France, Paris, in a trashcan by a rabid dog and a mad cow. At the age of 4 commiting the murder of a fat Nazi guy, a French homosexual and a jar of pickles. At the age of 8 X travels to the USA where he lives in Kansas for 3 months in a cornfield, forced to feed on raw corn. At the age of 9 X moves in the backyard of a Texas redneck and secretly feeds on his potatoes. At the age of 10 he learns the Secret of the Potato and starts making drugs from potatoes. At the age of 11 X builds his own house out of potatoes, invents a car made from potatoes, sleeps on a bed made of potatoes and filled with potatoes, eats potatoes, drinks potato juice, and goes to the toilet crapping potatoes and pissing potatoes, the latter activity being extremely questioning to the size and/or shape of his reproductive organs. At the age of 12, he is a billionaire and invests all of his money in potato industry and potato development. Shortly after an incident in his Potato Research Laboratory (PRL for shortage) the government discovers that Potatoes are being used as test subjects for the invention of new Potato-powered weapons, obviously five-thousand times more powerful that an atomic bomb and use them against the country. X is captured and imprisoned for life, but when World War I breaks out he is given amnesty and used for his skills in assassination and knowledge of potato warfare. Helping the USA army crush the German forces with his Potato robots and Potato Cyborgs, X is declared a hero and awarded with a Medal of Bravery and the unique Medal of the Potato. When World War II breaks out, he is sent with the mission to thwart the Nazi advance on Britain. After an unsuccessful attempt to assassinate the Fuhrer with a potato, he is ordered to be executed but all efforts to kill him are in vain, as X had implanted genetically modified potatoes under his skin that served as impenetrable shields. Imprisoned for life, he escapes the German prison 2 days after his imprisonment and sets out to destroy Berlin with a potato submachine and a potato flamethrower, the latter weapon being extremely effective against everything and anywhere, even in water. When World War II ends, he is left in the ruins of Berlin, uncontrollable and unstable, killing everything that gets in his way, even Allied soldiers. He is tranquilized and transported to the Pentagon where he is locked and sentenced for life. Now, please, don't ask me why the hell this cell appeared in here, seeing as X is locked in the Pentagon. Maybe the malicious demonic forces of Silent Hill had somehow moved the cell through time and space to here? Or maybe Silent Hill IS the Pentagon? What if they are amassing an army of genetically modified monsters to take over the world!? What if … naah, who gives a shit anyway? Just don't open the fuckin cell, else a lot of shit will happen, I sweat it!_

Tamao placed the file back on the wall and neared the cell. She grabbed the bars of the door and yelled:  
- Hello? Is anybody in there!?

Following every film cliché that was implanted in her puny brain, Tamao gazed in the darkness and yelled even louder, completely ignoring the huge sign above the cell and the file with all the scary crap that was written in there:  
- X! Is that what they call you!? Are you in there!?

There was silence for a while. Tamao was about to walk away from the cell, when a voice, dry as countless millennia, or perhaps as a dude who hadn't drunk water in a while, spoke:

- _Yes_…

Tamao gasped.

She did not know that she was about to release the most frightening creature known to mankind. She also didn't known that the creature locked inside this cell had the evilness, malice, demonic influence, diabolism, and devilish powers that Anna had. It was an equal of Anna, the Ice Queen Bitch. It was Evil that had existed before Time itself. It was as ancient as the core of the Universe.

It was nasty.  
It was terrifying.  
It was sadistic.  
It was merciless.  
And its name was…

…_**Timmy**_.

* * *

**From the Author:** MWAhahahahahahahaaaaaah! Here ends another scary and cryptic chapter of The Legend Lives Once Again! Expect the last part of Chapter Twenty Four coming soon, on :D 


	26. Part 3: Escape From Silent Hill

**Chapter Twenty Four, Part Three:** Escape From Silent Hill

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Shaman King, Elfen Lied and most of the stuff mentioned here. However, Timmy is mine. He's mine! **MINE**! ALL MINE! AND YOU CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT! Mwahahahaahahahahahahaaaah! He will pawn you all! N00bs! R&R Please!

* * *

_**Timmy**_! The ultimate catastrophe that has ever befallen the Earth! Locked beneath the Earth for one hundred years, he waited and waited there, planning his revenge on mankind and the entire world. And now he was back! Mwahahahahaahahahaaaaaaah… it is good to be evil, won't you agree, fellow reader?

Dr. Faust, the evil German necromancer and unofficial necrophile stopped at a fork in the road. The crimson corridor was splitting in two.

- Now _v_he_h_re _dz_e he_k_ _kh_ould T_h_amao be now? – He pondered with his vexing accent. It was more than enough to drive any nearby SH monster into uncontrollable frenzy, now imagine what it does to our simple-minded mortal heroes who are near him. Wheep, my fellow reader, weep like the wind! Ugh… I didn't just say that, did I? Never mind….

Faust stood up and beat the dust out of his clothes. He put his hands on his waist, almost like an angry housewife, and cursed:

- D_z_amn! I _v_as about to g_h_et laid! Und now dze path iz splitting in zwei! How khan thingz get any worze?

Well, kids, he asked for it. After all, he is a nasty pedophile, a necrophile, and a pathetic excuse for a doctor. AND he has that horrible German accent like some American who is sound-screening a fuckin Nazi soldier from Return to Castle Wolfenstein. And do you know what happens to bad people like Faust?

That'sright**! Mwahahahahahahahaaaah…**

The ground trembled, and soon started shaking violently. Faust turned around feverishly to see that a gigantic bowling ball was rolling at high speed right towards him. The man let out a girlish shriek and ran away like the little sissy he actually was.

A sign magically materialized near a wall. It was saying:

'Less talk, more runnin, NOOB!'

Faust sweat-dropped.

- Mein Gott! _Dz_e Author of _dz_is story hates me! – He wept out as he ran even faster to get away from the bowling ball, the manifestation of the unholy creature which was ME, the Author of this story!

* * *

In the meantime, Tamao and _**Timmy**_ (Bolding, Italicizing and Underlining his name is an obligation) were walking through the underground corridors of the Silent Hill warehouse, killing random critters and stray monsters that have crossed their path.

- You really are strong! – Tamao finally admitted with a smile on his face.

_**Timmy**_, a guy that looked like an ordinary kid with the size of Manta, grinned.  
- Thanks! Sometimes I don't know my own strength! – He said in a squeaky voice.

It was true that _**Timmy**_ wasn't a horrible giant with fifty-eight arms and legs, six-heads and angel wings that breathed fire through his anus and shooting laser-beams through his ears and nostrils. Though retaining the form of a normal human, _**Timmy**_ had the powers of a god! He could kill a whale with the snap of his fingers. He could destroy a building with a single sneeze. Wolves, polar bears, sharks, lions and aliens fled like scared rabbits from him. He could make Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris scream like little girls at the sight of him crossing the street. _**Timmy**_ was a pro WC3 player and the president of Utopia. _**Timmy**_ rules! _**Timmy**_ pwns! _**Timmy**_ is da man! _**Timmy**_ is the ultimate king of everything! _**Timmy**_ is my Hero! _**Timmy**_ is your Hero! _**Timmy**_ is-

-+-+-+-+-+-+-

SLAP!  
'WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY AND CONTINUE WITH THIS GODDAMN STORY!?'  
- Sorry!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-

Tamao asked:  
- Do you know how we can get out?  
- Of course! – _**Timmy**_ answered with a grin. – We can escape from anywhere at anytime!

Tamao went bug-eyed.  
- HOW SO!? – She exclaimed.

_**Timmy**_ pointed at a wall. It immediately crumbled due to his awesome powers, letting the sunlight and fresh air fill the corridor! Tamao breathed in the life coming from outside and felt relieved for once. She was free!

- _**Timmy**_-_**sama**_, can I ask you of a favor?

The almight _**Timmy**_-_**sama**_ nodded.

- Can you please help Yoh-sama and the others escape as well? I think they may be in grave danger!

_**Timmy**_ closed his eyes.  
Using his supersonic telepath ultra-omnipotent-omniscient hypervision, _**Timmy**_ saw Hao, carrying Yoh's lifeless body, being chased by a bunch of bitches 'n' hoes and an 'IWGHAGKSIT'. A second later he opened his eyes and declared heroically:

- Yoh-san is being taken by his evil twin brother! He is facing certain doom!

Tamao gasped, obligated to uphold the infamous movie clichés of the helpless bitch… ugh, I mean lady, who could only stand aside, watch and scream in joy or terror, encouraging the heroes to keep fighting Da Evil Forces.

_**Timmy**_ raised a hand in the air and yelled:  
- LET'S GO!

And they disappeared in flashy lights and other expensive special effects.

* * *

Hao was panting and gasping for air. He should have lost weight when he had the chance. His minions were tired as well. And to make things worse, the pack of bitches 'n' hoes were about to catch up with them.

He frowned. Then Hao yelled:  
- STOP!

His minions stopped as commanded. Hao turned around with a determined expression on his face, followed by Peyote, Machi and Ashil. He dropped Yoh on the ground and raised a fist in the air.

A sadistic, demonic expression swept across his face. He screamed out, the echo ringing across the Universe dramatically:  
- SPIRIT OF CACTUS!!!

Ren and the others froze still at Hao who was about to reveal his dreaded Oversoul.

Now, with the corny battle music playing, a red flame popped above his palm, and a coil of mystic fire swirled around it. His followers backed away from his awesomeness and stared in awe. Now was the time for Hao to laugh out evilly.

Hao laughed out evilly:  
- Mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaah!

(sweat-drop)

- Do you idiots know what I hold in my hand!? – He asked magnificently. Ren and the other shook their heads. Hao smirked.  
- BEHOLD! – And the green fire reshaped in the form of a grinning cactus with ridiculously large prickles.

Everyone sweat-dropped. Even Peyote, who loved his falled cactus comrade more than his own mother, sweat-dropped. The Reader fell over.  
- The Almighty Cactus! – Hao roared triumphantly, as if just having that little spirit in his hands was automatically making him victorious.

A dramatic collective gasp escaped everyone's mouths.  
- YES! And if you get any closer, I will use it's magnificent power to crush you all!

The other shamans trembled like the weaklings they were supposed to be.

Peyote raised a finger edifyingly and added:  
- Not to mention the **Infamous Cactus Dance of Doom**!

A Latin chorus echoed through the building. The voices of a hundred tenors faded away five seconds later, followed by dead silence.

Everybody looked around carefully.  
- Did you hear something? – Ren asked.  
- That sounded like a Latin chorus. – Ashil pondered over the recent event.

Hao frowned. He stated complacently:  
- It doesn't matter! What really IS important right now is that I have _**The Grand Power Of The Unholy**_ Cactus and I-

The Latin chorus rang out again thundered out like some cliché messengers of the Apocalypse. Hao got an angry mark on his temple.  
- That's becoming _really ANNOYING_! – He grumbled with depleting patience.

Peyote nodded humbly.  
- Great powers come with great responsibilities, Hao-sama. You probably know that already…

Hao cocked his eyebrows.  
- No, I don't know that! Don't give me that lame proverb from 'Spider-Man', Peyote, I'm fuckin sick and tired of lame movie-

A wall exploded near Hao. To everyone's amazement and surprise two girls leaped out of the wall. They both had pink hair and cat-like ears projecting from their skulls. The older girl was completely nude, resulting in the nosebleed from every single male creature in the room. Hao had already lost half of his blood through his nose when the two girls grabbed him from both sides and started pulling at him.

- I want him! – The younger girl yelled as she tugged violently at his left arm.  
- Mariko, let go! I saw him first! – Lucy, the older girl yelled as she pulled the right one.  
- No, he's mine! I deserve him!  
- Get lost, brat! Hao-sama is mine!  
- No, he's mine!  
- No' he's _mine_!  
- No, _mine_!  
- No, _**mine**_!  
- Mine!  
- Mine!  
- Mine!  
- Mine!  
- MINE!  
- _MINE_!!  
- **MINE**!!!  
- _**MINE**_!!!!  
- MINE!!!!!  
- MINE, I SAID!!!!!!

Hao was crying in happiness that there was someone alive on this planet who would willingly become his fan. He was even happier that these two gorgeous girls, one of them naked, were fighting over him. The only little, tiny thing that bothered him now, in this moment of utter bliss, was the fact that he was about to be dismembered any moment now. Then suddenly Mari burst through another wall and clutched at Hao's left foot. Everyone around her gaped and sweat-dropped.

- What do YOU want!? – The two diclonius girls snarled in unison.  
- I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM ONE LAST TIME BEFORE I KILL HIM! – Marion yelled out loud.

Everyone, except for the girls fighting over Hao, fell over.  
Lucy and Mariko went bug-eyed:

- WHAT!? I WON'T LET YOU KILL HAO-SAMA!!! – Lucy roared.  
- YES! I AM THE ONE WHO IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX WITH HAO-SAMA, NOT YOU!!!! – Mariko complained.  
- WHAT!? – Lucy and Mari shrieked.  
- Let go, he's mine! – Mariko said.  
- No, he's mine! – Marion stated.  
- No! MINE! – Lucy insisted.  
- MINE!  
- MINE!  
- MINE!

Then Machi grabbed Hao's last free limb.  
- KEEP YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF HAO-SAMA!!! – She yelled furiously. – HE WON'T BE HAVING SEX WITH ANY OF YOU!!!

The trio of fan girls glared at her.  
- Precisely! – Machi declared proudly. – ONLY I WILL HAVE SEX WITH HAO-SAMA!

Ashil burst out in tears:  
- Machi! NO! NOOOOOOO! – He collapsed on the ground and tugged at his hair. - WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!? Aren't you satisfied with me!?

- No, Ashil! – Machi snapped. – You're a good boyfriend, but you suck in bed!

Peyote burst out in laughter at his younger comrade's humiliation. Ashil's face was made from stone: it was hard, grey and lifeless. The only exception was the waterfall of tears gushing out his eyes. ( T.T )

- MINE!  
- MINE!  
- MINE!  
- MINE!

Everyone stared with jaws hanging, eyes large as dinner plates and sweat-drops with the size of a tree at the show in front of them, hesitant whether they should laugh, cry or throw pop-corn at the actors. Hao was now happier than a sack of fried potatoes, and just as he was about to get completely dismembered…

* * *

…A giant bowling ball burst through the wall, with Faust VIII leading the race of life and death, and broke through the opposite wall of the room, while screaming something incoherently in German.

And to top it all up, Tamao and the almighty, magnificent, super-powered _**Timmy**_-_**sama**_ materialized in the center of the room. The girls stopped fighting over Hao and gazed at _**Timmy**_, immediately mesmerized by his awesomeness.

- LOOK EVERYONE! IT'S _**TIMMY**_-_**SAMA**_! – Lucy screamed in joy as she let go of a hapless Hao's arm.  
- HURRY! LET'S GO KISS HIS SHOES BEFORE HE RUNS AWAY!!! – Mariko yelled.

Everyone let out a collective gasp, then lunged at _**Timmy**_, as he was the ultimate epitome of everything.  
The only one who was left behind was a nearly-dismembered Hao, who was struggling to get up. When he got on his feet he shrieked:

- HEY! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!? I WOULD LIKE A LITTLE ATTENTION, PLEASE!!!!!

However, everyone was far too busy kissing _**Timmy-sama's**_ feet and touching his awesome body to hear the pyromaster's desperate yells. He was left with a hanging jaw and an expression of utter defeat.  
Yoh then came by and saw the scene before him. He silently attempted to sneak away from Hao, but the _**Grand Power Of The Unholy Cactus **_pinned him to the ground with a giant prickle.

- STAY WHERE YOU ARE! – Hao roared. – I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE!

He strode towards _**Timmy**_, who wasn't even trying to get away from the melee around him, and growled:  
- HEY, YOU!

Everyone stopped fighting and looked at Hao.

- Just what the hell do you think you are doing!? You barge in out of nowhere and fuckin steal all the attention, awe and fangirls that were meant for me!! For fuck's sake, you didn't even exist in the past two chapters, while I am the main character of this story! I am also the main antagonist of this whole fuckin Anime and I DEMAND to receive the attention I deserve by birthright!

Silence. Then:

- Nerd. – Tamao said.  
- Loser. – Lucy spat out.  
- Get lost, geek! – Mari said.  
- Yeah! Go play your goddamn Warcraft somewhere else! – Sharona hissed.

Everyone yelled and screamed at him, till Hao finally got fed up wit hall of this crap and exploded:

- THIS IS NOT FAIR! AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE WARCRAFT!!! I WAS AN ORIGINAL CREATION OF HIROYUKI TAKEI, I AM A POWERFUL PYROMASTER AND AN ONMYUJI AND I HAVE EXISTED SINCE EVER SINCE SHAMAN KING MANGA SHOWED UP, AND NOW I GET TO BE REPLACED BY SOME HALF-SIZED BRAT WHIT THE POWERS OF A GOD NAMED TIMMI!? I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS ANYMORE!

He pulled out the SoC and Oversouled it in his right glove.  
- You there! He who calls himself _**Timmy**_! Get over here and fight me if you have the guts to do so!

Everyone stared at Hao in stunned, frightened silence. Then _**Timmy**_ pushed the crowd aside and stepped forward, really really heroically and magnificently, which was something that suited him, of course, as he was the ultimate epitome of everything.  
- WHAT!? YOU ARE ON HIS SIDE, TOO!? – Hao screamed like an idiot.  
- HEY! DON'T DEPICT ME AS AN IDIOT, YOU MORTAL IDIOT! I WILL BURN YOUR ASS IF YOU KEEP DOING THAT!

Yeah, whatever, jackass. Keep flaming and screaming. You are going to get owned by _**Timmy**_ pretty soon.

_**Timmy**_-_**sama**_ spoke with his brilliant voice:  
- You should know that I am the most powerful creature in the Universe. I don't want to fight you, but you are standing in my way…

- Enough crap! – Hao snapped and leaped in the air. The Grand Power Of The Unholy Cactus whirled around his hand, reformed in the shape of a gigantic prickle and lunged itself, along with Hao, towards _**Timmy**_-_**sama**_, with Hao letting out a fierce war cry. In this climatic battle of Gods, someone was going to fall and never rise again. A battle of honor, valor, bravery, strength of the spirit, valiance, bravery, power, skillfulness, mind power, cunning, bravery, pride and… did I mention bravery?

_**Timmy**_-_**sama**_ stretched forth his index finer at Hao.

- HAH! – He laughed out maniacally. – What can you do with that finger of yours!?!?

POOF!

And Hao's giant prickle was turned into a giant potato. Everyone fell over. Hao was so owned from _**Timmy**_ 'handing his ass to him, bitch' that he fell over from the potato and hit the ground, hurting himself seriously and losing a lot of blood for half a second.

- Still not fair! –Hao hissed with depleting powers. – I should be the Hero! Not you! The Author is just abusing his rights so that he can make fun of me and amuse all those pathetic losers who want to see me dead and crushed!

- The only loser here… - _**Timmy**_-_**sama**_ drawled as he approached Hao with a dark expression. Hao froze as _**Timmy**_ fixed him with cold eyes, telling him that his demise was at hand.  
- …Is you!

KA-BOOOOOOM!!!!

Everyone turned around as a wall crumbled for a fifth time (it's curious how the ceiling hadn't crumbled upon them yet, isn't it?) and from the hole of it walked out…

…

…

…

**_Anna_**.

_**Timmy**_'s expression froze.

- ANNA!? – He babbled out and to everyone's horror, he backed away with a terrified mug. He tripped. Everyone gasped as one. Hao grinned evilly.

- Anna! You're just in time! – He commended her as she walked towards _**Timmy**_. – Go and teach this amateur a lesson to respect the AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!!

She had planted her foot in his genital area, silencing him. Hao collapsed on the floor with excruciating moans escaping his mouth. Anna pulled out her Great Knife out of nowhere and **CHOPPED **_**Timmy**_**-**_**sama's**_** head off!**

The entire Universe screamed:

- _**NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

And among the flames of this catastrophe, as the greatest creature that ever existed had perished, Anna, the Ultimate Ice Queen Bitch, rose up, as if from the pits of Hell, and laughed out like the Devil:

- Mwhahahaahahahah! FOOLS! MY POWER CANNOT BE DENIED! NOW YOU SHALL ALL PERISH!!!!!!

As everyone trembled before her wrath, Hao crawled away from Anna, Oversouled for one last time and approached the wall. He destroyed it one flick of the hand. Through the hole in this wall, sunlight shone upon Hao's desperate face.  
He had found the exit!

- Everyone! Hurry! Go through the hole! – He commanded them. Everyone charged through the hole in the wall and into the outside world. Kanna and Ashcroft broke through a wall (yet again) and ran after the retreating group.

- HAO-SAMA! YOH-SAMA! Wait for me! – They ran pass Anna and disappeared in the blinding light.

Anna frowned and roared:

- IDIOTS! You can't escape my vengeance!!!

Just then a screaming Faust VIII jogged pass her and went through the hole. Anna turned around and saw a giant bowling ball, rolling after Faust. Unfortunately, she was in its way.

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH! – She screamed.

* * *

And so everyone finally escaped from Silent Hill and returned to the Real World where they could live their normal lives happily… OR COULD THEY!?

Wait a minute…  
…are we…  
…forgetting about someone?...

- HELLOOO!? – A voice echoed through the abandoned building. – IS ANYBODY OUT THERE!?

There was a sack of potatoes wriggling and shaking near Walter's corpse.

- _Will somebody untie this sack!? It's getting really hot in here and I can't breathe!_ – James yelled, unaware that there was no one left to hear him.

* * *

**From The Author**: I'm in mourning! (TT) I was forced to kill the best character yet. Please, Timmy, forgive me! Let your soul rest in peace… 


	27. Pyrophile

**Chapter Twenty Five**: Pyrophile

**From** **The** **Author**: I forgot to give credits to **Rinnian** for giving the nice idea to make Lucy and Mariko fight over Hao in the last chapter. Thanks again! ;) By the way, I forgot to Bold, Italicize and Underline "_**Timmy**_-_**sama's**_" name in the last lines of that chapter! T.T Forgive me, all of ou _**Timmy**_-_**sama's**_ fans! I'm just a mere mortal who wants to write funny stories! T.T

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Shaman King, Silent Hill or Dexter's Lab!

**Warning**: Mild sketchily depicted sexual intercourse following.

* * *

You know… I think we forgot about some other people as well… 

Manta and Chocolove were still hanging from that damn tree. The super short midget was wrongfully accused of being part of Yoh's adultery towards Anna, while the pathetic excuse for a comedian next to him was accused of telling too many stupid jokes in the wrong time. Manta wasn't crying anymore; he got tired of mourning over his fate after he had spent half an hour listening to Chocolove's horrible lack of sense of humor. The puns were the worst part of it all. Manta even attempted to push Chocolove off the branch where he was hanging by his underwear when Manta said: 'I'm sick of this shit!' and Chocolove answered: 'I'm stick to this slit!'.

And now, Manta, a shell of his former pathetic self, planned how to get down from this tree, brutally murder Chocolove, overthrow the judges, find and kill Anna, then take over the entire world. You see what idiotic jokes can do to your mind, kids!? Stay away from idiots like Chocolove-san here or you'll end up starting World War III!  
An idea crossed through Manta's head. The Anime version of Dexter broke a dried up branch near him and with the help of his shoelaces, teeth and a pebble he found in his pocket he constructed a thirty-meter long ladder. He climbed down the ladder and walked towards a random saw-mill that happened to be nearby. Two minutes there he returned, carrying a lumberjack's axe that was eight times his size and chopped off the tree where Chocolove was ganging from, despite Chocolove's protests. The idiot was crushed and killed instantly. And now that Manta had drawn first blood, he stalked away, determined to extract his vengeance on the morons who put him on that tree and take over the Universe.

* * *

Now, seeing as this probably won't be very relevant to the events that happened in the last chapter, let us ignore Manta and the possibility that the world might be destroyed or conquered by a pissed off midget, and return to the heroes in this chapter. 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! No! I'm not talking about _**Timmy-sama**_! He died! He died because The Ultimate Ice Queen Bitch was too jealous to admit that he was far too powerful than her! She will pay for it, I promise, dude!

The people I was referring to were Hao and his group of minions. The pyromaster was glowering at them furiously because they had deceived and abandoned him minutes ago. The three of them were staring at the ground with the guilty expressions of little children who had broken the windows of the classroom.

- We're sorry, Hao-sama. – The trio muttered in unison.  
- **_Timmy_** distracted us with his evil powers. – Machi complained.  
- Yes, there was nothing we could do to stop his malicious influence. – Ashil added.

Hao was still glaring at them with a twitching eyebrow and a fierce mug on his face.  
- We are not even half as strong as you, Hao-sama, let alone to battle Timmy himself!

Ashil and Machi gritted their teeth and prepared for a furious roar when Hao took a deep breath. Peyote turned pale.  
- **ARE YOU SAYING THAT THAT LITTLE PRICK WAS STRONGER THAN ME, PEYOTE!??!!?!?!?**

Peyote saluted, bowed and fell on his knees, all three actions did at the same time.  
- NO, HAO-SAMA! Never! I believe in your strength and resolution!

Hao grunted. Ashil snickered nervously, fiddled his fingers in a boot-licking way and suggested:  
- Hao-sama, haven't we proven our loyalty to you countless times in the past?

The pyromaster brooded for a few seconds and answered passively:  
- Nope. You haven't. Actually, I remember many times when you've mocked me, humiliated me, ruined me and attempted to steal my underwear, though I can't be absolutely sure about the last part.

Machi sweat-dropped:  
- Hao-sama, you don't wear any underwear. Everybody knows that!

Hao, Ashil and Peyote stared at Machi. She spread her arms in despair and babbled out:  
- WHAT!? I've said it before, haven't I!? _EVERYBODY_ knows that Hao-sama doesn't wear any underwear… ever!

Hao cocked an eyebrow in vexation.  
- Well, Machi, I usually put some underwear on only during the holidays.  
- Like Christmas and Easter? – Ashil inquired.  
- Yes. And I also put on socks on my birthday. – Hao added with a dreamy smile on his face. He was about to reminisce when a loud explosion was heard from the warehouse they had just left.  
- That was Anna. – Hao said seriously. – She will come after us pretty soon.  
- Hao-sama, what are we going to do!?!?!? – Machi panicked. Her master raised a appeasingly and answered:  
- No need to fear, my dear underling. I have already devised a plan how to dispose of Anna for good.

The girl brightened up.  
- You have!? – She asked unbelievingly.

Hao nodded.  
- Yes. We will burn down the warehouse.  
- Brilliant idea, Hao-sama! – Ashil added servilely. – Not only that we will vanquish Anna, but we will also seal the entrance to Silent Hill once and for all!

Hao nodded in complacent, though he hadn't thought about the 'Silent Hill' part.  
- Ugh… Hao-sama… - Peyote drawled. – How are we going to burn down the warehouse?

Hao snorted.  
- Heheh… with fire, of course! Don't ask stupid questions, Peyote!  
- But Hao-sama, the Spirit of Fire has abandoned you a long time ago!

Though Hao tried to remain cool, everyone noticed the angry note in his voice:  
- And just what does the Spirit of Fire has to do with anything of my plan, Peyote?  
- But the Spirit of Fire can UGH!

Ashil had silenced Peyote with a surgical hit in the ribs. Hao smiled in content and said:  
- I suggest we move faster, seeing as Anna won't just stay in there and allow us to burn the warehouse on top of her.

They nodded and ran towards the building. For Hao's surprise, the hole was blocked by all sorts of wooden junk and stone. Part of the building had obviously collapsed, blocking the exit to the outside.

- What do we do now? – Peyote asked.  
- We make another entrance, of course! – Hao said.  
- Is all of this _really_ necessary? – Ashil inquired.  
- Yes! – Hao insisted and Oversouled his spirit into his right glove and used it to break through the wall. Once inside, Hao was happy to see that Anna was not around.  
- Alright. – He started. – Does anyone have a lighter?

The trio shook their heads.  
- Well what about matches?

Silent shaking of heads. Hao frowned.

- I guess Kanna was the only smoker in my group. Too bad she's not here right now. – He murmured and kicked a pebble with his foot. He then saw two dry sticks, lying on the floor. He got a brilliant idea.

- Look! – He pointed at the sticks. – Dry sticks!

Ashil, Machi and Peyote scrutinized the ordinary-looking sticks.  
- Yes, Hao-sama? – Ashil spoke at last.

- I have a brilliant idea! – He declared with a finger pointing in the air. The shaman stated victoriously: - I WILL USE THE STICKS TO LIGHT A FIRE!!!!!

Silence. Then Ashil spoke in surprise:  
- Hao-sama, you can't be serious! It will take days for you to light that fire!

Hao flared up:  
- ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I AM AN INCOMPETENT AND IGNORANT RETARD WHO CAN'T LIGHT A SIMPLE FIRE BY THE MOST PRIMITIVE WAY KNOWN TO MANKIND!?!?!?!?

Ashil, who had backed away a few feet, murmured from a saver distance:  
- Of course not, Hao-sama!  
- Good!

Hao grabbed the two sticks and rubbed them together. The boy, the girl and the Mexican sat on a collapsed support beam and waited…

FIVE HOURS LATER

…and waited…

TEN HOURS LATER

…and waited…

ONE DAY LATER

…and waited…

TWO DAYS LATER

…and waited…

ONE WEEK LATER

…and waited. Ashil glared furiously at Hao, who had grown a beard and was still rubbing the two sticks together with a bloodthirsty determination and bloodshot eyes. The kid was about to stand up and complain when a spark came out of the two sticks and lit a small fire on the ground, covered in broken planks and dust.

- You do realize that the fire will burn out in a matter of minutes with so little to burn, right? – Ashil said discouragingly while Hao was dancing and screaming 'Hurray!' with all of his voice. The Asakura stopped dancing, sat down and mulled for a few seconds. Then he announced cheerfully:

- Then we'll fuel it with paper and other stuff like that!

Ashil frowned and murmured something gloomily under his nose. Peyote suddenly added:  
- Hao-sama, I have a whole can with gasoline here!

Hao's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates.

- WHERE!?  
- Right here, Hao-sama! – The Chilean said and pulled out a can with gasoline from beneath his poncho.  
- You've actually been carrying around a can of gasoline this whole time!? – Machi exclaimed and tugged at her hair for no reason whatsoever. Hao waved a hand.  
- Forget that! Now we have the fuel to create the conflagration we need to destroy Anna!  
- That is if she is still in here. – Ashil muttered pessimistically. – We've been slacking around here for a whole week.

Hao glowered at Ashil and scolded him:  
- Don't ruin the team, Ashil! Play along!

Ashil, who has never been good at games, just nodded gloomily and kept silent. Peyote spilled gasoline all over the place and around the fire. They went out just as the fire ignite the trail of gasoline and set the whole place on fire.

The group watched the warehouse burn in the sunny afternoon. Ashil was still sulky, Machi and Peyote were watching happily the building on fire and Hao was staring right into the flames in an enthralled way.

A minute later Ashil broke the silence and murmured to Machi:  
- Ugh…Machi…

The girl looked at him. He diverted his eyes guiltily.  
- Ugh… you're still my girlfriend, right?

The girl blinked, then wandered off her gaze and drawled hesitantly.  
- Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell…

Ashil flared up:

- What the hell's this supposed to mean!? Either you are or you're not!  
- Calm down! I was just kidding! – She patted him cheerfully with her broom.  
- Though you hurt my feelings back then. – He complained ruefully to her.  
- Don't worry, baby! – She hugged him tightly and kissed him softly. – When we get home, you'll have plenty of time to practice in bed!

Ashil let out a snicker of rising hope. Things weren't turning out so bad on him after all.

Peyote glanced at his master, who was still staring in the conflagration.  
- Hao-sama, are you alright?

The pyromaster murmured:  
- Spirit of Fire…

The Mexican looked at him anxiously.  
- Spirit of Fire… I miss him. – Hao uttered.

Peyote kept staring in a dumbfounded way.

- He was so big… and powerful… and strong… and hot… - Hao was talking in a hypnotized manner. The memories of his former spirit ally were rushing back to him, awakening an urgent need deep within his body…  
- Spirit… of… Fire… He was so hot… so fuckin hot… and so fuckin… sexy…

Peyote's eyes widened:  
- Hao-sama! What are you talking about!?

But his master wasn't listening. He suddenly charged towards the building on fire. Ashil and Machi saw this and screamed:

- HAO-SAMA! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

Hao plunged in the raging fires and disappeared. His minions ran to the entrance of the building but dared walk no further, as the interior had become an inferno.

- Hao-sama! – Peyote screamed.  
- It's no use… - Machi uttered sadly. – He won't come out.

The other two gazed at her.  
- What are you saying? Why the hell did he charge in there in the first place!?

Then a yell was heard from inside:

- AAAAAAAAAAAGH!! OH, SHIT, IT'S HOT! YEAH, BABE, JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT! YEEEEEEAHH! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

The moans erupting from inside were from Hao, but he was sounding like some porn star from a cheap porn movie. Machi and Ashil blushed.  
- Did you hear what I think I just heard? – Peyote babbled in shock.  
- It's just as I feared. – Machi gasped while gritting her teeth. Ashil looked at her.  
- What?! – He insisted.  
- Hao-sama… is a _pyrophile_.

The Latin chorus moaned out forebodingly. Then it was gone, leaving the trio outside the fire to look around confusedly.  
- Did you just hear something? – Peyote pondered. Ashil was about to answer when more moans came from inside:

- OOOOH, YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! OH, BABE!!! OH, NO! NO! NO!!! AAAAAAGH, SHIT! MY WEANER! OH, YOU BITCH, YOU LIKE IT ROUGH, DON'T YOU!? WELL, I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU TRAMP!

Peyote's jaw was hanging. Ashil asked:  
- What did you mean by 'pyrophile'?

Machi snorted:  
- Isn't it obvious? Just like there are homophiles, there are homophobes. And there are pyromaniacs and pyrophobes.  
- A pyrophobe is a person who is afraid of fire?... – Ashil murmured thoughtfully. – Interesting… - Then a terrifying enlightenment swept across him. – So that mean…  
- Yes! – Machi confirmed. – Hao-sama is a person who has sex with fire!

More Latin chorus. Everyone glanced around confusedly. The nifty kid spat out:  
- Crap! Where is that Latin chorus coming from!?

- BOOOOOOOOYEAAAAH! OH, BABE! OH, MOTHER OF GOD, THAT FEELS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOD! YEAH, DO IT TO ME LIKE THAT! JUST LIKE THAT! JUST – LIKE – THAT!!!!

- How the hell is a man supposed to have sex with fire!? – Peyote exclaimed.  
- I don't know. – Machi shrugged. – I suppose it's the same way you guys do it with everything else: you just put your thing in it and move forth and back…

Ashil and Peyote's face were frozen stiff. They were afraid to imagine Hao doing this kind of thing.  
- We must get him out! – Ashil exclaimed and rushed inside the warehouse. Peyote and Machi followed him in a hurry.

They found Hao in the midst of raging flames, completely naked. He was moaning and gasping and doing this particular movement with his hips that Ashil had to practice more and harder from now on. He grabbed Hao, who had turned pitch black from all the ashes, and was dragged out of the building to safety.

- Why the hell did you do that for!? – He protested when they got him outside. – I was having the greatest time in my life and YOU had to ruin it!!

Ashil scowled at him:  
- We just did you a favor, Hao-sama, by saving your manhood for a better target.

Hao looked down between his legs.  
- Well… it could've been worse. – He admitted and collapsed on the grass unconscious.

* * *

**From The Author:** Well, so much for Hao's fun. :) Next Chapter: _'All Hell Breaks Loose'_


	28. All Hell Breaks Loose

**Chapter Twenty Six**: All Hell Breaks Loose

I'm bored. Seriously bored. And lazy. I have this other fic I gotta finish but I'm too lazy to keep up with it. Bad. Really bad, I guess. I'm sick, and this sickness is called Laziness. Well, time to get a grip on myself and get a life!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King. No offence towards Hitler, rappers, skinheads or emos. Everything here is to make you laugh.

* * *

Manta had now become public enemy #1. He had beaten up sixty-eight people so far, just because they'd called him short. Of course, none of them has learned the painful lesson they had just received from a boy with the size of a bean who was beating them with a chair on the head and screaming 'DON'T CALL ME SHORT!', because right now they were attending to a very special ceremony: their own funerals.

Manta discovered that he had the talent to persuade other people to follow his orders by screaming furiously at them and socking them with wet socks and chairs on the head. He had already gathered a formidable group of mindless zealots, fearsome thugs and other evil scum that were his underlings, consisting of eight skinheads, a retired sergeant from the US Military, three gypsies, a Columbian drug dealer, three West Side rappers, an old fart with a walking-stick, a mutated potato monster and, of course, Bob, the person who held the significant post of the Village Idiot of Patch.

Manta, now known as Hitler Reborn, climbed up a ladder leading to his platform, frowned menacingly and screamed:

- WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS MICROPHONE!? IT'S TALLER THAN ME!?

Someone brought Hitler Reborn a chair. Then they brought him a ladder which he used to climb up the chair and stand on it. Then he grabbed the microphone, started slamming his fist against the platform and screaming fanatically:

- SONS OF MY REICH, LISTEN! WE WILL BEGIN A FULL-SCALE CAMPAIGN TO TAKE OVER THIS VILLAGE! OUR ARMY IS UNDEFEATABLE! OUR SPIRIT IS UNBREAKABLE! REMEMBER! WE WILL NOT LOSE! WE ARE UBER ALLES! YOU ARE THE PURE RACE!

He stuck his hand out and yelled  
- SIEG HEIL!

The mighty army of Hitler Reborn raised their right hands in the Nazi salute and yelled back:  
- SIEG HEIL!

Did I mention that now Manta had that that funny Fuhrer moustache and hair?

* * *

Far away from the place the Nazis were planning their war of world domination, Hao was scratching his eyebrows. He enjoyed scratching his eyebrows. It was relaxing him. It was the second greatest thing in the world after destroying humans and their corrupted cities with the Spirit of Fire, who was, alas, gone forever.  
Hao was also tied from head to toes in bandages. Though having sex with fire was the third greatest thing in the world for him, it had dire effects on his whole body, especially his manhood.

Ashil placed the urn containing the ashes of Hao's member on a table. The pyromaster was sobbing and blubbering over the lost of his most precious tool.

Machi sat next to him and placed a hand on his shivering fist.

- Don't be too sad, Hao-sama. – She comforted him. – Living without sex has its good points.

Hao raised his gaze at the girl. She smiled happily and spoke enthusiastically:

- Spending the rest of your life without sex will get you to a whole new spiritual and mental level. You will be able to see things beyond their corporal values and finally comprehend the true meaning of life!

She nodded at Peyote.

- Take a look at him, Hao-sama; he has never had sex in his whole fuckin life, and yet, he is still happy and satisfied. He is a stoner, an idiot who has weed for brains and likes to jack-off while watching Animal Planet, but he has found the meaning of life! _HIS_ true meaning of life!

The girl looked directly in his eyes:

- Hao-sama, when something terrible happens to a person, all he must do is get over it! He must get over it, get a grip on himself, fix the mistakes he has made, and just keep going, NOT sit on his ass and wet himself in tears! Life goes on, no matter what happens to you! You mustn't let it slip away!

Hao was silent. Machi's smile got even broader. The Asakura looked at Peyote, who had stuck his index finger in his nose and searching for buggers. He then looked back at the smiling Machi.  
Then he burst out in bitter tears louder than before and whined out:

- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY PENIS! MY PRECIOUS PENIS!!! GONE FOREVER!

Ashil somberly tied a black band around the urn. It had a R.I.P. sign, and below it two numbers: 14 and 42. The _first_ number was its age.

* * *

Anna, the Ice Queen Bitch from Hell, rose from the ashes of the destroyed warehouse and roared out furiously:

- HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The earth shook furiously like an earthquake had just taken place. In fact, it was a million times worse.

- You fool! Because of you, Yoh has escaped!!!! I'm tired of these games!!!

The fingers of her hands stretched furiously, pointing at the ground. A demoniacally green light flashed from her eyes and the evil forces of Hell whirled around her in the form of a deadly cloud.

- Yoh is no longer my enemy! – Satan's daughter shrieked. – Hao is my new target!

The earth trembled again. Then the ground tore asunder in front of her. Flames and smoke came from the deep canyon in front of Anna. A swarm of bats and demons flew out of the abyss. A giant crimson skeleton with an axe in his hand emerged from the darkness and wandered off to somewhere, looking for people to kill. Shortly after it an _emo, _one of the deadliest creatures in the Universe, came out of the hole and ran off to somewhere, looking for an opportunity to whine how misunderstood and miserable their lives were. However, this wasn't the end.  
No, my friend… the real horror was only just beginning.

A zombie hand rose from the gulf of evil and darkness. It clutched at the soil desperately. A second hand came out, just as frighteningly thin and pale, and together with the left hand, they pulled out the body attaching the hands. It was the one of an average looking kid with a baseball hat.

He used to be a good guy, or at least what people talked about him.  
He was a legend. A defender of all that was good and right.  
However, he was killed. Killed by the Ultimate Ice Queen Bitch from Hell.  
But now he was back, his evil self being dominant over his rotting body…  
From the pit of Hell rose up none other than…  
…_Timmy_.

* * *

- It's a good thing we finally found you some clothes! – Mariko chirped out cheerfully.

Lucy gazed at the shirt and shorts she was wearing. The collar was stained with blood, as the previous owner of the shirt refused to give it to Lucy and she was forced to persuade him through swift decapitation.

The two diclonius girls were in the Patch Diner. Jeanne had already greeted them at the door and showed them a free table. Lucy did not decapitate her only because she took pity of the suit she was wearing.

The older girl snorted.

- I don't like this place.  
- Why? – Mariko lowered the menu and looked at Lucy. – It seems really nice to me. The people here a quiet and friendly.

Marco's furious roar came from the kitchen, swearing and cursing the entire world, the Diner and the 'stupid customers'. A sound like a pile of dishes breaking on the ground was heard.

- Humans annoy me. – Lucy shared with the younger girl gloomily as Silva ran pass their table and into the kitchen, where a brawl was obviously taking place. – They are weak and timid. They can't do anything right.

She turned around to the open door of the kitchen, where Marco was complaining loudly about his duties of carrying food to the 'stupid customers', Jeanne stating how trivial and unholy this quarrel was in the face of God and Silva ordering both of them to 'shut the fuck up, you whining bitches'.

- Just look at them. – She said scornfully. – They can barely run a diner. How the hell are creatures like them supposed to rule the world!?

The diclonius then turned back and exclaimed:  
- We are the true rulers of the world! Us! The Diclonius are the peak of evolution, not Humans!  
- Don't get so excited, Lucy-san. – Mariko smiled. – They are just Human, they can't help themselves. Now, how about you drink your apple juice and calm down a little?

The little girl took the glass and placed it in front of Lucy, but she accidentally spilled some of the juice on Lucy's shirt. The older diclonius stood up and roared:

- You stupid girl! Look what you did!

Just then Marco charged out of the kitchen, murmuring angrily. He froze stiff when he saw Lucy, with her shirt stained and transparent to hungry male eyes. Marco got a nosebleed.

- WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, MORON!? – She yelled at him, grabbed Mariko by the leg with one of her vectors and chucked her at Marco. The perverted X-Law crumbled on the ground unconscious with Mariko sitting on his head. Did I mention that Mariko was wearing a skirt?

Lucy rushed out of the Diner furiously and killed some random people who were unlucky enough to get close to her. Mariko ran out of the Diner shortly after her, blushing and pressing her skirt against her thighs.

- Lucy-san, wait! – She yelled after the older girl. She finally caught up with her.  
- I'm sick and tired of this. – Lucy grumbled.  
- Sick of the humans?  
- Yes! I'm tired of them, Mariko! They must go!  
- But… what are you gonna do?  
- I'll kill them all. Then I can be at ease.

Mariko was silent. A smirk emerged on Lucy's face.  
- Let's go, Mariko! We're gonna take over the world!

* * *

Hao was still crying. Machi had given up soothing him, seeing as he was beyond hope. Ashil was leaning against the wall of the inn they were in right now. Peyote was locked in the bathroom for more than a hour.

Ashil banged angrily on the door.

- Peyote! GET OUT OF THERE, NOW! I need the restroom, NOW!  
- Just a minute! – The Mexican yelled from inside.

One minute silence. Then a terrifying shriek came from the bathroom. Everyone leaped towards the locked door.  
- Peyote, what happened!? – Hao demanded.  
- THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!!!!! – Peyote cried out.

Everyone fell over.

* * *

**From the Author:** Things are getting pretty bad for Peyote right now. And what about Manta and Lucy? Will they engage in a furious battle for world domination? Will they join forces? Find out in the next chapter! 


	29. Hao Asks A Ninja

**Chapter Twenty Sever**: Hao Asks A Ninja

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Shaman King, nor do I own Naruto, Elfen Lied, Chuck Norris, Mr. T and Ask A Ninja! Please, Mr. Norris, please, Mr. T, SPARE MY LIFE! T.T

* * *

- HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The horrible roar echoed through Patch Village and shook the earth. Strong men cowered like babies. Women and children locked themselves in their lodges. The X-Laws packed their luggage and made a run for it. Silva closed Patch Diner, put the 'On Vacation' sigh on the door and ran out of Patch Village while screaming like a little girl.

When Hao and his minions heard the terrifying Call of Doom, they all panicked and ran in circles while waving hands and screaming 'AAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!'. Hao then collapsed on the ground and burst out in sorry tears.

- It's Anna! She's after me! MY ASS IS DOOMED!!!!

Peyote pointed a finger gloriously to the skies.  
- Hao-sama! I have a solution! – He declared heroically. – I can provide you with the most powerful weapon in the whole Universe!!!!

Hao angry-marked and leered at the Mexican.

- I hope it's not another cactus! – He growled threateningly.  
- No. – Peyote's goggles flashed. – What I'm about to show you is considered a double-edged sword: it destroys both the user and the target…  
- That doesn't sound good. – Ashil murmured.  
- …It is a powerful intergalactic arm which has been forbidden over three-hundred worlds and six galaxies!... – Peyote continued and his eyes shot open.  
- You can't impress us… - Ashil murmured again.  
- It makes Chuck Norris and Mr. T scream in fright like little girls! – The Chilean screamed.

- WOW!!! – Hao, Ashil and Machi gasped in amazement. Everyone knew that there were only a few things in the Universe that could scare Chuck Norris and Mr. T.

Peyote's goggles flashed dramatically again.

- So?... Are you ready!? – He put a hand under his poncho. The camera started spinning around him in a dramatic angle, flashy lights were turned on and a corny music was playing. – Presenting………………………..

He pulled his arm out, holding the deadliest weapon in the Universe.

- Behold! …………….. **The** **Potato**!!!!!

…

Hao's jaw hit the ground. So did Machi's and Ashil's. Peyote kept standing in a heroic pose.  
There was silence. A desert wind blew past them, carrying dried up bushes with it, just like the lame-ass cliché script of this story was saying.

- HOW THE HELL IS A POTATO SUPPOSED TO HELP ME BEAT ANNA IN A FIGHT WHEN SHE COMES TO KILL ME!?!?!?!? – Hao exploded in Peyote's face, blowing his sombrero five feet away from him. The Mexican strolled towards his hat, leaving the angry Hao behind his back, placed the sombrero in his head, turned around and answered bluntly:

- You can make fries or potato chips with it.

Hao fell over.

* * *

Three evil forces rose up from the dust and ashes with the evil intention to conquer all that stood in their way. Anna, the Ultimate Ice Queen Bitch from Hell and her demonic legion of devils and the undead, Hitler Reborn and his brutal, yet so fearless group of thugs and criminals, gathered from the lowest classes of society, and 2D – the Diclonius Duo, consisting of Lucy and Mariko, the evil pink-haired horny badass bitches who pawned noobs with their skillz set out on a dangerous quest to take over the world. However, there could only be ONE true Emperor of the Earth, so it was likely that a titanic was going to break out between the three evil forces, from which only one was going to emerge victorious and take the spoils.  
However, there **was** resistance! The forces of good, which consisted from a retarded Yoh Asakura, a stuck-up Chinese emo, a green-haired hermaphrodite, a Ryu with a Great Knife stuck in his hair, a timid pink-haired brat with her perverted spirits, a German drug-addict, a necromancer and a necrophile, a pretty girl named Nyorai that could only sing pretty songs, a foursome of bitches 'n' hoes, Kanna and, of course, that cutie named Mari! (Notice how the Author didn't put a nasty comment on those two; that's cuz he's in love with them.) These legendary heroes were tasked to protect Good, Peace, Justice and Potato Chips from the evil armies of Anna, Hitler Reborn and 2D long enough till the Author finally realizes that this goddamn intro was getting too fuckin epic and was going out of the story line, but wasn't that what we've been doing all along!?

- EXCUSE ME!!?? – Hao yelled somewhere out of the camera view. – MIND IF YOU PAY A LITTLE ATTENTION TO ME HERE!?

The camera turned towards Hao.  
- That's better. – He said with a frown on his face. – Now let's return to my dilemma.

Peyote raised his hands desperately and groaned:  
- Hao-sama, you must accept the Potato! If you do, your power will multiply by a hundred times!  
- NO! I'm sick and tired of your stupid jokes, Peyote! The damn Cactus didn't help me before-

The Latin Chorus sang. Five seconds later it disappeared. Hao exploded:  
- WHERE THE HELL IS THIS CHORUS COMING FROM!?!?!?

- Hao-sama, I personally believe that we should be more concentrated on how we should evade Anna-sama's wrath, rather than fighting it. – Ashil pointed out importantly.

Hao collapsed and whined out:  
- But I don't know what to do! It's all so complicated! A war is gonna break out soon and I don't have a damn idea what do do!!!

Machi stepped in and said:  
- Then maybe you should… ask a ninja.

Everyone gaped at her. She grinned:  
- Just Ask a Ninja! These guys know the answers to all questions! I watch the show every day!  
- What? You're telling me to ask Naruto how to solve my problem? – Hao mulled over Machi's advice. The girl exclaimed in a pissed manner:  
- No, you moron! Not Naruto! I'm talking about the Ask A Ninja show!

Peyote brightened up:  
- Oh, yeah! Now I remember! Those guys are goddamn smart! You should send an e-mail to them and ask your question.

Hao brooded for a few seconds, then nodded. He got inside a random internet club and wrote the damn e-mail. He stood up and smiled.  
- Done. – He confirmed. – Now when is the answer to my question going to show up?

Machi mused for a moment, then answered:  
- Well… the show is every day from 5 PM, but it would probably take a week or so to come up with an answer to your question…

Then they heard the voice from the TV program behind them:- And now the Ask A Ninja show!

The foursome gazed at the TV, as the theme song played. Then the ninja guy popped on screen and yelled:

- Ha-  
-O  
-Asks  
-A  
-Nin  
-Jaaaaaaaaa!

"**I've just escaped a parallel-world madhouse filled with a horde of monsters, ****my penis got burned to dust, a war between three lunatics is going to break out in here and Anna is after me! Please, tell me what I should do!?"**

**Hao**

- Well, Hao, my friend… I'm afraid that there is only one word describing your current situation: screwed. And when I say screwed I don't mean that you're '_screwed'_ like helix or '_screwed'_ like a wet towel, but '_screwed'_ like '_I'm in really, really, really, really, really, __**really**__ big trouble now!_' Very few people have ever ended up in a hopeless situation like yours; one of them was a friend of mine. He was a ninja. The poor guy. We found him two months later impaled the Statue of Liberty's torch! A day later we found the other parts of his body in France, Japan, Uruguay, Australia and the North Pole. When we gathered them up and patched them all together, we read the sign 'Put more salt on him next time!'. What I'm saying here is that you're dealing with an intergalactic beast that is older than the oldest ninja on Earth. And that would be Quan Zan Pi, he is older than the whole population of Asia taken together. And if you calculate that, you'll find that he's very, **very** old! His memories are like a black-and-white silent movie. Now, what people don't understand is that the sole reason for Anna to be so evil and deadly, is that she is actually a ninja! She is a master of disguise and instant killing! She has developed the power to kill people from a five-thousand-mile range with a single blink of the eyelid. It is extremely dangerous to stay close to her even when she's asleep or is watching her favorite soap opera! Damn, she is one hot ninja babe! However, she is as cold as Pluto. The last time someone tried to flirt with her ended up with the guy's decapitated head stuck in a toilet bowl! Seriously, that girl needs to give those guys a chance!  
Now, Hao, though the situation may seem hopeless, you have several options. One: lay down on the ground, cry like a little girl and pray that Anna will give you a slow and painful death, which is considered fast and painless when Anna's doing it. Oh, boy, you think slow and painful is something? If you end up with Anna giving you the REAL 'slow and painful' death, you'll regret ever being born. In fact, you will regret ever being born in your last seven lives! Two: run as fast as you can and DON'T STOP, no matter what! Anna is just waiting for you to give yourself a break. And Three: ……… Well… I don't think it will work for you anyway. You're toast. Oh, and before I forget, I gotta say that the above options will work for you ONLY if you're a ninja. But if you're an ordinary person… well… it'll be better and a lot easier for you if you jump off a cliff.  
Thanks for the question, Hao! I look forward to killing you soon! HYA!

The show ended. Hao was left expressionless. His underlings stood silent behind him.

- Damn. – He uttered. – Guess I'm really fucked up now.

* * *

**From the Author**: MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Ask A Ninja rulez! R&R please:D 


	30. Crazy People Do Crazy Sheet

**Chapter Twenty Eight**: Crazy People Do Crazy Sheet

**Disclaimer**: I don't own SK. I also don't own a lot of things mentioned in this story, so don't sue me, okay? I am just a wild comedian with lots of humor. This story's only purpose is to make you laugh. Nothing personal towards real-life people, celebrities, events, ethnic, social or religious groups. R&R!

**Warning**: Excessive amount of coarse 'gangsta' language in this chapter.

* * *

- Hao-sama! – Machi said.  
No response.  
- Hao-sama!!!

Still no response.  
- What the hell happened to him? – Ashil murmured while waving a hand in front of a petrified Hao.

Peyote suddenly started rummaging through his poncho. He was obviously searching for something important. Then he grinned in relief and pulled out a plastic bag full of cocaine.  
- I thought he had gotten his hands on my cocaine! – Peyote exclaimed while waving the bag with drugs in front of the other two. Ashil and Machi fell over.

Hao was so zoned out because of the message he had received from the Ninjas. So it was true… his worst nightmares had come true. Not only that a maniac with a keyboard in his hands had started writing crappy fiction that was making an ass out of him, but Anna had gotten impossibly strong. Far too strong for him to handle her. Damn, she was one hot momma… Too bad she got engaged with that numbskull twin-brother of his. She had a nice body…

- Hao-sama, snap out of it! – Ashil exclaimed and smacked Hao hard in the face. The pyromaster was flung backwards, rolling in the dirt. A second later the shaman stood up, spitting dust and grumbling angrily:  
- Ashil, you little bastard! If the Spirit of Fire was here I…

A thunderous roar interrupted him. He couldn't tell where it came; it was stronger than an earthquake and more deafening.  
- What the hell is that!? – Hao yelled.

- Big-Ass Billy is having a constipation? – Peyote suggested. The earth seemed to be tearing apart. Hao doubted that his past adversary was the cause for this disaster, but if he was, then he must be having one God-damn nasty constipation! Hao didn't want to be the next person to walk in that restroom.

Multiple screams came from nearby. The remaining inhabitants of Patch were starting to panic. A huge crowd suddenly appeared from down the street, trampling right towards Hao and his lackeys.

The foursome stood there with aghast expressions.  
- Perhaps we should get the hell out of here?! – Machi advised with eyes open wide.

* * *

The war had begun.

Manta's small Nazi-wanna-be force marched towards the gigantic columns of smoke emerging from the scorched buildings in the suburbs of Patch. Manta, who was less than half meter tall, raised his hand, ordering his warriors to stop. However, seeing as they were all ordered to look straight ahead, none of them noticed him raising his hand. The group of skinheads, gypseys, rappers, metalheads and headbangers, homeless, poor and retired people with low insurances (Manta had recruited new soldiers in his ranks through persuasion with a less painful and lethal variant of the 'chair-smack' method), the Columbian drug dealer, the retired US sergeant, the mutated potato monster and, of course, Bob, the Village Idiot, Manta's secret weapon and most powerful ally, ran over the hapless Hitler fan. Hopefully, Manta was mad enough to endure the pain and survive. He stood up and roared furiously at the marching mob, screaming like a madman and waving his fists. His small army realized that their leader was missing and stopped, then looked back and saw Manta trying to catch up with them.  
- Idioten! – He was shrieking in Faust's German accent. –Stop immed_z_iately!!!

The group of equipped scum stopped marching. The foaming little tyrant caught up with his underlings and barked out and order to follow his commands only. His men, including the ones with lower than average IQ, realized that should they disobey his orders they would be chair-smacked to death.

They finally crossed the black barrier of ash and smoke and disappeared in the impenetrable mist.

* * *

Lucy was cutting her way through a small Patch resistance group with her vectors. Everything that came in their way was decapitated, dismembered or cut to pieces.

A large man was sliced through the waist and fell on the ground with an agonizing shriek. The old waif we met in the beginning chapter eight pointed at him and stated calmly:

- Pwned!

Three seconds later he got decapitated.  
- Yay! Lots of blood, gore and guts splattered everywhere! – Mariko chirped out happily while skipping through the desolate streets and destroying random stuff. The older Diclonius glared at her.  
- You little brat! Stop bullshitting around and start doing useful things!  
- Like what?  
- Um… killing people, of course! – Lucy smirked evilly.

Just then the earth shook violently… **again**!  
- What the hell!? – The two girls exclaimed when the dead rose from the earth. Anna walked out of the darkness in her demonic beauty and said:

- So you two want to oppose my world domination quest? I won't allow that! Slaughter them! – She ordered her undead army.

The mindless zombies locked eyes on the girls. They were all hungry for brains and flesh and Lucy and Mariko looked really tasty. Note: discard your perverted thoughts, readers, nothing that deserves an M-rating is about to happen, except for Lucy and Mariko dying a gruesome and agonizing death. Unfortunately, that never happened, seeing as the streets were filled with decapitated, fresh corpses of people the Diclonii had killed. And because it was a lot easier to chew on a dead body than chase the living human and tear its heart off while the poor guy was still struggling, they were not eaten alive.

- Crap! – Anna hissed when her zombie army became occupied having lunch. – Looks like I'll have to deal with you personally in a dramatic showdown battle with lots of corny music.  
- LATIN CHORUS! – The Diclonii exclaimed.

"Penis erectus"

- OMGWTF!? – Anna cried out in shock, caused by TheArchon's lack of creative thinking. – Forget this shit! Let's fight without the damn chorus!  
- Right! – Lucy and Mariko said.

Then a crazy yell came from the black clouds all around them:  
- HALT!  
- 'Hold!' – Lucy translated. Anna and Mariko frowned at her.  
- Yeah, I could make that out, thank you! – Anna spat.  
- I was just trying to impress you with my amazing knowledge of German language. – Lucy stated proudly.  
- Yeah? Well… you didn't. – The blond demon girl murmured while staring at the fog.

Manta and his squad of mercenaries and all sorts of wretches and scoundrels came out, armed to the teeth with all sorts of weapons. Manta was gritting at a cigar with a furious expression. His warriors aimed their weapons at the three females in front of them.  
- Fire at _v_ill! Kill _dz_em all! – The Hitler wannabe shrieked the order out.  
- Oh-oh. – Mariko murmured when the multiethnic group of militarized wackoos pulled the triggers of their weapons and all sorts of bullets were shot at them. However, they survived this devastating attack because of their impenetrable awesomeness and sexiness… I mean vectors! That's right, vectors! Nothing more!

- ZOMG! – Manta exclaimed, despite this expression being nonexistent in real life. – _Dz_ey escaped _dz_e bullets!? _V_at in _Gott's_ name is_t_ _dz_is!?

Lucy and Mariko skipped back at great height, then lunged back at them in a dramatic villainous style with insidious looks on their faces.  
- I believe we are about to get waxed. – The retired US sergeant noticed.  
- Run for your lives!! – A Gypsy shouted out and made a run for it.  
- I ain't gonna put up wit dis shit! Those bitches are fuckin dead! – A West-side rapper roared out and grabbed an AK-47 out of nowhere and shot at the two Diclonii.  
- Yo, nigga, are ya dumb as shit!? – An East Side rapper exclaimed when the bullets were reflected in all directions, mostly at the running Gypsy. – Those mafuckas won't die from yo mafuckin bullets!  
- You mothafucka, the fuck you think I'ma do? Run like a lil' bitch back to LA an' get my hood like yo pussy-ass niggas from East Side do!? - The WS Rapper said.  
- I'ma fuck yo ass, nigga! – ES snap back and pulled out his gun.  
- The fuck are yo niggas bitchin' about, we're bout to get our black asses fucked in here!!? – A South Side Rapper intervened.  
- Fuck off with yo bitch-ass shit before I shoot yo ass up like they did with 50 Cent! – WS screamed, completely forgetting that Lucy and Mariko, for reasons unknown, were **still** lunging at them.  
- Don't fuck with 50 Cent yo mafucka!! – The South Side rapper pulled out his gun, too, and aimed at WS's head.  
- I don't give a fuckin nickel 'bout yo god-damn 50 cent…

**SLASH!**

And all three of them were decapitated. So, kids, what's the moral of this story? Quite simple, you see: Don't talk shit and act like fuckin gangsta retards when there are two angry Diclonii lunging at you with the intention to kill.

- ZOMG! _Dz_is mo_h_ral sucks ass! – Manta cried out in anger as his warriors were being massacred.

* * *

**From the Author:** At long last, I've updated the story! I have to find a solution to my writer-block problems… get more sleep, maybe? 


	31. The Final Battle

**Chapter Twenty Nine**: The Final Battle

Hi, guys, I'm back, with another wacky chapter in my bag! Though I have been really enjoying writing this parody, the end of this story draws near and at some point I will have to lie down the pen and put a 'The End' at the bottom of the page. I hope you've been having fun reading 'The Legend Lives Once Again' as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Well, have fun with this chapter, as well! Review when you're done reading.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Shaman King and anything mentioned in this story, so don't sue me! However, I am the one and only owner of Timmy, so don't try to claim author rights for this supercool Hero, or else I will set my rabid cat against you!

* * *

Everything has a beginning and an end. This principle is valid for all beings of existence, sentient and non-sentient, living and unliving, stones, trees, plants, animals and humans. The Four Universal Entities had come to an consent that worlds, galaxies, and even time had its beginning and ending. Everything, no matter corporal, mental or spiritual, had a beginning and an end… except for two things: sausages and Idiocy, the first because it had two ends, and the second because it was what ran the mechanism of all Existence. After all, if there was no Idiocy, then everything would become completely omniscient and overflowing with fulfilling wisdom, which would leave this same everything without a true purpose in its life/existence and completely paralyze its development and search for improvement, and then it would die, crumble, obliterate itself and leave existence without any trails left of its former glory. Idiocy is meant to make everything strive and suffer in order to achieve omnipotence, omniscience and omni-whatever-you-think-of, you see, you can't just reach new levels of powers, knowledge, intelligence and all that other cool crap without breaking a sweat for it, you know what I mean, don't you?

…No? Well, forget about it, then. What I was trying to say was that Hao was coming to a conclusion, dangerously close to all the things I wrote in the lines above, while running towards the battlefield for no logical reason whatsoever. Maybe he has changed to better and had decided to battle the villains that threatened to take over the world in the name of all that was holy and good? Or maybe he was planning to overthrow all these guys in order to get the throne of the planet for himself, become Shaman King, eradicate humankind, construct his precious Shaman Kingdom and then take vengeance on his stupid brother Yoh for beating him in the first place? Or perhaps he had forgotten his favorite toothbrush or Playboy collection somewhere? Or maybe I should shut the hell up and keep writing this crappy story, won't you agree?

An explosion shook the earth for the nth time, nearly making Hao trip. Screams came from every direction. People's silhouettes dashed around in the smog all around while submachine guns and all other armament rattled everywhere.

- Damn. – Hao gasped out, while trying to catch his breath. – I've never thought that this insane writer would start a war and turn this whole story into a battlefield!

Machi was staring in front of her at something, the camera conveniently keeping away from the scene she viewed in order to keep the audience tense, if this story would ever be adapted into a movie. She didn't answer.

- Machi, what are you… - Ashil began and strode forward, then stopped right next to her and his mouth opened wide in shock, awe and amazement at the sight.  
- Ashil, why did you stop talking all of a… - Peyote said and looked at them, but instantly noticed what everyone was staring at and lost his voice.

Hao got an angry mark on his temple, stood up and yelled at the trio:  
- Will you idiots stop gaping at somewhere and start explaining what the hell are you all… looking… at… - Hao's words became quieter till he finally stopped talking and fixed his eyes on what was happening in front of him.

Now, fellow reader, I suppose you'd like to know what in heaven's name everyone is staring at? Well, I guess I have no choice but to keep writing… but don't get offended or anything, okay? This story is a few steps away from becoming M-rated, and I still don't know why I haven't changed its rating from the very beginning.

Hao, Ashil, Machi and Peyote were gazing with jaws hanging loose at Anna, the Ice Queen Bitch from Hell, fighting Lucy, the Sexy Pink-Haired Cat-eared Girl from Elfen Lied. They were throwing telepathic attacks at each other, but it seemed that the two of them were equally matched. Blasts of mental energy shot rocks, dust and soil all around them, leaving large craters on the ground, but Anna and Lucy seemed to remain unharmed. Or at least, not very harmed, seeing as each had some cuts and wounds across her body. Oh, and before I forget, they clothes were ripped in many places, revealing their womanliness to everyone's eyes, Machi, Ashil, Peyote and Hao, in particular, the latter three being VERY concentrated on the half-naked girls.

- VIVA LA FAN SERVICE!!! – The three male shamans roared out rapturously and raised their fists in the sky. Machi smacked her perverted boyfriend on the back of the head.

Anna and Lucy had gripped in a titanic battle that was making the earth tremble furiously. Anna was shooting telepathic attacks at her opponent, whose vectors were reflecting every attack at random directions. The ground suddenly burst open, Mariko leaped from the hole behind Anna and lunged at her. The demon girl turned slowly to meet the attacking Mariko and an invisible force sliced her body in half through the waist.

- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! – Mariko's fans screamed when their idol fell on the ground dead and covered in blood.

- Mwahahahahahahahaaaa! – Anna laughed demonically. – This is what happens to all who oppose me!! They die! Die slowly and painfully, their soul burning in hellish agony for the rest of eternity!...  
- But you just killed her with a single shot. – Hao insisted while pointing at the corpse. – This is a quick and painless death!

Anna glanced at Mariko's body, then swore:

- SHIT! I screwed it all up! I was planning to kill her slowly and painfully, while enjoying the sound of her screams and the blood dripping from her dismembered body! But now I can't! She's dead already and she won't feel a thing! And this is all YOUR fault! – She screamed and pointed at Hao. – If you had not interfered with my plans to take vengeance on Yoh none of this would have ever happened!  
- MY FAULT!? – Hao screamed back with a shocked look on his face. – If **YOU** had not interfered with **MY** plans on taking vengeance on Yoh, none of this would have ever happened!  
- If Yoh had not cheated on me, THEN none of this would have ever happened! – Anna grumbled with gritted teeth.  
- If Yoh had not defeated me in episode 64 and I had become Shaman King, THEN none of this would have ever happened! I would've been king of the world and you and he would be dead and I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with you idiots! – Hao yelled while pointing furiously at Anna.  
- Yes, but he kicked your ass, and then he cheated on me, and NOW I have to go through the pile of bullshit this shithead called 'TheArchon' is writing! And I probably won't get to Yoh, because he's the protagonist!  
- He is the protagonist of Shaman King, _but not the protagonist of __this__ story_! – The pyromaster pointed out importantly. – _**I**_ am the true protagonist of Shaman King!

Anna lost all of her demonic influence when her jaw dropped.  
- What!? – She said unbelievingly. – You are the protagonist!?

Hao smiled and stuck his chest forward proudly, getting ready to brag.  
- That's right! While the Author was writing all that crap about things having a beginning and an end, I found in one of the abandoned houses of Patch THIS! – And with those words he raised his fist. Anna's face turned pale. Machi, Peyote and Ashil gasped in surprise.

In his right fist, Hao was holding a document with the heading 'Official protagonist of 'The Legend Lives Once Again'. In the bottom of the document a red stamp could be seen.

- This document has been sealed by TheArchon himself! This is what I've been needing all along; a proof for my rightful place in this story!  
- Impossible! – Anna hissed, strode forward and grabbed the document from Hao's hand. She pinned her gaze in it, reading hastily and murmuring the words under her nose:

- "By the authority given to me as a writer, under the strict rules of the guidelines to bla-bla-blah... I hereby pronounce Asakura Hao, a character from the anime Shaman King… as the main protagonist and main character of my story, 'The Legend Lives Once Again'. – Anna's eyes widened in disbelief and shock. - Anyone who tries to oppose the statements in this contract will receive divine punishment by the author, who is authorized with writing the story, in particular, 'TheArchon'"!?

She threw the document on the ground, tugged at her hair and hollered in an insane voice with head looking at the skies, then collapsed on the ground and pounded it furiously, still screaming her lungs out. Hao was smirking in content. When Anna stood up, she pointed at him and roared out:  
- THIS DOCUMENT IS FORGED!  
- Look carefully: it has 'TheArchon's seal and signature. – Hao noted gleefully.  
- THIS IS UNNACEPTABLE! A MOCKERY! A PRANK! THIS IS BLASPHEMY! THIS IS MADNESS!!!!

Hao cocked his left eyebrow when he felt the presence of a movie remark.  
- '300', I suppose? – He inquired rhetorically. The shaman then looked at the skies and yelled:  
- Author! May I have a request?

A deafening thunder rolled, making the earth tremble.  
- I will take that as a yes. – Hao smiled and stepped towards Anna.

The environment changed. There was no longer smoke, sun was shining through the marble columns that weren't around Hao and Anna a moment ago, the pyromaster's feet were clattering on the pavement that had materialized unseen by anyone… and there was a large round hole behind Anna.

When Hao got close enough, he uttered threateningly:  
- Madness?...

Anna got paler.

Hao raised his head and shouted out at the top of his lungs:

- THIS … IS … SHAMAN KING!!!

And with that he kicked her, his poncho waving dramatically around him and Anna falling backwards in the bottomless pit. Her shriek of terror echoed throughout the Universe.

Hao stood above the hole and roared out:

- TONIGHT YOU DINE IN HELL, BITCH!  
- Ugh… don't you think this was a little too much? – Ashil suggested while standing behind the triumphant Hao.

The Asakura turned around with a huge, ferocious grin on his face. Ashil recoiled.  
- I – Am – The – Protagonist! – Hao exclaimed with hands up in the air. It seems he has won.

Lucy was gawking at the scene in front of her, completely forgotten by everyone. She snorted, frowned and murmured:

- Guess that's the end of my world conquest…

She walked away down the ruined path to Patch village, her faith and future unknown…

* * *

In the outskirts of Patch, Yoh Asakura was sitting on a rock, eating oranges and looking at the ghosts of Horo and Lily making out, despite lacking corporal form.  
- Awwwwww! – Tamao squeaked in delight. – Look at them, Yoh-sama! They make such a cute couple!

Yoh grinned and mumbled out with mouth full of oranges:  
- Ithf a sfame 'dey didn't get togethe' in life!

Tamao backed away, seeing as it wasn't really pleasant to get covered in chewed bits of orange. Horo and Lily looked at Yoh. The dead Ainu exclaimed:  
- Yoh, being dead is the best! You gotta try it too!  
- We no longer need to breathe, and this means non-stop kissing! – Lily said cheerfully and resumed kissing her boyfriend passionately.  
Yoh kept smiling, feeling happier than ever.

And on a shadowy hill, behind everyone, stood a short dark figure with a submachine gun and an evil look in its eyes with the intention to kill.

* * *

**From the Author:** End of chapter. Let me say again that I don't own Shaman King, Elfen Lied and 300. 


	32. Timmy's Ultimate Demise

Chapter Thirty: _**Timmy**_'s Ultimate Demise

Okay, guys, you read the heading; this is where _**Timmy**_ dies FOR GOOD! I am sorry to do this, but Zombie-_**Timmy**_ is something that the world cannot live with.  
The gigantic army of _**Timmy**_ fans: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
Yep, sorry, girls, but that's life. Furthermore, I don't own Shaman King, so don't sue me for anything that I write in this parody.

* * *

Everyone turned around when they heard Hitler-Manta approaching. He pointed his two submachine guns at the people, gritted the lit cigar in his mouth, his stubbly face twisted in a wide, vicious smirk and Manta growled:

- Who's your daddy?

Then suddenly _**Timmy**_ emerged from the ground, feeling hungry for brains, and roared out:  
- ME WANT BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINS!

- ZOMG! – Manta screamed and fired at _**Timmy**_. A fierce battle between the two commenced, which was the perfect cover for Yoh and the others to sneak out safely.

- Did you notice how conveniently you appeared so that I can fight you instead of my ex-best friend so that he may escape and fall victim to his evil twin brother's wrath? – Manta brooded over the situation, discarding his Nazi accent, but _**Timmy**_ attacked again.  
- BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIINS!!!!!! – The Zombie screamed while trying to tear off Manta's flesh.  
- That's it! – The midget frowned at pointed his firearms at _**Timmy's**_ forehead. – You're waxed!  
He pressed the trigger.

* * *

Hao was stroding regally through the ruined village, with his minions shuffling behind him silently.

- What's wrong, my comrades? – Hao inquired in a majestic, high-spirited tone. – Aren't you happy that we finally killed Anna?  
- Yes, Hao-sama, we are happy. – Ashil murmured. He seemed pale, compared to the aura of triumph that radiated from his master. – It's just that we haven't eaten a thing since those terrible burgers at Silver's Patch Diner…  
- Hey! Don't make fun of the burgers! – Machi scolded her boyfriend. – That was the best burger I've ever eaten in my life!  
- You must've been **VERY** hungry back then, Machi. – Ashil muttered gloomily while glancing at her angrily. – I don't think there is a creature alive on this planet that would eat that burger, even if it was the last edible thing on the whole friggin' planet!  
- Ashil-kun, why did you censure your speech, just now? – Peyote asked in surprise.  
- And why did you just call me Ashil-kun!? – The boy snarled and gazed at the Mexican.  
- I don't know. Something came over me. So why did you…  
- I will censure my speech whenever I want to, you drug addict! And if you call me Ashil-kun again I will shove your head where the sun doesn't shine!

The boy bypassed Hao while frowning fiercely, leaving a puzzled Spanish guy with a sombrero behind.  
- Ashil, wait! – Machi yelled and chased after her boyfriend.  
- Where the sun doesn't… shine? – Peyote said quietly in confusion.  
- Ashil, what the hell's wrong with you!? – Hao insisted.  
- I'm tired of this! I'm sick and tired of you and your insane plans! We've been doing practically nothing since the beginning of this story!  
- Except for breaking the Fourth Wall and some other crazy shit. – Hao added while cocking his eyebrows.  
- Cut that crap! – Ashil snapped at him. – You said that you were gonna find and kill Yoh, and then become Shaman King! And what happened!? **Nothing**!! All that time, spent wandering through this bloody village, watching you get your stupid ass kicked over and over again; **it's irritating**!  
- Where… the sun… - Peyote drawled yet again.  
- Ashil. – Hao started cautiously, trying not to piss the boy off even more. – You are not listening to what you're saying.  
- He's just hungry, Hao-sama. – Machi explained in an annoyed voice. – He always gets cranky when he hasn't been fed.  
- It's not like that! – Ashil yelled. – Can't you see that this idiot has been doing nothing but lopping about doing nothing! That pathetic piece of **UGH**!!!

Peyote had punched Ashil and the boy was now lying unconscious on the ground. The Mexican was staring fiercely at the other shaman.  
- _You'll shove my head where the sun doesn't shine_!? – He laughed mockingly at Ashil. – How stupid do you take me for, you insolent brat!? Do you think you can mock Peyote just like that and get away with it!?

Hao was staring with wide eyes at his underling.  
- No one shoves Peyote's head in a shadowy valley and gets away with it!!!

Everyone sweat-dropped.

- No, Peyote, what Ashil meant was… - Hao started with a frown, but a distant scream interrupted him.  
- Not again… - Machi murmured and rushed ahead of the group.  
- Machi! – Hao yelled, but the girl didn't head him. He looked at the Mexican: - Peyote, take Ashil and get moving!  
- Yes, Hao-sama! – The shaman answered and carried out his master's command. The two of the rushed after Machi, who was already far ahead of them.

- Damn, she's fast! – Hao gasped out while jogging after the redhead. Suddenly, she stopped. They caught up with her and gazed at whatever she was looking.

- If you try to give me that noobish camera trick again, I'll impale you on my giant cactus! – Hao threatened the author.

"I dearly thought that didn't sound back-handed." TheArchon thought while typing this story.

Everyone saw it: Zombie-_**Timmy**_ had brutally murdered and dismembered Manta and was now hungrily chewing on his brain.

- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! – The gigantic army of Manta-fans, sadly, consisting of me, the author, screamed in horror and fell on its knees.

- OMG! He is eating Manta's brain! – Machi shrieked and pointed at the undead _**Timmy**_.

* * *

And thus, the last evil force was completely obliterated. However, birds didn't start singing happily, bells didn't ring, there were no confetti thrown everywhere and there were no people cheering and yelling their savior's name. This wasn't the happy ending. Not yet.

* * *

Everyone kept staring at the zombie that finished up with Manta and stood up.  
- MORE BRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!!!! – Evil _**Timmy**_ roared and charged at Hao and his lackeys.

Hao stiffened in horror at the monstrosity attacking him.  
- Hao-sama, do something!!!! – Machi shrieked in terror. – I don't wanna die yet!  
- Neither do I! – Peyote babbled out.

Hao strained himself to think.  
'My attacks won't stop that bastard… what to do then? What…'

It suddenly hit him: an idea, brighter than the sun itself.  
'Of course!...'

Hao stepped back, looked at the skies, and yelled:  
- Author, I have another request! Please, help me!

TheArchon read Hao's thoughts and answered his prayers with a loud thunder. Okay, please, don't sue me ALSO for impersonating a god of some sorts.

_**Timmy**_ ran and ran with a terrifying roar coming from his open mouth. Hao could see the madness in his ferocious eyes, right now so devoid from goodness and humanity. Foam was coming from his open mouth. The Asakura was looking straight in the twisted, demonic face, of the former thing that was TheArchon's most favored pet. Hao was shaking in fear.

_**Timmy**_ leaped upon him with jaws wide open, ready to devour Hao just like he had his previous opponent. Hao shut his eyes tight…

…And then an anvil fell on _**Timmy**_'s head. The zombie crumbled in a pile of lifeless flesh on the ground.

Everyone kept staring at the place where _**Timmy**_ had died. Ashil came by and gaped at the dead zombie.

- What's that? – He asked drowsily.  
- That used to be _**Timmy**_. – Machi pronounced stiffly.

Hao's eyes were going to fall out of their sockets any moment now.

- How the hell is an anvil supposed to kill a zombie!? – Peyote inquired.  
- I have no friggin' idea. – Ashil murmured.  
- Hey! You censored yourself again!  
- Don't start it again, you idiot!

Hao shut his mouth with a loud sound and said:

- Of all the corny things and movie clichés that this pathetic excuse for an author could think of, he decided to scrape the bottom of the pot off and dig out THIS relic from the old cartoons!? An _**ANVIL**_ falling _**FROM THE SKY**_!?!?!?

- Did you notice that it has a silver cross drawn on it? – Machi pointed at the symbol.

Hao suddenly laughed out maniacally:

- HAHAHAHA! No kidding!? A _**blessed**_ anvil!? That's VERY original of you, Author! For the thousandth time, I am _**AMAZED**_ by the cunning of your mind and the sharpness of your sarcastic jokes! I am _**THRILLED**_ by your ultimate writing capabilities and SO _**THANKFUL**_ that you had me shit my pants till you could drop that god-damn anvil on that bastard's head…

Another anvil fell from the sky and landed on Hao's head.

- AAAGH!!! – He screamed. For everyone's surprise, he was alive.  
- That should have killed me! This is not a cartoon, Author! – The pyromaster yelled at the skies.  
- Come on, Hao-sama, you're the protagonist, after all! – Machi explained cheerfully. – The main hero of a story can't die before the end!  
- I guess you're right. – Hao murmured and rubbed his head. There wasn't even blood, just a huge lump. He looked at his minions, smiled and exclaimed:

- Alright, guys! Let's finish what we've started! Time to destroy Yoh!

- YAY! – Peyote, Machi and Ashil screamed and cheered.

And the four of the walked off, the setting sun throwing dramatic shadows and enlightening their faces heroically, hinting us that the chapter is ending.  
The screen faded out.

- Hey, that sundown light effect was really corny, you know! – Hao snapped, but was silenced when another anvil fell on his head.

* * *

**FROM THE AUTHOR**: End of chapter! Hao is gonna have a really nasty headache in the other chapter. Review when you're done reading! 


	33. Escape

**Chapter Thirty One**: Escape

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King, nor do I own Warcraft.

* * *

Peyote was now carrying Hao on his shoulder, seeing as he had been knocked out by a second anvil, sent as a divine punishment by the author.

- You shouldn't have criticized the author, Hao-sama. – Peyote was giving Hao a piece of his mind while the boy was slowly coming to his senses. – Don't you know that you must never argue with drunk and insane people? And that guy, TheArchon, is crazier than a barrel of apes!  
- I asked for a simple thing and he had to dramatize even THIS!  
- Hao-sama, perhaps if you stop whining and concentrate on finding Yoh, we will be over with TheArcon's writing blocks and mental issues and start living normally again.  
- Peyote, when did I give you permission to talk to me like that!? I am your master, for Christ's sake!  
- Sorry, Hao-sama. – The Mexican apologized.  
- Put me on the ground already! I think I can walk on my own. – Hao ordered.  
- Yes, Hao-sama. – Peyote placed his master carefully on the ground.

Hao brushed some dust off his poncho and tossed a lock of hair off his face and spoke:

- Alright, people, the first thing we must do is locate my brother's current whereabouts! We'll split up in two groups…  
- Hey, wait a minute! Since when do we have to split in groups!? We've always been together! – Machi interrupted.  
- He can't be far from here. If we split up, we'll find him a lot faster than if sticking together. The war is over, so it should be safe around the streets.  
- And how the hell are we supposed to tell you that we've found him when we won't know where to look for you?

Hao smirked and rummaged under his poncho.

- You'll use THIS.

He gave Machi a potato. The same potato, which Peyote had given him some time ago. Machi and Ashil went bug-eyed.

- You will use this mighty artifact's powers to contact me. – Hao explained with an idiotic grin. Machi was holding the potato with two fingers, mouth still agape. – I will hear its summoning powers from afar and will instantly come by your side.

- Now that you say it, I haven't seen you teleporting in a very long time… - Ashil drawled suspiciously.

Hao snickered almost like his brother and sweat-dropped.  
- Ugh… I completely forgot that I can teleport.

Everyone fell over. Hao got annoyed and clapped with his hands.

- Alright, alright, stay focused, guys! As I was saying… we will split in two groups: Me and Ashil will go west, while Machi and Peyote will go south…  
- WHAT!? – Ashil and Machi exclaimed in shock.  
- Hey! I thought that me and Machi were going together! – The boy insisted.  
- No, you aren't. – Hao shook his head with a frown. – I don't want to lose my mind while listening to Peyote's mindless gibberish and I also don't want you two having sex while performing your duties.

Ashil and Machi pulled long faces and frowned. Peyote got offended, but didn't say a thing.  
- Now then… if everything's clear, let's get going. – Hao said with a smile.

Without any more words, the two groups went their ways, searching for Yoh Asakura.

* * *

Yoh, Tamao, and the ghosts of Horo and Lily were still running towards the exit of Patch Village. It was supposed to lead them to a hidden cave, through which they would emerge in the desert.

- This is exciting, isn't it? – Lily said while flying side by side with her dead boyfriend.  
- Yeah! – Horo yelled jollily. – I'd be scared shitless if I was alive, but seeing as I'm dead, it's really fun!

The couple laughed happily, completely discouraging the other two.  
Half an hour later, they made it in front of the entrance of a cave. Horo and Lily flew inside, but Tamao told Yoh to hold it.

- Yoh-sama… I want to tell you something. – The girl started.  
- Yes, Tamao? – Yoh asked with a smile.  
- I… want to say to you… that…

She took a deep breath, seeing as this was the hardest moment in her life. She was going to do it! The confession! Her true feeling! She was finally to release all those suffocating emotions that could not give her peace, all the love she held for Yoh, the man she adored and worshipped.

Yoh plucked out a bugger out of his nose with an idiotic expression, some saliva drooling from his half-open mouth, seriously freaking Tamao out and almost ruining the romantic moment.

- Sorry, I dazed off for a moment… - Yoh apologized. – Soooo you were saying?  
- Yes! – Tamao blushed furiously. – Yoh-sama, I…

She bit her lips.

- I….

Yoh's eyes slightly widened.

- I…really…

Yoh got closer to her and gently placed hands on her shoulders.

- I…

Their faces neared for a kiss…

- _**HALLO**_!!!!!

Yoh and Tamao leaped two feet from each other when Faust VIII, the infamous German necromancer and necrophile, fell from the sky and landed on his feet right between them. His grin was occupying half of his face.

- F-F-Faust! – Yoh stuttered confusedly. – Where did you come from!?

- _Vh_rom Deutschland, of cour_z_e! – The shaman answered happily.

- No, I meant, where did you just appear from? Did you actually fall from the sky!?

- _Nein_, _Ein_ Goblin Zeppelin d_h_ropped me.

Yoh and Tamao stood there, with eyes as big as dinner plates and eyebrows twitching.  
- **What did you just** **say** dropped you???? – Yoh and Tamao inquired in one voice.

Faust scratched his head and answered:  
- _Ein_ Goblin Zeppelin _v_rom _V_arcraft T_z_hree, of cour_z_e.

He took a look at his wristwatch and said:  
- I don't know how to e_gz_plain _dz_is, but _ve _don't ha_v_ much time. I know how to escape Hao, but you must tru_z_t me.

Then suddenly, Machi came from the other end of the street, saw them, screamed one loud "Gotcha now!" and threw the potato in the air, which transformed into a rocket and flew in the sky, then blew up and made lots of loud sounds with pretty lights.

- Scheize! Her master hatt discove_h_red u_z_! – Faust screamed. – _V_e must hold _dz_em back until the Zeppelin a_h_rrive_z_!

Then suddenly, a rift through dimensions, space and time split open, and a Goblin Zeppelin from Warcraft 3 flew out with the Goblin on board screaming:  
- I laugh in the face of danger! HAAA-HAHAHAAAAH!!!

- OMG WTF!? – Everyone screams and goes bug-eyed, including the reader, at the sight of the SK and WC3 crossover.

* * *

In the meantime, TheArchon was laughing evilly in his secret base of operations, which was his house.

* * *

Hao teleported himself just in time, with Ashil by his side, to see his twin brother loading the ridiculous Goblin Zeppelin, piloted by two retarded Goblins and a skinny troll. When Hao got close enough, the Troll pulled out a submaching gun and said:

- Say hello to my little friend!

Hao screamed like a little girl and fled from the fire that was opened upon his ass. Just as the Zeppelin was taking off, Ashil rushed towards it and jumped, but he couldn't get inside and was left hanging on the edge of the board.

- HOLY CRAP! I'm in the air! – He shrieked in panic. Hao returned and yelled after him:  
- Ashil, let go of the Zeppelin!  
- If I let him go, we will never be able to catch him again!

- Do as I say or I'll go there and kick your ass, Ashil! – The shaman roared at his minion. Though seemingly impossible for Hao to get so high to Ashil, the boy released from the board and fell on top of Peyote. The portal then opened again and the Zeppelin disappeared through it, the portal closing behind it, only the insane idiotic laughter of the Goblins and his little brother's sobs remaining for a few seconds.

Hao blinked. He seemed like coming out of a trance.  
- Ashil! Why the hell did you let go of the Zeppelin!? – The shaman yelled furiously.  
- You told me to, you idiot! – Ashil snapped and stood up from Peyote.  
- I did… I did… I did WHAT!? – Hao stuttered. The expression on everyone's faces was indescribable, so I won't describe it. Hao gritted his teeth and roared:

- Author, you did this, didn't you!? You made me OC for a brief duration, so that my stupid brother could get away with that necrophile and that little wench, didn't you!? You've been planning this from the beginning!!!

Then a sign in the sky appeared:

"_Actually, I thought that up a minute ago_."

- **_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!_** HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THEM TO ANOTHER SECTION, WHICH IS NOT EVEN IN THE ANIME CATEGORY!?!?!?  
Hao kept screaming the breath out of his lungs for half an hour, slamming his fists against the ground in defeat, completely forgotten in anger.

* * *

Horo and Lily were floating through the cavern, unaware of the events that had transpired moments ago.

- Hey, where did Yoh go? – Horo finally realized that there was no one following them.  
- Yeah… - Lily drawled confusedly.

Horo faced her, a smile emerging on his transparent face.

- Lily… you know that I've always loved you. I've wanted to be with you for a very long time, and even though our lives have ended, this time has come at last.

Lily nodded, ghostly tears of happiness flowing from her eyes.  
- Let's forget about this world and… continue… to a better place.

She took his hand in a loving grip.  
- Yes, my love… let's go.

The young couple started glowing and disintegrating in the air. Second later, they both disappeared and only a beautiful white sparkle marked the spot where they left this world and passed away to Heaven.

And miles away from this place, the two remaining X-Laws realized that their plain was going to crash in the desert any moment now.

* * *

**FROM THE AUTHOR**: Done! Another chapter completed! I wish to give credit to Five Seas for giving me the idea to turn Horo Horo and Lily into couple. I hope I didn't screw up the scene, I tried to make it as romantic and non-parodic as possible. The next chapter will also be written, based on ideas given to me by Five Seas herself! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as you enjoyed reading this chapter. 


	34. Marco's Misfortunes

**Chapter Thirty Two**: Marco's Misfortunes

**From the Author**: Alright, I feel great! Starting new chapter in 3 AM feels better than anything, considering the fact that I have school tomorrow! I've just had an idea… but some of you won't like it. Well, I'll keep it a surprise and see if I make it reality in the progress of this story!  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own Shaman King, Bleach, Speedy Gonzales or anything else written here. The camels are not mine either, take them if you wish.

* * *

Marco was gazing in a vexed way at the broken plane. It was a pure miracle that he and Jeanne were still alive… or maybe the Author was feeling in a good mood that moment? 

- Jeanne-sama, I'm afraid we'll have to go back. – Marco said with a firm expression. – The nearest town if miles away from our location, but I think that I saw a river while we were falling down.

- How uncommonly for you, Marco. – The maiden answered. – I was expecting that a bigoted self-righteous zealot like you would be more concentrated on saving me, first, rather than staring in the space.

- I beg for apology, milady, but I am afraid that some sand filled my ears. I did not hear a word from what you just said. – The man explained politely.

- Ah, never mind. – Jeanne sighed and looked around. The desert was completely… desolate. She wasn't very good with words right now, seeing as the heat was drying up her pretty silver hair and her pretty little brain, filled with innocent and righteous ideals and understandings of the world. However, nobody knew her dark secret… nor Marco's.

- Hey, wait a minute! We don't have any dark secrets! – Marco and Jeanne exclaimed in unison.  
- Oh, yes, you do! – TheArchon said.

- You are making all this up just to make us look bad in front of all our fans! – Marco screamed at the incorporeal voice. There was only silence now. A few seconds later Jeanne uttered:  
- Ugh… Marco, I didn't know that we have fans.  
- Of course we do! – The blond X-Law stated priggishly. – We have the entire Catholic church and my aunt Jully behind our back!  
- Your… aunt? – The girl mumbled in a stunned voice.  
- Precisely! – Marco smirked. – What more do we need to survive? With loyal fans like these, we can achieve anything!

Jeanne frowned.  
- Can we survive in this desert with their help?

Marco pulled a long face and stooped in defeat.  
- Ugh… no. – He uttered desperately.

Jeanne got an angry mark on her temples.  
- Well, what the hell are they for anyway!? – She cried out angrily.

Marco pointed a finger at the skies and shouted out gloriously:  
- Moral support!

Jeanne sighed. She grumbled under her nose:

- Marco, I sometimes wonder why I accepted you in the X-Laws…

- Because of my irresistible charm and good looks, of course! – The man replied immediately and made a 'handsome' expression with a shining smile and a Thumb up. Little did he know that the reader was probably laughing his/her ass off while reading Marco doing this.

Jeanne exhaled even more desperately.

- Man, you sure are useless. – She muttered, very out of character. Marco was about to object angrily, but a thunder that shook the earth interrupted him. Something was running towards them and it was making the ground tremble. The two of them looked in the direction of the sound. They saw a giant cloud of sand and dust wreathing in the distance.

- What the hell is that? – Marco murmured confusedly. The sound was getting louder.  
- Sounds like a stampede. – Jeanne suggested. She sniffed the air and made a disgusted expression. – Ugh… smells like camels.  
- Impossible! – Marco exclaimed, as the cloud was nearing them with incredible speed. – Everybody knows that there are no camels in Ameri…

Then they emerged from the gigantic cloud: hundreds, probably thousands of camels, horses, donkeys, sheep, cows, goats, chickens and sorts of livestock were charging right towards Marco. At the peak of the motley herd was a rabbit with purple smoke coming out of its ears and maddened eyes, locked straight forward. It was obviously possessed by some evil force. On its back was riding a fat cupid with curly blond hairs and a bow in his hands. It had a viciously evil smirk on its face. It screamed at Marco:

- Love is gonna get you!!!

It pulled an arrow out of its quiver, settled it between its fingers, pulled the string and pointed it at Marco. The Cupid's grin widened. Corny music, accompanied by Latin Chorus, played in the background.

The blond guy went bug-eyed. His face turned blue.

- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!! – Marco shrieked like a little girl and scampered away faster than Speedy Gonzales himself. Jeanne was left looking like the Mona Lisa of Utter Bewilderment, with eyes the size of dinner plates and a mouth hanging loose.

Marco was jogging at high speed like a very motivated participant in a marathon during exercise. The sight of an evil fat blond cupid pointing an arrow with a red heart-shaped gad at you could make anyone travel with the speed of a cheetah. Marco was making a very spectacular and impressive run in a large circle around Jeanne. Though human legs cannot run at high speed for a long time, Marco looked like someone who would run _forever_ as long as there was a threat chasing him. Unfortunately, we could not bear witness to this sight, seeing as Marco tripped in a rock and fell prostrate on the ground. A myriad of livestock trampled all over him, silencing his shrieks of pain. In real life, not even the toughest human would survive a punishment such as this, but seeing as this is a parody and a fiction, Marco survived with just scratches.

He rose up and screamed triumphantly:  
- Hahahah! Can't own me, bitches! My Uber-Anime defenses are too strong for ya, aren't they!?

Suddenly, the cupid flew above him and took aim at his head. Marco looked up just in time as the Cupid said:

- Who's your daddy?

He shot the arrow and it hit right in Marco's forehead.

- **HEADSHOT**! – The cupid screamed victoriously and fluttered away.

Marco managed to stand up and pluck the arrow out of his head. For his own surprise, it didn't hurt at all. He blinked.  
- What the hell… was this supposed to kill me? There isn't even a wound!

He sat on the ground and sighed deeply.  
- Jeez… weird stuff are happening since the beginning of this story… Maybe the Author has decided to leave me alone already…

He looked in front of his legs. A little lizard was crawling there. When Marco saw it, the cupid arrow took effect: his eyes popped out and turned in the shape of hearts, a pink cloud engulfed his mind and his heart raced faster than ever.

Marco fell in love with a lizard.

- Oh, merciful Mother of Lord! – He exclaimed in euphoria. – Oh, generous Faith! Oh, sweet Mashed Potatoes! Oh, Author, I thank thee for bestowing upon me the dulcet essence of pure love!

He kneeled before the lizard, took it gently in its palm, brought it to the level of his face, and started reciting a poem to the puzzled creature:

_Is life passion,_

_Or passion is life?_

_They say to live is to feel,_

_I doubt it seriously._

_I am not dead,_

_But I do not feel,_

_Thus life is not passion,_

_Nor passion is life._

_Life is survival,_

_Survival is life,_

_The thrill of every day,_

_Is what makes one go,_

_Yet I am not human,_

_As I have no past,_

_My life is silence,_

_And bittersweet lies._

_Oh, I wish I could take flight,_

_Spread my wings and fly in the night. _

(poem by_ **five ****seas**)_

Marco froze with a handsome, irresistable expression of pure fulfillment and a smile of happiness and love, locked on his countenance. He was expecting a response of some sorts from his beloved creature.

The lizard blinked and licked Marco's nose.

- OH, JOY! OH, SWEET DIVINE LOVE! – The X-Law yelled out happily and span around. Birds were singing spring songs around him and there were hearts popping around his head.

Jeanne, who was watching the whole scene from a distance, frowned at her subordinate.

- Man, that sure is stupid! – She said angrily.

* * *

_ONE WEEK LATER_

- We are forced to interrupt this program for a special report!

Hao, Ashil, Machi and Peyote moaned in discontet at the sight of their favourite soap opera, 'The Bold and The Beautiful'. The guy started with the news:

- Only three hours ago, an Italian shaman contracted a marriage with a little green lizard in a small church in Texas! This ridiculous marriage has been marked as the first human-animal relationship in the whole history of mankind! The newly-weds are celebrating their union in a small pub in the center of the town. The only witnesses to this event were a little silver-haired girl with a grey dress, mumbling angrily how stupid all of this was, and a drunk fat French guy who just happened to be near the scene of the marriage.

The camera showed Marco, who was crying in joy, holding a glass of wine and explaining how happy he was, and his wife, the lizard, shooting its tongue around and eating flies.

- This is the happiest day of my life! – Marco yelled once more before Hao took the remote control and switched the TV off.  
- Wasn't that the X-Laws guy from before? – Machi noticed in surprise. Hao sat on his chair and resumed eating his hot dog.  
- Yup, that was him, alright. – Ashil concluded gloomily. – You see, Machi! People are already marrying lizards and you don't even let me have sex with you anymore!

Machi faced Ashil away with an offended expression.

- I hope they have a good life together. – Peyote wished.

- Let's hope they do. – Ichigo Kurosaki from _Bleach_ agreed. He was sitting with Renji Abarai and Luppi at the table next to Hao's. – Marriages today don't last very long.

The Shaman King characters goggled at the characters from Bleach.

- WHAT THE HELL!? – The four screamed in amazement and pointed at them. – WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING IN THE SHAMAN KING UNIVERSE!?

- Hey, wait a minute, you bastards! – Renji stood up. – What are YOU doing in OUT universe!?

- This isn't YOUR universe! It's OURS! – Hao roared out.

- Then how do you explain this? – Luppi pointed his sleeve at a sign hanging on the wall. It was saying:

"_Welcome to Bleach Inn  
All characters of Bleach are welcome here._

_Characters from other Animes: Stay out!"_

Hao stood there with his jaw hanging loose.  
- You guys are not allowed in here! – Ichigo said angrily and took his zanpaktou.

Hao scanned the inn from left to right. It was filled with Bleach characters: Rukia, Orihime, Sado, Ishida, Kon, Urahara, Yoruichi, Ichigo's father and two sisters, the Urahara Shop residents, the captains and lieutenants from the Gotei 13, all of the Bounts, the Arrancar, including Aizen, Tousen, Gin, twenty-eight Hollows (sitting in the other end of the room), and even Don Kanonji were here. They all seemed really pissed off.

- Then why the heck were you showing news from our Anime's universe? – Machi pondered as all of the inn's residents stood up and walked ominously towards the SK four. Ashil, Peyote and Hao were turning pale. The sigh of Kenpachi Zaraki and Grimmjow Jeagerjaques drawing out their weapons was enough to make them crap their pants, which they did, of course.

- We're fucked! – Hao squeaked out in horror before being blocked from the reader's view by tons of angry folks.

* * *

**From The Author:** End of chapter. The idea for the cupid was entirely **five seas'**, and the poem is hers as well, so I give the credit to her. I'd like to see some comments now! It's been a while since someone commented. 


	35. This Is Not A Crossover

**Chapter Thirty Three:** This Is Not A Crossover!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Shaman King, nor do I own Bleach. Don't even think about suing me, for I am protected by the mighty potato legion of this site!  
Wait… am I?

* * *

Hao gulped.

Ashil and Machi were turning pale. Their eyes were locked on the huge crowd of angry Bleach characters coming towards them alarmingly, with the Arrancar leading the front. They were all looking at the intruders with the distinguishable intention to kill.

Hao, Machi and Ashil were shaking like leafs. Only Peyote was standing still, a pensive frown locked on his eyebrows. Suddenly, a bulb popped above his head and flashed, and Peyote's mouth widened in a grin under his mask. He turned around and started rummaging under his poncho. Hao noticed the Mexican through the horror that had overtaken him engaging in his activity, now mixed with bewilderment.

- Peyote! – Hao exclaimed like a madman. – What the HELL are you doing!?

- Saving us. – The druggy answered, keeping his cool. From what Hao could see, Peyote had pulled out a sheet of paper and was holding a black marker in his hand. Hao heard him drawing fiercely on the paper. Sweat drops were rolling down the Spaniard's face. The pyromaster turned around to see Grimmjow's evil smirk approaching.

- Peyote! – Hao squeaked in a thin voice.

The Mexican suddenly turned back and strutted his chest. Hao, Ashil and Machi's eyes turned into plates of stupefaction.

- Espera, amigo! ¿Yo soy un Arrancar tambíen, nó comprendés?  
_Translation:_"Wait, guys! Don't you see I'm also an Arrancar?"

Peyote had drawn a large black hole on the sheet and taped it to his chest.

All of the Arrancar stopped dead in their tracks. The Shinigami behind them started pushing against them before they could realize that the front of the crowd had suddenly stopped moving. The Arrancar gazed at Peyote with wide eyes and jaws hanging loose in a manner similar to the one of a hungry dog that had just sunk its teeth in a steak but had found out a moment later that it was actually a rubber toy.

- ¿Qué? – All of them asked while staring confusedly at him.  
_(Translation_: "What?")

Hao shut his jaw tightly and made a very strange face of both fright, desperation and nonplus.

- ¿Mirá, es mi horancho de Hollow, no? Es mas grande que mi cabeza.  
_(Translation_: "See my Hollow hole? It's bigger than my head.")

The Números, Espada and Privaron Espada lowered their heads forward and locked their eyes on the crappily drawn hole on Peyote's chest.

Hao shut his eye tight. Disturbing thoughts overtook his entire being:

'_Shit! That stupid stoner thought he could outsmart them! This is probably the most idiotic thing I've ever seen in my entire existence. Only a total retard can fall for a stupid trick like that! The only thing he'll do is piss them off even more! They'll break all of our bones and tear us to pieces!...'_

After scrutinizing and brooding over the drawn black hole on Peyote's chest for five minutes, Grimmjow finally spoke:

- ¿Es que el habla en **Espa****ñ****ol**?  
_(Translation_: "Is he speaking **Spanish**?")

- Sí. – Ulquiorra nodded calmly.  
(Translation: "Yes.")

The Arrancar fixed Peyote again. For a moment, the Mexican's expression froze stiff.

'_Shit_!' Hao though for the last time and gritted his teeth, getting ready for a world of pain.

Suddenly, Grimmjow's jolly voice cut through the air:

- Amigo!  
_(Translation_: "Friend!")

- Amigo! – Nnoitra repeated.

- Amigo!! – All of the Espada and Arrancar screamed out, grabbed Peyote, lifted him in the air and carried him on their hands above their heads, while yelling and laughing cheerfully.

Hao's jaw finally hit the ground. This was a moment he would remember for the rest of his life, as well as his next eight lives. Though the crappy drawing of a black hole on a sheet of paper, tapped to Peyote's chest, was the most idiotic thing Hao had ever seen, it appeared that the Arrancar were willing to accept _**anyone**_as an Arrancar as long as he spoke Spanish.

- Hao-sama, please, close your mouth… or at least conceal it with something. People are starting to stare at us! – Ashil murmured nervously a few seconds after their Mexican comrade had been carried off to a long table in the other end of the inn. Hao frowned and ordered his minions to follow after Peyote. They saw him surrounded by laughing and smiling faces of Arrancar, tapping his shoulders and asking him all sorts of questions. The sexy Halibel was sitting right next to Peyote and the Mexican was not hesitating to study every single part of her with his eyes, hidden behind his goggles. Hao saw where his underling was staring at, jabbed him in his back and murmured in his ear:

- I advise you to stop being so obvious, else people might stop liking you that much.

Szayel Apollo Granz was sitting from Peyote's left, manifestly interested in the new 'Arrancar'.

- I don't remember seeing you before in Hueco Mundo. – He drawled with a smile. – Who are you?

- I am Peyote. – The Mexican answered.

- Peyote? That's… an interesting name. – The Espada muttered with a polite smile.

- What's the name of your zanpaktou? – Nnoitra asked curiously.

Peyote was so lucky to have that mask and goggles covering his face. They were the only things that concealed the confusion and fright that instantly overwhelmed him when asked a question he couldn't understand.

Behind him, Ashil was gathering information about 'Bleach', his fingers tapping on the keyboard of a small laptop, which had appeared out of nowhere.

- The hell did you get that from!? – Hao and Machi inquired in amazement.

- Out of nowhere. – Ashil replied evenly. Hao and Machi fell over.

Five seconds later Ashil snuck behind Peyote and whispered something in his ears. The Mexican belched forth:

- Sin Cerebro Idiota.

_(Translation_: Brainless Idiot)

All of the Arrancar around Peyote burst out in unrestrained laughter. Yammi was bending in two and was trying to catch his breath. Grimmjow fell from his seat and started suffocating from laughter on the ground, ten seconds later he died with a huge grin on his face. The only one who wasn't laughing was Ulquiorra, probably because he was too cool to laugh at the lame name of Peyote's zanpaktou. Peyote turned around and glared at Ashil, who was snickering nastily.

Five minutes later, after suffering fifteen more casualties from uncontrollable laughter, the Arrancar, now thinned out in number, sat back on their seats and looked at Peyote, now trying to restrain their smiles. The fraud Mexican Arrancar was feeling a bit uncertain now. Sweat was rolling down his neck. The last thing he needed now was another one of Ashil's idiotic pranks.

He strolled his eyes along the row of Arrancars, sitting on the other side of the table. There were just a few women, the majority consisted of males in varying age… however, there was one person among them that seriously disturbed Peyote. His eyes widened in amazement.

- What is a jar of pickles doing dressed in that suit!? – He exclaimed before he could stop himself.

The Mexican nearly died from shock when the jar of pickles suddenly turned around and spoke with a metalic voice:

- **I am not a jar of pickles! I am the 9****th****Espada, Aaroniero Arruruerie!**

Peyote scratched his chin pensively.

- Strange… you look very much like a jar of pickles, but you say you are not…  
- **Of course I am not! I am an Arrancar!  
**- Those things inside your jar look very much like pickles…  
- **They are not pickles, you retard! THOSE ARE MY HEADS!**– The Espada roared furiously.

Peyote narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

- Are you SURE you are not a jar of pickles? – He inquired for the last time.  
**  
- I – AM – NOT – A – JAR – OF – PICKLES!!**

Peyote grinned, leaned back on his seat and said.  
- Alrighty then. I guess you are a pair of testicles then.

Just as Aaroniero was about to pull out his sword and decapitate the foolish Mexican Arrancar, the fake Hollow hole attached to Peyote's chest fell off.

Time slowed down.

Hao's eyes widened.

Machi and Peyote turned pale.

All of the Arrancar gasped in surprise.

Peyote felt his breakfast leaking out of his anus.

Szayel Apollo Granz recoiled.

Yammi's jaw hung open.

Ulquiorra blinked.

Time sped up again. Everyone was standing like petrified, staring at the piece of paper with the crappily drawn Hollow hole. Hao was about to pass out.

Peyote slowly reached out to get his Hole, but a sword nearly cut his fingers off.

- Imposter! – Yammi roared furiously. – You are not an Arrancar!

Peyote let out a sound, which was a mixture of a hiccup and a bird in the mating season.

- He's not even from '_Bleach'_! – Stark slammed his fist against the table.

Peyote did the amazing feat of doing a backflip, landing on his feet and running backwards towards the door. Hao, Machi and Ashil reacted admirably fast and sprinted after their Mexican comrade.

- Capture the imposters! – Aizen ordered and pointed at the exit.

The army of angered Arrancar jumped and rushed after the shamans, shouting threats and curses at them.

* * *

- Peyote, that was quite a spectacular backflip you did back then. – Hao praised his underling as they were running for their lives.

- Thank you, Hao-sama! – Peyote gasped out. – I am doing everything in my power to be as useful to you as I can be!

Ashil didn't dare turn around to look at the crowd of pissed off Arrancar chasing them.

- Hao-sama, how the hell are we going to get out of this dimension? – The kid asked with a frown.

- How should I know!? – Hao answered angrily. – I don't know how we ended up here in the first place!

**+-+-+ SNAP +-+-+**

Hao, Ashil, Machi and Peyote all crashed in a tree, letting out a very comical moan of pain. Alas, they were the only once who didn't find any of this funny.

A minute later Hao stood up, rubbed his head and murmured:

- How the hell… We're back in Patch!

Machi opened her eyes and spoke:

- Could it be that TheArchon transported us back here?

- _**You are getting more clever with every passing chapter, Machi, my**_ **_dear._** – A divine voice commended the girl.

- So it was you!? – Ashil roared out and pointed at the skies. – Why the hell did you do that!?

- _**I had a writer's block and made a filler chapter.**_– TheArchon answered cheerfully.

- WHAT DID YOU DO!? – The four shamans exclaimed.

- **_Hey, stop bitchin' and be grateful that I brought you back! Or do you want me to send you back there? Those Arrancars would be very pleased to see you._**

The shamans shook their heads in fright.

- **_Very well then. Farewell, young ones! Follow your dreams and never give up!_**– TheArchon exclaimed mightily. –** Destiny still awaits you!**

And with that, he was gone. The foursome stood like petrified for a few minutes, then Ashil muttered gloomily:

- Why the hell did he say that crap just now!?

Hao frowned and answered:

- Screw this guy, he's a total lunatic. Right now, we have to find a way to get Yoh!

Someone stalked behind Hao. The pyromaster suddenly turned around in panic, afraid that Faust might have come back to do something naughty to him. For his reliev, it was Silver.

- I think I know of a way to reach Yoh. – The Patch Priest spoke with a smile.

* * *

**From The Author:** End of Chapter! Big thanks to **five seas** for helping me with the Spanish dialogue! We are slowly approaching the end, so sit tight and don't stop reading! Post reviews, please! I'd like to hear more opinions!


	36. Freezer

**Chapter Thity Four:** Freezer

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Shaman King, Warcraft, Naruto, nor the Naruto fans.  
Secondly, the name of the chapter will have nothing in common with the content whatsoever. I just didn't have any good ideas for the name.

* * *

- And now the news! Yesterday, the blond man who married a lizard was arrested after the police discovered eighty gigabytes of child and animal porn on his computer. It appears that the man has been collecting pictures of boys of the age between 12 and 14 and selling them at ridiculously high prices. The man was also found to be a former pedophile, the perpetrator or the hideous crimes three years ago with the little French girl and her older brother in New York, as well as the thief who stole a crocodile and two monkeys from a New York zoo only months after his act of pedophilia. The case is going to begin next week and I certainly hope that the man is found guilty for his crimes and sentences for life…

Silver switched the TV off. Hao, Machi, Ashil and Peyote were standing behind the Priest, utterly dumbfounded.

- See what happens when you keep shit like that on your computer? – He asked angrily. – I told him to erase all that shit, but he just didn't listen!!

Hao raised a questioning hand.

- Ugh… how is any of this connected to bringing Yoh back?

- It isn't. – Silver shrugged with a smile. – But now we'll have to get on with the more serious things. Here you stand and ask me how to get your twin brother back to this Universe, right?

Hao nodded.

- It's actually very simple. All you have to do is this: Gather eight shamans with Furyoku amounts greater than 45,508, but less than 81,277…  
**EIGHT HOURS LATER**  
- …and then you skin the cat, blow the dog whistle, feed the macaroni to the giraffe and slap your hands six times, all at the same time, and there you have it: a portal will open right in front of you that will lead you straight to where your brother is!

Silver expected an applause or something, but there was only silence. Probably because the four shamans in front of him were dazed off to some different dimension of their minds. Hao was the first one to snap back.

- Ugh… yeah… right, of course. But is the boiled egg and the decapitated Naruto fan really necessary?

- Of course! – Silva was shocked. – How do you expect to open a portal without spilling the blood of a Naruto fan!?

- Well… I don't know... Nah, whatever, you're the specialist here. – Hao forced a smile on his face after listening to Silver's gibberish. Of course, Ashil was the only one who doubted the awesomeness of Silver's portal summoning abilities. He murmured:

- I can't possibly imagine how an insane plan like this will get Yoh back!

- You have to believe! – Silver raised a finger majestically. – Belief will do anything!

- Yeah, right… - The boy murmured gloomily.

- So you guarantee that this will open a portal that will send us to the dimension where Yoh is? – Peyote inquired.

- Absolutely! – The Patch Priest answered.

- …I used to believe that my girlfriend would have sex with me every day, but I was dead wrong… - Ashil was murmuring under his nose, but no one was paying attention to him.

- Your hearts must be resolute in order to fulfill this task! – Silver continued dramatically.

- …And what do I get? Nothing. All she does is complain about shit…

- However, you must all prove your resolution to me, before beginning your mission!

- …Yeah, I believed it, alright, and what did I get for believing? A foot up my ass. Literally… To think about it, is there actually any reason for me to live?...

- You must leave all of your belongings here.

- …I don't have any fans to support me… My Oversoul sucks and I actually suck at everything I do… I didn't even exist in the God-damn manga… I was supposed to be a filler character for the crappy anime who would get killed by the fuckin X-Laws and then be completely forgotten… damnit, why does the whole world hate me?...

- You must leave your money, your valuables, your weapons, even all of your clothes here, and then dance in a circle and yell 'Ha-Uuuh-Haaaah Majutaaaah' thirty times. Only this way you can prove your resolution in fulfilling your quest!

- ...Just believing does shit. Actions are important… - Ashil suddenly snapped back and screamed: - **SAY WHAT?!**

- **SAY WHAT!?** – Hao and the rest screamed as well.

- Why are you so flabbergasted about hearing my conditions? – Silver inquired seriously. – It is the only way, I tell you!

Hao and his underlings scowled at Silver. Their suspicion grew with every second listening to him. First of all, why was he helping them? Wasn't he Yoh's cousin and a Hao-hater? Weren't the Patch allied against Hao and determined to hinder him in every thing he tried to achieve? And didn't that guy run away from Patch several chapters before, while screaming like a little girl? How did he come back? Was TheArchon really that demented to continue writing this story and changing the time-continuum. Did he enjoy distorting the universe so much!? Furthermore, Silver's plan already seemed too crazy and now this 'resolution proof' just went too far.

- Ashil, Peyote, Machi, get him. – Hao ordered his minions calmly. His underlings lunged at the Priest, beat the crap out of him and tied him to a pole. The Asakura left the whimpering Patch behind and ordered his minions to move.

- Where are we going now, Hao-sama? – Machi asked.

- To Patch library, of course. – Hao answered impartially. – This is where all of the information of this village is stored. There we should find a way to get my brother back.

They entered the library and were not surprised to find it empty. They walked around the corridors and looked at the shelves.

- What are we looking for exactly, Hao-sama? – Machi inquired while looking through one of the lower rows of a shelf.

- 'Time and Dimensions Travels' – Hao answered and started looking through the shelves himself. Five minutes later he left this shelf and looked at his minions. Ashil was looking for the book, murmuring under his nose again, and Peyote was busy reading a magazine. Hao glared at his idle minion. He got even angrier when he noticed that Peyote was reading a Playboy.

- Peyote! – Hao roared and snatched the magazine out of the Mexican's hands. – The hell are you doing!? Didn't I tell you to look for the damn book!?

- I was, Hao-sama, I really was, I swear! – The Spanish justified himself and waved his hands. – I saw this magazine and I thought it was suspicious-looking, so I took it and…

- Shut up. – Hao ordered. – I do not want to listen to your lame excuses anymore.

He leafed through the pages, then stopped in the middle of the Playboy and burbled out with a nose-bleed:  
- Boobies…

Just as Machi was about to scold her master, a page from an old book fell from the Playboy. Hao closed the magazine and looked at the page. He picked it up and read it carefully.

- What is it, Hao-sama? – Ashil muttered and got closer to him.

Hao's eyes widened in amazement and astonishment.

- This is it! The information we've been looking for! – He exclaimed excitedly.  
- What!? Just one page!? – Machi babbled out in surprise.  
- It's the page we need! Here it is described how to open a dimensional portal! It's right here…

He read it.  
After that he lowered the page.  
There was no expression on his face.  
He raised the page in front of his face and read the content again.  
He lowered his hand and dropped the page.  
Then he screeched in anger, fell on the floor and started pounding it with his fists. Ashil picked the page up and read it. His face twisted in shock and bafflement.

- What the hell!? – He exclaimed while Hao was making holes on the floor. – Those are the same requirements that idiot Silver told us about!

Peyote's jaw hit the floor.

Minutes later, they were out of the library and heading back to the Patch Priest. They untied him, sincerely apologized to him and begged for his forgiveness.

- Just don't ever doubt my word! – He stated gloomily. The Priest removed a hair from his face and exclaimed:

- Let us begin!

* * *

In the meantime, in a distant dimension far away from here, Yoh, Tamao and Faust were running for their lives from a tribe of hungry trolls.

- Faust! – Yoh yelled. – What the hell is this place!?  
- Our new home! – He gabbled out happily.

Yoh and Tamao burst out in tears.

* * *

And in another place, Anna, the Ice Queen Bitch of Hell, was planning her return.  
And so was _**Timmy**_…

* * *

**From the Author**: Mwahahahhah… Prepare… Timmy returns! Review after reading, please!


	37. The Two Messengers

**Chapter Thirty Five**: The Two Messengers

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King, Bleach, Full Metal Alchemist, Naruto or any of its fans. I advice you not to sue me! Okay?... Please?...

* * *

- Let us begin! – Silver exclaimed and spread his arms, as if he was going to take off.

-+-+-

Now, at first I thought that it would be interesting to depict the scene of Hao and his minions dancing around naked and screaming like idiots, but I thought that it would be too offensive. So how about we just skip to a more innocuous part following the completion of the Approval Dance?

-+-+-

Silver was counting the money he had made after selling all of the stuff Hao and his followers gave away, completely ignoring the sound of chattering teeth and sneezing behind him. He snickered greedily, snuggled his money, smelled them and even kissed them.

- That g-g-g-greedy b-b-bastard! – Hao grumbled with gritted teeth. Two seconds later he sneezed hard and fell on his butt. Hao was the one complaining the loudest, because the others didn't have the voice to utter a word. Peyote didn't get a blanket to cover his body, so the only thing keeping him warm was his own sombrero, positioned over the most important, sensitive and private part of his body.

The Asakura glanced gloomily at Silver, now dressed as a rapper, and his jaw hit the ground. He had never imagined the Patch priest with a _bling_!

- Yo, wassup, yo! – Silver greeted them and gave them the East Side sign. Everyone got a WTF expression. Hao grumbled:

- You suck! Don't ever do that again!

- Alright, alright… - Silver sighed and started acting more seriously. – You have successfully completed the first part of the ritual. You are now ready to commence with the second and final part of the ritual, which, if performed properly, will open a portal to the sanctuary where your brother is hiding. Now, as I explained to you earlier, you need to gather several objects, which will be required to begin the channeling…

- 'Several' objects… - Ashil murmured with a sulk.

-…I will repeat what you have to do and what you have to bring here, so that we can—

- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! – Hao and his minions screamed in unison. They didn't want to waste eight more hours of their lives.  
- Don't make us go through that hell again! – Machi exclaimed. – We know what we have to do!  
- We do? – Peyote wondered confusedly.  
- Very well! – Silver cried out majestically. – Waste no more time! Begone! Complete your quest till dawn!

- Till dawn?... – Peyote murmured as the foursome walked away, beginning the most ridiculous scavenger hunt ever know in mankind's history. Hao pulled out the list with all the things they needed. He sighed deeply, sat on a rock and took and took a look of all the items on the list. That little look took him more than two minutes. The shamans stood up, sighed again and ordered his minions to follow him.

Alright. Now, you realize that I can just sit all day on my lazy ass and think up all that crap Hao has to find, but that will make the chapter _**VERY**_ _**LONG**_. I'll sort out the most important, key items which Hao needed, which included a marble statue of Zeus, Thor's hammer, a two-headed sheep, a golden tripod, a rusty axe which was used to cut off thirty-eight pine trees, a dark-brown gold fish, three carrots, the first 3,65 centimeters long, the second – 5,55cm and the third – 10,12cm long and in the shape of a sickle, a decapitated Naruto fan, a thermometer and a boiled egg.

Hao and his devoted underlings returned from their task minutes before it dawned. Peyote was the one destined to carry the sack which was now known as 'The Fuckin Big-Ass Sack', a name which will be remembered by Peyote for the rest of his life. Hao's eyes were bloodshot, his left eyebrow was twitching uncontrollably.

- We brought your shit! – He grumbled angrily. Hao snapped with fingers and Peyote placed The Fuckin Big-Ass Sack right in front of Silver. The Priest was stunned.

- Damn! That's one big-ass sack!

Silence.

- Yes. – Peyote said after a while. – I know.

- Very well then! – Silver exclaimed and raised his hands in the air… yet again. – You have fulfilled the final, most important part of the ritual! The time for the channeling draws close!

Hao allowed a smile to pop up on his face. Four and a half seconds later it faded away.

- Wait a second. Did you just say 'The time for the channeling draws close'? – Hao inquired with an extended index finger.

- Yes! I actually did! – Silver nodded with a grin.

- '**Draws close'**!?

- Yeeeesss!! – Silver exclaimed enthusiastically.

- Are you saying that there is another thing that we must do before you start the channeling!?

- Yeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss!! There is!!

Hao roared out:

- WHAT IS IT!?

Silver lowered his hands in front of his abdomen, took his hands in a praying gesture and fiddled with his thumbs. His eyes were shifting around, there was a nervous grin on his face now.

- You… ugh…have to arrange them in a specific way if you want the spell to actually work.

The expression on Hao's face would have sold for millions on Ebay. It's a pity no one took a picture of it or videotaped it.

The scream of anger that he emitted several seconds later was heard in a radius of six miles. Windows broke, little critters died at spot and Marco fell from the bed in his cell right on top of his cellmate, some very nasty things and a buttache for the X-Law ensuing from this incident.

* * *

Hao and his minions were positioning the different objects at specified places in a wide circle around the boiled egg. They were doing it as fast as they could, seeing as there were just nine minutes till dawn. The Asakura was forced to cease with his efforts to bend the decapitated Naruto fan's right arm so that the fingertips would touch the toes of the left foot, because Peyote and Ashil had started an angry argument concerning the correct locations of a rubber duckling and a broken toothbrush.

- The fuckin toothbrush has to go _there_! – The Mexican stated and pointed at somewhere.

- I say that the Goddamn duckling goes _over_ _there_! – The kid exclaimed and pointed at some other direction.

- You ain't listening to me at all, are ya, dumbass!? – Peyote grumbled angrily and poked Ashil on the head. – The rubber duckling and the toothbrush are **toilet articles**, that's why the must stay as close as possible!

Ashil responded by kicking Peyote in the sack. The unfortunate Mexican bend in two and let out a cry of pain.

- YOU aren't listening, idiot! – Ashil roared and waved the rubber duckling in his hand. – Because the duckling and the toothbrush have different shapes and mass, they must stay as far as possible! The duckling goes **there**!

- Over my dead body, you little prick! – Peyote groaned and stood up.

Hao got fed up with everyone's shit and screamed furiously:  
- SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO WORK, BOTH OF YOU BITCHES!

Ashil and Peyote got so scared that they nearly crapped their pants. They resumed doing their duties without any more quarrels or objections.

Five minutes later, everything was ready. Hao, Ashil, Peyote and Machi took a look at their hard work. Just then Silver appeared behind their backs and cried out:

- CONGRATULATIONS!! – Hao and his subordinates nearly jumped out of their skins. – You have successfully completed The Circle of Power!  
- You bloody idiot! You almost gave me a heart attack! – Hao whined out while clutching at his chest.  
- If you ever do that again, I'll kick your ass! – Ashil threatened while trying to catch his breath.  
- Why are you so displeased? Are you not overflowing with joy at the sight of your plans coming so close to completion? – Silver exclaimed with a grin. – I am going to begin the channeling!

Hao was about to whine again, but he forced himself to shut up. An evil grin blossomed on his face.

That was it! He was so close now! The path to Yoh's hideout was about to be revealed soon! Now he wasn't going to fail. Now he was going to track his brother down like a wild animal and kill him with his bare hands! Well, not Yoh's hands, Hao's… ugh, I mean, **Hao** was going to kill Yoh with… Hao's hands… yeah… right. You got what I'm saying, right?

Silver walked towards the center of the circle. As he crossed the line of various objects, the circle started glowing in blue.

- Coooooool. – Peyote moaned out like a stupid kid. – The circle glows in pretty light… just like in Full Metal Alchemist.

Hao completely ignored Peyote breaking the Fourth Wall. His attention was concentrated on Silver, who raised his hands above his head. The light grew stronger.  
Silver's eyes shot open. Fierce wind whirled around him. The air got heavier, as it was suddenly soaked with power.  
The foursome outside the circle was staring with mixed feelings at the sight in front of them.

Ashil was watching at the glowing circle with awe and amazement.

Machi's mouth was half-open and her eyes filled with reverence for the mighty forces raging inside the circle.

Peyote was standing in a still, dramatic posture, the goggles reflecting the azure light and shadows fluttering behind him.

Hao's eyes were slowly widening in hungry expectation. The wind was blowing his hair behind him and a vicious grin was spilling across his face.

Lightnings shot out, coiled and danced around Silver. He shifted his hands around his body in a position, resembling a cross, then placed hem in front of his chest, with a small distance between his fingertips, bend in the form of a bowl. While light flashed between his hands and grew bigger and brighter, concealing Silver and everything around him in a dome of blinding radiance, until…

…

…

Nothing.

The light suddenly disappeared, along with the wind and magnificent force that there was with it. The only thing left was an awkward silence.

Hao blinked.  
Silver blinked.  
Ashil, Machi and Peyote blinked.

Hao's expression was instantly replaced with horror.  
- What the hell happened!? Why did it stop!? – He screamed in despair.

Silver slowly turned around and faced the Asakura.

There was an embarrassed look on his face.  
- Ugh… - He drawled while rubbing the back of his neck. – What day is it today?

Hao blinked again. He rolled his eyes thinking, then answered:  
- Friday?

Silver snapped with his fingers and said:  
- Of course! How could I have forgotten! The ritual can be performed on any day, except on Friday!

Hao's eyes grew the size of dishes. So did Ashil's, Machi's and Peyote's.  
- It seems that we will have to repeat the ritual some other day. – Silver concluded with a pensive expression. – Is tomorrow okay?

He took a look at the people in front of him. The priest turned pale when he saw how _**angry**_ Hao and his followers were.  
- Ugh… I gotta run now, okay!? – He babbled out when Peyote pulled out an enormous machete from under his poncho. – I have to go see my sick aunt! See you next time, folks!

And with just that, he scampered away with the speed of sound. The four shamans stood there for a few minutes, utterly petrified. Hao fell on his knees and screamed.

* * *

In a different dimension, Yoh chocked with a piece of roasted pork. Tamao got up and patted his back, but seeing as Yoh was still coughing, she kicked him in the stomach, grabbed his arm and spun him above her head, then tossed him into a tree. Yoh spit out his food. Then Tamao went to Yoh and asked him if he was alright in a very worried way. Yoh answered that he was okay and caressed her cheek. Tamao smiled. The two of them embraced each other… and fell asleep. But because Faust was not around at that time, they did some things before they fell asleep which I cannot describe in this fic, seeing as it is not M-rated. To say the least, both Yoh and Tamao were in a **very** good mood the next morning.

* * *

Hao screamed again, and again, and again, and again.

Half an hour later he slowly took a sip from a glass filled with fresh water. His throat was in lots of pain.  
- You shouldn't have screamed like that, Hao-sama. – Machi said sadly.

Hao frowned.  
- Besides, nothing can be solved with screaming. – Ashil added with a frown of his own.

Hao placed the glass on the ground and said angrily:  
- It was so close! I nearly thought that I was gonna get to Yoh!

Ashil chose to remain silent for a while.  
- But that douche bag Silver had to ruin everything! It was all screwed up from the start!

He grabbed the glass, drank the water in it in one breath and threw the glass furiously at a ruined wall, in which the glass broke to pieces.  
- I'm sick of it! – Hao stood up and yelled again. – And you know who's fault it is!?

Everyone gaped at Hao.

- It's all TheArchon's fault! – The Asakura exclaimed and pointed at the skies. – He hates my guts because I'm so much more popular and cooler than he is!

Machi and Ashil's faces slowly turned pale.

- Yeah, that's right! He's a stupid nerd who's all jealous of me and my awesomeness! He wrote this fic with the only purpose to bash me again and again, just so that he can quench the hatred he has towards me!

Peyote gulped. Hao laughed out sneeringly:

- He sucks at everything! He can't even type a single chapter of this lame story without blocking out for three days and then coming back with the same stupid shit he had only days ago!

- _You know that wasn't true, don't you? –_ TheArchon said.

- It's about time you show your ugly face! – Hao yelled angrily and pointed at the sky. – Where are you!? Reveal yourself already!

- _Why did you just say that I had show my ugly face when right now you can't even see me?  
_  
- Shut up! I'm not taking shit from you anymore! I've just realized that I will never be able to find Yoh before I do something a lot more important before that, and that is **killing** **you**!  
_  
- ROFLMAO! That's the craziest shit I've ever heard! You can't do that!_

- Shut up, I said! I'm not listening to you anymore!

Hao sat down and brooded on ways of finding and killing TheArchon.

- _That is impossible. You are a fictional character. I, however, am real. There is no way for us to ever cross ways._

- That's what you say! I'll find a way to get even with you!

- Why do you have to disobey my will? Can't you just follow my divine guidance and live a happy life?

- Divine guidance!? – Hao exclaimed. – A person who drops anvils on people's heads and punishes them with Latin chorus CANNOT OFFER divine guidance!

Hao sat again and murmured pensively:

- One thing is for sure: TheArchon is a guy! No woman would ever do something like this to me!  
- _Not everyone on this planet is your fangirl, Hao.  
_- That's impossible! Every girl is my fangirl! Name me at least one girl who doesn't support me!  
- _Lucy and Anna don't.  
_- Why do you count them as girls??  
- _You are an idiot.  
_- Well you are a sick demented schizophrenic with a split personality who can barely get a hard on even when he sees Pamela Anderson naked!

There was silence. Dark, angry silence. The skies slowly turned red.  
Everyone, except for Hao, trembled in fear.

- I'm not afraid of you anymore, you son of a bitch! – Hao roared out maniacally. - Give me your best shot!

TheArchon's voice was louder than thunder:

- _I WILL TEACH YOU TO FEAR MY WRITING SKILLS!_

An orchestra started playing and the Latin Chorus sang:

_**Di-es i-rae, di-es il-la**_

Machi and Peyote cried out pitifully. Hao grunted.  
- Is that from Yoshihisa Hirano and Hideki Taniuchi?

_**Sol-vet sa-e-clum in fa-vi-lla**_

- The Death Note theme!? From 'Death Note'!? – Hao exclaimed in surprise.  
- We are fucked now! – Peyote, Ashil and Machi moaned out in desolation.

_**Te-ste Da-vid… cum Si-bylla**_

Hao rolled his eyes and drawled:

- Why did you choose such a dramatic and serious Latin chorus for this case? You always tend to be so absurdly hilarious when it comes to the Latin chorus, but now you seem a little irritated.

_**Quaan-tus tre-moooor **_

The clouds whirled around, as if being sucked in a siphon and before everyone's eyes… fire rained from the sky.

_**e-e-est fu-tu-ruuuuus**_

Hao's eyes widened in astonishment.  
- Look out! – Ashil screamed.

_**Quaaan-do ju-dex**_

He ran towards Hao and pulled him back just before the meteorite crashed. The two were tossed from the shockwave onto the ground. Neither of them seemed hurt.

_**e-e-est ven-tu-uuu-ruuus**_

Ashil helped his master stand up.  
- Are you alright, Hao-sama? – The kid asked.

_**Cuuun-cta stric-teee**_

Hao nodded, a little surprised. Just then, more fire rained from the sky. Meteors were soughing through the burning firmament, falling towards the ground.

_**dis-cus-suuu-rus**_

The four of them were standing there, gazing in shock and growing fear of the inferno, seeping from the furious heavens.

_**Cuuun-cta stric-teeee**_

- TheArchon seems really pissed! – Peyote grunted with gritted teeth. Hao was still staring at the sky. His eyes widened in horror as he saw the sky trembling and twitching right above him.

_**dis-cus-suuu-rus**_

Then the sky was split asunder and two giant balls of fire shot from the black hole towards the earth, right where he stood.

It flew with unimaginable speed and it impacted the ground, just three feet away from Hao's astonished face.

_**Quaaan-tus tre-mooor**_

Time slowed down.

A wave of heat and immense force engulfed Hao, causing his clothes and hair to flutter behind him. He saw it.

_**e-e-est fu-tu-u—ruuuus**_

A figure, clad in black armor, wearing a helmet with black raven wings, dark leather gloves, with a giant spiked cudgel hanging from his back, riding the biggest black horse Hao has ever seen, was rising up from the impact area, fire raging around it, curling and coiling upwards, manipulated by an unearthly force.

_**Quaaan-do ju-dex**_

Five seconds later, the second meteor collided with the soil, causing another explosion, not far away from Hao's position. It was another rider, a complete opposite of his companion; he was clad in white armor with a red and a green gem on each shoulder-pad, a white helmet concealing the face with white wings, wielding a shining sword with a golden handle, an ermine mantle fluttering above his head from the impact's force and riding a snow-white horse.

_**e-e-est ven-tu-uuu-ruuus**_

Hao's eyes locked in the ones that were looking at him under the stygian helmet. He shivered in fear. It was the gaze of a god; an infuriated archangel, hungry for revenge, delivering divine judgment to all that stood in his way.

_**Cuuun-cta stric-teee**_

He tore away from the magnificent force in the last moment and stumbled backwards. He fell on the ground, completely powerless before these seraphic beings.

_**dis-cus-suuu-rus**_

- Hao-sama! – Machi screamed. – Run! RUN!!

Hao's face was pale in terror.

_**Cuuun-cta stric-teee**_

The two riders were looking at him. Their expressions were completely concealed because of the helmets, but Hao could feel disgust and disdain radiating from them.

_**dis-cus-suuu-rus**_

Hao crawled away from them with all the strength he had left. From his point of view, the riders seemed unimaginably colossal.The raging fires disappeared, leaving only air, now soaked with the sheer brilliance and blinding perfection of the two riders.

_**Di-es i-rae, di-es il-la**_

Hao was gazing in pure awe at the riders. A pair of large angelic wings spread from both of their backs. The black knight had wings brighter and purer than the sun's own light, while the white knight's left wing was emerald green and the right one was scarlet.

_**Sol-vet sa-e-clum in fa-vi-lla**_

- Who…. – Hao uttered in complete horror and amazement. – Who are you two!?

_**Teeee-ste Daaaa-vid**_

The black rider spoke in a deep, divine voice:  
- **We will be your judges, Hao Asakura.**

_**Teeee-ste Daaaa-vid**_

The knight raised his hands and placed them on his helmet.  
- **My name is… **- He started, as he started pulling the helmet upwards, slowly revealing his face.

_**Teeeee-ste Daaaa-vid**_

Hao, Ashil, Machi and Peyote stared in wonderment as the mysterious angel was about to reveal himself.

Suddenly, he pulled off his helmet, revealing the face of a young girl with grayish-blue hair with pigtails and green eyes, and yelled out cheerfully:  
- Dokuro-chan!

_Music cuts with a nasty screech_.

The atmosphere of divine judgment disappeared.  
Ashil, Machi and Peyote stared with wide eyes.  
Hao had turned into a crappily drawn black-and-white anime caricature, with a stiff expression consisting of wide eyes and a hanging jaw, with shadows around the corners and a grey background.

There was just one word for his current state: **owned**.

* * *

**From the Author:** Didn't see that coming, did you? Furthermore, I don't own Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan or any of the Death Note OST. Next chapter coming up soon!


	38. Punishment desu!

**Chapter Thirty Six:** Punishment-desu!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King, Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan, Rozen Maiden or any of the books I've mentioned here. Furthermore, I would like to give **five seas** credit for giving me the idea of adding Dokuro-chan to the story.

* * *

Ashil was gawking at Dokuro-chan, Machi was about to faint, Peyote's eyebrows were locked together pensively and Hao was still crappily drawn.

Dokuro-chan dismounted her horse and cocked her eyebrows in confusion.

- What the hell is wrong with you people? – Then she made a cute expression and chirped out: - Are you dazed by my charming looks?

Ashil shut his mouth, then opened it again and a second later he shut it again. Nothing came out. He gave up, as the situation was now far beyond just being ridiculous to comment it, put a hand in his pocket, pulled out a packet of pencils and started recolouring the petrified Hao Asakura.

- You certainly are inadequate today. – Dokuro-chan came to a conclusion. She turned around and called her companion: - Suiseiseki, come over here and introduce yourself!

The white horseman alighted her horse, strode towards the shamans and removed her helmet.  
This time, Ashil turned into a crappily drawn black-and-white picture of bewildered muteness. He had recognized where the girl was from. Machi and Peyote's jaws were hanging again.

One green and one red eye were looking at their direction.

- Hi-desu! I am Suiseiseki-desu! It's nice to meet all of you-desu! – She said with a delighted smile on her face.  
- Holy crap! – Machi squaked and clutched at her pigtails. – More people who are not from this anime!

Ashil could not freak out or say anything sarcastic, because he was completely owned.

- The fuckin author should have put this story in the Crossovers section. – Peyote murmured and picked the pencil from Ashil's petrified hand and started coloring him.

- What the hell is wrong with the mood in this place-desu? And by the smell of smoke and dead bodies everywhere it seems that there has been a war in here-desu!

- No kidding? – Machi murmured and rolled her eyes. – We nearly perished in the conflict.  
- But that isn't important anymore! – Dokuro-chan chirped out like the airhead she actually was. – We are here to fix things up!!

Silence. Machi murmured something similar to 'Hurray for saving the planet.', but Suiseiseki didn't hear her.

- We were sent by TheArchon-sama with the divine mission to heal the land after your filthy race has ravaged everything in their greed for power and supremacy! – Dokuro-chan cheeped out with an overjoyed expression like a blond schoolgirl. She was jumping up and down on her spot in excitement.

Peyote finished coloring Ashil's right arm and exclaimed enthusiastically:

- Does that somehow involve cookies and pot?  
- Actually, it does-desu! – Suiseiseki answered with a grin.  
- SWEET! – Peyote cheered like an idiot.

Machi was the only one frowning here. Something was amiss in here… those girls were very strange… and when thinking that, Machi was not including their retarded behavior or their excessive cheerfulness. Something about those two… was _**so**_ _**very**_ _**wrong**_. Machi placed her hands on her hips and asked:

- What is your business here?

Desu… ugh, I mean Suiseiseki blinked with her two different-colored eyes.

- Didn't we just explain that-desu? – She said with a baffled look. – TheArchon-sama ordered us to come here and repair all of the things you stupid shamans broke-desu! – She seemed very irritated right now. – Do you know how many people died in this war you just had-desu!? Do you know how many souls have went to hell this day-desu!? Huh-desu!? Tell me, you stupid girl-desu! Do you realize what you have done in your greed-desu!?

Machi recoiled in fright of all the 'desu' she was forced to hear just now. She babbled out:  
- Yes, I know that a lot of people died! Don't scold be about it, I'm not responsible for what has happened here!

She glanced at her master, who was still in a state of crappy animation. Ashil was now coming to his senses, with a fresh new color and nice anime outlines.

- The only thing I could not understand is why the hell TheArchon had to send you two down here, when he can just make everything all better by just typing stuff on his keyboard?

* * *

+-+-+-

_TheArchon smirked smugly_.

+-+-+-

* * *

Suiseiseki grinned again.  
- Come now-desu! He has to fill up the storyline somehow, doesn't he-desu?

Machi's expression changed to mute amazement. Her eyebrow was twitching.

- Why the hell do you say 'desu' all the time? – She murmured carefully.  
- Why do I say what all the time-desu? – Suiseiseki didn't understand.  
- Why do you say keep saying 'desu'?  
- Why do I keep saying 'desu'-desu?  
- Yes! Why do you keep 'desu'!? You just said it again!  
- So I just said 'Why do I keep saying "desu"desu'-desu? – She checked, completely confused.  
- YES!!  
- I don't know what you're talking about-desu. – Suiseiseki concluded dully.

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHHH!! – Machi screamed furiously. She looked around for something and saw a book (which happened to be 'War and Peace' by Tolstoy), grabbed it and threw it at Suiseiseki, which hit her straight in the face, sending her to Dreamland and finally shutting her up.

Peyote finished coloring Hao, who blinked twice and collapsed with a peaceful look on his face.

- Hao-sama! – Peyote exclaimed and picked his master up. He seemed to be having a nice dream. There was a huge smile on his face and he was drooling.  
- He fell asleep?! – Ashil exclaimed with wide eyes.  
- None of us has slept in days. It's not unnatural to fall asleep like that. – Peyote explained wisely.

Ashil nodded pensively.

- Should we carry him to a more comfortable place? – The kid asked.

- We are standing in a ruined village! Where the hell are we going to find anything comfortable? – Peyote murmured.

- Perhaps if we ask Machi, he can sleep in his lap.

- Hao-sama hasn't washed his hair in quite a while, so I doubt that she will agree to have his filthy flea-infested head in her lap. – Peyote hinted Ashil. The boy took a closer look in his master's hair and recoiled in disgust. The hair did the same. After that he suggested:

- Well, maybe we can get those two airheads over there to build him a shed or make a hammock or something. They did say they were here to help.

- Perhaps, but I don't trust those girls at all. They seem far too… - The Mexican muttered while rubbing his chin. He glanced at Dokuro-chan, who was trying to resuscitate Suiseiseki, but to no avail. In the meantime, Machi was looking for other heavy objects, which could be used to knock Suiseiseki out again.  
- …unreliable. – Peyote finished and cocked his left eyebrow.

Ashil sulked. He sighed and said in defeat:

- Then what the hell are we supposed to do with Hao-sama? We can't just leave him lying here!

Unfortunately, Dokuro-chan heard their conversation and popped up behind their back with a huge grin on her face and screamed out cheerfully:  
- HIIIIIIIIIII!!

Ashil and Peyote nearly died and Hao lost his sleep. He stirred and murmured:

- Kanna's…. sooooo biiiiig… oooh gooooood Lord… melons…

His eyelids slightly opened, letting some sunlight slip inside. He yawned, rubbed his eyes and sat. He closed his eyes again, frowned, very displeased for losing his nice dream of Kanna's bosom, and opened his eyes again. To his shock, Dokuro-chan's face was half inch away from his. He yelped and collapsed.

- You are Hao Asakura, right? – She drawled with a finger on her chin in a cute pose. – TheArchon told me about you. He said that you've been a **veeeeeeeeeeeery naughty boy**.

Blood flushed from Ashil and Peyote's noses. Hao realized that something noteworthy was going to happed.

- Dokuro-chan knows how to reward cute naughty boys like you! – The girl chirped out happily. She leaned forward, letting Hao gape at her low neck, something indecent and perverted which many people simply refer to as Fan Service, with his mouth wide open, and finished with a sweet smile: - Close your eyes and I'll give you a big surprise!

Hao did what he was told. Ashil and Peyote were still gaping at the angel. Machi saw what was going on and her senses quickly told her what was about to happen. She screamed:

- Hao-sama!! LOOK OUT!

Hao turned around, just when Dokuro-chan screamed 'KYYYYYAAAAAAAAAA!!' and swung her giant club at Hao's head.

**SPLAT!!**

* * *

+-+- Due to extreme gore and bloodshed, I will skip this part. Poor Hao. -+-+

* * *

A minute later, Hao was sitting on his ass and rubbing his head. It hurt like hell.

- Sooooorryyyyy! – Dokuro-chan apologized with a cute face. Hao was still frowning.  
- Just don't do it again, okay?

Suiseiseki woke up. She stood up and rubbed her head.

- Ow-desu! – She yelped in pain. Machi bristled up. – My head-desu! Why the hell did you hit my head like that-desu!? What have I ever done to deserve such- **AAAGH!!**

Machi had hit Suiseiseki in the face with 'Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows' (by J. Rowling). Suiseiseki had returned to Dreamland, where she was having a tea party with all her friends and saying 'desu' as many times as she wished, without getting hit by anything in the head by redheads with a bat temper.

- Quit pissing me off, you bitch! – Machi roared out. She turned around and was walking away when Suiseiseki mumbled in her sleep:

- Desu.

Machi turned around with bloodshot eyes. She was looking for something heavy when Ashil came close to her and said:

- Hao-sama requires your presence.  
- Why are you being so formal all of a sudden?  
- I have no idea. – Ashil said with a blank face.

Hao was waving his hands and yelling:  
- Alright, you guys, come here and listen! I need everyone's attention on this one!

The three shamans nodded and listened. Hao smiled in content and continued:

- From everything that has happened to us up till now, I have come to the conclusion that Yoh is impossible to track down or defeat. I assume that it is because he was originally the protagonist of the anime. I am going to postpone my revenge and get on with far more important things; the things that will be of great interest to you and me; the things that were the reason for you to follow me to the ends of the world and endure endless pain because of them. Our main goal: WORLD DOMINATION!

It was about time he said that. Everyone cheered for him. Hao continued, his grin widening:  
- Yes! We will no longer be distracted from our ultimate goal! In three days time, I will become the king of the world!

The cheers suddenly stopped. For two minutes, there were only crickets chirring. Ashil dared brake the silence:  
- Ugh… exactly how are we going to accomplish such an objective in such a short time, Hao-sama?

More silence.  
- Well… ehh… we go to the Holy Ground of Stars and… get the Great Spirits? – Hao murmured and scratched his head.

More silence with cricket chirring. Suddenly, Dokuro-chan appeared and scared Hao shitless, yet again.  
- I can help you!! – She exclaimed cheerfully. Hao was still panting. – With my help, you'll be able to become the king in less than a day!

Hao doubted that Dokuro-chan could even help him find the nearest working diner in the vicinity, but he was already so desperate that he would even accept help from a blind Eskimo or a pink poodle. He nodded in approval. The angel screamed in joy and skipped ahead of them, while humming a happy song.

Everyone followed her quickly. Suiseiseki finally woke up and yelled:

- Hey-desu! Wait for me-desu!

'Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers' and 'Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King' (both by J.R.R.Tolkien) smashed straight in Suiseiseki's face, knocking her out immediately. Machi was snickering evilly.

* * *

**From the Author:** End of chapter! This is the before last chapter of the story, the next one will put the end to 'The Legend Lives Once Again'. Review after you finish reading this chapter, please.


	39. Happy Ending

**Chapter Thirty Seven:** Happy Ending

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Shaman King, Elfen Lied, Bleach, Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan or Rozen Maiden.

**Author's Comment:** The final chapter has been uploaded, at last! This is where we will all see whether Hao will achieve his ultimate goal or perish miserably! Please, review when you are done reading! I am eager to read your opinion on the final chapter!

* * *

Dokuro-chan lead them to the Holy Ground of Stars. Usually, they would have been stopped by pissed Patch shamans, but Anna, Manta and the Diclonii had slaughtered everyone in the Patch headquarters. When the group entered the green forest, Hao took a deep, relieved breath, inhaling the pure air of this sacred place, filling his lungs with the mystical energy that took away all his fatigue and replenished his strengths, fueling his will to continue in his goal for world domination.

- I **love** the smell of wild nature in the afternoon! – Hao exclaimed while stretching his body, completely ignorant to the fact that no one was paying attention to his meaningless statement. – The refreshing odor of herbs and forest flowers sprouting from this untainted ground, this nexus of arcane energies which overflows a person's veins with hope and dreams of new, brighter and more glorious sunrise, always brings felicity to my whole being!

Just then, Peyote turned around, walked near a tree, unzipped his pants and peed on the roots, ruining the moment and Hao's mood.

- PEYOTE! – the Asakura screamed in fury at the Mexican. – How could you defile this hallowed place in such a disgraceful way!?

Peyote finished with his business, zipped his pants, turned around and muttered:

- Sorry, Hao-sama.

- Good lord! You are such a simpleton, Peyote. – Ashil scolded his comrade. Peyote retorted:

- What the hell did you expect me to do!? March together with Hao-sama towards global conquest with my bladder ready to burst!? And what are you all worried about 'defiling' and 'sacred places'? You litter all the time! Why would you…

Peyote's jaw hung open when Ashil casually spat out the bubble gum in his mouth right on the ground.

- YOU JUST SPAT THAT GUM ON THE GROUND, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!

- What gum? – Ashil shifted his eyes around and carefully moved the gum behind him with his foot. Peyote, on the other hand, noticed all of this.

- Don't screw with me, you little bugger! – Peyote roared and waved his finger at him. He lunged at him and tackled him on the ground, then started strangling him. Hopefully, Dokuro-chan was near the scene to stop the two from murdering each other. Machi was watching the show from a safe distance and Suiseiseki was trying to catch up with them. A minute later, she made it, all sweaty and panting, and leaned on a tree near Machi. The redhead glanced at the other girl and murmured gloomily:

- Oh, it's you.

- Hey-desu! – The living doll exclaimed. – Why are you treating me so disrespectfully-desu?! You've been hitting me with many things since the moment we met-desu!

Machi took a sorrowful look at her broken broom and said:

- It's a shame my broom is broken…

Suiseiseki looked extremely offended. Unfortunately, Machi didn't give a shit about it.

- Why are you so mean to me-desu!? – The heterochromatic girl squealed out in indignation.

- Because you are an irritating doll and also an extremely sickening internet meme. – The redhead explained passively. Suiseiseki's jaw hung loose.

- I'm… I'm… a meme-desu!? – She squeaked in horror. Her face turned pale.

Ashil strode by, sat on the ground, pulled out his laptop out of nowhere and opened a site on the internet. He beckoned the living doll. Suiseiseki took a look in the screen. Her expression was now even more appalled.

- Wh… wh… wh… - She stuttered while pointing a shaking finger at the most hideous, scandalous site she had ever laid eyes on. – What the hell is this-desu!? It's horrible-desu! No, 'horrible' is not powerful enough to describe this-desu! I can't find the proper words to describe this atrocity-desu!!

- And the people around here are really 'nice', too. – Ashil said sarcastically. – Listen to this: **'Lol, newfag. This tread is epic fail.'**, _or 'Anon owned them hard lol.'_

He raised his head, eyebrows bent in bafflement and with a brooding countenance.

- Some idiot has posted 'DESU' 2000 times-desu! – The doll exclaimed and pointed at some guy named 'Anonymous' who had posted the aforementioned word 2000 times. This was obviously the deed of someone who didn't have a life of his own.

- Sooo what's the name of this site? – Machi drawled and took a look at the logo.  
It was saying '**4c**…

Hao pulled the laptop out of Ashil's hands and closed it.

- What are you idling around? – He exclaimed angrily. – Have you forgotten that we have a mission to complete!?

Suiseiseki's eyes had turned blank in derangement and shock. Never before had she beheld a view so unsightly and repulsive. Her tender, verbose, air-headed nature could not bear the cruel, harsh realization that such immoral, obscene morons with no life could have actually created a site such as this. The immense pressure on her mind resulted in a temporary blackout, meant to preserve the remnants of her sanity from downright annihilation.  
Machi and Ashil, on the other hand, weren't that affected. They both blinked, stood up, looked around, let out a pitying sigh and strolled forward. Hao waved a hand in front of Suiseiseki's face. There was no reaction from her.

- What is wrong with this idiot? – The pyromaster grumbled in irritation. He snapped with fingers and ordered: - Peyote! Get your ass over here!

The Mexican approached obediently.

* * *

Ten minutes later, the group was walking through the forest path, going deeper and deeper into the forest, nearing the core, where the Great Spirits were hiding. The only one who wasn't walking was Suiseiseki, who was carried under Peyote's stinky armpit and held like some sort of cardboard.

Hao was leading the group, striding with calm determination. He could feel the importance, the drama of everything that was happening around him, the sensation of a crucial event drawing closer with every passing second was overflowing through every fiber of his body. This time he wasn't going to let anything detain him from reaching his goal. **This time** he wasn't going to be stopped!

Now there was no one who could oppose him. There were no X-Laws…

…_Marco stopped rubbing his sore posterior and looked through the small window of his cell. The sun was slowly setting down through the azure, cloudless sky. Shivers ran down the X-Law's spine when he felt that something was wrong. Just then, the guard announced that Marco had a visitor and Jeanne, the Iron Maiden, approached his cell…_

…no annoying Patch priests…

…_Silver tripped in a rock and fell prostrate on the hard soil. His luggage was spilled all over the ground. He took a sitting position and looked sadly at all of the things he had to pack up again. But for some reason, he didn't feel like running anymore. Silver gazed at the sky and the sun, slowly descending downwards. By the spirits, what has he been doing up till now?..._

…no characters from other Anime universes, except for Suiseiseki and Dokuro-chan, who happened here for no reason whatsoever…

…_Grimmjow pulled a nasty bugger out of his nose and threw it behind his back. Unfortunately, the bugger slapped straight in Ulquiorra's face. A loud brawl ensued, but it was completely neglected by Aizen, who was staring at the crescent in the obsidian sky from his palace in Hueco Mundo, feeling that something, somewhere was going to happen and it was going to be of importance to everything. Probably even including him…_

…no bothersome goody-goody self-styled protagonists to screw everything up…

…_Yoh was staring melancholically at the campfire when all of a sudden it started burning more intensely than before, rose up high in the sky and sundered. The area between it was pitch black. It was a portal. The same portal that brought them here was now open and leading straight to their homeworld. Yoh stood up. Tamao and Faust did the same…_

…not even Anna…

…_Two demonic eyes opened in the darkness. The evil aura radiated around them…_

…nor Timmy…

…_Another pair of eyes opened in the darkness. They were a lot more humane than the others…_

…no one. There was no one who could stop him.

Hao's smirk widened dangerously.

They were approaching the locus of their goal. Hao could feel the air becoming more dense, imbued with divine energies. He looked up in the sky. The sun was slowly setting down, the firmament was going to turn orange any time now.

- Everyone, stop here.

The group stopped and looked at their leader.

- This is the right spot. – He said and turned around. Everyone was staring at him expectantly. – From this point, we will summon the portal to the Ground of Holy Stars!

The shamans groaned out. Not another portal summoning!

- You should not feel displeased! – Hao insisted. – The method I will use to open the portal is guaranteed to work, but it will take me half an hour or so to finish.

Dokuro-chan waved a hand while hopping at one place, much like a schoolgirl who had found out the answer to Question 5. Hao sighed and looked at her.

- Yes, Dokuro-chan? – He drawled in boredom.

- I know how to open a portal for less than a second.

Everyone gaped at her.

- You do!? – Hao inquired. – Then we will make it to the Great Spirits sooner than I anticipated! Dokuro-chan, get over here and get to work!

- Oh-kaaaaaaay! – She chirped out and strode towards Hao. The angel suddenly pulled out Excaliborg and swung it at the shocked Hao, knocking his head off **(SPLAT!!)**. Gushes of blood spurted out of his neck.

- DOKURO-CHAN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!? – Everyone exclaimed in horror.

- Um… - She drawled, placed a finger on her lips and mulled for a while, completely ignoring Hao's bleeding corpse. – Sorry, I forgot what I was doing.

Everyone gave her the facepalm.

- You were supposed to open a portal that will lead us to the Holy Ground of Stars, you dimwit! – Machi roared out while waving a hand at her furiously.

Dokuro-chan slapped her head and laughed out nervously:

- OH! I see! I'm sorry, I completely forgot!

Peyote's jaw was going to fall off any moment now.

- You **can** revive Hao-sama, you know? – Ashil rolled his eyes and suggested sarcastically.

- Okay! – Dokuro-chan nodded and swung her weapon, then said the magic words that reincarnated Hao in a lot less than 500 years.

Hao rubbed his head and whined:  
- You did it again! Didn't I tell you before not to hit me like that?!

- Soooooorryyyyy! – The angel chirped out care-freely, as if crushing people's heads was some sort of a harmless prank.

Hao brushed off a few strands of hair on his forehead and ordered:

- Open that portal now!

Dokuro-chan nodded, grinned and swung her weapon above her head. Hao recoiled and ran behind Peyote, just in case the huge maul slipped out of her hand.

- Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! – Dokuro-chan sang out while spinning the huge maul. – Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! **SPLAT!!**

Hao screamed in fright and climbed on top of Peyote's sombrero like a cat. Dokuro-chan had smashed her weapon in the ground, causing a small earthquake. Nobody understood why the maul had made a 'splat' sound, when it should make a 'slam' sound. A huge pillar of light burst from the earth and soared in the sky. Everyone was staring with awe.

Dokuro-chan turned around and saluted:

- The portal is open, Hao-sama!

- Excellent! – The Asakura exclaimed viciously. – Everyone, enter!

His minions obeyed and went in the light. Suiseiseki and Dokuro-chan went after them, too, just so that they won't miss the show.

- Since when do you address him so respectfully? – The doll asked the angel curiously before they entered the pillar.

A minute later they went out of the pillar of light. They looked around and found themselves in the so familiar barren land with high rock spires projecting at random places.

Hao smiled:  
- I still remember this place. It feels like yesterday when I last went here.

Peyote mused for a few seconds and said:

- To be precise, it was actually a few weeks ago.  
- It's not something important, Peyote. – Hao murmured quickly without paying much attention to the Spanish, who was also a Mexican, a Chilean and slightly Brazilian at the same time.  
Hao strutted and blenched out another order:  
- Everyone, move your asses faster! We're approaching our target!

Just then, the earth quaked dangerously. Hao shrieked like a little girl and climbed on top of Peyote's sombrero again. Everyone turned around and gazed angrily at Dokuro-chan. She was standing still, completely dumbfounded.

- What!? – She exclaimed. – I'm not doing anything!

- What the hell is happening? – Suiseiseki pondered worriedly.  
The ground in front of them split open. Peyote lost balance and fell on his back with a shriek. Fortunately for him, Hao softened his landing.  
A swarm of bats and flies soared from the hole. Dark clouds were emerging.  
- What is that!? – Suiseiseki and Dokuro-chan panicked and embraced each other.  
- That demonic aura… - Hao murmured under Peyote's back.

- It can't be! – Machi exclaimed and clutched at her broken broom.  
The clouds dissipated. Someone crawled out of the hole. It was a small, child's body, with ragged clothes and blue eyes, looking at them with a frown.  
- No way… - Ashil murmured with wide eyes.

- It's _**Timmy-sama!!**_ – Dokuro-chan and Suiseiseki screamed out like fangirls. They lunged at him and fell straight in his feet and started licking his feet. The reincarnated godlike entity didn't seem stunned at all. He moved towards Hao, completely ignoring the fact that there were two girls attached to his legs, and pointed a finger at him. Timmy yelled out:

- You! I need your help!

Hao blinked confusedly.

- Me?? – He pointed at himself.

- Yes, you! – Timmy shook Suiseiseki and Dokuro-chan off and continued. – Anna is going to emerge from that hole any moment now! We've got to stop her!

The stupid smile on Hao's face turned upside down into an inverted grin of stinky teeth that had not been brushed for weeks. His pupils shrunk to the size of dots. The instant transformation from confusion to sheer dismay that took place on Hao's countenance was very entertaining for anyone who wasn't Hao at this moment… and was looking at the scene from more than three miles.

- NO! – He roared out. He collapsed on his knees and clutched at his hair. – HOW IS IT POSSIBLE!? I DEFEATED HER!!

Peyote rubbed his chin pensively.

- If I recall, you kicked her in a bottomless pit. – The Mexican ventured a guess, but Hao was far too shocked to hear anything.  
- Damn you, Author! – Hao screamed and waved his trembling fist at the sky. – Damn you!!  
- You should shut up and start thinking of a way to save all of us! – Ashil stepped forward with a frown on his face.  
Hao, who was about to plunge in insanity, turned OOC and chirped out happily:  
- Oh, yes! That's right! I have an idea! How about we all go out and eat popcorn together?!

Dead silence.

- You really are getting carried away, aren't you, Author? – Ashil murmured under his breath and made the facepalm. Machi slapped Hao mercilessly and he snapped out of his idiotic trance. He shook his head and then said:

- Sorry about that… - He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. – So it seems I cross paths with the demon-like Anna once more! I must discover a method that will dispatch her irretrievably!

- How come you suddenly became so literate? – Machi and Ashil asked surprisedly.

- Like I know. – Hao shrugged and grinned goofily. Everyone fell over.

Timmy intervened:

- You already have a power that is strong enough to take her out in one shot!

Hao blinked. He was completely baffled. Throughout the course of this story, he had been bitten, kicked, punched, smashed, squished and burned countless times, and inflated once, and it seemed that no matter what he did to prevent tragedies from happening to him, nothing helped. Hao should have probably discovered this great power the moment his life was threatened.

- I have!? – He exclaimed in surprise. – That's impossible. I've gone through so much and I still haven't discovered my true power.

- That's because you don't believe in yourself! – Timmy insisted. – All you do is bitch around and expect your minions to do all of your dirty work! Can't you see the huge difference between you and me?! All I do is believe in myself and before I know it there are sexy chicks falling for me and kissing my feet!

Hao looked at Timmy's feet, which were passionately pleasured by Dokuro-chan and Suiseiseki. When he raised his gaze, his eyes were really wide in astonishment.

- It's only up to you, Hao. – Timmy patted the dumbfounded Hao on the shoulder. A small wound healed in a second when Timmy's hand touched him. – Only you can undermine the walls of your limits!

Hao's face turned expressionless. Memories rushed back to his head in the form of bright, blinding flashbacks.  
_"…Hao-sama, I love you so much!..."  
"…Never mind, just checking!..."  
"…You can't transgress the laws of TV productions like that!..."  
"…are with Yoh-sama now…."  
"….breaking the Fourth Wall again…"  
"…Eres correcto! Actually, it's peyote, Hao-sama!..."  
"…Stupid Mexican addict!..."  
"…You've got to be kidding me!..."  
"…Cactus Dance of Doom!..."  
"…LATIN CHORUS…"  
"…Less talk, more work!..."  
"…You have a spot near your lips…"  
"…The weed of the peyote has always been my guide!..."  
"…It's a café, you asshole!..."  
"….Looks like really painful…"  
"…My dignity is least injured!..."  
"…That was Yoh's wife, right?..."  
"…Why did we come here?..."  
"…Rumors that Silver is running low on products…"  
"…Heard that girl has Shikigami blood in her veins…"  
"…I still remember what you did…"  
"…Maybe you should've used the door…"  
"…I CAN SMELL HIS BLOOD!..."  
"…SINCE WHEN IS ANNA KYOYAMA ALERGIC TO ANYTHING!?..."  
"…Flying through walls rules!..."  
"…That was a gift from my grandmother!..."  
"…I must complete the 21 Sacraments!..."  
"…YOU KILLED YOUR WIFE!?..."  
"…I zaid tzat I am getting rheally pissed…"  
"…__ The Scarlet Majordomo had in mind that beings accumulate more Idiotic energies as they grew in age…."  
"…Damn you, spoon! Damn you, Author!..."  
"…YOU ARE NEXT, DORKHAIR!..."  
"… and waited. Ashil glared furiously at Hao, who had grown a beard and was still rubbing the two sticks together with a bloodthirsty determination and bloodshot eyes…"  
"…OH, SHIT! IT'S HOT!...AAGH, SHIT! MY WEANER!..."  
_"…_All he must do is get over it! He must get over it, get a grip of himself, fix the mistakes he has made and just keep going…"  
"…THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!..."  
"…WHERE THE HELL IS THIS CHORUS COMING FROM!?..."  
"…Impress you with my amazing knowledge of German language…"  
"…I don't give a fuckin' nickel 'bout yo…"  
"…VIVA LA FAN SERVICE!..."  
"…THIS IS BLASPHEMY! THIS IS MADNESS!..."  
"…THIS…IS…SHAMAN KING!..."  
"…I will censure my speech whenever I want to…"  
"…Time to destroy Yoh!..."  
"…Say hello to my little friend!..."  
"…Love is gonna get you!..."  
"…Oh, merciful Mother of Lord!... Oh, sweet Mashed Potatoes!..."  
"…It appeared that the Arrancar were willing to accept __anyone__as an Arrancar as long as he spoke Spanish…"  
_"…_I – AM – NOT – A – JAR – OF – PICKLES!!..."  
"…Destiny still awaits you!..."  
"…What!? Just one page!?..."  
"…The fuckin toothbrush has to go there!..."  
"…We will be your judges, Hao Asakura…"  
"…I am Suiseiseki-desu!..."  
"…Does that somehow involve cookies and pot?..."  
…cookies and pot…_

…_cookies and pot…_

…_ies and pot…_

…_and pot…_

…_pot…_

…_ot…_

…

The memories whirled around Hao and wrapped around his mind. He blinked. He snapped out of his reverie. Ashil was staring at him.

- Were all of those flashbacks really necessary? – He pondered out loud.  
- Yes! – Hao said with a serious face. His dramatic, determined gaze could easily win him an Oscar. – I know now what I must do!

Ashil rolled his eyes. Machi gasped in awe.

- Hao-sama, I knew you'd think of something!

Hao smirked smugly. His complacency was easily outmatching Ren's own stuck-up behavior.

- Of course I would. – He stated majestically. – I **am** Asakura Hao-sama, after all.

Just then, a familiar malicious force erupted from the hole behind Timmy. Hao just gazed at it calmly.

- I understand now… only I can stop her. – He uttered thoughtfully.  
He took out the small cactus he was keeping hidden all the time. Everyone felt his Furyoku flaring up and backed away. The great Onmyuji of the Asakura clan strode forward. His movements were overflowing with his reborn powers. Ashil felt it - it was the old Hao-sama: the all-knowing, omnipotent, merciless shaman who would not turn back or run away. The kid took one more step behind.

- Show yourself! – Hao roared out.

Poison-green light shone from the depths of the hole. A winged figure flied out from the abyss and stood fluttering in the air. Hao looked up.

It was Anna.

- Hello again, Asakura Hao. – She said coldly.

It seemed that she had undergone a dreadful transformation during her sojourn under the earth. Two ebony horns were projecting from her forehead, large crimson dragon-like wings were flapping behind her back. Her hair had grown considerably, as it was now reaching her waist. Her body had matured a lot, as well; Peyote noticed with delight that her breasts had increased in size.

- We meet again, Anna. – Hao said with a small smile.  
- Yes. – She agreed. – Hopefully, it will be for the last.

Hao raised his eyebrows.  
- You do know that today one of us is going to die, don't you?

Anna snorted.

- Is it really necessary to say that now? – She asked with disdain. The succubus stretched her fingers and long, sharp claws popped out. – I will tear you to shreds for what you've done to me.

Hao laughed light-heartedly.  
- Oh? – He drawled. – You are still holding a grudge against me?

Anna lunged towards him. Her countenance was showing pure rage.

- As if I could ever forget, HAO!!

A small smirk formed on his lips.  
A split-second before Anna's claws impaled him, he vanished.

- What!? – She gaped with wide eyes. – He disappeared?  
- You are as slow as always! – Hao's voice yelled from behind. Anna turned around, frowning.

Hao was pouncing on her with the Spirit of Cactus in the form of a sword, raised high above his head. The blade swished down on her. Her wing stretched in front of her face and blocked the attack.

- You fool! – She hissed. Her wing swung forward and pushed the sword away. – Are you planning to kill me with this idiotic spirit!?  
- Why not? – Hao asked while taking a step back and preparing for another attack. He looked like he was sincerely enjoying himself. – It's far better than anything you can come up with!

He lunged at her and swung his weapon at her. She was forced to dodge this attack. She fluttered in the air and dashed at him. Hao could not reach in time and was pitched backwards by her powerful punch. He smashed into a tree and collapsed.

- Hao-sama! – Machi screamed.

The Asakura slowly stood up. His head was bleeding, but he smiled, nonetheless.

- You should've used that chance to tear my heart out, not just injure me. – He lectured her with a grin. – You won't get another opportunity like this one again.

He disappeared from his spot and a moment later he was standing in front of her, his blade swinging in a wide horizontal arc. The edge sliced through her abdomen. Anna recoiled. Black blood was dripping from her wound.

- You son of a bitch… - She muttered with hatred in her voice.

Hao smirked contentedly.

- Could it be that you are losing your composure, Anna? – He suggested.

Anna snorted. She stretched her arm backwards and charged at him with outstretched claws. Hao blocked this frontal attack with ease and took a defensive position. He was repelling her attacks with one hand holding the sword, while with the other he conjured a spell. A golden chain wrapped around Anna, immobilizing her. Her face was twisted with rage.  
Hao let out a disappointed sound.

- So small… - He used his catch-phrase and swung his blade.

**CLASH**!

Hao blinked. He uttered a surprised gasp.

It was Yoh. He had blocked his attack with his own katana.

- I won't let you! – The younger boy roared with a furious expression. A few feet behind him a portal closed up. Tamao and Faust VIII were standing in front of it.

- YOU! – Hao roared back. He pressed his blade harder. – Just when I thought you weren't going to come and ruin my plans! – An evil grin emerged on his face. – Never mind… I'll kill you AND capture the Great Spirits!

- Aren't you getting too greedy!? – Yoh snapped and pushed back violently. Hao was forced to retreat. Yoh turned around and looked at his demonic fiancée. He helpfully offered her his hand.

- Anna, are you alright? – He asked anxiously. Anna blinked confusedly.  
- Yoh. – She uttered. – After I did everything in my power to track you down and kill you, you are still willing to forgive me?

He grinned affably.

- Well, I really did some stupid things back then, so it's completely normal for you to be mad at me. However, I think we should settle this some other time.

She kept looking at him. Hao gripped his sword tighter.

- Well? – Yoh asked. – Aren't you going to take my hand already, or should I just pull you up myself?

Anna sighed and smiled. She grabbed his hand just when Hao lunged at them with his sword raised.  
- What the hell are you two shitting about!? – He roared and swung his sword. Yoh blocked this attack with no effort. Hao was stunned.

- You interrupted our conversation. – Yoh scolded his brother amicably. – It seems I'll have to end this battle.

Hao snorted. Sweat was streaming down his temples.

Yoh raised his sword in front of his chest and charged at Hao.  
Hao's eyes widened in anger as his twin drew closer. He clutched at his sword, opened his mouth and let out an inhuman battle roar. He swiped vertically with his sword, meeting his twins blade in a thunderous clash and a blinding light.  
The sword of the Spirit of Cactus was wrung out of Hao's hands and sent flying in the air.

Hao Asakura collapsed on his knees.

Ashil screamed:

- Hao-sama!

The pyromaster was panting heavily. Yoh pointed the tip of his sword at his brother's face.

- To tell the truth, I didn't want things to happen this way. – Yoh confessed with furrowed eyebrows. Hao was watching Yoh with unfeigned hatred.

Peyote stepped forward and prepared to Oversoul. Suddenly, a scythe-like weapon blocked his way.

- If you move one bit, Eliza will chop your head off. – Faust explained politely.

Ashil and Machi turned around, only to find out that Tamao was aiming at them with her crossbow.

Peyote grunted in disgruntlement. He could feel sweat dripping down his face, as well. He gazed at his master who was about to get killed.

Yoh raised his sword.

Hao shut his eyes tight and prepared for a quick death.

Yoh swung his sword down.  
Everything went black.

…

For his great amazement, Hao was still alive. He slightly opened his eyes and looked at his brother.

Someone was standing in front of him. A tall, broad-shouldered figure, long raven hair, a white robe, baggy leather pants… Yoh's sword had pierced the man through the chest; the edge was projecting from his back, blood dripping from it.

…

It was Silver.

…

Neither Yoh, nor Hao, nor Anna, nor anyone else could believe his eyes. Silver had taken a death blow for Hao!?

- NO! – Yoh screamed and pulled the blade out of his comrade with a single push. The Priest fell on his knees and puked out blood. Yoh leaned Silver on his shoulders, but was forced to kneel on the ground under the man's weight.

- Why did you do this!? Why did you sacrifice yourself to protect Hao!? – Yoh exclaimed in astonishment. – What has that man ever done to you so that you can protect him with your own life!!

Silver's body was becoming limp.

- I… - He muttered. His voice was nothing but a whisper. – Yoh-kun… I… don't know…

Silence.  
Hao blinked.

Yoh kept staring at Silver. The Priest stirred no more…

…**or did he?**

- Hold on a second! – Anna yelled and walked to Yoh. To her fiance's shock, she grabbed the dead Priest from him and shook him violently. Silver opened his eyes.

- What the hell are you doing, bitch!? Can't you see that I'm dead!? – He roared angrily.

Everyone got that familiar 'WTF' expression on their faces.

- Since when do dead people talk, you moron!? – She roared back. – Now tell me! Why the hell did you take that attack!?

Silver frowned.

- How the hell should I know!? I was standing in the middle of the desert, staring dramatically at the sun, when suddenly some mysterious force dragged me away and teleported me right in front of Hao! I didn't mean to take that blow; I would've been more than happy if that Hao bastard had died!  
Anna blinked. She dropped the Priest on the ground and glared at the skies.

- Author!! – She screamed. – You have a finger in this!

_-+-+-+-+-_

_Snicker.  
-+-+-+-+-_

- I can't believe it. – Ashil murmured haplessly. – Just when things were getting serious, he decided to switch back to 'Parody' mode!

Hao stood up.

- All of you idiots are getting on my nerves! – He grumbled and pointed his finger at Yoh and his sexy demonic fiancée. – Ever since this story began. No! Ever since the whole anime began! You've been the tiny pebbled in which I've always been tripping! Why can't you just die already!?...

- Shut your mouth. – Anna cut him off mercilessly. – Your breath stinks!

Hao closed his mouth with a startled mug. He opened his mouth to retort, but a swarm of flies flew out of there.

- I didn't see that coming. – Peyote said in amazement.

Just then, Dokuro-chan and Suiseiseki, who hadn't had much limelight since Anna emerged from the pit, lunged at Tamao and Faust. Ashil gaped at them.

- What the hell are you doing!? – He yelled.

- What does it look like!? – Dokuro-chan grumbled while trying to knock Eliza down. – We're giving you time to escape!

- Get going while we can still keep them occupied-desu! – Suiseiseki exclaimed. She had already cornered Tamao under her and was now twisting her hands behind her back.

Ashil kept looking at them for a few seconds, then nodded and grabbed Machi's hand. Peyote followed. Anna, Yoh and Silver were petrified and gawking like idiots when Ashil and Peyote grabbed Hao and dragged him away.

- I can't believe this actually happened. – Machi said two minutes later.

More disturbed silence.

- Ahem… - Hao coughed. – Yes.

More silence.

- Well, maybe, **just** maybe, you **could thank** us for saving you back then. – Ashil hinted.

Hao frowned.

- You are my subordinates! It is your duty to protect me from harm! – The Asakura said arrogantly.

Ashil humphed. He didn't seem displeased at all.

- Alright then, Hao-sama. Whatever you desire. But just have in mind that we won't be able to save you every time and it might happen sometime that we are _just a little slower…_

- Alright, alright, I get it!! – Hao exclaimed angrily. – Thank you! I am grateful for saving my sorry ass from Anna's clutches.

Ashil smiled contently. Just then, Timmy ran out of some bushes and stopped in front of them. The group of shamans stopped dead in their tracks.

- Oh, no! Not you again! – Hao whined. – Won't you leave us alone already!?

- Wait! This is important… - Timmy began seriously, but he was quickly passed by.

Hao was whistling cheerfully while Timmy was yelling, waving his little hands and trying to catch up with them.

- Ignore him. – Hao ordered. – We'll lose him in no t-UUGH!!

Timmy had leaped on him and brought him down on the ground.

- Get off me, you sick fuck! – Hao roared out.

- Listen, you retard! – Timmy grabbed Hao by the collar and neared the shaman's face to his. – I'm not wasting my time talking to you worthless idiot while I can build another potato submarine or create a cure for cancer! So shut your trap and listen!

Hao scowled and rolled his eyes. Timmy continued:

- Anna will come back for you.  
- No shit? – Hao murmured. – As I hadn't figured that out already.  
- She will bring Yoh and all of his comrades with her, as well.  
- I've figured that out already, too. Now, if you don't have anything more important to…  
- She will bring the X-Laws with her, too.  
- Do I look like I give a bullcrap about those mindless lunatics? – Hao nagged and pushed Timmy back. The shaman got up. – Besides, they don't even have any spirits!

Timmy stood up from the ground and looked at Hao.  
- Anna will give them spirits one thousand times stronger than their Archangels.

Hao was silent for a few seconds. Then he said:

- This could be bad.  
- It sure is. More and more people will come here to stop you, so don't waste any more time.  
- But that's what I am doing right now listening to your bullsh-  
- I have a device that will teleport you straight to the Great Spirits.

Hao's eyes widened in surprise.

- You've gotta be kidding me! – He exclaimed. – How come I haven't heard of such a device?

- Because I invented it ten minutes ago. – Timmy explained humbly. He took his baseball hat off and took something out from it. It was a small black box with a red button on top of it. He gave it to Hao. The Pyromaster kept gaping at it for a whole minute.

- That's it!? - His jaw was about to fall off. – That's just a black cube with a button!  
- That's everything you need to get to your target. – Timmy said.  
- Such a simple construction… - Ashil stared in awe at the device. – But are you actually giving us this for free?  
- Ashil! – Hao scolded his minion. The last thing he needed now was to pay Timmy for this device, seeing as he was carrying no money right now.

Timmy nodded.  
- All I want in return is to get the Great Spirits before Anna comes here.

- You know, I thought a gadget like this one could cost a fortune. – Peyote scratched his head while saying that. Hao glared at him.

Timmy laughed light-heartedly.

- No, no, you don't have to give me anything. Money isn't everything, you know. – The godlike kid said cheerfully.  
There was dead silence all around him. Everyone was staring at him as if he had just expressed his willingness to fornicate a cute little pony.

- I think you don't know what century you live in. – Machi concluded gloomily.  
- Yeah. What weed are you smoking? – Ashil asked.  
- Do you mind if you give me some? – Peyote pleaded.

Timmy rolled his eyes. Suddenly, screams were heard behind them. The voices sounded very familiar.

- It's Anna! – The kid hissed. – Hao, press that button and get the hell out of here! I'll hold them back for as long as I can! Just don't…

There was a flash of light. Something heavenly had just appeared behind them. Hao turned around stiffly.

- Shit! They're already here… - He gritted his teeth angrily.

In a silver radiance, brighter than the sun's light, stood Jeanne the Iron Maiden and her minion, Marco. They were both dressed in the X-Law uniforms and were as holy and righteous as ever.

- We have returned once again, carried by the wings of justice, to stop your evil rampage, Hao! – Marco said majestically.

The Asakura nagged at them:

- Where the hell were you when Anna, Manta and two pink-haired cat-eared bitches destroyed Patch!?

The holy radiance disappeared in an instant. Marco fiddled with his fingers and looked at the ground.

- We were… uuuuuummmm… on a vacation. Very far away. In Japan. And after that to the North Pole. And there was nothing we could do about it. – He blathered out timidly.

- Liar. – Hao grunted. – I don't have time for your holy crap. Everyone, gather around me!

He clutched at the box and pushed the button.

- NO! – Marco roared when a violet sparkle flashed at the spot where Hao was. A second later, the shamans were gone.

Timmy sighed in relief.

- About time. – He smirked. – Now let's deal with the two of you.

Marco and Jeanne prepared for the fight that was about to come.

* * *

Hao blinked. So did Machi, Peyote and Ashil.

They were teleported in Las Noches, a huge palace in Hueco Mundo, a dark barren world in the _Bleach_ universe. Hao looked around and recognized with terror in his eyes Grimmjow and Nnoitra. The two Espada noticed them, screamed something in Spanish and pointed at them.

- Shit! We're fucked! – Peyote screamed like a little girl.

Hao pushed the button again. They disappeared for a second time before the Arrancar attacked them.

* * *

Hao blinked.

There was a bright light right in front of him.

He raised his head. There was a huge cone of spirit energy right in front of him. It was twitching and shifting its form every second. Ghostly wails and supernatural screams were echoing all over the place.

Machi, Peyote and Ashil looked around in awe.

- Wow… - The girl uttered.  
- Is this it? - Peyote checked. His eyes were wide in astonishment. – The place where the Great Spirits are?  
- Amazing… - Ashil whispered.

He stared in reverence before the ultimate spirit entity on the planet. Seconds later, a quiet chuckle escaped Hao's lips.

It turned into a loud, evil laughter and it transformed into the ultimate form of the maniacal, demonic guffaw. His shoulders were shaking violently. It was the type of laughter that the mad villain was letting out when he had killed the pesky protagonist, when he had achieved his goals of world conquest, when all of his enemies lied crushed under his feet, when all hope was quenched in the darkness of despair.

This was Hao's triumph!

Hao's laughter slowly abated. His body loosened and his shoulders stopped shaking. The shaman stuck his chest out proudly. The smirk was still plastered on his face. He suddenly turned around and yelled excitedly at his followers:

- Why are you so quiet!? – His eyes were glittering in elation. – **Rejoice**! We've finally made it! The Great Spirits are right in front of us! We have achieved our goal!

Ashil evaded Hao's gaze. He muttered:

- Well… I guess this the end.

Hao gawked at him.

- What?

Machi sighed and let out a small smile. She said quietly:

- Well… nearly most of the time… it was a great pleasure serving you, Hao-sama…

Hao stared at them. Peyote figured out that it was his turn to say something warm and spoke:

- Though I didn't get that pot I was promised so long ago, I still think just being by your side is a fitting reward, Hao-sama.

The Mexican took off his sombrero and took a bow before his master.

Tears of happiness were filling up Hao's eyes. It was obvious that his heart was touched.

- You guys… - He whimpered out. The tears rolled down his cheeks. – You don't know how much you mean to me!

He ran to them and gave all of them a hug. The readers of this story went 'AAaaaaaaawwwww!' at this genial scene.

Suddenly, Dokuro-chan and Suiseiseki mysteriously popped out of the air above Hao's head and landed on top of him and the group, nearly crushing their backs.

- Ooooops! – The angel chirped out goofily while sitting on top of the bundle of bodies. – Soooryyyy!

Hao's eyebrow was twitching dangerously.

A minute later, they were both standing up and looking at the newcomers. Hao ordered:

- Report.

- Yes! – Dokuro-chan saluted. – We tried to hold them back for as long as we could, but they were just too strong. We barely escaped with our lives!

- It was a harsh battle-desu! – Suiseiseki exclaimed.

- You don't look like you've been through some tough fight. – Machi looked askance at Suiseiseki. The doll grinned goofily. – In fact, that brown spot near your mouth looks like chocolate!

Suiseiseki blinked in a startled way and started rubbing the stop hastily. Unnoticed by anyone, Dokuro-chan had pulled out an ice cream out of nowhere and was now licking it rapidly. Peyote and Ashil blushed at the sight of Dokuro-chan licking an ice cream.

- Stop screwing around! This story is getting random again! – Hao exclaimed and waved his hands angrily. – Let's not waste any more time! The Great Spirits are right there!

Everyone stopped screwing around and got ready with a very determined expression on their faces. Hao raised his chin proudly and then pointed at the colossal body of energy.

- We march towards victory! – Hao roared out and lead them.

With just that, Suiseiseki and Dokuro-chan, the two characters who were not from this anime universe, Ashil, the mysterious and deadly boy who appeared only once in the anime and was forgotten shortly afterwards, Machi, the red-haired tomboy, Peyote, the notorious ex-drug dealer and Asakura Hao, the greatest Onmyuji on Earth and the embodiment of this planet's future, stepped towards omnipotence and sovereignty.

* * *

Pure light engulfed Hao.

'This is it.' He thought. The shaman smiled broadly. 'The moment I've been waiting for so long.'

Even though the light was brighter than the sun's own rays, Hao kept his eyes opened and locked at his target. There was a figure in the distance.

'This is you, isn't it?' Hao thought again. He was walking on an unseen bridge. The light was engulfing his entire world. The only thing he distinguished was the blurred figure in the distance. 'Your true form….'

He strode faster towards the figure.

'We shall finally meet!' He thought excitedly. 'After all this time, I will see your true face!'

Hao started running towards the figure. He discarded his cloak because he felt it was slowing him down.

'I will finally have your power!' Hao thought in fierce excitement. He was running like never before in his life.

Suddenly, he made it. The figure was standing right in front of it. Its forms were now clearly distinguishable. It was the one of a tall spectacled young man dressed in a black school uniform.

Hao watched at the stranger. He had not expected to meet something like him in this place. He thought he would see something divine, perfect and unearthly, not something so mortal and human in form.

The man in front of him pushed the glasses up the bridge of his nose and greeted Hao calmly:

- Hello, Asakura Hao. I am **TheArchon, **the author of this story.

Hao was staring at the man in sheer shock and amazement.

- I assume that you had not expected to see me here, in this world. Well, let me explain. I chose to manifest myself in this world and meet you personally, for I have very important news for you.

- The Great Spirits… - Hao uttered, still in deep shock. – Where are the…

- Great Spirits? – TheArchon cocked his right eyebrow. – I sent them away. Somewhere where you cannot reach them.

Hao fell on his knees in defeat.

- You will never become Shaman King. – TheArchon continued coldly. – Not in this story. And probably in none of my other stories. After all, you **are** the antagonist.

Hao snorted. He bit his lip in anger and stood up.

- I will not allow you to manipulate me anymore! – He roared and lunged at TheArchon.

He made a single step and suddenly stopped in mid-air.

- You cannot move. You cannot harm me unless I want to. – TheArchon said. He walked pass Hao, who was struggling to free himself from the invisible force keeping him petrified. – You should accept your fate and listen to me already.

Hao sighed and stopped fighting. The force released him. He stumbled backwards, then turned around and looked at the author.

- I have decided to liberate you. – TheArchon said with the same calm voice.

Hao blinked in disbelief.

- What!? – He uttered.

- I am letting you go. – TheArchon repeated. He turned around and looked Hao in the eyes. – You are no longer a slave to my greed and foolishness. I will no longer force you to tickle my every whim. This story will end now and you will be free.

Hao opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn't. He should have been furious. He should have hated TheArchon, he should have felt like torturing him and killing him. However, he felt only indifference towards the author. It was so confusing… A second ago he was running towards the Great Spirits and now he was free…

- I am going to write the finale of the story very soon. But before that, I will grant you one wish, as a reward for your patience and cooperation with me.

Hao thought for a few seconds. Then he stared at TheArchon and answered:

- I want a Happy Ending… for everyone.

TheArchon smiled.

- A very good wish, my friend. A very good wish, indeed…

The light engulfed both of them…

* * *

- And this, my friends, is how an epic saga ends. After our hero endured countless hardships, humiliations and tons of mental damage, he finally found peace with himself. He has also become a legend that will live in the memory of the world for countless years, songs will be sung about him, tales will be told and statues, monuments, schools and libraries will be built in his name. Asakura Hao truly became eternal.

But what about his goals of world domination? Well, he was never able to track down the Great Spirit's location, because Yoh, Anna and the X-Laws caught up with him and fought him in a climatic battle, from which Yoh emerged victorious. This time, however, Hao escaped without much harm and fled to a place far, far away from Patch. No shaman ever saw his face again.

Yoh and Anna returned to their home in Tokyo, accompanied by Ryu. Anna's malefic energies soon disappeared and, to Yoh's disappointment, was transformed back to her human, flat-chested form. Ryu transported Manta's remains from America and buried them in the graveyard where the little boy and Asakura Yoh met for the first time. Yoh and Anna visit his grave every day.

Ren returned to China and lived happily with his family. One month after his return, Jun and Tao got married, but she was soon arrested because of accusations of necrophilia.

Lyserg returned to London with his spirit Morphine. Lyserg, who had discovered the benefits of being a girl, found himself a rich and handsome man with whom lived a long and happy life and gave birth to three beautiful children. Fifteen years later, he visited Japan and thanked Anna for tearing off his manhood.

Faust returned to Germany with his ghostly wife and conducted experiments to bring her back to life. So far, his experiments have not been successful.

Chocolove's body was never discovered, but his spirit still roams the streets of Patch, lurking for victims to whom he would tell his lame jokes. At some point, he met a girl who laughed at his jokes and made him so happy that he was finally able to rest in peace. That girl was Pirika, who was searching for her brother's remains. When she discovered them, along with Lilly's corpse, she buried them in the Patch cemetery. She visited their graves every day.

The remains of the Lilly 5 remained in America and managed to make a living from the many talents they had. Sharona bought herself a Lamborghini and was able to find true love. Sally and Ellie decided to stay single for a while and start a career in box. Milly wrote letters to Lyserg from time to time.

Marco and Jeanne disassembled the X-Laws, which consisted only from the two of them, and went to France, where Marco and Jeanne began working in a restaurant. Due to Jeanne's blessings and Marco's hard work, the restaurant prospered.

Silver survived the blow he had taken for Hao and together with Karim, they rebuilt Patch Village and it soon opened the doors for another Shaman Fight, in which the true Shaman King was going to be chosen.

Marion and Kanna found jobs for themselves in Silver's diner. Because of the special 'Midnight Spectacle', in which Marion and Kanna participated in front of the sight of many male customers, the diner prospered and was soon turned into a five-star hotel.

Machi and Ashil traveled to France where they made a new home for themselves. Machi and Ashil started working in a restaurant and every time they returned from work, they kissed and had sex under the shower. Five years later, the two of them married and had a child which they named after their glorious master.

And ask for Hao… well, to tell you the truth… he wasn't displeased in the end…

...

…Hao slowly opened his eyes. His vision was blurred.

- Sir… Sir, can you hear me? – A female voice called him.

Hao blinked and his vision cleared. A middle-aged woman in a doctor's uniform was looking at him.  
Hao groaned out:

- Where… am I?

The doctor explained:

- I am doctor Alice Stabrowski. You are in the 'Saint Alphonse' hospital. A police officer found you lying unconscious in a street, sir. Your head was bleeding. It seemed that you had gotten yourself in a brawl.

Hao touched his head. It hurt like hell.

- I wish I could remember…

The doctor smiled.

- It's alright. Don't strain yourself, sir. Just lie in your bed and rest. Your nurse will arrive soon with your lunch.

Hao smiled faintly. A polite doctor. A nurse. Food… Could it be that he had died and went to heaven? Even though his head hurt a lot, he felt happier than ever.

The door opened. Footsteps were heard.

- Ah, the nurse has arrived. – The doctor acknowledged with a smile.

Hao turned to see the nurse that was going to take care of him. He saw well-curved legs, a tray filled with all sorts of delicious food, ample breasts and…

His face turned pale in horror. He chocked.

It was Dokuro-chan.

- Sir!? – Doctor Alice exclaimed. – Nurse! Come over here, quickly!

Dokuro-chan ran over to Hao and punched his chest hard. He started breathing normally again. His eyes were wide in shock.

- _You_!? – He breathed out while staring at Dokuro-chan.

The angel grinned cheerfully:

- Hi, Hao-sama! I will be your nurse for the next three weeks!

One second later, a head with a green and a red eye popped behind the doorframe.

- What's all that racket-desu!? – Suiseiseki exclaimed. – I am trying to get some sleep around here-desu!

Hao raised his fists in the air and screamed. His voice echoed through the entire hospital.

**- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!**

…

- But aren't we forgetting about someone? What ever happened to Peyote, our friendly Mexican ex-drug dealer and the greatest stoner alive?

Peyote, the current narrator and most powerful druglord in Brazil took off his white hat and picked up a glass of whisky from the small table near his lounge. He took a seep from it and stared at the large fields of marihuana. Many workers were moving through them, harvesting their precious drug and carrying it off to the trucks, from where it would begin its journey and eventually return to Peyote under the form of huge sacks of money.

Peyote placed the empty glass back on the table. He took a cigar from the package of expensive Columbian cigars and lightened it. He took a deep whiff from it and released the smoke through his mouth.

- Well, my friends, I guess that's all you need to know about me. – Peyote concluded and smiled. – And now… let us put a stop to this story…

…with…

…a Happy End.

**The End**

* * *

**From the Author:** This is it! The final chapter of 'The Legend Lives Once Again!' I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it! Review when you are done reading! I am eager to read some comments!

I want to give credit to **five seas** for giving me the idea of a nurse attending Hao… though she probably didn't expect to see Dokuro-chan and Suiseiseki in the end. Thank you for everything.


End file.
